Please tell me I'm not a bad mom

kelbel527

OK, this post is totally annoying and a total AW, but kids can really make you doubt yourself as a Mom/Parent/human being.  So I need someone to tell me that I don't suck. 

DS1 is having a rough time adjusting to his new 4K room.  He's also very impressionable and I know there is a kid in there who is constantly in trouble for hitting/hurting other kids.  He was just in trouble today for spitting at another kid.

My kid?  He choked someone today.   I don't know that he actually knows how serious that is, but for some reason he did it.  I went downstairs immediately after the teacher called to have a serious talk to him about it.  (We have on-site daycare).  This isn't the first time he's hit/hurt another kid. 

He's not usually hurtful to his brother, a push here and there when he's in his space, so I have NO idea why he's doing this at school.  His teachers agree he's been feeding off other kids in the room.

Someone assure me that it's not me.

P.S. DS2 is a biter.  So if we don't get a call about DS1, usually DS2 bits a kid that day.  UGH!

AKB090609

I think this is pretty typical, we had a girl do this at our school and we had a sit down with the child and the teacher to talk about what happened and why it was not okay. I think that you are doing the right thing and hopefully this phase will end quickly and he will find some different children to emulate.

But no, your not a bad mom, you are great because you are showing your kids that you and their teachers are on the same team and are teaching them how to do better. ::Big creepy internet hugs::

MommaP12

It's not you.  He's likely seeing what's going on around him and testing his boundaries.  It's likely a phase or something that you'll just need to talk to him about/explain to him.  Kids do crazy shit to see what they can get away with and I doubt he's doing it out of pure malice.

My question, what are the teachers doing about the other kids in the room if this is feeding into other kids?!  They need to get those kids under control!

Holly_1007

Ugh. Hugs. 4 yr olds are hard. You're not a bad mom. He didn't understand that the behavior wasn't ok, now he does, so hopefully he doesn't do it again.

MarisaKathleen

Hey, just think of it this way....if they're only calling you once in awhile and Brody's feeding off these other kids, they must be calling those parents all the time!

You're not a bad Mom.  It sucks that he's in that room with kids who are more rambunctious but I do think you should probably have another conversation about it tonight when you get home so he's reminded of it.

Good luck!

kelbel527

MommaP12 said:

It's not you.  He's likely seeing what's going on around him and testing his boundaries.  It's likely a phase or something that you'll just need to talk to him about/explain to him.  Kids do crazy shit to see what they can get away with and I doubt he's doing it out of pure malice.

My question, what are the teachers doing about the other kids in the room if this is feeding into other kids?!  They need to get those kids under control!

I think they're trying with the other kid, and I think it's one in particular.  We've seen him in "time-outs" (I don't think they can call them time-outs) and seen them trying to keep him separate.  But he too is probably pushing boundries or has something else going on...and it's just not helping.

L8kissie

My 4 yo son keeps trying to "love" his sister to death with full body tackles and hugs. You aren't alone. This parenting thing is freaking hard. There was an article or book that I was reading about how many times an hour on average a child this age needs redirection. Of course I have no idea which periodical it was. I am combing early childhood books to try to find techniques that work for ds and following directions (Don't kill your sister, stay in the Fing bed, get dressed ) All of this ranting to tell you that you are not alone and certainly not a bad mom. I've had luck with other kids that were hurting others role playing with doll, stuffed animals, action figures, or puppets. The kids responded well to it, developing empathy and the verbal skills to deal with their frustration in an appropriate manner. More creepy Internet hugs >:D<

melody921

L8kissie said:

My 4 yo son keeps trying to "love" his sister to death with full body tackles and hugs. You aren't alone. This parenting thing is freaking hard. There was an article or book that I was reading about how many times an hour on average a child this age needs redirection. Of course I have no idea which periodical it was. I am combing early childhood books to try to find techniques that work for ds and following directions (Don't kill your sister, stay in the Fing bed, get dressed ) All of this ranting to tell you that you are not alone and certainly not a bad mom. I've had luck with other kids that were hurting others role playing with doll, stuffed animals, action figures, or puppets. The kids responded well to it, developing empathy and the verbal skills to deal with their frustration in an appropriate manner. More creepy Internet hugs >:D<

Yeah, pretty much every day DS squeezes DD hard enough that I have to intervene. A lot of what kids do cannot be blamed on the parents. They're learning, testing boundaries, seeing what is acceptable, etc. I think if you just keep reinforcing that he has to be gentle, you are doing the right thing.

kelbel527

Thanks for all the support ladies!! This parenting thing never gets easier, does it?! 

hmp1

TL:DR

I could have written this. Out of nowhere, James has started to be really rough and aggressive at school only. It started mid last week and every day we had a bad report, 2 were accident reports in which he hurt another child (bit a kid and threw a book at another hitting her right below her eye leaving a nasty bruise). I hate that the behavior is only at school so I'm not there to see what is actually going on. The bite he said was after he was pushed but the teacher saw the book thing and said it was out of nowhere. He also kicked a kid in the face that was laying down.

