Marriage, Sex, Trust, and The Internet

MJM3108

I want to start by saying this will probably be long. I will try and keep it short, but who knows.... I also want to say that this is a safe place for me, and I trust you ladies with this. I need to get this out. I just need someone to talk to about this who isn't H...

So, H and I have been having some issues. I'm sure they are issues almost any new family could/ would/ does face. Money is tight, our sex life is practically non-existent and we are stressed to the max a lot of the time. Parenting is simultaneously the hardest and best thing I have ever done with my life.

That being said, this morning I logged into what I thought was MY gmail account, but it wasn't. It was an email acct of H's. I knew about it, but didn't think he used it. It was an account established when we initially signed up with Sprint for our cell service. The inbox had emails from porn sites, sex hook up sites, and other (4 different) women. Two of the emails from women had a response from H (I didn't read them, just could tell there was a response). The others had been looked at but no response. I called him out on it immediately. He swears he never did anything with any of these women. Never met them, nothing aside from the email response. He apologized over and over and over, and said he needed help. He told me that he fantasizes about other women, and looks at porn (mainly on his phone) on a regular basis. He recommended he begin therapy and we also look into couples counseling. I could barely talk to him, let alone look at him. He said he couldn't imagine how I must be feeling, and that he would do whatever it took to make it right. He started apologizing again. I asked him if he was sorry that he did it, or sorry that he got caught. He said he was sorry he did it, that it was wrong, and again brought up him needing help. 

At this point I kind of went off on him. I told him that no, he couldn't have any idea how I felt because I would never do anything like that. I asked why I wasn't enough for him, that it wasn't like he was being deprived of sex, that I was refusing him. It's the other way around! I always initiate, ask, etc, and HE is the one turning ME down. It has been messing with my head for months, smashing my self esteem to bits thinking my PP body isn't attractive to him. I had to leave for work so I kind of ended it there. I kissed my son goodbye and walked out the door. I cried the whole way to work. 

I don't know what to do. My gut instinct tells me he isn't lying about not *physically* cheating, but how much better does that really make this situation??? I am dreading going home tonight because I just don't know what to say/ do. 

My heart is hurting, and I feel betrayed, like I've been punched in the gut... Thank you so much for giving me this safe space to vent. 

Here's some chocolate if you actually got through this: 

misternmiss

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know if this is the best advice, but if I were in that situation, I would want some time to be away from MH and allow for space to think. Do you have a family member or friend you could stay with to get away? If you didn't want to give them all the details, someone you could trust to just say, "DH & I need a break" and they would take you in, no questions asked? Or could you send DH away?
I think it is a positive sign that he is saying he is willing to seek help. I hope that he follows through with those words.
I don't know what more to say, other than I am so sorry. We are all here for you if you need someone to listen or talk things through with.
(((Hugs)))

pkaren

((Hugs)) I'm just going to say that's really shitty if your DH and don't for one second blame yourself for it. At least he's willing to get help and couples counseling might end up being good for both of you. I agree with mnm that if you can get some space right now it might do you good and let you cool off.

melly918

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a good thing he is willing to get help for this, many other men are not usually willing to go to counseling. Take as much time you need to process things and decide what is best for you and your family.

ksyknelvr73

Well, your post really hit home for me. DH and I went through something incredibly similar a couple years ago. Everything except for actually talking to other women over email (which maybe he was and I didn't know it). I don't want to get too into details here, but the first time I realized it was a problem was when I came home unexpectedly from something one day and I caught him in the act so to speak - it was so gross and it prompted a major discussion between us. He broke down and admitted he had a porn problem. He told me he knew it was a problem and he knew it was affecting our marriage (this is all before kids btw) negatively. He agreed to seek counseling - he went on his own and then we also did couples counseling in addition to that. I won't lie - for quite a while there, I was totally disgusted by him and what he had revealed to me. I didn't really want to have sex with him at all, and I didn't really want him to touch me in general. We went through 6 brutal months of counseling and things got much better...and then we got pregnant with DS about 9 months after the counseling had ended.

