advice?

cMichelle0423

Okay so DH's dad has a gf who is stirring up all kinds of drama within the family. To give you a little bit of background, she's not a very pleasant lady in general. She's very quiet and boring, and also lacks personality. She's so monotone when she talks that everything just kinda comes out as bitchy. On top of all that, she is so nosy. She's one of those people who only has a fb to check up on other people. Meaning she never posts stuff on fb, and no one posts stuff on her wall, and yet she's ALWAYS browsing through her newsfeed. Anyway, that's neither here nor there... lately DH's grandmother has been in the hospital and now a nursing home. We currently live with my FIL (we're waiting on our house to be finished being built and are saving money by not renting an apartment) he works shift work and with his mother having medical issues, he's been out of the house more than usual lately. So that means we've been around his gf more without him being around.

Well here's my problem. She has been so disrespectful to me and my husband. Just within the last week, she yelled at DH as if he were her 15 year old son because we turned down the a/c because it was literally 78° in our room. We have a one year old, so our main concern was to keep him from getting too hot. So not much 10 min after we turn on the a/c, she comes upstairs and turns it off and starts bitching to DH about how "he needs to keep his hands off the thermostat because he knows how his father hates when he messes with it". Then about 15 min later our son throws up all over our bed. So while DH gives him a bath, I'm busy cleaning puke off of everything. I had to throw our sheets and pillow cases into the wash so that we weren't sleeping on a bare bed. It was probably around 10:30 when we threw the laundry in the dryer, then 15 min later, this bitch has the nerve to take our stuff out of the dryer and hands them to us still half wet because "the dryer was keeping her up". Like are you kidding me?! She's been constantly doing shit like this since we moved in, but now it's getting worse. I don't have any kind of relationship with her to where I feel comfortable calmly talking to her about it. But at the same time, I'm about to lose my shit! DH feels the same way. He's the kind of person that can bite his tongue, but once he's had enough, he'll explode. I'm half tempted to just let him snap and go off on her, but I'm afraid that'll interfere with things between him and his dad, which can also interfere with us staying there for a couple months... i don't want to make things worse but I don't see it going down any other way no matter how we approach the situation.

Valie18

My advice is... rent an apartment.

nunzchucks

This is hard because you are a guest in FIL's house. If you only have a couple of months left, I would continue to bite my tongue. If you feel like you can't make it, I would rent an apartment.

Unknown

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curlylocks3

I remember your initial posts on the tri board about her guessing you were pregnant from your Facebook posts and you being upset about it. It sounds like there has been tension there for quite a while with this lady.

Unfortunately, while you're living in someone else's house you need to defer to their routine. If you don't like it, I suggest renting an apartment.

flerlgirl

cMichelle0423

She does live there full time BUT she's only lived there for a few years (she has been with my FIL for maybe 5 years at the most but has lived there for less than that). The house is DH's childhood home for the most part. He and his dad and mom and sisters basically built the house themselves. My FIL pays for everything as far as utilities go. And I know for a fact that money isn't the issue. If she pays for anything, it's just stuff like her car note.

She does have kids. She also has grandkids, the youngest one being 7 months old. So she knows better.

And we should only be there for 3 or 4 more moths tops and all of the apartments in our area will only do a 6 month lease or more.. there's a lot more to the situation too, that's making her such a nightmare. We buy our own groceries and don't eat any of their food. But she has no issue eating ours or sharing it with her grandkids. She constantly goes into our room and grabs stuff without asking (like baby stuff for whenever her granddaughter is there). A few weeks ago her son came and visited from out of town and stayed with us, which meant we had to share a bathroom with him and his gf. Which was fine, but she came in and reorganized our entire bathroom to give her son "more room for his stuff". Then she'll come upstairs whenever she feels like it and grabs my son and takes him with her to go hang out. Which I usually don't have a problem with except for she doesn't ever ask if it's okay. Plus she does such a shitty job of watching him, that he ALWAYS gets hurt when she has him.

I could literally go on and on and on.... staying at my FIL's is pretty much our only option right now. I had a talk with DH about him talking to his dad about it, so we'll see how that goes. Only thing that sucks about that is, they both have such busy schedules which are usually opposite, so they sometimes go a week or two without even seeing each other. I'll let yall know how it goes though!

Thanks for the advice ladies!

cMichelle0423

Oh and I'll mention that us being there literally does not interfere with her schedule. They have their room and everything downstairs, while we stay upstairs. We avoid her as much as possible. So if we do have a run in with her, it's because she's going out of her way to go upstairs.

Kinipela7

It doesn't matter who built the house, that she stalks people on facebook, or that she is boring.  Bottom line is:  you are a guest in THEIR house, so you gotta follow their rules and if you don't like to find something else.

If I had to live with my parents for a few months, I would know that I would have to live by their rules and likes and just suck it up.  They are doing you a favor.  It's hard sharing space sometimes.

