Having a down IF day, just venting (preg, kids ment, not mine) — The Bump
Trouble TTC

Having a down IF day, just venting (preg, kids ment, not mine)

I hate what m mind is doing to me right now and need to get out of the dark hole I've sunk into this week. Has anyone ever had feelings of envy over a specific person's pregnancy? I'm envious in general of people who can get pregnant while I can't, but lately I'm having a really hard time kicking negative feelings and self-pity over a specific person's pregancy and I hate myself for it. The very first people I ever told that we were having troubles (aside from a doctor) are my pastor and his wife. They're about our same age but have two very young children already. This past July I was at their house while DH was out of town. My dad was having bypass surgery the next day and I needed to not be alone so I joined them for dinner. Somehow it came up and I took the leap and shared that we'd been trying for over a year and that things weren't working, we were just starting to get medical help. They shared that they were trying again too, which I know was just their way of trying to connect. It felt good at the time to talk about it. Well, about a month later they shared with the congregation during church that they were expecting again. It hurt so much to be there that day and pretend I was happy. I mean I was, you all know the feeling (happy for them, sad for us.) But it still stung. Fast forward - she could have her baby any day now and we're still not pregnant. I feel like it's in my face all the time. Facebook, church (you know how church ladies love babies, it's all anyone can talk about) etc. I usually do pretty well but I have got to find a way to kick this negative energy around ONE couple's pregnancy to the curb. I had a dream last night that he (our pastor) approached me to talk about it and I tried getting away. In the dream, I broke the key to my car off in the ignition in my frenzy to escape and woke up as he got to my car, chasing me down. I am having moments of batshit craziness! I'm only about 6dpo and my boobs hurt a little (not normal for me) so I took a HPT yesterday (negative, of course, but seriously WTH is wrong with me?) I find myself avoiding my faith/prayer life as a way to cope with IF because I am connecting these negative feelings with my church family. I was a total B to DH about something stupid and trivial this morning. I feel like I don't deserve to get pregnant with these thoughts. Don't worry...I will be OK, I just need to get in a better place. Not seeking advice really, just glad to be able to vent.
2.5 years TTC with MFI, 3 failed IUIs 
IVF w/ICSI October 2014: 17R, 13M, 12F 4 Frosties
ET of two blasts 11/2/14 BFP!!! It's TWINS! EDD 7/21/15

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

Re: Having a down IF day, just venting (preg, kids ment, not mine)

  • Vent away. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, I've been there too. The craziness comes and goes, but it's all a part of dealing with IF. Don't feel bad at all, it's not like you're telling anyone but us how you're feeling, and it's only natural to feel that way. Be kind to yourself, and FX you get a BFP this cycle. Hugs!

  • Know that feeling! I get most envious over people who weren't even trying! They announced on Facbook that they weren't trying and look at the little miracle! Ugh! I try to be genuinely happy for everyone but some people just make it so darn hard!! Your allowed to be in a crummy mood! I know it stinks but sometimes I throw myself the biggest pity party but it passes! Hopefully, yours passes soon too! I, too, find myelf dreading church mornings. All the old people are dying to know when DH & I are going to have a baby of our own. As bad as I want to scream out and tell them, not everyone can just do the deed and get KU. Some of us actually have a day-to-day stuggle! T&P are with you! It will pass!
    TTC 06/12
    Me- 27 Unexplained Infertility, DH- 29 Poor Morphology
    09/12- Clomid + TI = BFN
    11/12- DH had varicocele. No change. 
    06/13 IUI Cancelled due to premature ovulation. 
    08/13 IUI #1 -Clomid + HCG = BFN
    09/13 IUI # 2 - Clomid + HCG = BFN
    11/13 IUI #3 - Menopur + HCG = BFN
    2/14 IUI #4- Menopur + HCG = BFN
    Moving on to IVF. 1st Cycle starting June 2014

    photo ceb87159-9041-4c7e-9945-2c41309a9e8c.jpg
    March Siggy Challenge: DH and I cruised through a Tropical Storm to Cozumel, Mexico, got engaged, and swam with dolphins!
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  • VENT AWAY GIRL  we all feel that way 
    sometimes. im sorry you're struggling with your pastor & his wife. . id take a break from the church perhaps. 

    DH= burn vic, abn sa MFI|| ME= PCOS, Sarcoidosis, Hypohyroidism HSG-OK
    tried naturally 2011 & 2012-
    TTC with nurse practitioner 2013
    2 clomid cycles- both bfn, started seeing RE 2013 
    MARCH-BFP (beta1;104-beta2;302)-bc of hsg
    [[all welcome !!!!!!!!!!!! ]]
  • i swear facebook was created for people to feel like SH**! its just a brag fest sh** show for people with low self esteem. its like dragging high school into our adult lives.seriously though how many posts are mean to gain popularity with likes, to brag, show off, gain attention etc!   if i am ever able to conceive i plan on keeping it off the internet. my advice is go find a couple with a bunch of cute puppies and ooo and ahh over them :) pets always make me feel better than babies! 
    Husband: MFI Counts 1-11mil, Mot 32%-50% Morph 2-4%
    Me: slightly underactive thyroid
    Married March 2013 TTC since wedding.. 
    Jan 2014 Non medicated IUI-failed 
    April 2014 Started Clomid cancelled IUI due to a low sample
    May 2014 Variococele repair surgery
    (PM me any surgery success stories!)
  • Just wanted to send hugs your way! 

