Need advice... when to stop fertility treatments and move to adoption?

traciw2002

Hi.  As you can see from my signature. it’s been a long & emotional several years of infertility treatments & and a painful loss at 16wks.  We just did our last FET (no more frozens remaining) and asking ourselves do we continue down this IVF path searching for new treatments, a possible clinic change… which is an emotional & financial roller coaster.  Or do we start to move down the adoption path.  I feel selfish continuing to spend money and putting my husband and I thru the  emotional roller coaster if we should look to other options and move towards a baby that needs us thru adoption. 

When did you know that it was time to hang up the fertility treatment process and move to something else?  Coming off this last failed cycle when we’ve tried it all has left us feeling raw emotionally.

AlbertaGrayGirl

My husband and I didn't make it very far down the fertility treatment path at all. We have a very very low change of conceiving via IUI so our first option to try was IVF. We decided that we might as well give it a go, because maybe we will get lucky. I had a severe reaction to one of the medications at the very beginning of the process, and was unable to continue due to it. We could have tried to find a replacement for that medication, but the doctors didn't know what ingredient had caused my reaction so it would have been a stab in the dark. And, because we had such a low chance of success anyway (we have both male and female factor infertility), we decided that it just wasn't worth it. 

I think the most important thing is to try to balance your hopes against your resources. It is easy to get carried away by our hopes, trying to convince ourselves that if we try just one more time, it must work out. But we have to be careful not to exhaust our resources: our money, our time, our energy, our emotions. We need to have all of those things left over to raise our future baby. We can' expend them all on the journey.

Hope that helps, and good luck!

Dr.Loretta

I knew when I got pg 3 times (2 without treatment) and lost all 3 very early, with no explanation. I realized I had no strong desire to be pg, but I did have a strong desire to be a mom.
A few things I would recommend:
1. Give yourselves some time to take a break, catch your breath, and grieve
2. Feel each other out about adoption. Are you both on board? Any significant barriers to address? What is your reasoning to adopt?
3. Process your adoption through the lens of IF. Adopting After Infertility is outdated as far as the adoption sections go, but the upfront chapters on choosing your path after IF are still applicable
4. IMO it doesn't hurt to do some research, talk to people, and see if this is the right path for you

GL

sgb721

You need to take time to grieve not only the loss of your baby/ies but also the loss of having biological children. No one can really say for sure you'll know when it is right for you to move towards adoption, you'll find yourself at peace with the decision on day. Don't try to rush things though as grieving is a process.

I am truly sorry for your loss. We went through five losses total but our last one was at 17 weeks. Its an indescribable pain and I"m truly sorry you experienced it. Best wishes!!

aligross

What I can honestly say is that you will never know when the 'right' time to stop with infertility treatments and when to move towards adoption. For us, we wanted to be parents MUCH more than being pregnant. We knew that the chance of us becoming pregnant on our own was zilch, none, not going to happen... We knew that the chance of us becoming parents was 100% in due time. So for us, it was a no brainer. Adoption wasn't a back up plan for us, but we still needed to grieve the loss of the idea of becoming pregnant on our own. We wanted to put our money towards an adoption which had a better guarantee for us versus medical treatments. Adoption gave us back the hope of being parents and for us, that is what mattered. 

Is adoption easy? Nope. 
Do we want to be parents? Yup

Is pregnancy the only way for us to become parents? Nope

We were mindful of where our money was going to be spent? Yup

Did we have to evaluate our feelings? Yup

Do we have to constantly evaluate our feelings? Yes. 

What matters the most is that my husband and I are mindful of our feelings and we are open and honest with each other on how we are feeling. You will know when the right time is. Take the time to grieve and be mindful of your relationship together! Some day you'll have a little one to love!

justjinny

I am really sorry for what you have been through and for the losses you've experienced.  I think it's completely different for each couple when they've had enough with IF treatments.  For us it was pretty soon into the process -  just 2 failed IUI's - when we looked at our chances and the financial hole we'd be digging if we continued on with IVF.  I felt like I'd have more regret trying IVF and failing, than not ever trying it and instead knowing our funds went towards adoption.  I was also totally fried emotionally, so it was the right time to stop & switch paths.

I have to be honest and say looking back now that I wasn't 100% ready for adoption when we first switched from the IF path. MH was completely on board, but I was still working through my feelings of loss and grieving.  It's a strange thing to grieve silently about what you lose through IF since it's the lost intangibles that hurt the most and it so deeply affects your dreams and sense of self (or at least that's how I felt). 

I was fortunate that 1. the adoption process takes time, so I had time to work through my feelings and 2. my agency recommended I read The Open Adoption Experience which had a good chapter on grieving for IF.  It took me months of reading and re-reading this section to process what I was going through and feel normal and ok. I would recommend finding a good book on grieving after IF, even if you don't decide to move ahead with adoption. I would second PP's that it's important to take time before jumping into the adoption process. 