Fast forward to after DS was born, he was about 4 months old. DH is a teacher and he is off in the summers, I was working 6 days a week for the month of June - DS was in daycare part time so DH definitely had some down time to himself. I got out our laptop one morning on the weekend to check something and almost the EXACT same thing happened that you described. I pulled up yahoo to check my email and it actually pulled up HIS email account he had forgotten to log out of - and it was an email account that I had ZERO idea he had. I saw tons of porn emails....from months and months. I WAS SO PISSED and hurt. Especially after all we had gone through prior to that. My intial reaction was to kind of freak out on him and scream at him to leave, but we ended up again having a major discussion. He was extremely apologetic, didn't make ANY excuses, seemed to understand the severity of the situation. I informed him that if he didn't get help and figure out the solution to his problem, then that would be IT....he knows if I ever catch him doing this again, I am leaving and that's that.

I made him contact our pastor and then I made him contact the same counselor he had gone to for the first time I found out. We installed a program on our computer at home where I can check to see if he is visiting porn sites and in addition to that, the program will email his accountability partners (our pastor and the counselor) if he DOES visit a porn site or goes to any website that could be flagged for pornographic content. I have full access to his passwords for all emails and his cell phone. I also ask him maybe ever 6 months or so if he has had any problems lately with temptation or if he has slipped up. Honeslty, we are VERY open about it and he has admitted when he's struggled with the temptation but so far has abstained for about 2.5 years now.

Well, I just wrote a novel. I hope that my story can help you in some way. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat further. I'm really, really sorry you guys are dealing with this right now - b/c it sucks a lot and I know that firsthand. ((HUGS)) mama.

martinimomma

((Hugs)). I am so sorry you are going through this.  It is clear from your post how hurtful it is and how betrayed you feel.

Given your description of your H's response, it does seem like he knows it was wrong (i.e., he didn't try to defend it which I presume is a response some men would have).  I agree with PPs about taking some space and time if you need it even if it means your H is sleeping elsewhere or in the garage for a few nights.  And therapy for you both individially and together as a couple sounds like the next step.  ((More hugs)).

Mmm79

Big ((hugs)).

 

I think you have gotten some great advice already.  I agree that it is a good sign that he apologized, admitted that something was wrong and wants to work on it.  It doesn't make it easy for you, but it does seem to indicate that he values you and your relationship. 

I would reach out to a counselor ASAP.  I think that being able to talk in a safe place with a neutral third party who has some insight (in a professional sense) to marital relationships is really important in times of crisis.  I think you'd probably be surprised at how common this type of thing is.  I know I have heard it from several friends over the years.  The key is to address it before it festers and it- or other issues that may stem from it- get out of hand.  Marriage is not easy and it's not static. How you both chose to handle problems will ultimately strengthen or weaken your relationship.

I have to say that I'm with daylights on the whole porn thing.  I'm cool with it as a healthy outlet for male (or female, in some cases) sexuality.  But the conversing with other ladies thing would crush me/piss me off.  However, I do think there is a distinction between guys looking at porn and guys being addicted to porn.  Does he believe that it is an addiction, or is it just something he has fallen into that has become more frequent?

I also think that the unemployment thing *could* be a factor.  A few years ago DH was out of work for about a year and it was really, really hard on him.  It was a blow to his ego and his masculinity.  On days when he didn't have interviews or meetings scheduled, he could really get down about being around the house.  I'm not sure exactly what he did with that time, but I could see a guy who may already feel a little down on himself wanting either a way to pass the time or something to make him feel good about himself.  That doesn't make it ok, but it may explain some of it.

If it were me, I wouldn't leave the house unless you found it unbearable to be there.  I think that having each other around to parent DS and talk are good things.  Separating- even for a short while- may increase the stress and friction. 

I also wanted to echo that it's not you.  This whole parenting thing is really challenging and draining.  I love DS to death, but I know that DH and I have both been short on patience, and sometimes affection, at times during the past year.   

 

 

  

FmrAFBrat

((HUGE HUGS)) I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My heart hurts for you. No betrayal is worse than that of the one you love. PPs have given some wonderful advice & I really hope that you both will do counseling. I also hope he meant it when he said he was sorry and I really hope he can change for the better.

For your sanity I think it would be best if he could go somewhere else for a few nights while you can sort things out. Just because it wasn't "sex" doesn't mean it wasn't cheating. Cheating can be emotional too. Find someone that you can trust to talk to and figure out what steps you can take to make your marriage a healthy one. Whatever those steps are they need to be taken as a couple, as relationships take BOTH people to work. It can't just be one sided to be healthy for both yourself and your LO.

I really feel sad for you. If it were me I would be contacting those ladies to make sure DH is telling the entire truth. I feel that in this day & age there are so many bad things out there I would want to make sure I wasn't exposed to them. I just don't know if he fully deserves your trust right now.

