Are there really pros?

Ago

I know everyone is probably gone for the day...

So, when I think about having another kid and decide to "weigh the pros and cons," is there really any pros for having kids (or more kids) in today's society?  I ask this group because when you think about it, everyone who lists out their pros and cons on here gets a counterpoint to the pros.  I think it just comes down to: What do you want?  What will work for your family?  Unless there is a true "pro" that I'm missing?  I don't think people have lots of kids these days for the free labor on the farm and household contribution...

hopefulmom81

SandAndsSea said:

I'm a fence-sitter so I think about pros and cons a lot.  We only have DS now and he's 2 and we're nowhere near ready to add another.  The major pros on my list for a second child are:

1- a playmate/friend for DS - likely though not guaranteed

2- as our parents are aging or getting serious illnesses, it's been VERY nice for us to have a sibling to share the emotions and responsibility with

3- I've always thought I'd have 2 and think I may feel like my family is complete after 2 - I'm not sure if we're "complete" yet, though we are very happy if that makes sense?

4- extra tax deductions (j/k, this is not a real consideration)  

Not to hijack the post, and in response to it, no I don't think there are any TRUE benefits that are general to multiple children.  The only thing I can think is the excitement of a holiday would be fun with multiple children....

Can I ask a realistic question on this point for those of you with siblings?  Okay, so say I got pregnant right this second.  DD would be 2.5 when the baby was born.  That means, reasonably, she would be around 5 when the baby is able to "play".  What 5 year old wants to play the same things as a 2.5 year old?  And then, later in life, what 10 year old wants to play with a 7.5 year old? And don't even get me started on two teenagers 2.5 years apart.

  

I get that siblings can be "friends for life", but in all seriousness what siblings are constantly playing together any more than a kid and their neighborhood friends of the same age?

If they become close at a later age, how is that relationship much different than a friend I have had for 20 years?

I just TRULY question the validity of the playmate/friend for life.  Out of say 30 friends, I know ONE set of siblings that are each other's best friends.  The rest seem closer to their other friends than their siblings.

Ago

That makes complete sense!  I think about those things to and they are "pros" on my list - but it seems that the response would be kind of how you phrased your first one - that it isn't a guarantee.  I feel almost - selfish? - making my pros list, as it seems the response to my list (in my head) is that it isn't a guarantee that those pros will happen.

KatieB19

I sat on the fence for a few months. The pros for me, at the time, would be giving DS the opportunity to be a big brother and all that entails -- teaching a younger sibling, playing with a sibling, learning how to navigate a relationship that is different from parent/child, having a special relationship with someone in the house who is on a peer level (sharing secrets, playing games unknown to mom and dad)... Hopefully these make sense! lol

Obviously not all siblings get along, but I feel like even siblings that may grow apart or not be close may experience the things I listed.

There is also the aging parent aspect, assuming that the siblings are still close and willing to share the emotional/financial burden.

Honestly, though, the only reason I think a second (or third... or more) should be considered -- and why I didn't stay on the fence long -- is if you feel like your family is not complete. If you feel that your future family includes more children, then have more children.

KatieB19

hopefulmom81 said:

SandAndsSea said:

I'm a fence-sitter so I think about pros and cons a lot.  We only have DS now and he's 2 and we're nowhere near ready to add another.  The major pros on my list for a second child are:

1- a playmate/friend for DS - likely though not guaranteed

2- as our parents are aging or getting serious illnesses, it's been VERY nice for us to have a sibling to share the emotions and responsibility with

3- I've always thought I'd have 2 and think I may feel like my family is complete after 2 - I'm not sure if we're "complete" yet, though we are very happy if that makes sense?

4- extra tax deductions (j/k, this is not a real consideration)  

Not to hijack the post, and in response to it, no I don't think there are any TRUE benefits that are general to multiple children.  The only thing I can think is the excitement of a holiday would be fun with multiple children....

Can I ask a realistic question on this point for those of you with siblings?  Okay, so say I got pregnant right this second.  DD would be 2.5 when the baby was born.  That means, reasonably, she would be around 5 when the baby is able to "play".  What 5 year old wants to play the same things as a 2.5 year old?  And then, later in life, what 10 year old wants to play with a 7.5 year old? And don't even get me started on two teenagers 2.5 years apart.

  

I get that siblings can be "friends for life", but in all seriousness what siblings are constantly playing together any more than a kid and their neighborhood friends of the same age?

If they become close at a later age, how is that relationship much different than a friend I have had for 20 years?

I just TRULY question the validity of the playmate/friend for life.  Out of say 30 friends, I know ONE set of siblings that are each other's best friends.  The rest seem closer to their other friends than their siblings.

In response to the bolded...

A friend of mine had her second (boy) when her oldest (girl) was 4 or almost 4. This girl has loved her brother from day one. She held her brother as a baby, rolled balls and played with him when he could sit up, and now that they are 6ish and 3, they play together all.the.time. They dress up, she makes up games that he plays too, he follows her everywhere and she loves it. It's been like this (playing) since he could walk.

So obviously I can't speak to what they'll be like as teenagers, but they are seriously so close as kids right now, despite the age difference.

kristennd

My brother and I are 3.5 years apart but we had fun playing together as kids.

Each child is different, so I can see the added fun of added kids. It's not just more of the same. There's variety. And sometimes just more people is more fun -- hanging out with a group of friends vs just one. I can especially understand it for extroverts.

gwendarling

Agree that beyond the tax break and giving DD the chance to have a close sibling (relationship-wise, not age-wise), the "pros" are all very selfish and really all about me and my desire to have another. 

