Trying to Get Pregnant

What would you do...

If your husband called you a "cu- next Tuesday" (not sure that's allowed in tb?)

Backstory: my husband gets angry when he's drank too much. Comes home drunk after a "networking" event that he needs me to come pick him up from. When he drinks he gets super confrontational and because he's drunk, can't quite think straight. So, if arguing, 50 different topics come up in one conversation and he can't stay focused. I locked the door to our bedroom and told him I didn't want him in there until he calmed down.. Not proud of my reaction, but I have dealt with this so many times- a girl has to do something.

This morning the fight resumed and I got called the c word. Among other things.

I think he has an issue. How do you help someone who doesn't think it's a problem? I'm committed to my marriage, but I don't think I can stand for this behavior.. Am I overreacting? Is it "just a word?"

Re: What would you do...

  • Any word that is meant to demean or hurt you is wrong.

    It sounds like your H could use some professional help.




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  • Sewfie said:
    Nope, not overreacting. That's not "just a word" by any means. I third the counseling suggestion. And also AA (for him) and Al-Anon (for you), since his drinking is a problem. Even if it's just an occasional binge, if it leads to this behavior every time, it's a problem, IMHO.
    This.


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  • Lizbeth2462Lizbeth2462 member
    edited February 2014
    I'm really sorry that your husband called you that, and I do not think you are overreacting at all. I am an addictions/mental health counselor, so my first thought is to wonder if this is an isolated incident or an overall pattern (I gather from your post that it's more of a pattern). If this is the case, your husband will not likely be able to change on his own and I would definitely recommend that he gets professional help. Couples counseling as an addition to his own treatment might be helpful, but I think it seems like the issue lies within him and his behaviors.

    Again, I'm sorry you went through this. Keep in mind that NOBODY deserves to be treated that way by their husband/wife and that his actions are in no way acceptable! Hugs to you.

    Edit: words.
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  • I agree, @slappalicious. I mean, they're the person you are supposed to trust and believe when they say kind things, so why should you not believe them if they say cruel things? It's wrong and confusing. I'm not normally black-and-white about things, but I'm either going to trust what my SO says about me in (basically) all regards or I'm not going to trust anything (in which case, goodbye SO).


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  • Sewfie said:
    Nope, not overreacting. That's not "just a word" by any means. I third the counseling suggestion. And also AA (for him) and Al-Anon (for you), since his drinking is a problem. Even if it's just an occasional binge, if it leads to this behavior every time, it's a problem, IMHO.

    And I couldn't agree more with this. There is a perception that alcohol is only an issue if the person drinks every day, but even rare drinking can be considered an Alcohol Use Disorder if it leads to serious negative consequences for the person. I also think Al-Anon is a great idea for you OP, it would be a way for you to find support while he is working on this problem.
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  • NerdyLucy said:

    This is probably bad advice, but have you ever tried to record or video his ridiculous behavior while drunk?

     

    In my experience, people like this have no idea who absurd they are when they're in this state of intoxication. 

     

    Of course, if you think he could react more angrily or violent if he saw that he was being recorded, then don't do it. 

    I'm just trying to think of a way to hold a figurative mirror up to him so that he can see what he's really like.

    I actually did this the last time MH was REALLY drunk. We were in a cab on the ride home and he wasn't being mean, but just belligerent, loud, and childish (he didn't know I was recording). We listened to it the next day and had a little laugh about it, but he did get sheepish and said that he was glad he knew how ridiculous he sounded so that he could avoid getting that drunk again. 

    However, in OP's case, I don't know if this would really help. If he has a real problem with drinking and anger, like it certainly seems he does, the guilt he might feel from listening to himself would probably be short-lived and he would go back to these behaviors in no time. Lots of people can get 3 DWI's, beat up their spouses/kids, get arrested, etc. and still go on drinking-- knowing the consequences alone often isn't enough.
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  • NerdyLucy said:

    This is probably bad advice, but have you ever tried to record or video his ridiculous behavior while drunk?

     

    In my experience, people like this have no idea who absurd they are when they're in this state of intoxication. 

     

    Of course, if you think he could react more angrily or violent if he saw that he was being recorded, then don't do it. 

    I'm just trying to think of a way to hold a figurative mirror up to him so that he can see what he's really like.

    I actually did this the last time MH was REALLY drunk. We were in a cab on the ride home and he wasn't being mean, but just belligerent, loud, and childish (he didn't know I was recording). We listened to it the next day and had a little laugh about it, but he did get sheepish and said that he was glad he knew how ridiculous he sounded so that he could avoid getting that drunk again. 

    However, in OP's case, I don't know if this would really help. If he has a real problem with drinking and anger, like it certainly seems he does, the guilt he might feel from listening to himself would probably be short-lived and he would go back to these behaviors in no time. Lots of people can get 3 DWI's, beat up their spouses/kids, get arrested, etc. and still go on drinking-- knowing the consequences alone often isn't enough.
    I agree.  It may really take professional help instead of a quick fix.


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  • I do't think you're overreacting at all... that is an awful thing to be called by your husband, drunk or not. It sounds like getting some help for your marriage would be helpful but I think your husband needs help for his drinking probem. Hope everything works out :)

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  • meld42meld42 member
    edited February 2014
    Thanks guys, I'm so grateful for your replies. It was super hurtful that when I was called names he was sober. I didn't even register that point until you guys brought it up!

