Grandpa's Girlfriend calls herself grandma :-(

betha707

Hi All, My boyfriends father has a girlfriend he's been dating about as long we've been together, about 4 years and currently live together. She's nice enough but I don't feel any strong bond with her at all and neither does my boyfriend. Problem is she insists on calling herself Grandma to my daughter, and referring to my daughter as her grandaughter! I personally find this overbearing and creepy, mainly because she didn't talk to me first she just went ahead assumed it would be ok. She's also really imposing when it comes to holding to her, like I owe it to her or something, her first encounter with the baby was when she was a little over a week old, I didn't offer the baby to anyone to hold, as the night comes to an end she says "when can I get my hands on that baby!" I reluctantly let her hold her and then sat there horrified as started stroking my baby.s face. She was only a week old, can't you just hold her and look at her? We saw them again last night and same thing - the baby fussed this time though, but I gave her a minute to see if she would calm down when I hear grandpas girlfriend say "tell grandma what you want" I couldn't take it so I took my daughter back and made it a point to thank her by her first name. What should I do? I don't want to rock the boat and hurt feelings, but this really bothers me and I don't want her around my daughter anymore. She has her own grand kids and they don't call my boyfriends dad grandpa, and my daughter has two biological grandmothers that claim the grandma title. Thoughts? I'm really starting to not like her.

myeverything1203

I have no advice but I can say I am going through the same thing....and it is really REALLY irritating. My dad's gf is crazy and annoying. My mom passed away and I just don't like the idea of her calling MY mom's grand daughter her granddaughter. Look here biotch yoy are NOT my baby's grandma. Sorry you are goin through it also. Any advice from others would be nice though!

KateVA

I'm sure there is more back story here but nothing you wrote sounds that bad. Isn't your daughter lucky to have three women who love her like as a granddaughter? Idk, I'd try to find a nickname that works for you, like Grandma 'her name' and then try to let it go.

betha707

Her dad and I talked about that, but for now I say no. mainly because I hardly know this woman and I'm put off that she seems to thinks because she's grandpas girlfriend she automatically gets the grandma title to my daughter. To me it seems like it would have been more appropriate to let it unfold naturally and and possibly let my daughter decide how she feels and what she wants to call her when she starts to understand family dynamics. I feel most comfortable with her being called by her first name.

betha707

I get it, I should look it at from the point of view it's more love for my daughter, but it's so hard! I don't feel warm and fuzzy, lovey dovey toward this woman and I never have. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her watching my daughter at this point because as I said before I have no relationship with her and I hardly know her. That being said she is nice albeit weird as far I'm concerned and I don't cause any rifts :-/ I think if I try to tell her how I feel it would make things worse or at least really awkward

greenbeanqueen

What does your bf think? It's his dad's gf right? It's not like she's trying to replace your mother. If you call grandpa "grandpa" and they are in a serious relationship why can't she be grandma or grandma "her name" or nana or nanny or something. IMO you can't have too many grandmas. And the stroking of baby's face, I don't get what the big deal is...

azmama20

I would honestly let this whole thing go. There's no way you bring it up without looking like an asshole. I do know how you feel though, since DH's stepmom is more of a mother to him than his real mom was, I have a hard time having his mom called grandma.

betha707

Boyfriend isn't bothered by it like I am but it is on my side. He doesn't think other as a mother at all. The stroking the face thing is, maybe that's just my thing, I'm a ftm, it's flu season, and she hasn't had her shots. I just don't want her face being touched, I think all mom' shave their thing, this is mine especially when she was so little.

SusanC111

I get it. When you don't like someone or don't click with them, everything they do is annoying. I can't stand my MIL, so even when she does something nice, it's hard for me to be around her. It's ok to be annoyed, but just move along. You daughter will probably end up calling her something else anyway.

MommyEllenSue

Have you tried to form a relationship with the gf? It sounds like they have been together for awhile and if they are good to each other then maybe it's time to give her a chance. DH's dad died really suddenly 3 years ago and his mom got remarried very fast afterwards. It has been very hard to accept him but he is a great guy and good to my MIL so we are trying. MIL wanted all the kids to call him Grandpa but that didn't go over well. Instead we made up another name for him and he loves it and best of all he loves our kids and they love him!

greenbeanqueen

Boyfriend isn't bothered by it like I am but it is on my side. He doesn't think other as a mother at all. The stroking the face thing is, maybe that's just my thing, I'm a ftm, it's flu season, and she hasn't had her shots. I just don't want her face being touched, I think all mom' shave their thing, this is mine especially when she was so little.

I get it about flu season but she is no more likely to get the flu from being touched than from being held. I vote you just let it go.

