OMG - email from MIL

chardonnay24

I just got an email from MIL to the whole family announcing our pregnancy and planning a celebration dinner for Saturday. We just told them a couple days ago and we told them that we didn't want to share it with anyone else yet. They also know that it wasn't planned and that I am still not happy about it. Why the fuck would I want to go to a celebration dinner for an unplanned pregnancy that I'm not happy about? I called her and said I wasn't planning on attending and she said she thought a party would "pull me out of my funk". My "funk" is actually horrible depression and anxiety, but a party can fix that, right?

FUCK YOU MIL

ETA: I realize I'm probably being overly sensitive, but still, she shouldn't have announced it and planned a celebratory dinner without checking with us first, right?

CinemaGoddess

I vote don't go to the dinner.  

missyishere

Team Don't Go.  Fuck that.  NOPE

LovestheLou

You are not being oversensitive.  It's your news to share, not hers.  I would be so unbelievably pissed.

jackson290721

Holy crap. Team don't go. 

ShakeyJakey

You're not being over sensitive. I would not be sharing any more news about the pregnancy

ShakeyJakey

You're not being over sensitive. I would not be sharing any more news about the pregnancy

Eleventy11

Team Don't Go. I would lose my shit over something like that.

TiffanyBerry

Wow... She was so amazingly out of line.  I say don't go, and send a sad clown telegram in your place.

aglenn

You are not being oversensitive.  She is being completely insensitive and way overstepping, to put it nicely.  I would be furious and would honestly need to step away from her for a while.  Maybe a long, long while.

Breakfast4dinner

I don't think you're being over sensitive. There is some news that is only to be shared by the core people involved...pregnacy falls into that category.

DreadLoc

nope nope nope.  i'd let it be known that you will not be attending (no need to get into details) so any invited guests can have their evening back.

msdrdg

She's kidding.  Right??

Fuck that shit!

theimpossibleastronaut

Wow. Just wow.

Also, she can suck it.

Sorry she did that to you.

ASmallWonder

Team fuck that/don't go and add me to the list of people who want to know what your DH said.

RondackHiker

uconnhuskie007 said:

I mean...fuck no, sure. I'd be pissed. But from the outside looking in I can clearly see she was just trying to be nice.

I don't see anything nice about sharing someone's private news without permission and calling depression a funk.

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RondackHiker

uconnhuskie007 said:

RondackHiker said:

uconnhuskie007 said:

I mean...fuck no, sure. I'd be pissed. But from the outside looking in I can clearly see she was just trying to be nice.

I don't see anything nice about sharing someone's private news without permission and calling depression a funk.

I'm not pretending she was right by any stretch. But what I'm saying is, from my shoes, I feel that it looks like she was trying to nice, by throwing a party in celebration of their good news.



But they told her they didn't want to share. It isn't "nice" to share someone's secret, even to throw a party.

Inviting her and her h over to dinner to celebrate? That could have good intentions even if it missed the mark.

Sharing the news? I can't see how that's nice.

Rach7170

This was not in any way a nice thing to do. It was a selfish way to manipulate a situation for her own gain. She wanted to tell the news and celebrate and she did so with no regard for OP or her DH. OP, you should not give in a go to this party. Fuck that.

DreadLoc

that old school mentality that depression is just a funk is offensive as hell.  maybe MIL is ignorant but she needs to understand that stunts like that aren't cool anymore.  

it would have been less offensive to say "hey, i know you said you've been down, how about i throw you a celebratory party to show how many people are excited for you?!" instead of "i already invited everyone and made plans to get you out of this funk!"

NeneCakies

OP, your feelings are justified. My MIL pulled a similar (but less heinous) stunt at a funeral. Our news was private and very very early yet I was introduced to everyone as her pregnant DIL. You certainly don't have to go to this party but I'm sorry the cat's out of the bag.

missyishere

An attempt at nice after being told they don't want to tell anyone else would be to kindly congratulate them and not tell anyone else. Throwing a big party to let everyone know is kind of the opposite of that, sooo...

RondackHiker

uconnhuskie007 said:

operative word for those who missed it: MISGUIDED. ya, I agree it was a fucked up thing to do. in no way is OP over reacting. all im saying is it sounds like her MIL was trying to be nice in her attempt, because she obviously isn't cut from the same cloth and doesn't "get" where OP is coming from. never once did I pretent OP's feelings weren't justified (FTR OP, I do think they are.)

