OT I'm going to lose it!

nanabanana06

Rosie has turned into a monster. It's awful. We actually hate being around her anymore. All she does is cry, whine, be bossy, not listen, and act out. No matter what we do we cannot get her to be a good girl. She'll have moments where she's fine, but then she'll want something done a specific way or want something she cannot have or do something she cannot/was asked to do. Then comes the screaming and crying. She'll throw epic meltdowns over the silliest things. We try to calm her down or to tell her what was wrong, she'll get quiet, start apologizing like crazy, and then start back up 30 seconds later over something silly.

For instance. This morning she didn't want to go through the main baby gate. She knows she's not allowed to go through the other one, but that was the one she wanted to go through. So the throws herself in front of me and tries to prevent me from opening the gate. She even clung to it. I had to physically pick her up to go through. She was kicking and screaming the whole time. We told her she isn't allowed through the other one because it has things over there we don't want her playing with/walking over (the entryway). She keeps throwing this huge screaming fit. She's sending Cade into one too. We tried everything. Time outs, talking to her, ignoring, ect. We eventually lost it and yelled. She got quiet. Then I got her breakfast ready and she went back into a fit cuz I grabbed the robot cup and not the dinosaur cup. I told her that the dinosaur cup was dirty, but she's still screaming and trying to put it in the sink of dirty dishes. She's now been sitting in her tower eating her breakfast whining for 20 minutes. You look at her wrong and she's back to crying and screaming.

I just don't know what to do. I'm losing it. My patience is frying and I'm scared I can't do this anymore. We had so many months of good, now she's this. It's like we don't matter and she's the boss. She reacts so violently over silly things. Like she gets in trouble or you use a stern voice and she acts like we beat her. She starts screaming, cry, cowering, and apologizing. She refuses to potty train too. We keep trying, but she won't do it. We're afraid she may never potty train. I just don't know what to do with her. Life has turned into small moments of good, with lots of moments of bad, and then amazingness after bedtime. I feel so guilty about it too. We don't hurt her, we don't spank, and we try to talk thing through with her. She just will not listen and everything has to be her way or she brings out the tantrums. It's getting so bad. Help?

Danie007

I had a similar situation with L not too long ago. Honestly, I can't remember what fixed things for us. However, I have my sweet, helpful, girl back. Strong drink, hot bath, and "this too shall pass" is the best I can give you. ((Hugs))

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lovelainie

I remember when my youngest brother went through a phase like that, at one point my mom dropped onto the floor and threw a giant tantrum herself. It definitely freaked him out a little bit. I don't know if it worked long-term, but it helped for a little while.

nanabanana06

SecretAgentKate said:

*hugs*  kids are hard

i'm sure other moms will have lots of good words of advice and encouragement.  the only thing I'd say, is if nothing else works, have you tried looking into her food?  my best friend's daughters are really sensitive to food dyes.  we just always thought they were overly emotional/dramatic little girls, but since cutting dyes from their diet they are like different kids.  don't get me wrong, they still have their moments, but the weeping/raging/insanely over the top behavior has practically diminished.  My middle son is sensitive too, and we really have to watch what he eats, though we have not gone completely dye-free yet.  it's so hard because it's in evvvvvvvverything--not even just foods (although they are in tons of foods), but toothpaste, chapsticks, etc.  If you're on facebook, the page Die, Food Dye links up to a lot of really great resources

 https://www.facebook.com/DieFoodDye

I've never thought about that. I hear that cutting food dye is great for ADD. We already are corn syrup free (sort of). Her favorite cereal is fruity cheerios. She eats it every morning with a banana. I'll look into it though. See how much we can possibly cut out. We try to keep her on a healthy diet though. Nice whole foods, not too much processed crap. It's a tad milk and carb heavy though cuz she's a toddler.

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Chichigo

I was a tantrum thrower. My mom once used an entire roll of film to document it. Could you record her during a tantrum and let her see it? She might be old enough to realize how unpleasant the tantrum looks/hears. If not, I'm in favor of joining in. You can attempt to be serious or humorous without mocking-again to help her see what the tantrum looks/sounds like from the outside.