Just remember, it isn't you-it is HIM. He needed to be a MAN and tell you that there were issues and not find some bimbo ***** to chat with. Please take care of yourself.  Maybe get a friend or family member to watch LO so you can get a hair cut, nails done, or something else that makes you feel pretty. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. I hope that things do work out & that he can be honest with you in the future.

luvboston

Hugs
I have no advice except that none of this is your fault.

MJM3108

You ladies are amazing. Thank you so much for your kind words and support, it means so much. I really don't want to leave home w/ DS, and since H has become his primary childcare provider as he's laid off, having him leave doesn't work either. But he will not be sleeping in our bed for at least tonight. 

@ksyknelvr73, thank you for being so open and sharing your experience with me. It is hard to talk about, and your openness helped me more than you may know. (((HUGS)))

To try and answer some of the questions you all posed to me- yes, I feel that H being laid off is a factor, both in regards to the hit on his 'masculinity' as well as the extra free time on his hands. I too agree that porn can be a healthy outlet in some cases whether on an individual basis or for a couple, but this was really a (giant) step past that. My trust is definitely shaken, and I hope for his sake, those emails aren't deleted when I get home, because I do want to read his responses to those women. I don't know that I can actually contact any of them due to the contact being through the website... If it's possible for me to contact them, I honestly don't know if I would or not. 

 I don't know if I'd say that he is addicted to porn. I have no clue exactly how long this has been going on, which kind of terrifies me. H did say himself he has a problem, so maybe that's his indirect way of admitting he's addicted? This will need lengthy discussion, which will start (maybe) tonight if I feel like I can talk about it calmly. Ben is getting to the age where he can really pick up on the tension and I don't want to fight about this with him around. The matter is further complicated by the fact that my brother lives with us. Though perhaps I can ask him to go watch tv in his room after Ben goes to bed tonight so we can talk alone. 

I will be contacting our pastor as well, and I will probably look to go speak with her alone. H and I have gone to her for marriage counseling in the past, but I think this time it really needs to be with a professional marriage counselor. She was great for the 3 sessions we had with her, but this is going to require a lot more than just 3 sessions. 

Again, thank you ladies so incredibly much for being there for me. Your support, advice and T&P are such a blessing for me. 

MJM3108

So when I came home tonight, there was a 2 page handwritten letter from DH with more apologies and promises to get hello. It was very heartfelt and he opened up more than he has in a while. We also talked for about a half hour while my brother watched Ben.
He it's giving me the passwords to his email accounts, talked to our pastor, and contacted a few therapists today. I truly believe he wants to change and get help. He admitted to me that he is addicted to porn.
My heart is still hurting, will be for a while. Trust is definitely going to be an issue for a while, too. But he is a good man and farther, and I believe we can make this work.
Thank you all again for your kind words, support, prayers and love. I am blessed by you all.

Mmm79

I have been thinking about you and am glad to see this update.  Cliche or not, the first step in moving forward is admitting there is a problem.  You'll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

ChloBub

You have gotten a lot of good advice and support, and I'm so glad your husband has admitted he is wrong and that he's seeking help. One thing that will be difficult but necessary as you work through this together is that he might slip up again, and you need to try your best to create a safe space for him to come and admit that to you and ask for your forgiveness again. Even with all of your outrage and hurt (which is 100% justified), try your best to make it better to tell you than to keep it a secret. It is SO hard to be forgiving, especially when you have every right to be furious, and especially when you have expressed your deep hurt to him. But one way that will help him truly heal is by giving him confidence that he can tell you if it happens again instead of being more and more secretive and deceitful. Not that you are okay with it, but that you love him and want him to be better.

((HUGS)) I am so sorry you're going through this. 

ksyknelvr73

I'm really encouraged by your update. This sounds very similar to how my H handled things, and we are honestly in a really great place in our marriage right now. It's taken a while to get to where we are, but it is possible for sure. And I trust him 100% - which I was worried may not happen again. It can happen. I'll be praying for you guys, I know the next couple months might be hard, but you can definitely get through it.

Aubs0009

((huge hugs)) I would try to take some time away from him so you can think. You need to do what's right for you and your baby. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this

SciChick

I just wanted to send my support to you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am glad to hear he is taking positive steps. Just want to send a big hug to you.

charmedgrl517

(Hugs) I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm glad to see your update and hope that DH can get help and you two can work through it.