Struggling (living child mentioned)

Bgirma

One of my co-workers (and good friends) was due 7 days before me. We are both first time moms and we spent our pregnancies together- taking walks after work, talking about our symptoms and making plans to raise our boys together. We both had our sons on Christmas Day. When I heard that her son was born, I was so happy and relieved that they were both healthy. I figured that it might take some time for me to be able to see her and meet her son. But now, almost 8 weeks out from losing our son, I feel like I never want to meet him or see her. And I feel so guilty that I feel that way.

Many of my friends are pregnant or have infants and I've been able to see/talk to them. But if I hear her name unexpectedly or come across a picture of him, I feel angry that she gets to have her son and I don't. I think about how they should be the same age, should be playing together, should grow up together. I hate that I feel that feel angry. She is a wonderful person and such a good friend.

So, I feel angry.. then guilty for feeling angry.. then anxious about how I'll feel when I actually see her. I'm even avoiding going back to the office even though she's still on maternity leave because I don't want to hear coworkers talking about her and her baby. I can work from home for as long as I want but I know that I can't avoid this forever.

I guess I don't really know what I'm looking for in sharing this, just need to share. I've talked to my husband about it and he is so so supportive but I know that he doesn't truly understand. He was able to visit them and he felt a bit sad holding her son but he doesn't feel the intense emotions that I do. It kind of makes me feel like a bad person.. Why am I angry that she is happy and healthy with her son? That's all I wanted for myself. Ugh, I get so worked up about this but it definitely helps to write it out. Thanks for listening.

jess123456

So sorry. This is very normal and I think we can all relate to this.

The guilt part is totally normal but don't even waste one minute feeling guilt for feeling angry because let's face it, you have every right in the world to be angry. It's not fair. It should be like it was before and it isn't. This friend is probably a trigger for you because you identify her with all of your hopes and dreams of your own child. I doubt you have any evil feelings about her. It's just what she represents and that's so hard. Try not being so hard on yourself. You have been through the worst possible experience and your friend should be able to empathize that you can't see them right now. You will see them when you feel ready and it's totally OK if you aren't. It's not personal against her, it sounds like it's just the situation and what you need to do for you.

My husband is very similar to yours in that he can separate our experience from others. I am so sorry. Hugs to you.

SchoolPsychSteph

I can relate and feel the same way. A coworker and I were pregnant and she is due mid-May (I was supposed to be due at the end of June). We would talk about the babies together and share experiences. It was fun and I loved getting to know her better. Now that I'm not pregnant and she still is, I have yet to face her. Luckily we aren't at the same schools, but I'm dreading the day we cross paths.

I, too, hear this is normal. It's okay to feel angry and guilty. I completely agree with the previous poster, it's not against her, but what she represents and what you would have been and would have had. ((Hugs))

Bgirma

Thank you. I already feel better- just writing it out and hearing that it's normal makes me feel better.

@SchoolPsychSteph- I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well. I hope we're both able to find some peace soon.

bunnybun4

what you are feeling is so normal.

my SIL had twins a month before I was due with bunny and already has a healthy 3 year old...we were so excited to be pregnant together and the whole family was just full of joy to be expecting 3 babies...

I struggled with A LOT of anger and resentment towards her and my ILs.  (still do sometimes)...then I would hate myself for being mad at someone who 1. didn't do anything wrong and 2. had been extremely kind and sensitive to me after our loss....honestly I think sometimes those were some of the lowest times in my grief...the anger and resentment.  It was really hard at first...and honestly there are still some moments where the feelings and sadness come back when I see my nephews (and when I see that she has 3 healthy kids and I can't even have one)...but I can tell you it does get better.  It gradually starts to lessen and lessen and I find for the most part that the moments I dread seeing them aren't as bad as i thought they would be.

Please be patient with yourself and let yourself grieve...what you are feeling is just part of the grieving process and you will work through it a day at a time. 

so sorry you are feeling all of these things.

jess123456

I should mention I beat myself about having those feelings of anger or resentment towards people too. My therapist told me to have an internal dialog with myself and say "it's ok to feel anger and resentment... It's ok to feel this way right now because that is how I feel and I have every right to feel this way". I know it sounds super cheesy but sometimes when we can check in with our emotions it helps to validate them.

stefuge

I am so sorry, and what you are feeling is completely normal.  A close friend of mine was pregnant the same time I was and due 6 weeks before Colton.  Her daughter ended up being born 3 weeks after Colton, and it is really hard to see them or talk with her.  I try to do my best, but when she complains and vents about motherhood or newborn issues, I just cringe.  I want to tell her be grateful your little girl is here, and I know she knows that, but it is hard.  I have only met her little girl once and even though I wanted to be supportive, I wasn't able to hold her or really focus on her too much.  Every time I see pictures all I can think is that is how old Colton would be right now.  This is a very dear friend, and I hate to see our friendship pull apart or have distance, but I agree with PP, that sometimes we have to just protect ourselves, and right now, my heart is too broken. ((hugs))

schulme2

I have really been struggling with the anger/jealousy for all the people I know who are pregnant and of course, then I feel guilty for feeling those things. I wish it wasn't that way, but I think it's normal. It seems like everyone else but us is getting what we want. Big hugs to you, take all the time you need.