    We said "I Do" Nov 2009  ~  Trying for our first Jan 2013 
    Me: 26 years old  ~  H: 29 years old   ~ Unexplained infertility 
    ~ ALL WELCOME!!! ~

    IUI # 1: March 2014 - Clomid 100mg , BFP, EDD 12/10/2014,  MMC 8w5d, D&C 5/6/14  

    IUI # 2: August 2014 - Clomid 100mg, BFN

    September 5th: Consult with new RE--so happy we switched!!!

    October-CD 3 bw, fluid sonogram, testing for NK cells. Possibly moving to IVF depending on results........bloodwork showed low AMH, elevated natural killer cells, H SA showed mild male factor. Officially signed up for Dec IVF with intralipid infusions.

  • jencity9jencity9
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2014
    I totally understand!!! It's a horrible feeling to feel that way, but I definitely am so envious with specific people. Like with some people I'm genuinely happy and have very little envy (well varying amounts of little envy hehe), but then with others I'm all "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!"  Lol.. I actually have a "friend" who I have really drifted apart in the past couple years since she had her first (that's not why) and now she's having her second and for some reason regarding her it's really bad for me. She got pregnant on her honeymoon and the way I found out was a text picture of her positive test... Her second is due in a couple weeks.

    Me: 32  DH: 33  Married: March 2004

    July 2006: started TTC
    2008: HSG (normal), couple rounds of clomid through gyno

    2008 - 2010: dragging my feet out of fear and procrastination
    October 2010: first consultation with RE, dx PCOS and fibroids (DH slightly low count/motility)
    Oct. 2010 - Dec. 2012:  In DENIAL! avoided the issue because I was scared of surgery
    January 2013: returned to RE, fibroids grew significantly
    February 2013: second HSG, fibroids pushed on tubes which blocked them somewhat
    March 2013: MRI to determine what type of surgery may be necessary
    July 29, 2013: fibroids (5) removed via robotic laparascopy
    August 2013 - Nov 2013 : benched due to recent surgery

    IUI #1, Dec. 24, 2013, BFN 
    IUI #2, Jan. 25, 2014, BFN
    IUI #3, Feb. 25, 2014  BFN
    IUI #4 canceled due to lack of response to letrozole
    IUI #4.1 April 28, 2014, BFN
    May 16, 2014: wtf consult, start prepping for IVF in June and add injects for one last IUI in the meantime
    IUI #5 started letrozole and bravelle but canceled after HSG led to new diagnosis
    May 21, 2014: third HSG, tubes blocked, one at the beginning, one hydrosalpinx??
    June 11, 2014: consult, approved to move on to IVF because the hydro is not completely blocked therefore allowing fluid to move through slowly rather than backwards
    IVF #1 August 8, 2014 - 3dt of 2 embryos, BFN
    September 17, 2014 - 4th HSG, the right tube is very patent (open!!) dye went straight through this time. Weird!
    October 2, 2014 - started metformin treatment
    November 14, 2014 - blood work, brought A1C down from 5.8 to 5.5
    November 26, 2014 - RE finally back from vaca and reviewed my chart, no more IVFs for rest of calendar year
    December 1, 2014 - Right after Thanksgiving, I called a new clinic and got in right away! Plan for IVF
    December 17, 2014 - ER! 29 retrieved (!!), 16 mature, all 16 fertilized (ICSI)
    IVF #2 December 20, 2014 - 3dt of 3 embryos, BFN

    We are done with treatment unsuccessfully. :(

    PAIF/SAIF/All Welcome!

    image    image
  • Hugs and yes. For some reason 3rd kids are hard for me. It's like you've already replaces yourselves, now you're just greedy. I know it makes absolutely no sense.
    Ready to take the road less traveled. 
  • Big Hugs to you. I know this feeling all too well. Right now its my BIL and his fiance (they got engaged a few days after finding out). They are coming up on around 3 months I think and I am dreading the announcement. I am avoiding them whenever possible.
    Me- 27 w/PCOS     DH - 28
    TTC since December 2012 
    BFP 6/29/2013 - EDD 3/16/14 - MMC 9/5/2013
    Diagnosed with PCOS and taking metformin 750 mg  twice a day
    April 2014 -  - 1st ICI Cycle - BFP 5/15/14 EDD: 1/20/15
    A/S 8-22-14 - Its a BOY!!
    12/15 Checkup & heard his beautiful heartbeat


