How to *politely* tell my mom to back off...

kateitho

    MY mother is a control freak by anyone's standards.  She called me to say how mad she is at my sister for not inviting her my my nephew's I.E.P. meeting for school last week, then fussed at me for not calling to tell her I had a migraine yesterday.  She's already bought "Mommy loves you" and "Daddy loves you" things for our baby.  She also refers to our new baby as her's. She's telling people about my pregnancy, then telling them not to tell me they know. (My cousin let me know this.) Do I just cut her out for a week or so until I can possibly miss her?  I just want to scream "Step the F*** off!" at her right now, but she is  my mom, and I do love her.  Help!

toomanycats1

I know it's hard to put up with, but it sounds like your mom is just really excited about the baby.  I work with a lot of women that are in there early 50's, and most are just starting to become grandparents.  Most of them refer to the babies as "their grand-babies".  I know it's annoying, but it's nice that she's excited.    

Our DS was the 3rd grandchild on DH's side, and honestly, those grandparents aren't nearly as interested in him as my family is.  It hurts.  On my side DS was the first baby in the family in 20 years, and I had to get used to sharing him with everyone.  It was annoying (still is) because everyone wants to see him all the time, but compared to the other side where they can see him once a month and pat themselves on the back, I'll take the smothering relationship over the distant one anyday.    

About the IEP thing though, that I do agree is a little controlling.  If my mom was annoyed about something like that, I would just ignore her... she'd get over it.  

kateitho

@ninthgirl Thank you so much for your advice.  Hearing that someone else is going through the same-ish situation makes me feel a whole lot less crazy! I really love my mom, I just want to make some choices for my own child.  

ETA: I know she is SUPER excited,  but this is her 14th grandchild, and my first child.  I want to be able to pick out some things and be excited to shop for the things I want too. I feel like I deserve to be a little selfish right now.

ksyknelvr73

My mom is like this at times too....especially before DS was born (he was her first grandchild). She has gone way overboard. Honestly, you are probably going to have to be brutally truthful with her on the things you just can't handle. That will be the only way to stop it, from my experience. My most recent example is I had to tell my mom to back off at Christmas...she was buying DS too many things, to the point where she was going to be giving him more than myself and DH and "Santa" combined. I told her to set a limit bc she was overstepping her boundaries. She actually seemed to understand and she did abide by our wishes.

salsa_wifey

I think the best thing to do is nip it in the bud. Sit her down and talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her it's your news to share so you'd appreciate if she would stop telling people. Tell her everything that's bothering you. Like you said, she's your mom. I think not saying anything would just be worse and you'll resent her.

princezjk

I can definitely relate!  And it is really hard to set boundaries, especially when these are issues that have existed for years.  I think it is always best to try and be as an honest and direct as possible.  I know all to well that that is easier said than done sometimes.  It is probably a conversation you will have to have multiple times.  I hope you are able to set up some boundaries!

MsAmandaPants

ninthgirl said:

Draw boundaries now. My mom is not so overt as yours, but she does exert subtle pressure - offering money for baby gear and then saying she'd only give it to us if we bought gear that was within her specified price-range was one cute one from my pregnancy with DD. First I had to learn to set the boundaries. Then I had to learn to let the ridiculousness not get to me.

So figure out what needs to end. Is it referring to your baby as hers? Is it her buying certain things for the baby (I got SO SICK of my mom buying all of DD's holiday gear - sometimes a mom wants to have that fun for herself!)? Is it telling people about the baby on the sly? Then I'd pick those battles.

"Hey mom, I get that you're excited about another grandchild. However this is your grandchild, not your baby. This is my first time to hopefully be a mom to an outside baby and I'd like to be the one who calls the baby mine."

"Hey mom, I'm so glad that you love buying things for your grandkids. However I'd like the chance to buy <X, Y, and Z> because it's really fun for me."

"Hey mom, I'm so glad you are excited about our news. However you are taking away from the fun we have of sharing it by sharing it yourself. Please let us have the joy of seeing people's happy reactions."

All of this. Stellar advice. Strong communication setting clear boundaries is key.  I'm working on this with my mom as well.

nyg2042

I don't have any experience (yet) but I agree that setting some boundaries now will help you later down the line.