Saying no

billybumbler

How do you deal with toddler rebellion? When I say no DD cries. I started to ignore her for a few minutes when she does this, but DH tries to talk to her or distract her. I feel this doesn't work and that it's better not to give her attention when she tries to get it negatively. What do you think?

Jenner37

Pretty much what she said ^

Gargita

I let H cry for a little while, then he usually wants to hug me, so we hug it out. I think I might be too soft.

billybumbler

Like @pobrecita I try to avoid saying no, I mostly let her play in a babyproofed room so I only have to say no when she tries to do something dangerous or when she hits me. Unlike your LO @gargita when she gets upset she doesn't want to touch anybody! But when she calms down and wants affection I'll gladly hug and kiss her. I'm gonna talk to my husband and see if he agrees with the ignoring.

jg1011

I actually just had this discussion with pedi. If I don't give him something he wants, say no, or redirect him he has a full on tantrum. Pedi suggested walking away. Said it would last a bit and then he would come looking for me. Said reasoning with a 15 month old wont work. Timeouts were not suggested till 2. 

Tried it a few times. For most part it worked, but Mr. One Track Mind often goes right back for whatever it was that started the meltdown.  

winecastle14

@gargita same here. Especially when she bites me when nursing. She gets so upset and hugs me. I can't help but hug her back.

As for the OP's question. I say no a decent amount because she responds pretty well to it. I try to avoid saying it, but sometimes it just comes out. I also say "ouch" if she is doing something that could hurt her. I redirect first, but if she keeps doing something then I say no.

kerrigrooves

I try and say no when its dangerous as well...like the oven or fireplace or stairs.  But then I try and explain why.  LO cries too and then wants to hug and its just so darn cute...I usually hold her arm firmly for 10-15 sec and then we hug.

maven212

I'm so not the person to give advice on this matter (since I have fresh scratch marks on my neck) - but I now reserve "no" for very serious business (i.e. scratching) and the response I get is often a complete flip out....but she might be primed for a flip out anyway, since I'm saying "no" as she is already reaching for my face.

Now, the scratch attacks are not as bad as they have been, so I'm thinking this other thing I've been trying is working - but I've started to grab her hands, say "no" and then go on to explain why I'm saying 'no'. The explanation is preceded by me saying "listen, listen, listen. I'm going to explain this to you". For whatever reason, the last two days that has calmed her down very quickly. So I guess I'm using a combo of "no"/explanation for serious stuff (scratching, oven etc.) and "we don't do that" "don't do that" "let's do something else" and bait and switch for everything else.

I recently heard a summary of a study that tried to characterize baby concepts of "no" and sought correlations between certain types of "no" expressed by babies and their environment. What that study found was that a) baby's between 6 - 12 mos generally lump "no"/head shaking into two  categories "don't do that to me" and a broader concept of "that isn't so/that isn't logical" and b) that babies who are told "no" often not only say the word/shake their head more often, but specifically tend towards the "don't do that to me" meaning. The same was found for babies given the same limitations but hearing the word "no" less frequently. Babies given fewer limitations were more likely to say "no" in the context of "that isn't logical" and, overall, said "no" much less often.

I don't really know what it means in the grand scheme, but it struck me as interesting.

Gargita

@maven212, that IS interesting.

jbrinkwo

@Gargita - I think I heard it on CBC's Ideas podcast....maybe in December....possibly earlier. I'm on the site trying to find it. I keep running into an episode called "The Hurried Infant" which takes about Baby Einstein and the increased pressure on parents to have teach their kids how to read super early etc.....which sounds like an interesting episode, but I don't think it is the one with the "no" study. 

For anyone who needs a new podcast, Ideas is a great series. "Best of Ideas" is a handpicked selection of really interesting episode and a nice intro. to the podcast.