MCH77

I have 8 co-workers due in April/May/June (my due date was May 7).  Luckily many of the 8 are men, so I try to forget they are about to have baby.  

One of my co-workers is due May 14.  We have the same OB.  We would text and catch up on where we are at and our next appointments.  It kills me to see her.  

I wrote her an email before returning to work asking her not to avoid me (give me space) and not to be upset if I avoided her/acted weird around her.  I let her know that I was still very raw and sad.  I didn't want her to take it personality that I wasn't talking with her.  It's a big school, so I don't see her often, but we have a ton of similar kids.  She wrote back understanding.  It made me feel better about avoiding her.  

Ofcourse the universe had different plans.  At my 3 week follow-up appt, she also had an appointment schedule for the same time.  1pm on a Wed.  So we stood in the hall crying/hugging.  It felt good to get that out.

It still kills me everytime I see her.    I hate feeling this way.  

veetveet

My best friend is pregnant with twins. I am avoiding her like the plague. To be honest I'm avoiding everyone prego or not. 

 I'm floored my husband can sleep and laugh and smile. He is super supportive and my rock- but shit man....Cry a little more- be as miserable as me! He is always so positive and tries to see the sunshine in everything.   

 I have a girl at work too that was about 5 weeks behind me.... we talked a lot about our pregnancies. When I go back to work she will just be leaving for her mat leave. I am actually scared to go back to work because of how people will treat me. 

This is all still very fresh for me. 

But I don't feel resentment towards pregnant people, or babies.... the baby food aisle or diaper commercials don't make me cry.

Take the time you need to heal.   But if you do want this lady in your life- maybe you can go and meet for coffee- no baby and just tell her how you feel, that you're sad, etc.   You never know she may be able to help you get thru this.   

Then again, what do know- I've been a hermit and just lost my boy on Tuesday.  

Bgirma

Thanks so much for the advice and for understanding. I hate that so many of us are dealing with this.

@jess123456- I'm going to try out that internal dialogue. I think it could be really helpful.

@veetveet- I'm thinking about you. Those first few weeks are so raw and difficult. I avoided people for a long time too, I didn't see a non family member for 5 weeks. I just needed to be alone or with my husband. I'm starting to see friends more now- sometimes it's wonderful to catch up with them and share about our son and sometimes it's difficult and I get really sad. But I'm glad I have myself some time alone and I'm glad that I'm gently pushing myself to see people now. I hope you take the time you need.

I think I'm going to reach out to her when it feels right. Maybe coffee, maybe just an email explaining how I feel.

Thanks again to everyone for the support.

Maybe Joleisa

schulme2 said:

I have really been struggling with the anger/jealousy for all the people I know who are pregnant and of course, then I feel guilty for feeling those things. I wish it wasn't that way, but I think it's normal. It seems like everyone else but us is getting what we want. Big hugs to you, take all the time you need.

This is exactly how I feel. I have a coworker who delivered her term baby 3 days after our boys were born too soon. She reached out with an email and was so empathetic to our loss. You will meet your friend's son when you are ready...whenever that is will be the perfect time.

BrandyD06

OP, when my daughter died I hated seeing my sister and my stepdaughters mother because their children are only a few months younger than my daughter. It killed me and I couldn't help but wonder why my daughter had to die but their children got to live. Not that I would wish this loss, these feelings on anyone, I just want you to know what you are feeling is normal. Have you tried going to counseling? It helped me with my daughter and I am considering it for my current loss.

BrandyD06

schulme2 said:

I have really been struggling with the anger/jealousy for all the people I know who are pregnant and of course, then I feel guilty for feeling those things. I wish it wasn't that way, but I think it's normal. It seems like everyone else but us is getting what we want. Big hugs to you, take all the time you need.

After my daughter I couldn't see a baby without crying, I couldn't even pass baby clothes or diapers, it hurt to badly. I wasn't jealous of people I didn't know or even most of the ones I do know but it hurt like hell to see a living breathing baby and I had to watch my Baby die...I don't want to say I know what all of you ladies are going through because every situation is different and the way people grieve is different but I can empathize.