Mrbatesisinnocent

betha707 said:

I think all mom' shave their thing, this is mine .

I'm sorry. I'm 12 and this made me laugh. I'm glad there wasn't a pic attached.

betha707

Ha - yes, touché

utlawgirl

I totally get where you're coming from. My dad's wife (they've been married for less time than DH and I have) insists on calling my kids her grandkids. They're not. It drives me crazy. But, honestly, it's a losing battle. There's no way to say anything to her about it and not come off as a big giant jerk, so I just let it go.

notkateanymore

I think you need to let it go. They've been together for a long time in old people world. It's not like she's being an asshole, one more person to love your child isn't a bad thing.

betha707

Ugh, well I guess it's probably best to keep my mouth shut. The whole situation makes me feel very resentful of her though, I hate feeling like I have to hand my baby over to someone who's no more than an acquaintance to me ( I don't even know her last name!) Hopefully I'll feel better about it in time.hanks for all the advice

notkateanymore

betha707 said:

Ugh, well I guess it's probably best to keep my mouth shut. The whole situation makes me feel very resentful of her though, I hate feeling like I have to hand my baby over to someone who's no more than an acquaintance to me ( I don't even know her last name!) Hopefully I'll feel better about it in time.hanks for all the advice

Well, honestly you've had 4 years to learn it...seems like you're trying NOT to get to know her. So it it really her fault?

betha707

KateMW said:

betha707 said:

Ugh, well I guess it's probably best to keep my mouth shut. The whole situation makes me feel very resentful of her though, I hate feeling like I have to hand my baby over to someone who's no more than an acquaintance to me ( I don't even know her last name!) Hopefully I'll feel better about it in time.hanks for all the advice

Well, honestly you've had 4 years to learn it...seems like you're trying NOT to get to know her. So it it really her fault?

Not necessarily, they haven't been living together for 4 years, and neither of us spend any real time with her more than 4-5 times a year. Grandpa is pretty hands off, but we see him more frequently. I have a great relationship with my boyfriends mom, one of her grandmas. I'd feel better about the whole thing if it wasn't being pushed on me. Clearly though I'm a jerk if I push back. It is what it is I guess.

betha707

And before the baby it didn't matter, I'd see her say hi and bye until next time

dmbeatty87

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's possibly not that big of a deal. I agree with pp about people who annoy us, can make any of their actions annoy us even more. In the end people love babies, they get excited and want to feel included. Could be more to your story, but I don't think she's doing anything that bad

Julesfly17

I totally understand- my DH mom remarried and we hardly know the guy- see him maybe 3x a year- anyways I don't see him as my fil, DH doesn't see him as a dad and he's not a grandpa to our kids- he's a nice enough guy, but that doesn't entitle you to grandpa status - anyways- we call him mr. And his first name-- you could call her whatever you want your child to call her and just refer her as that- no need for a conversation but she may continue to refer herself as grandma-- my mil husband will sometimes refer to himself as grandpa and say his grandkids- I don't say anything as I know he means well- but ya I totally understand where you are coming from and hope you find a happy middle-

hjweber

Mrbatesisinnocent said:

I think all mom' shave their thing, this is mine .

I'm sorry. I'm 12 and this made me laugh. I'm glad there wasn't a pic attached.

Dead.  

bjhafner04

Call me crazy, but I don't understand how you have family over and NOT offer people to hold the baby. That's what they are there to see.

swirl25

While I agree that it's best to let it go, I do understand where you are coming from. My FIL's girlfriend of 5 years is referred to by her first name to and by my kids, but her granddaughter calls FIL "Papa". It may be petty, but this bothers both me and DH....mostly because Papa is what DD1 decided to call FIL and my dad, and I feel like his girlfriend encouraged her granddaughter to call FIL that also. Granted, there is a back story and history behind my relationship with his girlfriend which is not good. We are civil and get along OK now, but there was a while when I refused to even go to their home to visit (DH was supportive of me through this). It's a long story that's too complicated to get into, but FIL's girlfriend has some unresolved issues which she typically takes out on him (to be blunt, they have a fairly dysfunctional relationship) and I got into the line of fire. Anyway, point is I don't in any way consider her a grandma to my kids, but she is in FIL's life and I have to respect that. I do get why you feel the way you feel.

betha707

Call me crazy, but I don't understand how you have family over and NOT offer people to hold the baby. That's what they are there to see.

