DH works overnights

djtippietoes

I've probably posted about this before, but my husband works midnight - 8 am.  This is really the first week that we haven't had family in town or anything and I've been totally alone at night with the baby and it's been really hard.  I know it's not my husband's fault that he works the shift he does, but I can't help feeling sort of resentful.  He doesn't have to ever be alone with the baby.  He doesn't know what it's like to be insanely tired but not able to sleep because the baby is crying and you can't figure out why.

We are trying to figure out when it's best for him to sleep (him being DH) - as soon as he gets home until like 6pm and then spend time with LO (and give me a break) then or for him to spend time with him as soon as he gets home and then sleep from like 2-10.  

Anyone else deal with this?  How can I best make it work without getting irrationally upset at the situation which turns into me getting irrationally upset at DH.

dunvilles

You know. MH works 8-6 but it feels the same as what you are describing. I think when one spouse is working full time and the other isn't it is hard.

Even though my husband is home at night, it is still me feeding ds and changing him.

Codypup

That does sound frustrating. I would probably feel resentful too! 

As far as your question about when he should sleep...I'd look at what would be most helpful to YOU. Personally, I find myself most exhausted and wanting to sleep from 6-9pm. My H will watch the baby then while I sleep. Is there a certain point in the day where you're most exhausted?

Would you be able to go back to bed when your H gets home from work, at like 8:30 or whenever? I'd focus on what would help YOU the most considering you're not getting help at night.

Also -- is there a reason he needs to be sleeping a full 8 hours...? It's not like we're able to do that! 

Edited bcs  I posted too soon. 

BioGirl21

MH works 10:30 to 7 and I agree, it SUCKS! Last night J was up every freaking hour and I just wanted someone to give him a bottle so I could be away from the screaming, needy baby for a bit, but nope, it's all me. It also sucks during the day when he's sleeping because it just gets so lonely knowing that he's here but not really because he needs to sleep to function at work all night, which is hard enough to do even without having a new baby.
We aren't doing daycare when I go back to work(we might be re-thinking this) so MH is generally sleeping 3-9 because that's when he'll be sleeping when I go back, and he works a second job 2-3 days a week that is usually 8-2. He's finding it hard to stay awake though, so I wish he was able to sleep when he got home from work until 5 or 6 to spend the evenings with us. I agree with a PP that it really depends on when you want him around.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, no one should have to work nights, it's truly horrible.

slwprincess

I'm also thinking he shouldn't get 8 full hours of uninterrupted sleep.  I'd say he should take the baby for an hour or two right when he gets home and you take a nap (right now, those morning naps are GLORIOUS for me).  Then you wake up, grab a bite to eat together, and he should go to bed then and wake up maybe an hour or so early to let you get a head start on sleep and if he could handle putting baby down for the night before he leaves... that would be perfect.  I'm really big on assigning duties to daddy.  It has worked so well for us.  For example, DH handles bedtime story/songs and I just come in at the last minute to sing twinkle twinkle and do kisses.  We started this when the older ones were tiny babies and it has stuck. Maybe you guys could find your own "daddy duty" and leave that to him while you get some extra zzz's. 

JackieP1023

MH works a 12 hour rotating swing shift. So he works a couple 12 hour nights (6:30pm-7am) followed by a couple days off, then a couple 12 hour days (6:30am-7pm). He goes back to work on Wed, although this week will be just daytime hours. (7am-7pm) I'm not sure how it will work out... My work (part time) says they are willing to work around MH schedule, since we don't have daycare available until November (hopefully!) I'm not sure how well he will adapt to working nights, and watching baby during the day, but it's what we gotta do!

courtls22

My husband works 10 P.M.-6 A.M. but with the commute is actually gone from 9-7.  We just had baby so he doesn't go back to work until next Tuesday night but I'm already nervous for it.  There's no way in hell he's going to sleep 8 hours though.  We haven't quite figured out how he's going to sleep.  Before he always went right to bed and woke up around 1 or 2 but we will have to figure out what works best.  I'm thinking I may need a break when he gets home so he would go to bed later but I'm not really sure yet.  Either way, I sympathize with you and know it's going to be hard.  If he worked a different shift, family could come over to help at times but that doesn't really work in the middle of the night. 

rachaelmary

For some reason I feel I would like this better! MH works a regular 8-4 job but I let him sleep through the night as he's an electrician and one mistake could kill him. If he worked nights and then I could nap a few hours in the morning between a feed, glorious!

Then if he slept from like 9-3 you'd have the evening together to have dinner and relax.

