Loving/Lazy Husband...

bridie926

Hi all! FTM and first time posting. We are 18 weeks this week, and for some reason, my hormones seem to be a-raging this week. Was craving donuts at 8:30 last night, but was way too exhausted to go get them. I kept dropping hints to the husband that they sounded so good. But no major reaction.

Finally, he asked me if I was going to go get the donuts (clearly, he did not want to go get anything). Then he followed up by saying, "If you were going to get some, I was going to see if you could run to Arby's and get me dinner."

Mind you, this isn't the first time this has happened. 99% of the trips made to get food are done by me because he never feels like going.

You guys, I know my husband loves me. He's my best friend, he is very kind and so funny, and he's so excited to be a dad. And I'm seriously not trying to be and/or sound needy. But this also isn't the first time this has happened. I hear stories of women making their husbands go get them food late at night when pregnant. But it seems to me they all have husbands willing to do it for them. I never want to be "that" wife to force my husband to do anything he doesn't want or feel like doing, but at the same time, is it unreasonable for me to think he would just offer to go out and get food? Especially if he's hungry too?

I feel like maybe I'm overreacting. But you hear all of these stories about how amazing these people's husbands were when they were expecting. And it just makes me think dark things like, "Well, he probably doesn't think I'm worth the extra effort" or "He probably thinks I'm exaggerating and I'm just crazy." And I know a lot of this is extreme hormones. I guess more than anything, I just need to hear the truth from other moms and moms-to-be.

If you read all of that, lol, thanks for listening

ThereBeDragons

Well, I'm on bed rest and incapable of going out myself to acquire whatever craving I have.

DH has not taken this as a sign that he is my personal food taxi. Which is sad in an abstract sense- but totally reasonable.

Honestly, even before baby DH was much less likely to go out on his own to acquire fast food/groceries than I was. He is content to eat what we have at home or just not eat if he isn't hungry enough to go out. Pregnancy didn't suddenly change him into a hunter of tasty foods. So I have to make do. Not surprising.

Pepper6

You are pregnant, not disabled so there's absolutely no reason why you should make your husband go get something you want when you are perfectly capable of going yourself.  It'd be different if you were sick, or on bed rest, or after you have the baby and have a newborn at home, but otherwise I think it's unfair to expect him to cater to your every whim just because you are knocked up.  So yes, I think you are overreacting to get upset that he didn't offer to go get you donuts...

bridie926

Thank you guys for your honesty. You know how sometimes you know what you're feeling is totally irrational and completely crazy, but you can't help but feel it anyways? And you have to tell someone so they can pretty much slap you with truth and knock you out of a funk lol? I know what I'm feeling is stupid. My husband is wonderful to me. 

If I'm being totally honest, I'm not the type of person to fly off the handle about stupid stuff. When we have arguments, it's never me initiating it because I like to keep the peace and I HATE confrontation. Bottling things up has been my go-to way of dealing with my feelings. We don't live close to any of my friends or family, so I really haven't had many people to unload my pregnancy hormones on, and the last thing I want to do is show my husband this side lol.

So seriously you all, thanks for knocking some sense back into me

cnchavez69

I've teased my boyfriend about late night food desires and he looks at me and laughs.  I know when I drop hints its my own self being lazy about not wanting to get up and get in the car and go.  However I also know that he has had just as long a day at work and is comfortable so if he doesn't feel like going it doesn't bother me.  There have been times he has offered and when he does I take him up on it.  Try not to let your hormones or what you hear from others make you think a certain way.  If he is loving to you and takes care of you and is excited about being a daddy that is what really matters.  Also, dropping hints doesn't really do anything.  If you really want him to go be forward and say it.  Would you mind babe going out to get me something.  Straight forwardness pays off.  Just look at the good!

Pepper6

On a related note, DH and I are both lazy in regards to willingness to go somewhere after we're home, so to solve that issue, we both go. 

bridie926

Cnchavez69, you're right I'm so glad I didn't unload this on him haha. And yea, I hear about other people making their husbands get them food and stuff while their pregnant, and my first reaction has always been, "Really?? That seems excessive." But I always felt like I was the only person that felt that way.

Which is why I came to this forum instead of other crazy people I know on Facebook or anything. I think more than anything I needed some validation to myself that yes, I WAS in fact just having a secret hormone attack and no, I DON'T need to demand that my husband goes to get me food lol. Because those crazy people I know would've told me to diva-up and tell him to go get me food haha.

That's just not me

bridie926

Pepper6, that's how we are too lol. This cold weather isn't helping either of us in the "motivated-to-go-anywhere" department haha!

ThereBeDragons

Oh yeah and if DH is feeling especially lazy when I was already going to go out- he would totally ask me to bring him back something. He figures if its something tasty enough to lure me out of he house- he might as well put in his order too and save himself a future trip or a boring "from the freezer" meal.

