I hate what m mind is doing to me right now and need to get out of the dark hole I've sunk into this week. Has anyone ever had feelings of envy over a specific person's pregnancy? I'm envious in general of people who can get pregnant while I can't, but lately I'm having a really hard time kicking negative feelings and self-pity over a specific person's pregancy and I hate myself for it. The very first people I ever told that we were having troubles (aside from a doctor) are my pastor and his wife. They're about our same age but have two very young children already. This past July I was at their house while DH was out of town. My dad was having bypass surgery the next day and I needed to not be alone so I joined them for dinner. Somehow it came up and I took the leap and shared that we'd been trying for over a year and that things weren't working, we were just starting to get medical help. They shared that they were trying again too, which I know was just their way of trying to connect. It felt good at the time to talk about it. Well, about a month later they shared with the congregation during church that they were expecting again. It hurt so much to be there that day and pretend I was happy. I mean I was, you all know the feeling (happy for them, sad for us.) But it still stung. Fast forward - she could have her baby any day now and we're still not pregnant. I feel like it's in my face all the time. Facebook, church (you know how church ladies love babies, it's all anyone can talk about) etc. I usually do pretty well but I have got to find a way to kick this negative energy around ONE couple's pregnancy to the curb. I had a dream last night that he (our pastor) approached me to talk about it and I tried getting away. In the dream, I broke the key to my car off in the ignition in my frenzy to escape and woke up as he got to my car, chasing me down. I am having moments of batshit craziness! I'm only about 6dpo and my boobs hurt a little (not normal for me) so I took a HPT yesterday (negative, of course, but seriously WTH is wrong with me?) I find myself avoiding my faith/prayer life as a way to cope with IF because I am connecting these negative feelings with my church family. I was a total B to DH about something stupid and trivial this morning. I feel like I don't deserve to get pregnant with these thoughts. Don't worry...I will be OK, I just need to get in a better place. Not seeking advice really, just glad to be able to vent.
2.5 years TTC with MFI, 3 failed IUIs
IVF w/ICSI October 2014: 17R, 13M, 12F 4 Frosties
ET of two blasts 11/2/14 BFP!!! It's TWINS! EDD 7/21/15