I saw the word misguided. I don't see how anyone, no matter how clueless and misguided, could think sharing private news against someone else's will is nice.

DreadLoc

misguided, misunderstood, overexcited, nobody gives a shit.  people have gotten away with this shit for so long in the past because folks like OP were too polite to do/say anything.  

times are changing MIL, manipulating (intentional or not) under the guise of being "nice" isn't going to fly under the radar.

ASmallWonder

uconnhuskie007 said:

operative word for those who missed it: MISGUIDED. ya, I agree it was a fucked up thing to do. in no way is OP over reacting. all im saying is it sounds like her MIL was trying to be nice in her attempt, because she obviously isn't cut from the same cloth and doesn't "get" where OP is coming from. never once did I pretent OP's feelings weren't justified (FTR OP, I do think they are.)

No, people saw that you said misguided but that's an inaccurate description of what she did.  I don't think there's any reason to think the MIL did this truly and genuinely thought this was a nice thing that went wrong.  Unless she's a fucking idiot.  Whoever said she was excited to brag on getting a new grandbaby hit the nail on the head.  If she was truly just trying to cheer up the OP, she would have offered to take her for a pedi or out to dinner - not announce her secret and emotionally fraught new pregnancy to people after flat out being told not to.

ASmallWonder

uconnhuskie007 said:

Rach7170 said:

This was not in any way a nice thing to do. It was a selfish way to manipulate a situation for her own gain. She wanted to tell the news and celebrate and she did so with no regard for OP or her DH. OP, you should not give in a go to this party. Fuck that.

who the fuck are "we" do decide the MIL did this for her own gain????? and why is the immediate reaction to assume that everyone is an asshole? why is it so impossible to assume that MIL really is so misguided that she thought this would "help"??

Because in what universe is is considered kind and helpful to spill an emotional secret you've been told not to share?  What positive motive is there to betray someone's trust?  Unless she is deaf and/or completely lacking in comprehension, there is zero excuse here except that she wanted to do it.

ASmallWonder

I keep trying to come up with an example....unconn - how would you feel if you were giving birth and you had told your MIL you didn't want anyone in the room and she barged in while you were pushing and took pictures and ran to the waiting room to show your very personal moment to the whole family, thinking you'd be thankful for the memories.  Would you feel that was misguided or blatant disrespect?

DreadLoc

discounting feelings in any way, shape, or form is fucked the fuck up.  it shows how selfish that person is, regardless of intention.

missyishere

Omg, the overuse of quotation marks is a pet peeve of mine.

DreadLoc

lol you just said that she's trying to be "nice" because she isn't "maliciously" discounting her feelings.  all i'm saying is that regardless of the intent, discounting feelings (and ion the OP's case, specific requests) is fucked up.  

are you defending MIL or are you understanding why people are offended by her actions that the OP described?

Maebb

OP, sorry your MIL did that. I would probably get my H to confront her about it and let her know that you don't want a party and aren't ready to celebrate yet. Maybe you could recommend that she save the party money and instead perhaps give you meal gift cards for when the baby comes, pay for a cleaning service, or something else that would make your life easier.

You are completely justified to be upset. That was not her news to share.

ASmallWonder

uconnhuskie007 said:

I'm not defending her MIL, or trying to, and I can understand why people including OP would be offended by her position . But I'm playing devil's advocate here, because I can understand where her MIL is coming from. My own mom is bat shit crazy, and instead of choosing to think she's plain "bad" I've found comfort in understanding that she's cut from a different cloth and doesn't understand and comprehend things the way I do, and the way my generation does. I can identify with OP and her MIL this way, and am just raising these points so she doesn't feel totally isolated by her MIL. That, and I'm projecting, which is a given.

I've got a batshit crazy mother as well so I feel you on that.  There are times when you can say "she doesn't think like we do" and maybe forgive it, no sane person of any generation hears "This is a secret.  Tell no one" and thinks "I think I'll tell people!"  I mean, a person who does literally would have mental problems, seriously, not sarcastically.

NotSharknado

I think if we say the sky is blue, Unconn will say its purple.

