Baby effecting marriage

Caitlinh27

I know I can't be the only one dealing with this, yet I feel so alone.
I always figured a baby would bring my husband and I closer together (that is not the reason I wanted to get pregnant) but that is not what is happening.
I just feel like at this point were are more of "house mates" rather than a couple. I don't feel like we are connecting.
If any of you ladies are dealing with this can you share anything that you have found to help out the situation.. Or even just share what your going through.
Thanks for listening/sharing!

myeverything1203

Yes I definitely feel the same. Sometimes it feels like we never kiss and are never romantic like we used to be. ( sorry I don't have any advice for you...This is our first child so idk if this is normal or not. What sucks is he is leaving on deployment soon and I want my DD and I to spend as much time with him as possible wish I could be more of help.....sorry. hopefully it gets better it has to

Caitlinh27

myeverything1203 said:

Yes I definitely feel the same. Sometimes it feels like we never kiss and are never romantic like we used to be. ( sorry I don't have any advice for you...This is our first child so idk if this is normal or not. What sucks is he is leaving on deployment soon and I want my DD and I to spend as much time with him as possible wish I could be more of help.....sorry. hopefully it gets better it has to

I'm sorry he has to leave soon   I'm sure that's some added stress.

We are definitely not as romantic as we used to be either, but I know a good deal of that is my fault.  I'm just so exhausted and I don't think he fully understands that.  LO takes up all of my time and energy and unfortunately that doesn't leave any for DH.

I hope it gets better for you soon!  Thanks for sharing!

samiaf

Yes, you are normal.  It will get better with time.  Just make an effort to give a hug or a kiss and share that you miss that special togetherness.  He likely feels the same, but doesn't know how to change it either.  It is hard if he's leaving because your time is limited, so I think it would be even more important to tell him that you wish it was different.  

myeverything1203

Caitlinh27 said:

myeverything1203 said:

Yes I definitely feel the same. Sometimes it feels like we never kiss and are never romantic like we used to be. ( sorry I don't have any advice for you...This is our first child so idk if this is normal or not. What sucks is he is leaving on deployment soon and I want my DD and I to spend as much time with him as possible wish I could be more of help.....sorry. hopefully it gets better it has to

I'm sorry he has to leave soon   I'm sure that's some added stress.

We are definitely not as romantic as we used to be either, but I know a good deal of that is my fault.  I'm just so exhausted and I don't think he fully understands that.  LO takes up all of my time and energy and unfortunately that doesn't leave any for DH.

I hope it gets better for you soon!  Thanks for sharing!

Same here sometimes...When we do have energy we have to take her with us where ever we go. I definitely don't mind Bc I love my baby to peices but Idk the nxt time we will have alone time. She has definitely taken all my time and I enjoy it especially when DH isn't home but I think he has kinda excepted it she is my baby and I love her more than anything but I think we have both excepted it's part of having a child. when he is home we do try to make time for just the both of us..even if we are just at the house.

bty19

We have a 6wk old...."romance" is far from our minds lol.
But little things go along way. We kiss ,hold hands or snuggle on the couch while watching tv (even if it's 5 minutes) , lots of I love yous..... you just have to remember to still do these things .

I'll never forget reading about becoming a parent years ago and it was saying how the most "important" person in your life needs to be your partner. Not letting your marriage/relationship take second place over kids... Your child you will love unconditionally and forever the moment they are born , no matter what , so you should put your relationship first as it will need to be worked on.
Some may not like that theory but I'll never forget it.....

Jenniferomeo

Yep were feeling pretty disconnected right now. We've been together 10 years this month so we had a really strong relationship before lo arrived, but I'm finding myself thinking throughout the day "huh I don't think we've kissed or even hugged each other yet." It's sad because we've always been very affectionate. I just keep telling myself that it will get better. I also find myself mad at him a lot and resenting him because of the way he takes care (or lack of) of lo. He's very lazy and tries to be lazy with lo still and it pisses me off and I have to scold him when I shouldn't have to because he knows what he's doing is wrong! He joked with me while I was pregnant that he read something like 70% of marriages that end in divorce are because of the children. He mentions this sometimes now that he understands why. Well I understand now why some wives murder their husbands!
Anyways, as for words of encouragement, make date nights and date days if you can. We've had a few so far and it's so nice getting to do adult things once in a while alone. We dropped him off at my grandparents the other day just to run around and do our errands. I hope things get better for you.

