WWYD: Caretaker Question and a Vent

Dannysmama

We are in a nanny share with another family whose baby is around the same age as DS.  The other baby (OB – making up an acronym) was super fussy for the longest time and would cry for basically no reason.  Since OB has started crawling, the fussing has stopped.  I think, because DS has been a really easy baby, the nanny developed more of an affection toward him (I’m not just saying that as his mother).  She’ll do things such as if the OB is fussing, ignore him for a little bit and focus on DS instead.  Granted, I understand that because babies fuss for no reason sometimes.  The other day, I came home and OB was sleeping and she was upstairs sitting with DS.  I took the dog out and came back and OB was crying downstairs and I had to first point out that OB was crying, and then take DS from her to get her to go downstairs.  I think she speaks in harsher tones to the OB and is less patient, but I could be wrong.  I really like the other mom, would consider her a mom-friend, but I also know that they are very happy with the care their baby gets and they really like our nanny.  Maybe it’s just in my head.  Would you say something?  What would you say?  In the past, issues I've had, they've said they were fine with, so it makes me a little gun-shy to bring things up because they are happy with the care.  I’m the one that has seen it, but what would you say to correct it?  “Stop loving my kid more?”

 

Sigh… I’m just looking forward to the day when we can hire our own nanny or have my mom watch him, because there are a few things I’d change, but we’re really kind of stuck.  Like – it’s my damn baby and I’ve been away from him all day.  Hand him over to me and don’t make me stand there for 10 minutes until it just gets awkward and I have to ask to pick him up from you.  Let me say goodbye when I leave and don’t say “bye bye mama.”  And when I come down to see him, let me pick him up.  Don’t call him over and break my heart because he comes over to you and not me.  Ugh.  I hate this sometimes.  We should be so lucky she loves him so much, but it just hurts like a mofo sometimes.

Dannysmama

Yep :-(.  

Generally bad week and just needed to get it out.  Add in DS having a terrible allergic reaction to sesame, overload of work, and lack of sleep, and everything gets hard and seems bad.  

Thanks for snapping me back to reality.  Sometimes these things just wear ya down ... 

draeray

Dannysmama said:

<?xml:namespace prefix = o /> 

Sigh… I’m just looking forward to the day when we can hire our own nanny or have my mom watch him, because there are a few things I’d change, but we’re really kind of stuck.  Like – it’s my damn baby and I’ve been away from him all day.  Hand him over to me and don’t make me stand there for 10 minutes until it just gets awkward and I have to ask to pick him up from you.  Let me say goodbye when I leave and don’t say “bye bye mama.”  And when I come down to see him, let me pick him up.  Don’t call him over and break my heart because he comes over to you and not me.  Ugh.  I hate this sometimes.  We should be so lucky she loves him so much, but it just hurts like a mofo sometimes.

I can relate to this. My MIL watches my son for us- paid of course. I feel like I could have written this portion of your post myself. She doesn't go home right away after I get home so I have to fight for my son. He will go to her more often than not because he spends 12 hours a day with her and I get him for 3 hours before he goes to bed.

I wish that it wasn't this way, but it doesn't get any better when you have a family member watch them either.

Dannysmama

Sigh ... logically I tell myself that its good he loves more than just DH and I.  I guess I just miss the days I'd come home and he'd crawl over to me full-speed ahead and I'll selfishly always want to feel like he loves me the most.    

Although ... the only thing he goes to like a laser these days are the outlet covers.  He'll ignore us all when he sees one since he's into the taking apart and pulling out of things lately, so I guess we all rank below plastic junk.  :-) 

jesuisfatiguee

I see things like this happen at the DC center I take DS to. Caregivers seeming to give slight favoritism to some, and ignoring others crying occasionally if they're not hysterical. It hurts my heart, especially when it's a really tiny baby who is crying, but I don't say anything. They have a lot of babies to care for, and can only hold one at a time. 

jbatch

DC2London said:

Is it possible she is giving your DS a little extra love and attention when you are present bc she wants to make sure that you see how much she cares for him? Maybe she feels it necessary to fuss over him a little extra in your presence so that you feel confident that he is getting enough attention.

This was my first thought as well. I honestly would not say anything to the other child's mother. I think that could cause more problems that it would help.

Dannysmama

@dc2london and @jbatch - thinking about it, it makes a lot of sense, and I just hadn't thought of that.  Thank you for the perspective.  And, you know, I bet if I observed pick up time, I'd see our nanny doting on the OB too.  Thank you all.  I just needed to snap out of my funk, and this really helped.

carriesu2003

I was part of a nanny share and my baby was the more challenging one.  I would be really upset if the sitter treated my kid with less love and affection than the other baby.  With that said, it seems like your real issue is jealousy over the sitter.  I totally understand this, my daughter loves our sitter but fortunately she is very aware of not crowding me out.  If it really bothers you then say something to the sitter. If she calls her over when you're there say "ughh that just broke my heart in two." So she realizes how emotional you are about it.