what do you like better a baby shower before the baby is born or just after?

Mrs.DeRuysscher

My mother wants to throw me a baby shower that's great I really appreciate it but she wants to throw it after the baby is born so everyone can see/meet the baby. I kinda would rather have it before the baby is born so I could enjoy it and not be worrying about the baby where it is,who's holding it,is it hungry, need a change or sleep, and I also won't be feeling uncomfortable with a diaper of my own as many people say you have to wear for bleeding. I'm not wanting to sound ungrateful that my mom is throwing it just wish she would ask my opion and how I feel instead of just doing what she wants. I have tried asking explaining to her some of my reasons for wanting the shower before mostly I don't want a lot of people holding the baby when its less than a month old and she went are you gonna be one of those moms. Any of my opinions she says that. I'm a ftm I'm gonna have my ways/opions that are different then hers. Sorry didn't mean for this to be long.

jbelle

I'm a traditionalist, and the tradition in my family and circle of friends is to hold showers before the birth, so I voted pre-baby.

That said, my mother is hosting a meet the baby party after the birth, and I'm really looking forward to that, as well, so my pre-baby shower preference is not from any practical reason (having things before baby is born, germ concerns, etc.), purely holding to tradition. (Friends and ILs are hosting pre-baby showers for me.)

If it's not something you're comfortable with, just decline, or talk to your mom about your concerns. At 34 weeks, I'm actually really looking forward to being NOT pregnant at one of "my" baby-related parties and also being able to share the spotlight!

redhead610

I would not have been up for a large party right after my son was born. It was overwhelming enough having a couple different visitors every day. DH and I were exhausted, I was uncomfortable, and I was nursing a large portion of the day. I would decline a shower right after the baby is born, unless she is talking about 4-5 weeks after birth.

VOR

My only advice is to tell your mom 'Thanks, that's sounds great.  However, I won't be ready for that kind of event until the baby is at least 4 weeks old (or however old YOU are comfortable with)".  She pushes back at all?  "If its any earlier, the baby won't be there".

 

Because really- you DO have a say.  You don't have to be adversarial about it - but you can be direct about it.

Her motives are good, but I can still remember taking DS to a party when he was 2 weeks old.  I was so tired, we were still figuring DS out, and while all in all it was "fine" - I also really wouldn't have wanted to do it again, much less have the party be about ME.

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Mrs.DeRuysscher

thanks for the advice she was planning it for mid/to end of august i'm due at the end of july so the baby would be under a month old. she feels its better to have the baby so everyone could see it like a show and tell. I don't think i would be ready for that just after giving birth. I'm hoping to talk to her and hopefully she will change to before or later on after and hopefully she will remember how she was after my brother and i was born and understand my points. I honestly appreciate my mom for wanting to i understand where she is coming from but just hope she will understand and maybe meet in the middle with me as to where i'm coming from.

VOR

Sgreen19 said:

I'm hoping to talk to her and hopefully she will change to before or later on after and hopefully she will remember how she was after my brother and i was born and understand my points. I honestly appreciate my mom for wanting to i understand where she is coming from but just hope she will understand and maybe meet in the middle with me as to where i'm coming from.

I'll say it again- this isn't entirely her choice and it shouldn't be so much about "hopefully she'll ___".  

 

You know your mom.  I don't.  But I always shudder a little when I see so much emphasis on wanting to "explain" and "defend".   It's really not so much about getting her to 'understand'.  It's more about "Mom - I'm going to have just given birth and will have a newborn.  August is too early.  I'd be glad to attend a shower in early July or in mid to late Sept.  Anything other than that - I can't promise that the baby will be there, or how I'll be feeling.".

divinemsbee

I just wanted to add that as a FTM your chance of going over your due date is pretty high. So, if you're due end of July and she's planning a party mid-August, that could mean a 2-week-old that she wants to pass around at a party. That would not happen for me. I hate the whole 'oh, you're going to be one of those moms' comment, it just seems designed to make you second-guess yourself so that your mom gets what she wants. I know you'd like her to understand, but I think I'd go with what PPs have said. Tell her that if she wants to plan a party after the birth and before, I'd even say mid-September, that the baby will not be attending. I know it's hard, and, yes, she's the host so she gets to say when she's hosting, but you also get to say which time is good for you.

cMichelle0423

AbbyMMM said:

I think you should be flexible about what your mom wants to host since she's the one offering.