swirl25

Yeah, same here. I feel there is more of a disconnect this time around than the first -- probably because there is even more responsibility when you already have one, and even less time to focus on the two of you. Sadly I have had moments when I realize we haven't kissed in days. Fortunately we both recognize what is happening and know that this adaptation period is temporary, and are slowly taking steps to rectify things. Getting cleared for sex will help (although I'm not sure when it will actually happen!), planning date nights when we can get a sitter and taking time to spend even a little time just us each day, even if it's watching our favorite show together. The intimacy will come back, it will just take some time and effort on both our parts.

imrachellea

I second the PP to make sure your husband is the most important person as love for your child is a mother's natural instinct. A child needs their family unit, whatever that may look like, to stay intact. It is much harder to parent when your normal relationships are bad, negative, or failing.

For us, this is one reason why LO is bottle fed at night. I told DH it is important for me that we go to bed together. Right now with LO in our room, and so far a 100% track record of her bedtime routine, we can do that with a bottle since she's a lazy nurser. DH and I go to bed at the same time, cuddle, and follow our mantra of "always kiss me goodnight".

bty19

^ always a kiss and I love you at night. Every single night.

lp0

My girlfriend struggled tremendously in her marriage after having her daughter. She told me that it felt like they were roommates sharing information about their DD. They hadn't had sex in like a year because she had so much damage after L&D (4th degree tear).

It got really bad and she discovered he started going to strip clubs while he was supposed to be working OT. Then it got even worst after she found him talking with a woman he met at the bar. The woman had no idea he was married or had a baby. Nothing happened between them but the intent was bad enough and she kicked him out. Luckily after counseling they were able to repair their marriage but she says it will never be them same.

It was shocking because it was so uncharacteristic of him (though he had also started popping pills too). She had warned me before having DS to make sure we made time to be a couple without DS. It's important to maintain that foundation of who we were. DH and I are not super affectionate anymore (we're celebrating 15 years together this year so it's calmed down) but I make sure to do little things like give him a big hug and kiss when he gets home from work.

(Sorry that was long)

amberpro

After DS1 was born, DH and I ended up in a rough place. We weren't communicating and when we did, it was angry and ineffective. He felt neglected and I was resentful. It seriously almost led to divorce more than once that first year.

Out marriage counselor told us studies have shown that the first 6 months after his first child is born is the loneliest time in a man's life. It takes a ridiculous effort to give YH attention through the exhaustion and frustration, but for us, the more love and attention I give DH, the more he helps and becomes understanding as to what I'm going through with a NB.

Our marriage is now very strong. With this one, I've made a conscious effort to give him more attention and we've already had a few dates. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

aundrea1225

Its definitely taking a toll on my marriage. He gets pretty frustrated that I don't make more time for intimacy. He doesn't understand how exhausted I am all the time, no matter what way I put it. We bicker a lot more now. And last night he did something stupid so now I'm giving him the silent treatment until I cool off. Its difficult and we're still finding what works. We've only been married one year.

FutureMrsCaesar

Yes, unfortunately (or fortunately) it is normal to feel that way.  Each time we've had a new baby we've gone through a period of disconnection in our marriage.  DH feels it and hates it just as much as I do and for us it has gotten better each time, but it does take time and effort.  Like others have said, be the one to give him an extra hug or kiss here or there.  Or DH and I always hold hands when we lay on the couch at night because that's about all we have energy for but it at least shows each other 'hey I'm here, I still love you.'  Odds are that you are sleep deprived, stressed over a crying baby or 'am I doing this right?' and it puts you on edge. DHs like to try and fix things for us, but a baby isn't something you can fix, so I think they struggle with that sometimes.  We also all have different expectations of what our SO should be doing in regards to  the baby, chores, work, etc and when those go unspoken and unmet it causes a lot of stress in the marriage.

...these were just a couple of observations from the past 5 years of my marriage, and there is no quick over night fix, but if you keep working at it odds are good that it will get better.  hang in there!