I told him Tuesday morning that we are adding his daily sheet to his Good Behavior chart. All week of good behavior gets a prize. I told him we are going to talk about the friendly acts he does on our way home from now on (thanks to @Linzeek44 for helping me work through ideas). We are also talking a lot about asking for help if someone is not being nice, use words not actions. I told his teachers that this is our plan and asked them to reinforce it with him too. Yesterday was our first test day. The daily sheet said he would start to be rough but was able to correct his behavior immediately and had a good day. On the way home, I asked him what friendly things he did at school. He told me about sharing his blocks with Zach. I asked if he did gentle touches and he said yes and that he hugged Zach.

Today, he was a terror this morning at home and I didn't have high hopes for school. But after I showed him his Good Behavior chart and reminded him that his daily report was on there and that he needs to remember something friendly he does today for our ride home, his attitude really changed. During drop off, his friends were crowding around to say hi and he gently patted one of his friends on the shoulder and said "Gentle touches, Mama" then gave the friend a hug. So, I think we are seeing good progress. Time will tell.

I also have an activity that I'm making for him. It is a game with pictures of good and bad behaviors. He has to group the bad under the stop sign and the good under the go sign. (another shout out to Linzeek). DH is out of town right now and I want to wait to introduce it until I can be one on one with him and really talk through it without Leo trying to help.

hmp1

Oh, and books. He relates really well to stories so I have ordered some books about being a good friend.

kelbel527

hmp1 said:

TL:DR

I could have written this. Out of nowhere, James has started to be really rough and aggressive at school only. It started mid last week and every day we had a bad report, 2 were accident reports in which he hurt another child (bit a kid and throw a book at another hitting her right below her eye leaving a nasty bruise). I hate that the behavior is only at school so I'm not there to see what is actually going on. The bite he said was after he was pushed but the teacher saw the book thing and said it was out of nowhere. He also kicked a kid in the face that was laying down.

I told him Tuesday morning that we are adding his daily sheet to his Good Behavior chart. All week of good behavior gets a prize. I told him we are going to talk about the friendly acts he does on our way home from now on (thanks to @Linzeek44 for helping me work through ideas). We are also talking a lot about asking for help if someone is not being nice, use words not actions. I told his teachers that this is our plan and asked them to reinforce it with him too. Yesterday was our first test day. The daily sheet said he would start to be rough but was able to correct his behavior immediately and had a good day. On the way home, I asked him what friendly things he did at school. He told me about sharing his blocks with Zach. I asked if he did gentle touches and he said yes and that he hugged Zach.

Today, he was a terror this morning at home and I didn't have high hopes for school. But after I showed him his Good Behavior chart and reminded him that his daily report was on there and that he needs to remember something friendly he does today for our ride home, his attitude really changed. During drop off, his friends were crowding around to say hi and he gently patted one of his friends on the shoulder and said "Gentle touches, Mama" then gave the friend a hug. So, I think we are seeing good progress. Time will tell.

I also have an activity that I'm making for him. It is a game with pictures of good and bad behaviors. He has to group the bad under the stop sign and the good under the go sign. (another shout out to Linzeek). DH is out of town right now and I want to wait to introduce it until I can be one on one with him and really talk through it without Leo trying to help.

Thank you!!  We've done charts at home and they helped, but I need to restart to reinforce school behavior.  He has a sticker chart at school too, so I want to provide continuity.

I LOVE the idea of the stop sign game.  I'm totally going to work on that (thanks @linzeek44)

It's so hard to know what's going on at school.  Sometimes he comes home with an explanation, but today he didn't have one, so it was hard to get out of him what is causing it. 

It was definitely NOT TL:DR.  I appreciate hearing what you're working on, and knowing I'm not totally alone!

Pokedot

I have no advice since I'm FTM but you are a wonderful mom. We're all quick to judge our parenting skills when something doesn't go right. I actually choked a girl at daycare when I was little too. I did it once and never again. I can't remember why but I'm sure it's because the other kid pissed me off and wouldn't leave me alone.

I'd talk to him about it and reinforce good, positive behavior. See where that gets you.

 

 

watercolor5

I was a biter when I was a little kid.  I distinctly remember doing it when I felt like something was unfair, and adults wouldn't step in to dispense justice.  When I nannied, my 3 yo once threw a rock at another toddler for the same reason- he took her pail at the beach and the adults didn't do anything.

I'd talk to your 4 yo about what happened before he decided to choke the other kid, how that could really hurt another kid, and what his reaction should have been instead.  If he has specific things he learns how to do when an injustice happens to him, he'll be less likely to resort to bullying out of frustration.  Just look at it as an opportunity for guidance for your kids, not a reflection of bad parenting/ childcare. 

I'd follow up with your daycare provider once you have a plan of better reactions for your son, so they support him in it.