Frustrated with MH (long)

melissaf22

I am really upset with MH right now and I've tried talking with him but he gets defensive. He works 11 hr days M-F and then works 4 hrs on Sat. So I let him sleep at night and I stay with LO on the couch. The only thing I ask is that I can sleep from 7-10pm in our bed undisturbed. Well apparently every night LO just cries the whole time he has her no matter what he does so he told me that he can't stand being with her and is done with it. I know he is frustrated but I feel like he only wants to be around her when she's asleep so he can watch TV and play computer games with his friends so that his life doesn't have to change. I feel like I have done everything to accommodate to his schedule and he can't even let me have a 3 hr nap without making me feel bad about it everyday. Sorry this is so long it's 1 am feeding time and I needed to vent.

inluv4life2

Ugh, I am sorry you are having these frustrations. I can totally understand why you'd be upset with him. You absolutely deserve a time to rest!

I will say that lots of men have insecurity about caring for a new baby, especially during that common cranky time of 6-10pm. If the baby is super fussy, he may not know how to soothe her and that could be very stressful. Maybe you could ask him if he'd like some assistance with calming techniques to try. Or try to find a less cranky time for LO for you to rest. You should most def stand firm that you deserve a break but maybe he just doesn't know what to do.

GL hon! I hope you get some rest soon!

RondackHiker

Have you tried to work with him on soothing techniques?

I know it's hard, but if he's telling you he's frustrated you've GOT to listen. Dh and I have promised each other we will take turns and ask for help BEFORE the one with the screaming baby gets to the point if needing to out baby down and walk away. Thinking of holding a screamin baby for three hours makes me twitch.

You need sleep so he does need to learn how to soothe but for your baby's sake and his sake you've got to respect his frustration.

melissaf22

I do understand his frustration but this is my reality all day while he is at work, all she wants to do is eat and maybe sleeps for 2 hrs if I'm lucky, those 3 hrs are my only break and I didn't get it last night and LO decided she wanted to be up all night so now I'm running on no sleep. We did talk more this morning and went over some calming techniques so hopefully something will work. Thanks for the advice ladies!

keags5496

Could that time just be LOs witching hour? I'm wondering if she's scream that time no matter what. Maybe you could switch times around so that you can still get your sleep but DH would have a calmer time with Lo sometimes.

melissaf22

I would love to switch times but since he doesn't get home until 6 and wants to go to bed at 10 that's the only time available and yes I think it is that super fussy time!

RedSoxGirl10

I was also trying to sleep at this time for the first 4-5 weeks and it didn't work well for the same reason. My DH did not say he gives up but he would wake me up at 10 and be so frustrated that it just wasn't even worth it to me at some point to sleep during that time. That being said, I didn't give it up until LO was only waking up twice a night and could occasionally let me nap during the day. 

Maybe he could do every other night during this time, and then give you some even longer time on the weekend? 

RedSoxGirl10

I should add- even though I'm up during that time, I still don't really do the work, I'm just there for moral support  

Codypup

My LO also goes nuts right around that time of day -- I can't imagine walking in the door straight from work and being handed a screaming baby. To deal with for 3 hours. 

I absolutely agree that you need some help, but I don't think the arrangement you have is working very well. My question is, why does your H get to sleep all night uninterrupted? Can he possibly get up to do a feeding so you can get some sleep? 

shellbell3845

Codypup said:

I absolutely agree that you need some help, but I don't think the arrangement you have is working very well. My question is, why does your H get to sleep all night uninterrupted? Can he possibly get up to do a feeding so you can get some sleep? 

This. My H works long days, but he gets up during the night. He doesn't do feeds, but he does diapers/soothing. Some nights he's up three times, sometimes none. I think it's part of his responsibility as the father. My H usually volunteers to be "on duty" after work, but I'm usually around in case he needs help. Also, it's my only time with him, and I value that. On occasion I'll go nap in the evening, but only if he's okay with it.

shellbell3845

Couldn't edit my above resp

shellbell3845

Couldn't edit my above response -- maybe you could work out an arrangement similar. Maybe you can have a shorter nap but have help from him in the middle of the night.

melissaf22

He refuses to take a shift at night because of his work schedule which I can understand because I'm home all the time right now, things will definitely change when I go back to work. I think I will just take a shorter nap and hope that LO decides to sleep at night, usually she only wakes up twice or three times, I don't know what was going on last night.