Caitlinh27

aundrea1225 said:

Its definitely taking a toll on my marriage. He gets pretty frustrated that I don't make more time for intimacy. He doesn't understand how exhausted I am all the time, no matter what way I put it. We bicker a lot more now. And last night he did something stupid so now I'm giving him the silent treatment until I cool off. Its difficult and we're still finding what works. We've only been married one year.

This is exactly us. The intimacy thing is huge for him. I got cleared for sex on Friday but that hardly matters to me because I couldn't be less interested. I have also noticed that I don't kiss or hug him anymore unless he asks for it. I don't really know when this started happening
We have only been married a year and a half.
We haven't had a date night without LO yet. We have our first one planned for valentines day but that seems forever away now.

Caitlinh27

Thank you ladies for sharing. It really does help to hear what works for you guys and to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

greenbeanqueen

I'm a ftm and dh and I are ok, so I'm not speaking from experience with having problems but what has helped me to make sure I give dh the needed attention is that I try to remember that I'll have my kids for 18 years but hopefully I'll have my dh much longer than that. He and I still want to be as good of friends and as much in love once our kids are gone because we will be all we've got at home again one day. If I lose that friendship and love then life after kids won't be so great.

Just remember it's a learning process for everyone and that any relationship worth having is worth working for. Dh and I have been together for 8 years and have grown up a lot together. If we hadn't worked for it we wouldn't be together today and dd wouldn't be here either.

Eta: wording

stacers33

We went through this with our first. Everything is so new and unknown and as a mom your first instinct/responsibility/thought is of your child first. Now that the LOs are getting a little older, my suggestion is to go out to dinner (or breakfast or lunch depending on what works best) just the two of you. Initiate some action at home. Try to surprise them with a special meal or something. Our DHs are used to them being our first "everything" that now that LO is here it is an adjustment for them not only with LO but also with our focus on baby first/mom mode.

It gets better, you just have to start the ball rolling sometimes to show DH what you both still have together.

mrsseguin

We've been through this in our marriage as well.  It's tough, but things do get better.  DH and I got into a big fight last night, I'm still pissed at the things he said to me.  You definitely aren't alone.  The baby is a lot of work...it's hard to be the wife you were before kids once the kids come along.  It just takes time to adjust.

sportsmomma

The only additional thing I can add is to overtly tell DH what you need. With our first I'd just bottle up my fears, frustrations, wants and needs and be disappointed he wasn't doing them/figuring it out on his own. Now I just tell him and it's still tough but makes a difference. I've asked him to do the same too.

lisab613

I feel this too sometimes. We try to have regular conversation for at least a few minutes a day (not about baby). We also plan to have at least one date night a month.

PamMcManus

I feel this way at times. It's so hard to make time for intimacy when you have a screaming baby. I think DH feels neglected at times but I am trying harder to spend time with him and show affection. We try to have a date night every few weekends but I honestly hate leaving my baby.

monkeybutt61612

This is our second, and I think the thing that keeps us strong is finally having sex again and communicating about dverything - especially non baby stuff. We talk like we used to when we first started dating.

mamaj1220

DF and I went through this the first week K was home because it was all about baby and he is used to it all being about him with me. What helped us was I told him what I needed and wanted in order to feel like I had support from him and in turn the stress came off of both of us and now we are closer and stronger then ever.

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Caitlinh27

BlueCards said:

The only additional thing I can add is to overtly tell DH what you need. With our first I'd just bottle up my fears, frustrations, wants and needs and be disappointed he wasn't doing them/figuring it out on his own. Now I just tell him and it's still tough but makes a difference. I've asked him to do the same too.

I im really bad at bottling up my feelings. I just feel like I shouldn't have to ask him to do certain things, so I don't and then I become so frustrated.

HerbanMom

Totally normal! Having children is a huge change in the dynamics of a relationship, especially the first child when you are used to it being only two. These little people are exhausting work! Add jobs, bills and other daily stresses and it can be really difficult to have time or energy to focus on the two of you. But you need to find it, and it will be easier as LO gets older. SO and I try to take an hour or so a couple times a week and just go sit on the patio and drink a beer or two or share a bottle of wine and just talk about our days. We are super exhausted some days but we still try to find the energy to have sex or atleast cuddle and kiss eachother goodnight because it makes the world of difference in feeling connected to eachother.