Of course that goes both ways- when he is out and I am lazy I toss out my requests too We both bitch and moan about being the one who has to go out- but it really comes down to who wants the (whatever is being acquired) more. The one who will be sad/mad/too hungry to survive without (whatever is being acquired) is the one responsible for going and getting it. We are both grown ups and responsible for our own needs

bridie926

ThereBeDragons, that's very true about it going both ways

I'm sorry to hear about your bed rest, as well as savannah_girl! I know my little spat of hormone irrationality was a super silly thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things. (Seriously, these flare-ups of feelings I've NEVER felt before are incredibly annoying lol). I've heard bed rest is really the pits, and I really hope you both are safe in your pregnancies, as well as your little ones.

ThereBeDragons

Not to worry. I had an emotional break down a few weeks ago because I dropped my half made sandwich on the dirty floor and it was just too much effort to re-make the sandwich when I already had to clean the peanut butter off the floor. 

Full on tears, begging DH to make me a new sandwich, crying even more when he (quite reasonably) told me to toughen up and just make another sandwich for myself. Until I eventually moped my way back into the kitchen, made myself a new sandwich and...

It was like the clouds parted and everything was happiness and sunshine again. All I needed was a sandwich to make me happy again.

Right up until DH smirked and told me that he'd told me so. I ate my sandwich with a side of embarrassment and resentment at him for pointing out my behavior. But it was still delicious.

bridie926

Hahaha! Oh my gosh, I tell you, as a FTM, these hormone stories just make me feel more normal lol. I feel like I should be waking up every morning and pre-apologizing to DH for everything that MIGHT happen during the day lol. 

And yeah, it hurts the pride when DH has to point out the crazy that I already know is there haha. I mistakenly told him about a meltdown I had when listening to Coldplay's "Amsterdam" because it was just a beautiful song. Now anytime we listen to music he asks if I want to listen to Coldplay.

But dang, it's a good song.

LolaBugs

I do not think you are being unreasonable, simply because my DH will go get me something if I ask. For the most part, I go myself, but if he is home he will go get it. No, I may not be "disabled" but sometimes I am super exhausted and he understands how I feel.

tbmadeamistake

When I was pregnant with our first, DH looked at me and said, "You realize that I'm not going on midnight craving runs or anything, right?  I mean, if I'm already out or have to go anyway, you can ask me to stop somewhere, but I'm not making any special trips for you."  Such a nice man, but at least he laid down the expectations right from the beginning. I got in the habit of making sure to buy one of everything I thought I might want that week, and then it was just a question of convincing him he was thirsty, and requesting what I wanted while he was up anyway .  He knew/knows full well that I'm doing it, but it's a good compromise for us.  He still refuses to leave the house for my cravings, though!

bridie926

It's nice to know mine's not the only hubby to stand his ground lol Mostly, it's nice to have a place like this forum to talk about all of these new experiences and listen to others' stories!

coffee89

My hubby will occasionally go out and get something if he wants something as well. However, this is something he would have done when I wasn't pregnant. He is more than happy to jump out of bed to get me a drink or whatever. These are also things I do for him.

I don't ask him to go out just because I "need" some food at 10pm. I'd go myself or get over it. I'd feel like a selfish brat if my hubby had to go out in the cold after  a day of work because I annoyed him into getting me something so trivial.

annabeanybee

I do send DH out from time to time, but in all fairness I'm usually the one to buy groceries and make dinner, so I don't feel too bad about it. You can always play the "but I'm creating a human" card. :P JK...kinda!

Disneygeek77

Here's another sandwich story.  DD was about 1 week old and we got Jimmy John's for dinner.  Well I guess they put a lot of mayonnaise on my sandwich because every time I bit in it, the ingredients would slip out on the other side.  After a few bites, I started to cry because my sandwich was falling apart. 

Looking back, it is embarasing but I suppose I was hormonal, sleep deprived and trying to recover from a c-section but for some reason my sandwich made me cry.  

bridie926

Lol thank you all for your input. I'm a people pleaser, and I have a tendency to worry about EVERYTHING, and some things don't need to be worried about. I was concerned about my hubby not caring when I know he cares. He shows me in many other ways. Just because he's not the type of guy to offer to go grab food doesn't mean he's being a bad husband lol. I think you all are right, in if I absolutely need something, I shouldn't be afraid to ask. Being the people pleaser I am, I just hate coming across like I'm nagging. But I need to remember that it's not nagging if it's something that is needed.

Thank you guys for listening and being so nice

bridie926

These sandwich stories are the best Now I'm mentally prepared for my emotional encounter of doom with a sandwich...BLT stands for bacon lettuce tomato...NOT Better Like Tears ">

RondackHiker

jennish11 said:

OP - I feel you, honestly.  My ex used to be like there - I was never pregnant with him, but I was working full-time and he was unemployed.  I'd come home exhausted but I'd end up being the one to do something about dinner 99% of the time because he'd just wait until I was starving and then give me his order.

