Telling my sister

OvariesbeforeBrovaries

I am previous Bumpie but don't want anyone to find me out. My sister has been dealing with TTTC for the past 2 years or so and is starting IVF after failed IUIs this summer. I know she deleted her Facebook because she didn't like seeing everyone getting pregnant.

The thing is I'm now pregnant and maybe I'm over thinking it but I'm really worried she is going to be upset. Am I overthinking it? Is there any way better than another to tell her?

jaztastic

Congratulations!! You should be excited and its going to be hard to hide that from your sister. No you aren't over thinking things. Its very nice of you to consider her feelings. As a woman going through IF, we understand this is something we will have to deal with... but it is extremely difficult. 

 

I think you should talk to her one on one. A simple phone call, acknowledging what she is going through and how hard it must be for her. But that you wanted to let her know you are expecting, and you dont want to rub it in her face or anything but as sisters you hope she can share your excitement. 

Both my sister and I struggle with pregnancies. So it didnt bother me any when she got pregnant. And of my close friends that know about my IF, I appreciate when they allow me the opportunity to process the news on my own and not be caught off guard in awkward situations.  

Just know that she may not always enjoy every little update you have. But then again she may surprise you and big a big support.

ETA: My mind goes faster than my fingers... fix typos

OvariesbeforeBrovaries

Thank you. We don't live nearby at all so I was planning on Facetiming my Mom (we had 12 week u/s today) and then I wasn't sure about FT or emailing my sister but was leaning towards emailing.

Sofia2529

OvariesbeforeBrovaries said:

Thank you. We don't live nearby at all so I was planning on Facetiming my Mom (we had 12 week u/s today) and then I wasn't sure about FT or emailing my sister but was leaning towards emailing.

Definitely email, then. That way, she can process the news at her own pace without being put on the spot. 

mander82

I would say tell her in person, that will help her hold her cookies together a little bit, it will also show her that you expect her to be strong,  and you don't think she is a frosted flake thats going to lose her mind when she hears the news.

When my sister told me she was knocked up,  I was a little wrecked for a few days, I ugly cried when I was alone.   It took me awhile to process it, but eventually I was ok with it,  then I got really excited for her and now that baby is almost here,  I am living vicariously through her 

OvariesbeforeBrovaries

mander82 said:

I would say tell her in person, that will help her hold her cookies together a little bit, it will also show her that you expect her to be strong,  and you don't think she is a frosted flake thats going to lose her mind when she hears the news.

When my sister told me she was knocked up,  I was a little wrecked for a few days, I ugly cried when I was alone.   It took me awhile to process it, but eventually I was ok with it,  then I got really excited for her and now that baby is almost here,  I am living vicariously through her 

I'm over 3,500 miles away so closest I can come to in person is Facetime

OvariesbeforeBrovaries

Idani said:

mander82 said:

I would say tell her in person, that will help her hold her cookies together a little bit, it will also show her that you expect her to be strong,  and you don't think she is a frosted flake thats going to lose her mind when she hears the news.

When my sister told me she was knocked up,  I was a little wrecked for a few days, I ugly cried when I was alone.   It took me awhile to process it, but eventually I was ok with it,  then I got really excited for her and now that baby is almost here,  I am living vicariously through her 

 

Stuck in box:

Someone that struggles with IF doesn't want to hold their "cookies" together.  It fucking sucks. Hearing that one more person is pregnant breaks you.  You want to cry and yell "WHY CAN'T IT BE ME". You want to lose your mind and not be strong regardless how much you love the person that is pregnant.  Please don't do it person OP.  She doesn't need to be strong for you, she needs to process the news before putting on the brave face

Telling her in person isn't an option. I know she'll be happy to have a new niece/nephew but also upset & I don't want to do anything to upset her beyond just the unexpected news.

purple_2012

I'm not pregnant, but want to be! My SIL told me through text and a I cried a little. I'm glad she didn't tell me in person, because it would have been hard to keep a happy face. I still have days where I wish it was me, but I am happy for her!

saraeric

I agree with @ldani, when we were dealing with IF it was awful hearing it in person. Trying to smile and not cry is very difficult. Even if it wasn't somebody close to me, it was still devastating. I'd definitely email or text so she has time to process and come to terms with your pregnancy. 

MollyField

I always appreciated finding out about others' pregnancies not in person. Phone was okay, email was fine too, but I wouldn't facetime. It's not that she wouldn't be happy for you, she obviously understands how great a blessing it is for a person, especially someone she loves. She's just going to feel sad for herself too, thinking of the could-haves and should-haves, like how things would have been if she had kids when she wanted to. 

And to the PP who said you should show that you expect her to be strong, that is completely messed up. Telling someone to "Man up" has never helped with the grieving process. Infertility is a huge loss of dreams and control, and people grieve it as though they have lost a loved one. I truly commend the OP for trying to find a way to be sensitive to her sister's pain and not hurt her.

Disneygeek77

I would tell her through email.

OvariesbeforeBrovaries

Thanks everyone. Honestly the thing worrying me the most is upsetting her. She is 100% allowed to be upset that isn't the issue, I just don't want to make it any worse for her.

crystaljoanna

I would tell her by phone but not FaceTime. While I was going through infertility treatment my sister got pregnant. At that point I had already been through the process of hearing about everyone's pregnancies and had confided in my sis how upsetting it was to see someone's new status update on Facebook.

My sister was nervous like you. The thing is I knew how hard it was for her to tell me because I could hear it in her voice, she acknowledged that it must be difficult for me to hear, etc.

Months before that my sister in law got pregnant and my brother called to tell me and he handled it very much like my sister did.

The fact that you are thinking through it, are aware that it may stir up some grief that she is dealing with, and care will help make this easier for both of you. For me, while I did feel sadness because it reminded me of the difficult journey I was experiencing, I was genuinely happy for both of them and love my nieces.

mb314

I think it is great you are considering your sister's feelings. I went through the same thing. I got pregnant easily with my 2nd while my sister is struggling with IF and her IVF keeps getting delayed for complications. I chose to tell my sister via email so she could digest it and respond in her own time. I also have been trying to minimize how much I talk about being pregnant. good luck!

thedjinn88

Congrats! I felt the same with my cousin, we are very close and she has miscarried twIce in the last year, when I found out I was I was really breaks to tell her. I told her a few days after I found out.she was happy for us, and a few days later she found out she was pregnant too. Now we are due two days apart a and taking it slow together, trying to keep her mind off losing this baby and trying to get excited now that she is almost to 9 weeks. Good luck,I hope it works out fine.

OvariesbeforeBrovaries

She was upset but is okay now.

lincoln79

glad that she had time/ability to process it. please be aware that she may get upset again (and that it may completely sneak up on her) and try to realize that a person can be joyful/devastated simultaneously, and it is often a toss up which emotion comes out.

i never knew it was possible until IF and pregnancy loss.

you are both in a tough spot and IF stole joy from you both. (((hugs)))