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November 2013 Moms
cagoldi
member
@Mum2Be28
cagoldi
member
Regarding the issues with your parents, I didn't want to type a huge novel in your thread and possibly detract from good responses and suggestions you have received/will continue to get.
We're dealing with identical issues with my MIL. She is disabled and uses a wheelchair. She has severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and Osteoporosis.
I know emotional and psychological problems are in play as well, but we can't get any traction on that. I know there is a stigma about mental illness in general, but it's especially troublesome from a cultural aspect also. She's Korean and according to DH, seeking help through medications and therapy is just something they feel is reserved for crazies. And the fear of nursing homes is also a huge hurdle. I can't begin to understand the extent of it but all the Korean soap operas are about elderly people being abandoned and disrespected by their children and grandchildren, so she has a crippling fear of being sent to a facility.
I'm certain she's depressed. DH is the youngest of three boys. In 2007, his brother was killed by a drunk driver. A couple years ago, DH's only remaining sibling, the oldest, stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from them. While she did not and still does not want to acknowledge it was him, there's no denying it. No one but the immediate family members knew of their safe, it's location and contents, and the code. There were no broken windows, no other items stolen, etc. so it was obvious he was the culprit. She still wants to believe he was not responsible, but we all know better and my FIL has disowned him so she is not able to see him. DH and I insisted on calling the police but my FIL did not want him to go to jail and refused to file a police report. We talked to a police officer and asked him if anything could be done since this was elder abuse, but he said they really couldn't do anything since FIL decided to claim he gave him the cash as an inheritance so he couldn't be prosecuted. After losing two of her three children, one to death and the other to conduct, she has pretty much given up.
She asks us to give her pills that would let her just go to sleep forever. She cries frequently and seemingly over nothing. It's really pitiful. Like you, we've made sure she doesn't have access to medications, sharp objects, etc. MIL is sweet but she is super controlling. So even from her bed she bosses FIL around like crazy. Put your shoes over there, close the window in the living room (on the other side of the house), tells him what chair he can sit in, will send him back and forth from the kitchen requesting a certain item for lunch then when he brings it deciding she won't eat, has him bring her a stack of DVDs only to decide she wants to watch the one that's already in the player, etc. I think she creates stuff for him to do because watching him run around to complete meaningless tasks gives her comfort in the moment that he cares enough to do what she wants.
FIL is not a saint like your Mom. He does take care of her but loses his patience easily. He tolerates it well most of the time but they have started to have frequent arguments about her behavior. He blows up, yells, and tries to avoid her which only leaves her feeling more isolated and suicidal.
She can use a walker to scoot herself the few feet of distance from her bed to the bathroom, but that's the extent of it. She also needs help cleaning up, dressing, bathing, etc. We've gone to the house to find situations like you describe with the carpet soiled.
DH and I used to go over 5 or 6 times a week (they live only 10 minutes away) but that just isn't feasible with an infant. We do still visit 2 or 3 times, mostly Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Seeing the baby does give them something to look forward to and gives them a little bit of a distraction. We tell FIL to go run errands or work in the garage while we're there so he feels like he gets a bit of a break.
I think it's great that your parents have agreed to let some outside come assist them. It's important for your Mom to take whatever steps are necessary to avoid caregiver burnout.
I wish I had advice, but I don't. I just wanted to tell you I can relate on a lot levels and it's a very difficult situation. DH and I get very frustrated at times but we know it's important to visit with them as much as possible and try to encourage them to be kind to one another, and for them to be empathetic to the plight of the other.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
We're dealing with identical issues with my MIL. She is disabled and uses a wheelchair. She has severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and Osteoporosis.
I know emotional and psychological problems are in play as well, but we can't get any traction on that. I know there is a stigma about mental illness in general, but it's especially troublesome from a cultural aspect also. She's Korean and according to DH, seeking help through medications and therapy is just something they feel is reserved for crazies. And the fear of nursing homes is also a huge hurdle. I can't begin to understand the extent of it but all the Korean soap operas are about elderly people being abandoned and disrespected by their children and grandchildren, so she has a crippling fear of being sent to a facility.
I'm certain she's depressed. DH is the youngest of three boys. In 2007, his brother was killed by a drunk driver. A couple years ago, DH's only remaining sibling, the oldest, stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from them. While she did not and still does not want to acknowledge it was him, there's no denying it. No one but the immediate family members knew of their safe, it's location and contents, and the code. There were no broken windows, no other items stolen, etc. so it was obvious he was the culprit. She still wants to believe he was not responsible, but we all know better and my FIL has disowned him so she is not able to see him. DH and I insisted on calling the police but my FIL did not want him to go to jail and refused to file a police report. We talked to a police officer and asked him if anything could be done since this was elder abuse, but he said they really couldn't do anything since FIL decided to claim he gave him the cash as an inheritance so he couldn't be prosecuted. After losing two of her three children, one to death and the other to conduct, she has pretty much given up.
She asks us to give her pills that would let her just go to sleep forever. She cries frequently and seemingly over nothing. It's really pitiful. Like you, we've made sure she doesn't have access to medications, sharp objects, etc. MIL is sweet but she is super controlling. So even from her bed she bosses FIL around like crazy. Put your shoes over there, close the window in the living room (on the other side of the house), tells him what chair he can sit in, will send him back and forth from the kitchen requesting a certain item for lunch then when he brings it deciding she won't eat, has him bring her a stack of DVDs only to decide she wants to watch the one that's already in the player, etc. I think she creates stuff for him to do because watching him run around to complete meaningless tasks gives her comfort in the moment that he cares enough to do what she wants.
FIL is not a saint like your Mom. He does take care of her but loses his patience easily. He tolerates it well most of the time but they have started to have frequent arguments about her behavior. He blows up, yells, and tries to avoid her which only leaves her feeling more isolated and suicidal.
She can use a walker to scoot herself the few feet of distance from her bed to the bathroom, but that's the extent of it. She also needs help cleaning up, dressing, bathing, etc. We've gone to the house to find situations like you describe with the carpet soiled.
DH and I used to go over 5 or 6 times a week (they live only 10 minutes away) but that just isn't feasible with an infant. We do still visit 2 or 3 times, mostly Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Seeing the baby does give them something to look forward to and gives them a little bit of a distraction. We tell FIL to go run errands or work in the garage while we're there so he feels like he gets a bit of a break.
I think it's great that your parents have agreed to let some outside come assist them. It's important for your Mom to take whatever steps are necessary to avoid caregiver burnout.
I wish I had advice, but I don't. I just wanted to tell you I can relate on a lot levels and it's a very difficult situation. DH and I get very frustrated at times but we know it's important to visit with them as much as possible and try to encourage them to be kind to one another, and for them to be empathetic to the plight of the other.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: @Mum2Be28
I can't believe that about his brother stealing the money. Has your husband talked to him at all? I know he must feel like an only child now. That's terrible.
DH and I have a good marriage but it definitely keeps me in check with the petty stuff because I'm like, things can always be way worse than this stupid, silly thing that I'm mad at you for. And then I think about my parents.
You and your husband are so sweet to go over there so much and relieve his dad. I don't know if their culture is a lot different in terms of how they show their feelings and emotions, but know that your FIL appreciates that so much!! And I'm sure he understands that you can't as often now with having the LO.
I just call them a lot. And I make a point to call and ask for my dad because I'm closer with my mom and he always assumes I'm calling to talk to her. So when she answers I will immediately ask for him sometimes. We go over there a lot too. I just wish there was more I could do.
=( hugs to you and your hubby!