DreadLoc

hell, my own mother shared my pregnancy news with her sister and that's it.  did i feel my trust in her was violated?  yes, because i specifically asked her not to share it with anyone.  did i let it be know it was a fucked up move?  yes, i did.  will i share private info with her ever again?  nope, she fucked up.  

do i hate her?  nope.  do i think she's evil?  nope.  but again, will i tell her sensitive information that i don't want going to anyone else?  nope.

i'm not advocating MIL be burned at the stake but she needs to understand that her actions were unacceptable.   i don't give a fuck what generation she grew up in, times have changed.  she's a grown woman, she still can learn instead of us being (ridiculously) polite and brushing her actions under the table under the guise of "being cut from a different cloth"  cloth can be cut or sewn on again to fit where it needs to be.  

chardonnay24

Sorry, we were hosting a play date! Okay, where to start...

My MIL does not know the full extent of my depression, but she does know enough details of our life right now (mostly with our son's delays/challenging behavior/autism eval) to know that this pregnancy is not necessarily coming at a good time or being celebrated by us right now. Funny that @elmoali mentioned a person barging into a delivery room uninvited because she did that. She has always been a very selfish person, she viewed our son's birth as something she had every right to be present for because it was "her grandbaby" just as much as it was "our baby". The next day, I was attempted to nurse and she brought 5 of her dearest friends into my room, without checking, to meet "her new grandbaby".  I asked her to give me a moment and she said she had as much right to be there as anybody.

We have had a rocky relationship since I was pregnant, since she thought it was her right to have a say in how we were planning on raising him. She was insulted, and wrote a letter to my husband demanding that he "put his foot down" because my heathen ways were concerning to her (we had previously discussed my desire to BF, CD, not circumcise, and give kiddo both our last names). She thinks it's her right to be involved in every part of his life, every decision that we make, because she is the matriarch of the family.

So I have no doubt that she thought of this as her news to share, without respect for our feelings. We are not going, and I'm still debating whether or not we should tell her the reason, or just say something like, "Sorry! I wish you would have checked on the date before planning a party in our honor because we already have plans!" or something like that. Honestly, I don't think her behavior will ever change and like @uconnhuskie007 said, I think she DID think she was being nice. She just selfishly thought only about her own feelings on the pregnancy, without considering anyone else. I think it's stupidity more than maliciousness, but I truly think her thought process went, "I like parties. Parties cheer me up. Chardonnay is unhappy. Let's have a party! And also I will tell everyone because I'm going to be a grandma again, I'm so excited! Wheee!"

NotSharknado

uconnhuskie007 said:

FB is blowing up about what a disagreeable bitch I am right now, isn't it?

Yes. We formed a secret FB group titled "Unconn is a bitch". You're exactly right.

NotSharknado

THE JIG IS UP!! #someonethinkshighlyofthemself

Monkeybabe

uconnhuskie007 said:

FB is blowing up about what a disagreeable bitch I am right now, isn't it?

People seem to be being very upfront with what they think of what you're saying right here. *not on FB with Parenting*

Sorry, OP, I'd be very upset if my MIL disrespected me in that manner, and I'd refuse to go to the party. I hope your H says something to her about this.

DreadLoc

i hope she has a full and loving relationship with her MIL in the future.  rather than OP deal with an ignorant POV that just makes her feel terrible and horrible for years on end, wouldn't it be more productive to enlighten MIL about how serious the situation is?  it won't be easy and feelings may be hurt on both sides for the time being, but ultimately of MIL needs a kick in the arse to understand to the fact that the world doesn't revolve around her and things have changed. it can vastly improve the relationship she has with her DIL if she's willing.

that's all i'm trying to say here.  

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chardonnay24

DreadLoc said:

i hope she has a full and loving relationship with her MIL in the future.  rather than OP deal with an ignorant POV that just makes her feel terrible and horrible for years on end, wouldn't it be more productive to enlighten MIL about how serious the situation is?  it won't be easy and feelings may be hurt on both sides for the time being, but ultimately of MIL needs a kick in the arse to understand to the fact that the world doesn't revolve around her and things have changed. it can vastly improve the relationship she has with her DIL if she's willing.

that's all i'm trying to say here.  

This woman once sold her friends gardening items off our deck when we were having a garage sale and didn't see how wrong that was. She's either really stupid or really selfish or both. I thought about telling her that it's more than a "funk", that I'm taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and just trying really hard to get through each day, but I honestly don't think it'll make a difference.