It's so different for everyone, I know a lot of people really do use the sibling factor as a reason why they want another, and obviously it's not in our place to argue with that; it is their belief that a sibling will be a companion for life. Clearly, one and doners aren't on board with that idea. 

For me, I love the idea of a four year gap in between, but I really cannot see my situation changing in the next two years. Also, the thought of pregnancy, birth, and post partum still give me major anxiety... but it's the postpartum part that makes me want another: I feel as though I didn't enjoy my first enough, and I feel like the second time won't be as bad and I'll enjoy the bf'ing, the sleeping, the chaos of it all. Which of course may not even pan out! 

KatieB19

gwendarling said:

Agree that beyond the tax break and giving DD the chance to have a close sibling (relationship-wise, not age-wise), the "pros" are all very selfish and really all about me and my desire to have another. 

It's so different for everyone, I know a lot of people really do use the sibling factor as a reason why they want another, and obviously it's not in our place to argue with that; it is their belief that a sibling will be a companion for life. Clearly, one and doners aren't on board with that idea. 

For me, I love the idea of a four year gap in between, but I really cannot see my situation changing in the next two years. Also, the thought of pregnancy, birth, and post partum still give me major anxiety... but it's the postpartum part that makes me want another: I feel as though I didn't enjoy my first enough, and I feel like the second time won't be as bad and I'll enjoy the bf'ing, the sleeping, the chaos of it all. Which of course may not even pan out! 

I don't see a problem with "giving" your child a sibling, if you, in fact, want to have another child. I take that as, "I want to have another child" (first) and "I'm giving my child a sibling" (second).

I have a problem when parents think they *should* have another child, despite reservations, because they think they need to "give' their child a sibling.

Stopping at one or having more should be a selfish decision. You can't predict anything, so you should make sure YOU are at peace with whatever the decision is.

gwendarling

KatieB19 said:

gwendarling said:

Agree that beyond the tax break and giving DD the chance to have a close sibling (relationship-wise, not age-wise), the "pros" are all very selfish and really all about me and my desire to have another. 

It's so different for everyone, I know a lot of people really do use the sibling factor as a reason why they want another, and obviously it's not in our place to argue with that; it is their belief that a sibling will be a companion for life. Clearly, one and doners aren't on board with that idea. 

For me, I love the idea of a four year gap in between, but I really cannot see my situation changing in the next two years. Also, the thought of pregnancy, birth, and post partum still give me major anxiety... but it's the postpartum part that makes me want another: I feel as though I didn't enjoy my first enough, and I feel like the second time won't be as bad and I'll enjoy the bf'ing, the sleeping, the chaos of it all. Which of course may not even pan out! 

I don't see a problem with "giving" your child a sibling, if you, in fact, want to have another child. I take that as, "I want to have another child" (first) and "I'm giving my child a sibling" (second).

I have a problem when parents think they *should* have another child, despite reservations, because they think they need to "give' their child a sibling.

Stopping at one or having more should be a selfish decision. You can't predict anything, so you should make sure YOU are at peace with whatever the decision is.

I am 100% with you on the bolded... but I feel a lot of people don't see the difference when they make this decision. 

Chapter79

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

I think the major pros of why people have more than one kid is the longing for multiple children & the stereotypical 2.5 kids with a white picket fence. Some people may even know that there are many cons for them to adding more kids but the pro of having that big family outweighs it.

For me, DS is all I want so I don't struggle with this. I never wanted a very large family & once he came along, he fulfilled all my child longing needs & wants. 

This. Never struggled with our choice, that's why H was snipped when our daughter was just 2 years old. Never wanted that big family, knew it wasn't for us.

Sure I can think of a few pros, but very few.  The biggest would perhaps be someone "built in" that DD would play with, I guess.  But now at almost 8, she even tells me she doesn't want that. "I'm glad I'm an only child!!  Then I don't have a brother or sister to annoy me. I like to play by toys by myself"  :P  And if she wants that partner, we call a friend.  Invite a friend over. She also has those friends allll day in school.

The only other con I can think of, and literally THEEEEE one thing I struggled with VERY briefly way back when was that she will never have the chance to be an aunt.  She'll never have a niece or nephew.  (unless she marries someday, and their sibling has a child and she considers them as such- like I do my H's sister who is about to have her first child).

So that's like 2 possible pros for me.  My list of cons is over 15, easily. That seems to be a logical choice for us.

But I agree with a PP... your answers will absolutely be skewed here.   You ask parents of 2+ kids and they will have lists of many pros with not as many cons.

holleysgirl

My sister and I are 2.5 years apart and have always been best friends. I considered (briefly) having another because my relationship with my sister is so incredible and I would love to give that to my kids, BUT it is rare. We are unique and I know that. My reasons are all about me. I want to feel a baby kicking and be pregnant, I want to breast feed, and now that my LO is getting ready for Kindergarten next year AND I'm 35 this weekend I am very nostalgic. The reasons above are not enough to convince me to have another. My family feels complete, we are happier than ever (my kid was colicky and had some minor delays but enough to stress me beyond belief) , we are independent and have hobbies and interests we can put energy into. This makes us happy, and makes our marriage work. I realistically know a 2nd would strain our marriage. I also can't fathom the financial responsibility of another when we have student loans, retirement to save for etc. All of this to say my pros are about my maternal desires/clock. Which I think are totally legit, but I won't let them dictate our decision.

bridetobemo

my sister and i are 5 years apart and while we are very close now as kids we never were mainly bc of our age gap we had nothing in common. 

meo34

Pro for me would be to have another experience with raising and sharing our lives with another person who is part of me and my husband. That is the most amazing thing about being a parent and it would have been a reason for us to have another. That being said having another could detract from fully enjoying the experience with our son.