Need some advice, Update

DogfishHead

I have a 2.5 year old daughter and was thrown a beautiful shower for her. The generosity of friends and family made me cry.

I am now pregnant with #2. Just a little pregnant, but a shower for #2 has already come up. I do not agree with second showers. I was already welcomed into motherhood. However, my MIL feels very strongly that I need a second shower. My DH and I both explained that we do not agree with second shower on principle and that I would feel very uncomfortable with one.

However, she has told us that it her her right (roll your eyes now) as a grandmother to throw a shower for her second grandchild. She has told my SIL that she would consider making it a surprise, so I do not get a say. I am mortified at the idea of one of my friends or family receiving an invitation to a second shower.

A little background: my relationship with my mil has historically been very rocky and we are just starting to get along. She was a pill about my wedding, she broadcast to her friends that it was a shanty wedding because it did not cost the 50k that my sil's wedding cost, she has belittled my parenting decisions, etc. But, over the past 6 months, things have gotten better and I do not want to revert back to where things were between us over a baby shower.

I would like to present her with options to a baby shower. I know there are lots of options out there that do not have gifts as part of the deal. I am just not sure how to word this so that it will keep the peace, since I have a tendancy of getting very short with her. Suggestions on how to offer her non-gift alternatives, but said in a way that will keep the peace bwetween us will be very appreciated.

Update: saw my mil this weekend. She mentioned a shower within 5 minutes of arriving. DH and I sat her down and explained that neither of us would be comfortable with it and that we both view a baby shower as a welcoming to motherhood and, since I am already a mother, that it would be inapprpriate to have another shower. We mentioned that we would be open to having a gathering to meet the baby once it is born with no mention of gifts. She did not like this idea and pressed again for the shower. I told her that this was not something I wanted to fight with her about. We talked about it and came to a compromise of sorts. We are going to have a pregnancy get together, just my mil's close friends and family, nobody from my side for some finger foods and cake. I have asked that she leave the word "shower" off the invitations, in the hopes that people will not feel obligated to come with a gift.

Whuile I am still not all that comfortable, it is a compromise that I can live with. Thanks for all the suggestions ladies, you were a big help.

VOR

Ditto darbie - suggest a meet the baby party.

Outside of that, I'd just be really, really busy for the next 9 months.   I joke, but I'm not joking - all at once.  She wants to surprise you?  Well, she needs for you to actually come.  Right?  So- any suggestions of plans - be busy.  Between being PG AND having a toddler - i don't think it would be too hard to feign "I'll have to see how I'm feeling/ whats going on w/ DD... etc".  and  just refuse to make any plans far out.  And if something comes up "in the moment" - "DH can come over and pickup/ do ___". 

And seriously- use your DH.  You get short w/ her?  Have him there too.  Have him do the talking.  this shouldn't fall to you entirely.

Helenahhandbasket

I also like the idea of a meet the baby party, but you know your MIL best, and this might not be a hill to die on.

If your relationship has been historically rocky, and she will take it as a personal insult if she doesn't get to throw you a shower, my back up advice is to just let her have at it.

Your good friends and close enough family members that know you well will know your personal stance on 2nd baby showers.

Eff everyone else.

DogfishHead

Thanks ladies! We are seeing her this weekend. I think that DH and I will reiterate our wishes to her and suggest that DH and I invite everyone over to meet the baby once s/he gets here with no mention of gifts.

I do want to stomp my foot and stoop to her level, but I think you are right that this should not become such a huge thing and if it looks like it is going in th at direction, I will just let her do what she wants. She is a fantastic grandmother to my daughter and I do not want feeligns to get so bad between us that my DD is impacted in any way.

Again, thanks for the advice.

dufferoo

You can't control her actions, but you can control your own. S know matter what, just don't provide her with a guest list and don't register. If it's really that important for her to get her friends and family together to shower you with trifles, so be it.

DogfishHead

Oh, and it is going to be at my mil's home, not a restaurant, which is what she wanted.

Again, thanks ladies.

Nootbar

If she insists on the party, I'd just insist on a tasteful notation on the invite that says something like "we have everything we need for baby- the only gift we wish for is the gift of your presence" or something like that. GL with mother on law. I admire the stance you're taking. The whole second shower thing has gotten out of control IMO.