Bitching to her isn't going to help anything at all.  It's only a few more months.  Bite your tongue and move on.

cMichelle0423

Thanks ladies. I appreciate the different perspectives. Hopefully we can all get on the same page and not have to deal with the disrespect. In our defense though, I feel like I have to add that the disrespect is completely one sided. We never fight with her, there's never been a conflict. Like literally, whenever she starts yelling at one of us (which its usually DH not me that she yells at) we just let her say what she has to say and leave. There's never really a conversation. We basically nod and smile then go about our day. But like i said, we'll try talking about it and go from there. Thanks!

becomingmommyagain

My sister and her kids just moved out of our house.  They lived with us for a year while her fiance/baby daddy was "otherwise indisposed".  She had no other option and we all knew that when we offered for her to move in with us.  Through out the year we had good moments and bad moments. 

We never asked for or required that my sister pay any rent or utilities while she lived with us, despite the fact that she and her 3 children did put a financial drain on our resources.  However, we did require that she purchase her own "consumables" for her family - toilet paper, soaps & shampoos, etc.  Because she chose not to "force" her kids to eat the foods that we had for dinner, we also asked that she purchase her own groceries and have her children's meals prepared and completed before 7pm so that we could then have a normal dinner time for our family as well.  We always invited my sister to join us for "adult dinner".   On occassion she would borrow a loaf of bread or use our peanut butter, or the other way around, but we/she would always be sure to replace what was used.  And we were always respectful enough to let the other know.  Surprisingly the thing that was "borrowed" most frequently was fruit!  I would never tell my niece that she couldnt have a banana because we bought it.  

Being that she's my little sister (by almost 9 years) our families and ideas on parenting were drastically different.  My kids are teenagers and hers were toddlers.  When it comes to parenting she's a bit permissive and I'm more conservative.  On this point we required her to parent her kids more closely to the way we parent ours.  She was at first annoyed and resistant but in the end I think she realized that some of the things we wouldn't budge on were for the benefit of everyone - nap times, bed times, bath times, coloring only at the kitchen table under supervision, keeping their toys in their room to play, and if the child was screaming quickly taking corrective action.  She was required to adapt to our family's schedule.

I think the biggest points of contention for us were when she would fail to communicate with us.  There were some days that she would get home from work, feed her kids, and then disappear to her room with her kids and never even say hello.  She said she was trying to stay out of our way, but to us it really felt that she was not participating in family.  

My advice to you...you and your husband need to talk with her and your FIL about the expectations they have for you living there and what your end goals are.  When they accepted you into their home they knew it was for more than a weekend stay.  You all need to find a middle ground that works for everyone else.  It may be that more communication is needed.  Talk about the things in their home that they feel they should have absolute control over (the thermostat) and what things need to be shared resources (laundry facilities).  Ask for a specific space in the kitchen to store the grocery items you purchase just for your child and maybe consider sharing the grocery expenses for the adults.  It is much much cheaper and time effective to prepare one dinner than to have two families fighting for the kitchen.  Maybe you could volunteer to cook for everyone and create a menu and grocery list accordingly.  Maybe what is missing is some good old fashioned family togetherness and socializing with each other?

LadyMacaron

Kinipela7 said:

It doesn't matter who built the house, that she stalks people on facebook, or that she is boring.  Bottom line is:  you are a guest in THEIR house, so you gotta follow their rules and if you don't like to find something else.

If I had to live with my parents for a few months, I would know that I would have to live by their rules and likes and just suck it up.  They are doing you a favor.  It's hard sharing space sometimes.

Bitching to her isn't going to help anything at all.  It's only a few more months.  Bite your tongue and move on.

This. It is her house now too. And the fact that the way you describe her is diminishing her value as as an important person in the home makes me think maybe you guys haven't been all that accepting of her. So, that could all be building up on both sides. I don't think it matters how long she's lived there vs. that your DH is his son. It's her house and not his, I assume your DH moved out A LONG time ago. I have no claims to my childhood home. Either talk to his dad privately, or suck it up for the short time. You are a guest. It sounds like it sucks over there, and I empathize, but you are going to make things worse if you snap at her.

Pepper6

This is a tough situation because there are some things (like thermostat and laundry times) that I think are 'their house, their rules", but others (like borrowing your things without asking) that definitely cross a line.  I do think you need to communicate with both FIL and his GF about certain things that are bothering you, but you have to be careful how you word it as to not seem ungrateful.  Other than that, some of the little things that are annoying, but really have no effect on you in the long run, I think you just need to grin and bear it for the time being.

It still sucks all around, so good luck to you in working things out and hopefully your new house moves along quicker than expected so you can get out of there!

curlylocks3

How long have you all been living with her?

cMichelle0423

curlylocks3 said:

How long have you all been living with her?

We moved in on the 1st of this month... since we moved back down here to TX, we've always made a point to go visit all the grandparents at least 2 or 3 times a month though, and with the holidays and recent birthdays we've seen a lot of her lately even before we moved in.

curlylocks3

cMichelle0423 said:

How long have you all been living with her?

We moved in on the 1st of this month... since we moved back down here to TX, we've always made a point to go visit all the grandparents at least 2 or 3 times a month though, and with the holidays and recent birthdays we've seen a lot of her lately even before we moved in.

Get an apartment. I know you don't want to pay for a 6 month lease but its obvious this isn't working out. If its this bad after less than a month, imagine how it will be in 4 more. 

The 6 month lease will also give you some extra wiggle room if there are delays in your house being finished and you can't move in as quickly as planned. 

@tdonatoni: You don't sound like a bitch. At all.