This... but if she asks for your input I'd recommend doing it before the baby is born. That way you can organize and put things away without having to worry about caring for a newborn at the same time. It's basically just more convenient for you. However if you do wait til after the baby is born, I would ask her to wait until the baby is born to start sending invitations and all that.Just because you could easily go past your due date, and you don't want your baby to be around all those people.

cakergirl

I am a board certified pediatrician. Maybe that makes my opinion more valid than your mother's, maybe it doesn't. But if your mother thinks you should take a 4 week old out of the home into a group of people, she is being selfish, irresponsible, and dangerous to your infant. If your abby catches ANYTHING at the baby shower, and gets a fever, it automatically means your infant is admitted to the local pediatric hospital, has to undergo a spinal tap, bladder cath, and multiple blood tests, was well pas insertion of an IV to receive multiple antibiotics. Any time an infant under the age of 2 months gets a fever above 100.4, this is the STANDARD treatment that ANY pediatrician should/would do- recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics and the Center for Disease Control. Even if you think the fever/illness in the baby is "because grandma just had a cold" or "aunt Evelyn had a stomach bug", under the age of two months you are obligating the baby to this course of treatment even if it is unlikely. And heaven forbid the baby actually catch something terribly dangerous or deadly, that if your mother or any other adult caught it be just a cold or a pneumonia but to a baby would be much worse. This is why most pediatricians would tell you not to take the baby out in public until a minimum of 4 weeks but ideally 2 months of age. I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, preachie, or hateful. But this shouldn't be considered a "I hope my mom changes her mind" thing. Show your mother this post. i suspect if she knew what a big deal it was to expose your baby, she wouldn't hesitate to change her mind and do it much earlier or much later. If she IS okay with the fact that her party could result in all of the above tests I mentioned and putting your baby at risk for dangerous conditions, then you need to put your foot down and either not go, or tell her the bay stays at home and that you'd be happy to bring pictures.

Mrs.DeRuysscher

thank you everyone again for the advise. yes hearing "are you gonna be one of those moms" has defiantly made me second guess myself i'm glad to know that i'm not being unreasonable  about my reasons for worrying about the baby that early.

dufferoo

Can I just say that I LOVE that your reasoning has nothing to do with the fact that you need gifts before the baby is born so you don't have to buy stuff yourself?? Seriously, so refreshing! I guess with regards to your mom, though, I would have just told her you're not comfortable with the meet-the-baby shower, without trying to suggest she should give you a different tyoe of shower instead. That would be up to her to offer on her own.

ArgyleBride

Your mom is making me a little ragey with her pushiness. You are not crazy, you should not feel bad, decline the shower after birth unless it is an amount of time *you* and your baby's *doctors* are okay with--your mom doesn't get a vote on that.  

ebp913

BEFORE.  Let me say that I am not a germaphobe and I consider myself to be pretty laid back. My son got RSV at 3 weeks old and ended up on a ventilator and almost died.  He's fine now but seriously, almost no one is seeing this new baby until 2-3 months old.  For real.  Not happening. No meet the baby parties, no being around other kids for awhile. If you are sick, don't even think about coming to see us.  I'm not going through that again.

I used to be a huge fan of meet the baby parties but now I just get freaked at tiny babies being passed around.  Complete 180 for me.  We took our kids at 1 week old or less shopping with us so I am not some nut here, but after that whole mess with RSV, I'm not playing around anymore.  I would definitely pull the pediatrician card.  

mysticl

I vote before.  I had a c-section.  Didn't plan on one, sure didn't want one, but I had one.  I seriously could not have handled a party when DS was a couple of weeks old.  Between recovering from major surgery and taking care of a newborn I considered showering to be a major accomplishment.  