Also he can't do any feedings because I am having trouble getting enough milk while pumping and she always throws up the formula. (Another source of frustration!)

Soap1

melissaf22 said:

He refuses to take a shift at night because of his work schedule which I can understand because I'm home all the time right now, things will definitely change when I go back to work. I think I will just take a shorter nap and hope that LO decides to sleep at night, usually she only wakes up twice or three times, I don't know what was going on last night. Also he can't do any feedings because I am having trouble getting enough milk while pumping and she always throws up the formula. (Another source of frustration!)

I don't think your DH should be allowed to refuse a shift.  That's ridiculous, and I don't care what kind of job he has, it's still ridiculous.  My DH is a pilot and he helps out at night even when he has to fly.  I make sure he gets at least 6-7 hours of sleep in a night just for safety reasons, but there's no reason to let him have 7-8 hours uninterrupted.

Let him sleep from 7-10pm and then get up for 2-3 hours and then go back to sleep.  There's almost no job that would not be compatible with that.  You need to have a talk with him - either he sucks it up and deals with fussy LO from 6-10pm, or he gets up from 10pm to midnight and lets you get a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep.

shellbell3845

@melissaf22‌ Have you tried a different formula? Or talked to your pediatrician? There may be a simple fix for that problem!

djtippietoes

What happens on the weekends?  Is he more of a help then?  I know you said he works on Saturdays, but not for 8 hours.  

melissaf22

Thanks ladies for your input, I was starting to get resentful of his normal night of sleep but was feeling selfish because of his stressful job now I see that I have every right to feel that way! I will have a talk with him tonight and see if we can work something else out because I don't know how much longer this can go on and I hate sleeping on the couch and want to sleep in my own bed again! Also unfortunately this is the same schedule on the weekends too :-(

sdlaura

I agree with PP, especially about it being a rough time to stick him with everyday, and about making sure he knows good soothing techniques. Has he watched the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD? If not, I would definitely make sure he does. My DH found it super helpful for learning soothing techniques.

melissaf22

We watched it right before she was born and he said he tried all 5 s's but still she cries

RondackHiker

melissaf22 said:

We watched it right before she was born and he said he tried all 5 s's but still she cries

Then you need to tag team that time or something.

Even if you're home with her all day it isn't okay to stick one parent with a baby that is screaming for three hours.

It's really unfair and stressful... For baby and parent.

Soap1

RondackHiker said:

We watched it right before she was born and he said he tried all 5 s's but still she cries

Then you need to tag team that time or something. Even if you're home with her all day it isn't okay to stick one parent with a baby that is screaming for three hours. It's really unfair and stressful... For baby and parent.

I get this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that her DH might be exaggerating the whole "she screamed for 3 hours" thing. 

OP, is she generally a colicky baby? Do you think she is really screaming for 3 hours, or is she just fussing on and off for 3 hours?  There's a huge difference there. 

melissaf22

I'm not sure because during the day I feed on demand so when she starts screaming I feed her and when he has her he gives her a bottle which she drinks in 5 mins then he says she starts crying again

slwprincess

I'm actually wondering if the baby is really hungry during that time? That is when DD seems to be starving and I will nurse and then supplement (also have supply issues), nurse again, and still she's hungry! It took us a few nights to figure that out and once we increased the supplement amount she stopped fussing so much in the evenings. If the formula hurts her tummy, you've got to find an alternative ASAP while you continue to work on your supply. I agree with pp's, he doesn't get a full nights sleep just b.c he works outside the home. Nope. But I also don't think it's working for you to just hand off the baby when he gets home either. It's got to be a team effort or this is going to blow up in your face in the long run.