You might also try having her draw about how she feels just before or during the tantrum. Then talk about the picture with her. She might be too upset to talk about it, and the drawing can help (older kids would write about it). If she doesn't like to draw, try looking at faces in picture books or magazines. Talk about how the character or model feels, how you know, and what might have caused it. These are some strayegies I've used with my students, some of whom were at a preschool age developmentally. I never joined a tantrum with them though.

TJ1979

Big hugs Nana. Kids are so challenging. I know mine has the power to make me feel like I am a horrible mother and doing it all wrong. I usually go with the "it's just a phase, this too shall pass" idea. I like SAK's idea about the food too. I'll be interested to see how that works out.
GL.

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nanabanana06

Thanks everyone! I guess we'll try some new tactics. We're getting so worn out. I think I may try to do that calm down jar thing as well. We'll see! I just hope this passes. I'm so tired of constantly having to try to defuse tantrums right now. I'm tired of constantly listening to her cry and whine. It's exhausting.

DanandVan

I've learned (the hard way) that when kids act out it's often because they need more positive attention, an earlier bedtime, more consistent parenting, space from Mom (get a babysitter or have dh take over for a couple hours), or any combination of the above.
I really like Dr Laura Berkham (hope I spelled that right). Check out her blog. Oh, another tip is to add humor to everything! Ex. Instead of "please put on your shoes" I would say "ok, come put your shoes on your head", or hand them my shoes to put on. Totally diffuses the power struggle.
Good luck. Its a hard age!

Edit: Dr Laura Markham, sorry! Aha! Parenting blog - its really great!

zaraceligon

Kid spot.com has a lot of good activities and some videos of how to deal with tantrums and much more.

unaveragejane

Hugs, hon!! I haven't dealt with three year olds yet, so I don't have any tried-and-true suggestions. I love the ideas about trying to be silly. This is one of my downfalls b/c my gut reaction when a child is tantruming is to get frustrated and to be strict. However, it can be a great tool for some kids. Talking about emotions is also a a good idea. When I taught children with special needs (mostly autism), we always did a unit on emotions...and we repeated it throughout the year. It's hard for young kids to understand what they're going through internally. I also spent a lot of time helping them learn that their reaction to their feelings is what determines the outcome (i.e. whether they get into trouble). I had to teach them it's okay to get mad, but the acceptable reactions to the anger are X, Y, and Z...not hitting, biting, running away, etc. The biggest key for my kids (maybe it will help R?) was teaching them calming techniques. Some of my kids liked the calming sequence where they squeeze their fists, release, rub their legs, then rub their heads. I taught them to do it 5 times, and by the end, they usually felt calmer. One of my most aggressive and super-reactionary kids learned to do this on his own, and I still get teary when I think about how far he had come just by learning how to manage his emotions. Other kids could count up to a set number to calm down. Some needed to crawl under a table and sit for a few minutes with a lovey. The key thing for all of them was catching the tantrum at the rumbling stage, pre-meltdown, and talking them through it. "I can see you're getting upset/frustrated/scared. Do you feel like you need to take a break to calm down?" It seemed to help start that internal dialogue that they later could use to circumvent the tantrum themselves.

More hugs again!

Oh, oh, and I've also seen dietary change make amazing differences in some kids. I've seen it not make a difference, too; but especially for one little girl I had in class, when her parents figured out her food sensitivities, a whole new sweet side of her emerged. She is sensitive to a lot more than just dyes (including something naturally occurring in citrus and grapes), and it really took some work for her parents to figure them out. Before, she had some aggression but was also way off in another universe with her attention and focus. In the end just by dietary restrictions, she came off of 3 different medications, moved from a special autism unit back to her home school needing very little resource assistance, and really blossomed.

Into+the+Kitty

I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but wanted to offer my support. Tantrums are the worst, much less constant ones.

CLLDLL

Aww I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch with R Nana. I think anything useful I have to add has already been said.

I do want to say D had a spell like that too where we didn't really "like" him that much. Eventually we got through it, and we loved ages 4-6. Now I kind of don't like him again at 8. Anyway, ((hugs)) I hope you find a way to survive it if not make things better for you and her.