For me it helped to know that IVF, DE or Embryo adoption will always be out there as options if someday we want to try pursuing that for our next child.  It is good to be open minded and not force yourself to stay on a path when it doesn't feel right any longer.

Lacyj67

It is a very tough decision and we actually began the fost adopt program while we see doing a DE frozen transfer. It ended in our second miscarriage and I'm very glad we began the adoption process because it's helping us get thru the hard times. We really want to adopt and try to have our own so for now we will mainly focus on the adoption because we are almost approved and done with that process. We still have 4 frozen embryos to use at a later date. Everyone grieves in there own way so take as much or as little time as is right for you and your family. Good luck.

crene84

We didn't have much insurance coverage for IVF, and the emotional toll it took on us was even worse.  I am glad I did IVF because I think we needed that to officially move forward and I am now so thankful for that.  Adoption is the most amazing thing we have ever done. I couldn't adore DD more.  And as you can see from my siggy, I ended up magically pregnant a few months later...when I didn't think I could get pregnant..but it's just proof, everything happens the way it's supposed to and it will all work out in the end.  Good luck with your decision!

erinmc1

We had a big fat neon sign point us away from infertility treatment. I had severe endometriosis, but after all the testing my husband also had male factor infertility, and our options were extremely limited, and very expensive. We'd already discussed adoption because I just felt a pregnancy wasn't going to happen, and were moving forward with that avenue...even so, letting go of the idea of the experience of pregnancy, the idea of a child that was a mix of us, was painful. You need to take whatever time you need to fully mourn that loss. I agree with the other ladies. Parenting is tough, and you need to leave yourself some resources to make it through that, too.

plus12012

I don't know if I will be much help. We sort of played around with the idea of fertility treatments but, we also knew we planned to adopt. After a few months of trying to conceive with medicine that made me feel terrible, We just said let's just adopt now, there's no reason for us to try and grow our family through childbirth first.

erinms

I don't have any advice on when to stop treatment, but I would recommend seeing a good therapist. I finally went about a year into our infertility process and it has been so incredibly helpful. It gives me a time and place to talk and cry and plan or vent or whatever is needed, and that has been really helpful in helping me feel secure in our decisions (how far to take treatments, etc) and feel supported through the roller-coaster of IF. I have a great husband, great mom/family, etc., but needed a really neutral space just totally for me.

One caveat, my first therapist seemed to think that I wasn't getting pregnant because I wanted it too badly. She got fired QUICK, and I found someone supportive. I hope you don't mind this suggestion- it's just been a really positive thing for me.

hawaiianskye

I have not posted on the bump in a very very very long time.   But I read your question and I immediately could emphasize with you. My husband I were married in August 2009, and basically from that moment on, we were TTC.   First seeing a specialist that winter.   For the last 5 years, we have been on and off that roller coaster.  It is so emotionally draining.   First, finding out he had azoospermia and that we couldn't conceive a natural child together.  Then, the constant disappointments of fertility treatment with a donor failing.  During that time, I tried 2 different specialists.  After a few years of this, I sought out a third specialist.   Finally, he gave clarity to my infertility.  I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, something I most likely had suffered with my whole life but was constantly misdiagnosed.  I had my first laparoscopic surgery in 2012.   I honestly still suffer and most likely we undergo a second eventually.   

For the last 5 years, I've felt like a guinea pig.  Doctor after Doctor toying with my body and emotions.  At one point in 2011, my husband and I, fighting so much, even considered separating. It can do some devastating things to your marriage.  But somehow, we are surviving.   And sometimes, I think we are stronger for all this pain.

At christmas this year, we made the decision together to begin an adoption process.   We need this for us.  We have longed to be parents.   With my 35th birthday approaching, it feels even more urgent because I don't want to be mistaken for the grandma at the high school graduation.   Since its clear to us that we both cannot conceive a natural child, it is our only avenue.  I don't want to you to think its a last resort or decision we feel forced into.  As a child, I actually always talked of growing up and adopting a child one day.  Its something I always thought of even if I had a biological child of my own.   We just know now that the time for us is now.  I buried a long time ago the dream in my heart to be pregnant.  It will never happen for me.  

My suggestion to you is this.   Get a second opinion.  Try another specialist.   Maybe the next specialist will see something that the first had not.  Or maybe will come up with a better course of action.  If I had not changed doctors over three times, I would have never come across the wonderful third specialist who gave me such insight about my health.

I wish you luck in whatever you chose.   We are all in this journey together.  I hope one day in the future we all can share in the joy of motherhood.