Suffered a miscarriage this week - figuring out how to grieve with my partner

grlnxtdr38

I had a D&C on Thursday morning after finding out on Tuesday that I had actually lost the baby several weeks before. I was in for my almost 10 week ultrasound, and the baby measured only 7.6 weeks with no heartbeat. I've never felt this much grief before in my life. My husband and I grieved together for the first several days, but he is moving on emotionally much faster than I am. It's hard because I'm starting to feel alone. I know he's there for me if I need it, but it was easier when we were both at the same level of grief together. This is my first pregnancy and it's so sad how it will forever color the experiences of any future pregnancies. It's horrible that any of us have to go through this, but it's really helpful to read the stories of other women going through a similar experience. Any advice on dealing with differing levels of grief with your partner?

IfMamaAintHappy

First, I'm so sorry you are here. I felt the same way about grieving with MH. We had a natural m/c almost 4 weeks ago at 8 wks (blighted ovum). Our first pregnancy too. At first he was so wonderful and compassionate and patient. After a couple of weeks, I felt like he had moved on and left me behind in my grief. I spent a lot of time here just reading and lurking a lot because it helped me feel not so alone. During that time MH started acting strange and we started having some problems.

Fast forward to 2 nights ago, and after days of fighting and emotionally draining conversations, he finally broke down and told me he didn't think losing the baby would hurt so much. I told him I kept wanting to ask him if he thought his behavior was connected to the m/c because it seemed to start after, but I honestly felt silly asking him that bc it seemed like it didn't bother him like it was still bothering me. Obviously I was wrong and my DH was suffering and grieving silently in his own way. He admitted that in the beginning he wouldn't allow himself to feel too much bc he had to hold it together for me bc I was such a wreck.

We talked and cried it out. I guess it is true that everyone grieves differently and grief can manifest itself in strange ways. Hope this helps a little. The one thing I wish I had done differently was ask him earlier how he was doing. I couldn't see past my own hurt and grief to realize he was hurting too, just not showing it like I was.

grlnxtdr38

Thanks for this. It's always interesting to hear how other people (couples) handle similar things. For him, I think he truly grieved with me for the first 3-4 days. We laid in bed and cried together, talked about how this would be an unfortunate thing that would bring us closer, but then yesterday he had to go back to work. He said being at work made him realize he had to compartmentalize his feelings, and had to move on to be able to function on a daily basis. I get that. I just can't compartmentalize this, at least not yet. So for now we're just in different places I guess. As long as he supports me and is there for me, I think I just have to be ok with that. It's just hard to be so deep in the hole and try to empathize with how another is handling/has handled their grief. I just hope that he's not shutting out the grief and can at least come back to it when he needs to.

TGager

I understand what you are going through and I am so sorry that you are. Me and my DH found out this week at our 12 week ultrasound that our LO stopped growing at 8 weeks.

I know that it is killing DH everything that I am going through (spent 6 hours passing fluids and blood in the ER and still had to have a D&C).

I am just making sure that I ask him what he is feeling about everything... Most people have been focusing on me, and I want him to know that I understand that he lost our child as well.

aezimmerman

I am very sorry for your loss. I am a member of this community because I recently lost my first pregnancy. I was 9 weeks along when the baby was measuring 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat. Unfortunately, the doctor in the ER (I was spotting when I had that ultrasound) said everything looked okay. She thought my dates were off. Turns out she was wrong. Three days later I had intense bleed and cramping. I went back to the ER where my m/c was confirmed. The amount of grief that followed was staggering. My husband and I were devastated. We cried together and talked about the heartbreak. Days later he was moving on relatively quickly and I felt like I was still just as raw. That is when I sought out this board. It was a place to share my feelings and get empathy from others who knew all too well what I was going through. Everyone is different even when it comes to grief. If you feel like you need more support, then tap whatever resources you can. I talked to my mom, posted on this board, and talked to my friends. If you are concerned about your husband, then say something. I am a big proponent of calling a spade a spade.

MCH77

It's hard. I'm current going through my 3 loss with my DH. One thing I have learned is that while we are both upset, I'm dealing with the physical/hormonal aspect as well. My first pg ended in a missed m/c at 13w. We had a CP.

we are now dealing with losing our son at 24w. DH is very upset, but he didn't have surgery to deal with. This morning I woke up to my milk coming in (he doesn't understand how painful this is and upsetting this is). He never felt our sons kicks. Our experiences are different, so our grieving is different. Still pisses me off at times.

I hate when he says we'll get pg again. Really? That means OPK, HPT and me going crazy... You just get to have sec. Means ill have horrible m/s... Again. Means ill be exhausted. Not sure that is the answer I want to hear right now.

Sorry to rant. My point is they are upset, but they aren't going through the same loss as you.

((Hugs))