  • I totally understand. I know 11 pregnant people right now. DH is a little creeped that I have an exact number (truthfully so am I, how many people know exactly how many pregnant people they know?). I feel awful because secretly I judge whether they should be having another kid, which is really none of my business. I have endometriosis and we are trying to get pregnant again (we had a loss 7 years ago, then I didn't want to try again for awhile, then we tried on and off for awhile because I could only look at so many BFNs in a row, then I got diagnosed with endometriosis but was in the process of going back to school so I went back on the pill for awhile and we have been trying since my sister's wedding night in Oct and I go back to the Dr in April if we don't get a BFP by then). The next person who asks me if I'm doing it right or tells me that I'm trying too hard is getting punched. Most of the people who tell me I'm trying too hard had multiple accidental pregnancies. I really want to say mean things to them. I was having a 35 day cycle and I was getting reading to O on Monday but yesterday I started bleeding. It was only a little so I thought I was O-ing early (stranger things have happened) so we BD'd yesterday but last night I started bleeding more and it looks more like a period now, which means I just had a 19 day cycle and who knows if I even O'd at all. My family are all big college basketball fans and we had a big basketball themed announcement planned for our families on selection Sunday and I don't even want to tell DH AF came because he's so excited and I feel inadequate and broken and not worthy of him because he is so wonderful about this whole process. I am having a bad day right along with you.

  • I"m so sorry :(  I totally understand what you are going through.  We have some really close friends who have had two children in the space that we have had zero.  It feels horrible to feel horrible and bad to feel jealous.  But, be kind to yourself, you deserve to feel however you feel, and what you are going though is hard, and no one can tell you otherwise. You have the right to have hard days.  I have had a ton of hard days and sometimes I just feel like it is all so unfair and everyone else has it so easy in the fertility department.  Every time another friend announces, I just feel like my heart is getting ripped out all over again.  I wish I didn't feel this way (happy for them, but sad for us) but it is just how I feel. If I didn't allow myself to feel sad, then I'd just be bullying myself on top of everything.  It's ok to feel sad and jealous and exhausted...I totally get it...and I'm so sorry that you are going though this.  I totally understand. I'm right there with you. xx

  • ((Hugs)) Yes!! I can totally relate...I found out about an old friend's pregnancy on FB and now her stinking ultrasound pic is burned on my brain. Of course I'm happy for her, but super jealous for me :(
    *************WARNING CP mentioned***********
    TTC since 12/2012 Me: hypothyroid & egg issues
    DH: MFI
    IUI #1 BFN
    2nd treatment cycle: Clomid & TI BFN
    IUI #2 (injects) IUI BFN
    2/14 through 3/14 benched with a cyst
    IVF#1 CD1 came before beta. BFN. No frosties.
    Benched with cysts...
    IVF#2 beta moved up due to heavy bleeding 6dp5dt...beta was 11. beta#2 20.4! Beta#3 28 Chemical pregnancy :(
    Currently on BCPs with cysts, planning IVF#3 Everyone welcome!
    image image
    image image
  • Thanks so much, everyone. I'm doing better now, working on keeping myself distracted and not focusing on this particular couple. When the baby is born, I'm sure it will sting like new, but as bad as this sounds, they're both taking a healthy maternity/paternity leave so I'm selfishly glad that I'll probably be seeing less of the family for a while. IF does suck because there are reminders of it every single day. I'm sure they were there all along, but I never paid attention before we thought we were having problems. Lately I have been telling myself this might be teaching me to be a more underrstanding person. You've heard the saying, everyone is fighting a battle, and chances are you know nothing about it...it makes me think about the things I take for granted, or that I do or say that are hurtful to people fighting other battles. I'm healthy, happily married, have a job I love, bills I can pay. Do I see people every day who are secretly envious of what I have? IDK, but probably. Now it doesn't mean I won't eat half a package of oreos and get into another slump the next time IF kicks me in the gut.....anyway, thanks for being here, this time and the next time. You rock, 3T.
    2.5 years TTC with MFI, 3 failed IUIs 
    IVF w/ICSI October 2014: 17R, 13M, 12F 4 Frosties
    ET of two blasts 11/2/14 BFP!!! It's TWINS! EDD 7/21/15

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • @calindi, Blerg. IF definitely flucking sucks. I'm sorry DH is pushing back on the vacation. I absolutely need something to look forward to to get me through the weeks. Distractions are like a light at the end of the tunnel (until I get to the next tunnel.) Depending on how down I am, the tunnel might be long or short, but I feel like I need at least *something* small to look forward to, like going out to eat or visiting friends or going shopping and I need it about once a week to get me by. If this IF crap, combined with never-ending winter, keeps up much longer, I might need a vacation too. I hope you and DH can find a way to get away and spare your sanity. Tax refund maybe??
    2.5 years TTC with MFI, 3 failed IUIs 
    IVF w/ICSI October 2014: 17R, 13M, 12F 4 Frosties
    ET of two blasts 11/2/14 BFP!!! It's TWINS! EDD 7/21/15

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • @calindi OK, yeah that sucks. Can't argue with you there. Just don't kill your DH - remember you still want his genetic material! :-P
    2.5 years TTC with MFI, 3 failed IUIs 
    IVF w/ICSI October 2014: 17R, 13M, 12F 4 Frosties
    ET of two blasts 11/2/14 BFP!!! It's TWINS! EDD 7/21/15

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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