To clarify, we didn't have them over, we went there for Christmas, she was just over a week old if it wasn't for that we wouldn't have been there.

betha707

swirl25 said:

While I agree that it's best to let it go, I do understand where you are coming from. My FIL's girlfriend of 5 years is referred to by her first name to and by my kids, but her granddaughter calls FIL "Papa". It may be petty, but this bothers both me and DH....mostly because Papa is what DD1 decided to call FIL and my dad, and I feel like his girlfriend encouraged her granddaughter to call FIL that also. Granted, there is a back story and history behind my relationship with his girlfriend which is not good. We are civil and get along OK now, but there was a while when I refused to even go to their home to visit (DH was supportive of me through this). It's a long story that's too complicated to get into, but FIL's girlfriend has some unresolved issues which she typically takes out on him (to be blunt, they have a fairly dysfunctional relationship) and I got into the line of fire. Anyway, point is I don't in any way consider her a grandma to my kids, but she is in FIL's life and I have to respect that. I do get why you feel the way you feel.

Thank you, at least a few seem to get it. At this point whatever, I will not be referring to her as grandma, and neither will my boyfriend or my daughter. If she wants to be delusional and call herself grandma, there is not much I can do about it. I just don't understand why she doesn't take the hint and why she can't love my daughter and be who she is, grandpas girlfriend. We always refer to her by her first name. Who knows how it would be if she wasn't so pushy. It feels very forced and it makes me uncomfortable

RanFan28

Mrbatesisinnocent said:

betha707 said:

I think all mom' shave their thing, this is mine .

I'm sorry. I'm 12 and this made me laugh. I'm glad there wasn't a pic attached.

Me too. Lol.

Frannavaldez9399

I'm with OP on this. Hell, I have a hard time when my 14 yo step daughter holds my son. My dad and mom divorced 5ish years ago and he's been with new step mom for 4. Married 1. They live close, 2 hours away. Mom lives 2000 miles away. They live In a small town, very close to her kids and 6 grand kids. All of whom call my father grampa. (12 and under). Well, I'm a Yankee living In MS. Down here they call grandmas mawmaw. I think if she called herself grandma I would stress. But she calls herself mawmaw. We have a really good relationship but she still asks every time if its ok to hold... Or change the baby. (Knowing I am going to say no to changing him. 8 weeks old and myself and the L&D nurses are the only ones who have ever changed him!!!) Long story short,.... I'm with you OP. don't feel bad at all about it.

Kbrittonhart

That's tough but will play devil's advocate because I have experience with both sides. Side 1: if she genuinely loves your bf's father then her love for his immediate family comes naturally (unless given a reason to have bad blood). To her, she isn't overstepping her boundaries because she does consider your daughter to be her granddaughter. My stepbrother did not allow his children to call my mom grandma and told them she was not their grandmother. It hurt her feelings at first but she got over it. As a result, neither party formed a bond and now that they are older (12 years later) they expect my mom to treat them like she treats her grand kids. Not happening!

Side 2: I also understand why you are uncomfortable because I have a stepdad whom I love very much but at times I felt guilty allowing my daughter to call him and my dad grandpa. At the end of the day, I decided that because his love for me and my daughter was true, I would not let my feelings stand in the way of that. I didn't think it was fair to him or her. My daughter loves her papa and her poppy. I am happy I allowed them to build their own relationship.

Trust me, it is already tough being a "step..." and I am sure she knows she is a "step..." without being reminded. You have to decide how much it matters to you or if it is too uncomfortable to bear. If so, have your bf explain it to his dad. If not, let them form their own bond. Don't allow your lack of a bond with the lady to rob your daughter of an opportunity to bond with her. Who knows, your daughter may find her own name and the title "grandma" won't even be mentioned!

lauralye267

I hear you and am in a similar situation. My MIL's husband (my DH's) step father can be a rude sarcastic ass. We never liked him but tolerated him for her sake. When we told them we were pregnant (mind you we are both 30, been together 9 years married for 2) all he could come up with was "explain this" at that point we mentally were over going out of our way to be friendly with him (he refuses to hold our baby) So to get back to the point my MIL has referred to him as Papa, but that's what my DH likes to call himself. It irritates me that she didn't let us know what they want to be called because she has given us a bunch of stuff that says love grandma and Papa (like permanent on gifts). We call him grandpa _______, but honestly I think we will just continue to call him by his first name. If you can't get how to react appropriately to exciting and everyday social situations you get a big Eff you in my book. It's one thing to be odd but to be that rude alllllll the time is my line. Anywho . . . This turned into a rant- sorry! OP I feel your pain lol! It's obnoxious!

VerySurprised

On the flip side of the coin, my father's wife wanted my kids to call her "Mrs. (last name)". Can you imagine? "Ok, kids, let's go see Papa and Mrs. (last name)." 
:-O
It just shows how much love and affection she has for my children and I.
<insert snort, eye-roll, cynical laugh>