Tough day, tough choices..(sorry so long)

flgrl521

I apologize in advance if this post seems long and pitiful..but today..this week.. actually this past year has really been a struggle. My husband and I started TTC last October and I was surprised we conceived on the first try. I started spotting and cramping at 5 weeks and ended up having a m/c. I was crushed. We waited 3 cycles before trying again and boom... happened again quickly. This time I was a nervous wreck. The doctor paid close attention to my hormone levels and at 6 weeks when I saw a h/b I thought I was in the clear. I started picking out baby names with my husband and envisioning my life as a mother. When I went back for my next appointment.. no h/b. The baby stopped growing at 7w2d. Utter devastation. I thought I was being punished somehow. I couldn't stop crying.. then I felt like a fool for thinking this would be easy. Unfortunately we told my father in-law and his new wife we were expecting so then we had to share the bad news. (She's now pregnant, I'm not, and she's 11 years older than me..ultimate pity party status). Well with the second loss, I had a D&C and found out it was chromosomal. Fast forward 7 months later (after lots of "precautionary" testing on DH and I to make sure we were actually normal) we got the green light to try again. I was numb when I got the BFP. Wouldn't allow myself to believe it was real because I couldn't be let down again. I honesty felt nothing but terror. Saw a strong h/b at 7 weeks then nothing at 9. I couldn't even cry at that point. It didn't feel real anymore. Another D&C later we found out it was another trisomy. We got all sorts of vague explanations like "it could just be that you and your husband are more prone for this" or "it's not you or him specifically.. it's just when you two combine genes"..I've since convinced myself it's me and the doctor is just being nice. I'm only 29, but apparently my eggs didn't get the memo. Now, it seems or only option is to keep trying (and possibly m/c again) or do ivf with pgs which we can't afford right now. I'm terrified we will finally get the money, do the procedure, the find out we have no normal embryos. I just don't know which answer is the right one and I'm just so sad. I feel like my life, dreams and future plans are shattering and there's nothing I can do. Sorry to vent, but I feel a little better for sharing my story at least.

mara005

I'm very sorry for your losses ((hugs))

PinkRoses

I'm so very sorry.  I wish there was somthing I could do or say.  Sending hugs and warm thoughts.

flgrl521

Thanks ladies... helps to put my thoughts into words. Hopefully I'll find the strength to figure out what to do next. I know we've all had a tough journey.

BackstreetPixie

::hugs:: I'm so sorry.

aschultz9

So very sorry. I got the same explanation..just plain "bad luck" multiple times. Its very hard to decide if you can handle the "keep trying" .

flgrl521

@aschultz9 I'm sorry for you too. It's very hard indeed. I feel like I don't have a positive bone left in me but I certainly don't want to give up either.

MCH77

((Hugs))

IfMamaAintHappy

I'm so so sorry you are going through this yet again. I really can't imagine how you are feeling and I'm not going to pretend to try. Just know that we are all thinking of you and sending you hugs and T&P.

Ihope

Everyone is different but mc is such a horrendous thing to go through. You might not want to do that to yourself again. I know pgd is really costly but if you can figure a way it would save you so much heartache.

aezimmerman

I am very sorry this keeps happening. It might be too soon to make a decision. You are in a very raw place (rightfully so) and that makes it difficult to weigh your choices in a logical, fact-based manner. Take care of yourself for now. When the time is right, you can sit down and figure out what is best for you.

macchiatto

I am so sorry.

flgrl521

@ihope I think I'm definitely leaning towards that option. I'm thinking about possibly opening another credit card or getting a second job to help pay for it. I just don't think I can go through another m/c. @aezimmerman I think you're completely right. I'm sad and overwhelmed.. and I'm sure my hormones aren't helping me either. I know I need more time. I've heard of women having 5 or more m/c 's and I have no idea how they do it. Each one takes a little piece of your soul I think.

flgrl521

Thanks for sharing @kateLM.. I hope you're right [-O<

kj808

Oh i'm so so very sorry. All I can say is that I know for a fact that you can go on to have a normal pregnancy after miscarrying. It just sucks to go through this multiple times. Hugs to you.

dawnstar898

So sorry for your loss and struggle. When your wish to have a baby outweighs your fear of miscarriage, you know you're ready to try again.  It's not an easy thing, I know.  My first loss, my first thought was when can I try again?  This time, same thing.  I just want to be pregnant and have a child so bad that even though the miscarriages suck ass, I'm willing to risk it if it means someday I will be holding my own little one in my arms.  Good luck and just do what's right for you!

flgrl521

I just ordered a book off Amazon called "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. It's about his wife who had 4 miscarriages. He includes some interesting facts and statistics about miscarriage...and his wife eventually went on to have a normal pregnancy. It had great reviews so I'm hoping it might change my outlook. I also saw a new holistic doctor yesterday who felt so bad for me he gave me a hug lol (actually made me feel better haha). He is increasing some of my vitamins so we will see. Never hurts to try. Still not sure what direction I'll take but I can't tell you have much all your support has helped. Thanks so much ladies..baby dust to all :x