I wouldn't worry too much, but do try to make an effort to be more affectionate or have non-baby related conversation. You'll be really surprised when he reciprocates and will initiate affection and conversation. I'm sure he feels exactly as you do.

Red_Dahlia

swirl25 said:

Yeah, same here. I feel there is more of a disconnect this time around than the first -- probably because there is even more responsibility when you already have one, and even less time to focus on the two of you. Sadly I have had moments when I realize we haven't kissed in days. Fortunately we both recognize what is happening and know that this adaptation period is temporary, and are slowly taking steps to rectify things. Getting cleared for sex will help (although I'm not sure when it will actually happen!), planning date nights when we can get a sitter and taking time to spend even a little time just us each day, even if it's watching our favorite show together. The intimacy will come back, it will just take some time and effort on both our parts.

This! I feel like it is even worse with the second child, because we are one on one with each kid now. I'm feeding DS, while he gives DD a bath, etc. It will pass though, OP! We make sure to have dinner together as a family each night. I'm not good about always saying/kissing goodnight and I need to be better about that. In our parenting class we took before DD, the teacher told us DON'T make any decisions about how happy you are in your marriage, separating, etc the first year, unless someone is in danger, etc. It is so hard, but it gets better! The pp that said the first 6 months after the birth of a child is the loneliest time in a mans life, yeesh, that makes me feel bad! I do need to pay more attention to DH.

SkiHorse

Like a couple of people have mentioned, it seems to get worse with the second child.  When DS1 was born, we shared the novelty and excitement.  Now, although we're very happy to have DS2, I think we both feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  DS1 is acting out and hard to handle; the infant has immediate needs; and it's so much harder (so far) to handle them both that we're having a lot more trouble making any time for our individual interests and shared pastimes (exercise, sports, watching movies, etc).  We want to plan a vacation for when DS2 is about 6 months old because that was a great time to go, in our experience with DS1, but it's hard to imagine what would work well with the two of them (3 years apart).  I think we need a parenting class to deal with our preschooler, some better communication, and a real effort to rekindle romance and affection on a regular basis.

Danicali

imrachellea said:

DH and I go to bed at the same time, cuddle, and follow our mantra of "always kiss me goodnight".

I love this. When I was pregnant I put a decorative sign with that above our bed and told my husband we had to follow it even if we were so exhausted or frustrated with each other, because it's important! It definitely takes more effort now to remember to kiss,hug or tell each other how we are feeling because we are trying to adjust, but totally worth it.

Kbrittonhart

DH make everything a joint effort and do whatever we can together... We always kiss good morning, we cuddle ehile watching tv, we take walks eith the kids in the evenings, we interact with the kids together, we we always go to bed at the same time, we eat dinner together, we shower together, we talk for at least 30 minutes before falling asleep... I still text him even if he is in the house and we talk on the phone at least once during the work day. Date night at least once per month is mandatory. Just anything you can fit in to do together is important.

The key to it all is to acknoeledge it eith your partner and talk about it. He may be able to suggest some ways to connect. If that doesn't help, read a couple of marriage improvement books or get counseling.

JessiUF

The first year of my daughters life was for sure the toughest in my 10 year relationship with DH.  Once you are both sleeping more, things will get better.

hjweber

Caitlinh27 said:

The only additional thing I can add is to overtly tell DH what you need. With our first I'd just bottle up my fears, frustrations, wants and needs and be disappointed he wasn't doing them/figuring it out on his own. Now I just tell him and it's still tough but makes a difference. I've asked him to do the same too.

I im really bad at bottling up my feelings. I just feel like I shouldn't have to ask him to do certain things, so I don't and then I become so frustrated.

Exactly this.  I'm the same way but marriage counseling has taught me that you can't expect your partner to read your mind.  You just can't.  No matter how long you've been together or how 'connected' you are; your partner is not a mind reader.  You have to speak up and communicate.  I still have to remind myself this.  Not asking for what you want and keeping quiet waiting to see if your partner will do it, is setting them up for failure.  And that isn't fair to either partner.  

This is baby #2 for us and we've been going through some issues since before the pregnancy.  We had some issues after DD1 was born and it took about a year to feel normal again (but still different, always will be different).  We're still working on things to this day and having a newborn in the house again is definitely a challenge.