To me, I don't think that just because you are pregnant you all of a sudden can't go out and do anything, but I do think that he should understand how exhausting it can be at times and at least offer to make it more 50/50 (which it should be anyways in my opinion).

My DH and I were pretty much 50/50 when it came to dinner - it was kind of a team effort and if one of us was especially tired, the other would jump to help because it was a give and take - but now that I'm pregnant, he does tend to go out by himself more often to get me some things because he understands that my body is going through a lot and he sees things like that as his way to contribute to it.

I think you should talk to your husband about how it makes you feel and how you need his help a bit more.  The last thing you want is to hold these feelings in and have them explode later.

Your ex not being a contributing member of the household and OP's H not running out to fulfill her craving when she didn't ask him to are totally different scenarios.

GermanGirl2007

Hormones are crazy indeed. I cried a few weeks ago because I got home to find that DH hadn't made the bed. For some reason, it induced a full on cry fest. LOL. My DH has been very understanding and supportive, and while I would have LOVED it if he would have volunteered to go get me a corn dog that one day that I would have given my left arm for a corn dog, I also understand that it's kind on unreasonable to send him on my food errands.  You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders though. Just try to maintain perspective.

khaalid00

FTM here 22 wks. I have an opposite story than OP. DH of mine constantly ask me what I want and want to get it for me even though I am capable to do it myself. However, I do a lot for the house/us from cleaning, cooking every meal to domestic things that he feels that he should help in some ways. Pregnancy brought out a different side of DH which is very good and even more supportive. Every Friday he takes me out to date night, and do a fun weekend day outings before the baby comes 'cause we know that we will be focusing on the baby then ourselves. Right now I love the random night trips to get me sparkling water and constant attention. I don't ask for it nor do I expect it. OP, perhaps you can discuss with your husband about equal favors and how nice it would be for him to find ways to help you. Be honest without acting needy or dropping hints (some men are clueless) but suggest pampering once in a while....after all you are doing all the work growing a human. Speak up now on how you feel. He will have a rude awakening when the baby comes and being lazy will be on the bottom of the list quick.

chevronseven

Mine went out for me once.  It's the only time I have had a specific craving, and that particular day my back was extra sore and I was so exhausted.  I wouldn't ask him to on a regular basis, but he was very sweet to go get me my craving.

He doesn't, however, have any idea how to deal with a hormonal, emotional pregnant wife.  The other day I was feeling really overwhelmed about having a baby (FTM with no younger siblings) and he just rolled his eyes and wouldn't really even talk to me about it.  Last month I had a complete meltdown because I was trying to make sugar cookies and we didn't have enough butter AND we didn't have the right attachment for the mixer.  He actually kind of laughed at me.  He does that a lot of times when I cry because he says I look really cute and pitiful, sooooo annoying.

Anyway, in my experience guys don't really pick up on subtle hints.  Ask him directly if you want something.  

dogsombrero

We've gone together most of the time but DH does pick me up treats that he thinks I'd like. I have cried because I didn't know what to eat so food is a hot button topic.

hdchafin

With my first, DH was not very attentive/aware of my needs or cravings. It wasnt that he didnt care, he just didnt get it. This time, he seems to be much more aware of what I need and the cravings that I just gotta take care of. Sometimes you just gotta spell it out for them. :-) granted I never ask/hint for DH to make a special trip out for something, but if he is already out, I ask him to pick up what Im craving if he can.

PrimRoseMama

I think you should switch off.

Also, be direct about your needs/desires. "Dropping hints" obviously doesn't work so just ask.

allardr

Sounds like it's more of an overall issue. I'd just start a hey I flew for dinner last time you fly this time (pregnant or not). As for cravings you can ask him to run as a favor but I wouldn't expect it. I'm lucky my hubby doesn't mind going out in the cold late, but me after 5pm in the winter I hate fighting the cold to go out. 

NADA-H

yeah guys don't get hints thats what my husband said to me before we got married, he said if you want something just say it, we do not get hints at all and we don't read minds (I use that against him too sometimes when he wont say what he wants directly)

my husband would act lazy at times mostly lately because he is tired at work but I work longer hours (he starts an hour earlier) and I do much more around the house so the debate of who is more tired is useless really. recently if he asks me for something and I'm too tired or just sat down I tell him am too tired can you place go make it/get it/do it yourself (not all the time though)

bridie926

Thanks to all of you for your sharing your experiences and advice! The fact that he is so loving in many ways makes me remember that just like I'm a FTM, he is also a FTD. I just can't feel self conscious about being too tired to go get things sometimes. Clearly I have people-pleasing issues lol