Grass is always greener though, right?

djtippietoes

The 8 hours thing is something that we've argued about.  I don't think it's fair that he gets 8 hours of interrupted sleep either.  In reality, I let him sleep about 6 or maybe 7 before getting him up to help me.

He is open to sleeping whenever is best for me, but the nights are still really rough.  I think that @slwprincess idea might work though - he came home at 9ish this morning and let me sleep from 9-12 and then I said I'd wake him up at 7 to help me some more.  It works when he actually falls asleep but I know we're going to run into some times when he will try to go to sleep but not fall asleep for several hours and then tell me he can't wake up "early" because he needs to get enough sleep to go to work.

It's a shitty situation.

Codypup

That does sound like a shitty situation, but remember that it's not permanent. Soon enough (hopefully) your LO will start sleeping for longer stretches at night, which means you'll get more sleep too. 

Do you BF or bottle feed? I just started pumping today in hopes that my H can help out more with feedings -- I didn't know if I should introduce the bottle yet, but my sanity is demanding it! Not sure what your situation is with feeding.

Big props to you for handling nights completely on your own. It's HARD, and I completely understand you needing a break! I hope you and your H can come up with a solution. 

(HUGS)

djtippietoes

@codypup we bottle feed.  At least MH can help me on the weekends during the night with that, so that's a plus, I suppose.

Codypup

djtippietoes said:

@codypup we bottle feed.  At least MH can help me on the weekends during the night with that, so that's a plus, I suppose.

@djtippietoes, I was starting to feel crazy, chained to the baby like I was. She's also CFing right now, which is ridiculously exhausting. I fed her from a bottle this morning and she took it (!!!) and I am majorly excited to (hopefully) get more than 1 hour of sleep at a time. My H is going to attempt to feed for the first time tonight. 

So I do think it's a plus that he can help out with feedings on the weekends -- but I still understand your exhaustion and frustration. Maybe you guys can attempt a schedule for your H's sleep, but take it day by day? 

djtippietoes

@codypup glad she was able to take a bottle!  That definitely makes it easier.  (Breastfeeding didn't work out for me.)

He is open to coming up with a sleep schedule - I just know him and I know that he has trouble falling asleep and trouble waking up so it's going to be rough.  Ugh.

Nikkijo1022

My DH works 11p-7a (but is gone 1015p-730a) so I'm in the same place as you. He will return to work Sunday and I'm feeling the same way.
I Think we 'll see how things go and probably change things up as LO grows and I go back to work etc. I am exhausted in the mornings from BF all night so I think DH will give LO a morning bottle and be up with him for me to nap from 8-10. Then DH will sleep from 10-4 or 5. I agree with previous posters on not having hubby get full 8 hours. That being said I won't be at work for a while so while I can nap during the day DH can't during his work shift.
I think when I go back to work well have to revisit and I will probably get to bed very early and have him do the last feed of the night so I can get a few extra hours. Night shift is definitely not ideal for some (me being one of them) but keep your head up and good luck!! I'm terrified of DH going back this weekend

slwprincess

djtippietoes said:

The 8 hours thing is something that we've argued about.  I don't think it's fair that he gets 8 hours of interrupted sleep either.  In reality, I let him sleep about 6 or maybe 7 before getting him up to help me.

He is open to sleeping whenever is best for me, but the nights are still really rough.  I think that @slwprincess idea might work though - he came home at 9ish this morning and let me sleep from 9-12 and then I said I'd wake him up at 7 to help me some more.  It works when he actually falls asleep but I know we're going to run into some times when he will try to go to sleep but not fall asleep for several hours and then tell me he can't wake up "early" because he needs to get enough sleep to go to work.

It's a shitty situation.

Would he consider taking ambien for the first week or so while his body adjusts to the new schedule? I'm thinking he could pop that while you guys are eating breakfast/lunch and should be kicking in just in time for him to go to bed. If he can get a solid 6-7 hr stretch, he can function at work (I've done it on much less!). And remember, this too shall pass! In a few more weeks, baby will be adjusting to a more "normal" schedule and then you guys will have to adjust again then.

Winnieella

My h works 12 hour night shifts but with the commute it is more like 13 hours. It sucks and something we are working on, since when he comes home to relieve me, he ends up falling asleep and I wake up to DS screaming.

MamaHollywood27

Ugh I'm struggling to, DH works 2-10 but wants to take a 3rd shift position. His work is only 3 miles away but he seems to think that it will be easier if he is home when the kids are? My fear is him not getting enough sleep! He barely sleeps as it is now! He is so helpful in the mornings but ill admit after school can be stressful w homework, dinner, bath and bed time routines by myself especially w the new LO. I may have him read this thread cuz it seems the grass isn't always greener.