    We have done counseling before, and I'm going to press that we return. I'm also not going to stay silent regarding this drinking issue. It really does just amplify the anger.

    Worst part is that in getting these texts from him defending his actions.. Clearly I should have expected this from me locking him out of the bedroom.
  • I'm mobile bumping and somehow missed a bunch of good advice!

    You ladies are so wonderful. I'm going to try pretty much everything you all mentioned. I may reserve recording him for a very serious episode, I have emailed him before over the course of the night as he's been doing things/saying things to help him see in the morning how his behavior is affecting me. And it was short lived guilt. Unfortunately.
  • RayRay007RayRay007 member
    edited February 2014
    Ok, so he wasn't drunk when he called you that? I can't even imagine what I'd do if DH called me that when he was drunk, let alone sober. DH argues when he's drunk too and has said some shitty things, and when he's sober and we're arguing he feels backed into a corner and really lashes out saying mean things. But he has never called me a name. I would sit him down and tell him the seriousness of the situation and try to talk about his anger and drinking. I have had to tell DH before that he had crossed the line, and I didn't know if I want to live the rest of my life like that. That really struck a chord with him. I had an ex once that would rub a mistake in my face over and over and I had to tell him, get over it or get out of my life. I never heard a word about it again. Sometimes you really have to take a drastic stand for them to realize the potential consequences. ETA: and then convince him to go to counselling.

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  • It's not just a word.

    I would insist that we'd need to go to counseling.
    THIS.  I hope you can get some help regarding this situation.  That is not okay for your DH to act that way.  
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  • I'm so sorry, you're in a horrible position I can relate to only too well.  My ex husband became a heavy drinker through our almost 11 year relationship, and the more he drank the more of a complete and utter asshole he became.  Near the end he practically lived at the bar and became quite verbally abusive, calling me names and even, a couple of times, shoving me.  Final straws there for sure!

    I'm not saying this to say it's where your husband is headed, or to tell you to leave your husband, or to say that things can't be worked out, but through long experience I have a very high sensitivity around guys with drinking problems, and your hubby's behaviour just hits a nerve, it's so very familiar.  My ex didn't start out being such an asshole, but his eventual spiral into drinking and later drugs made him completely unbearable to be with.  It was a slow descent, but I often wonder if I had stopped putting up with the earlier occasional flare-ups of bad behaviour and name-calling rather than letting it slide, would he have made the decision to work with me and turn things around when he had the chance?  His treatment of me just got worse with time, it certainly didn't solve anything to turn a blind eye to it, and the worse the drinking became the less you could reason with him on any level.

    Please don't let this behaviour of your hubby's slide, him being drunk and belligerent and calling you horrible names is NOT acceptable, and you have to know that being upset by it is NOT overreacting.  People with alcohol problems are really good at turning things around to blame others and defend their own actions.  My red flags are up given this is something that has already been happening with some frequency, situations like this don't often get better without some sort of help or intervention.  I hope he's willing to discuss things with you rationally and seek some help.  ((hugs)) and good luck!


         

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  • ((gscoville)) and others with similar experiences. I have to say, one thing about this board is that people are so open about their experiences and it helps so many people, not just OP. 

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  • Not overreacting my husband and I have had some fights and he has said some not nice things. It has happened but he has never called me a name straight out. Maybe he has said you are "acting like a bitch" and I probably was. I think being hurtful especially the next day and not even in the heat of the fight is just plain mean. I am glad you are going to stand-up for yourself and I would definitely suggest talking to someone. 
  • edited February 2014
    C and I never swear at each other - a rule of mine, and one she welcomes after the screaming fights she got into with her hot-headed ex. She'd never call me a bitch, much less a cunt! The worst she's said is "You're being a bitch right now" or "That's a shitty thing to say" but never you ARE a bitch. Big difference. To me, it's about respect. I don't feel respected by someone who calls me names, even if said in anger or a drunken stupor. And I won't call her names either so it has to go both ways. I'd have a serious talk with your husband. Regardless of how much he's had to drink, you deserve to be treated better than that. Edit: words - it's Friday, c'mon.
  • If he's bothering to text you to defend his actions, then on some level, he's knows he wrong.  Otherwise, he would probably just ignore that it ever happened.  Also, as worrying as the name calling is-your husband should never tear you down like that-I'm even more concerned about the drinking.  It definitely sounds like a pattern, and it's usually a downward spiral.  The fact that your husband is angry when he's drunk-and getting drunk at public functions/acting out says that he is out of control, and that is just plain scary.

      I agree that counseling for your relationship sounds like a good idea.  Even more important than that though, I think that your husband needs individual counseling for his drinking.  Please insist that he gets help.  I think it's great that you're so dedicated to your marriage, but if he isn't dedicated enough to the two of you to get help for what is his problem, then I would be seriously reconsidering your relationship.  You should NEVER have to live in fear of your spouse-either emotionally or physically.  What you have written about his behavior is very worrying!

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  • Not over-reacting.

    I agree with all the suggestions of counseling but I also highly agree with the suggestion for you to go to Al-Anon.  

    If he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself.  And even if he won't go to AA, go to Al-Anon yourself.

    I commend you for separating yourself from him last night.
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  • Everything said above is in line with my reaction as well. Be strong, be safe and keep us updated!
  • I'd personally be much more worried about not being able to handle that amount of alcohol and his all around behavior on it. Worries me for your safety. That isn't a problem with drinking but there is a problem if it results in very poor behaviors. 
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