BC&LM

Before--it's traditional with my family and friends, and by the time the baby is born, I would hope the parents would have already bought everything they really need, except maybe larger sizes of clothes.

BC&LM

mysticl said:

I vote before.  I had a c-section.  Didn't plan on one, sure didn't want one, but I had one.  I seriously could not have handled a party when DS was a couple of weeks old.  Between recovering from major surgery and taking care of a newborn I considered showering to be a major accomplishment.  

This too!

RachieTK

I didn't have a shower (traditional Jewish families do not have them) but my son had a bris a week after he was born. We had a baby nurse, so right after the ceremony she took him into a private room. I didn't want him held and passed around. Even without him in the room, I was stressed. I left the reception to nurse him twice, felt exhausted, and really was wishing I was home in my PJs. I had a lactation appointment that afternoon, so that was on my mind too. Long story short, I'd go with before!

Mrs.DeRuysscher

hi guys thanks for all the advise i tried sitting down and talking with my mom and explain all my concerns and feelings with her. unfortunately she didn't listen nor care to even think about my points of view. she tried to say first people wont come to a baby shower before hand because they think its bad luck and normally they are after which is not true then she tells me i'm over reacting about everything and i said so you would rather me risk my baby and the emotional toll it would put on my and DH if the baby had to be put into icu if it was to get sick and she again just said i was over reacting then she tried to say july is her busy time at work so she wont be able to do it in july. I told her my points and she wouldn't listen but i stood my ground and told her if she wouldn't change it then i would rather her not host the baby shower. I do have my best friend who is pregnant as well due two months after me who has offered to host my baby shower when she gets back in july as she understands exactly how i'm feeling.

I do need to thank all of you very much for all your advice and encouragement to stand up for my beliefs and mine and Dh's decisions. It makes me feel better that i'm not over reacting and not being crazy and that i truly feel i can stand up for myself as this is our child and we will make all decisions and if family members can't accept it then well too bad. I saw how my mother was with my nephew and i am refusing to let her be like that with my child. 

thank you again

ebp913

Sgreen19 said:

hi guys thanks for all the advise i tried sitting down and talking with my mom and explain all my concerns and feelings with her. unfortunately she didn't listen nor care to even think about my points of view. she tried to say first people wont come to a baby shower before hand because they think its bad luck and normally they are after which is not true then she tells me i'm over reacting about everything and i said so you would rather me risk my baby and the emotional toll it would put on my and DH if the baby had to be put into icu if it was to get sick and she again just said i was over reacting then she tried to say july is her busy time at work so she wont be able to do it in july. I told her my points and she wouldn't listen but i stood my ground and told her if she wouldn't change it then i would rather her not host the baby shower. I do have my best friend who is pregnant as well due two months after me who has offered to host my baby shower when she gets back in july as she understands exactly how i'm feeling.

I do need to thank all of you very much for all your advice and encouragement to stand up for my beliefs and mine and Dh's decisions. It makes me feel better that i'm not over reacting and not being crazy and that i truly feel i can stand up for myself as this is our child and we will make all decisions and if family members can't accept it then well too bad. I saw how my mother was with my nephew and i am refusing to let her be like that with my child. 

thank you again

Good for you for standing up for your family!  Your mom sounds like she's going to need many of those talks so it's great you've already started getting her used to fact that you aren't just going along with whatever she wants.  

iqwedding3

It might be too late for this, but why not have a before baby shower and an after "coming out" kind of party?  You wouldn't want schedule the after party until after you've given birth, that way you'd know better what condition you'll be in, how old your baby would be, etc.

chevronseven

I voted before the baby is born. This probably sounds gift grabby, but IMO the point of a shower is to shower the MTB with gifts. I'm not just saying that for myself, I think that should be the case for everyone and I would never go to a shower empty handed. By the time the baby comes, you probably already have everything you need (and probably more), so what would people even bring?

Plus I totally see your point about having to worry about LO the whole time and not being able to enjoy yourself, AND everything I have read says not to let too many people touch baby until after vaccines, which are at 2 months I think.

BUT if she is set on after the birth, just say you'd prefer to wait until you're fully recovered and baby has had his/her first round of shots.