Sad Vent

Bemyselfandi

I don't know where else to turn for someone to listen to me, so I apologize if this isn't the place anyone really cares to hear my sad story right now.

I keep changing my wedding plans. I keep trying to make everyone else happy instead of just doing what I really want. I finally decided exactly what I want. After changing it three times and changing the date three times, I finally decided I wanted a small, just my bridesmaids, groomsmen, their significant others, and my kids. It was difficult to find someone that could include my kids, while still being able to be adults at night and celebrate. But, I found something that fits very well. This decision excludes my parents and DH's parents. My feelings? They haven't been taken into account for a long time. No one calls me to see how I'm doing. No one. My sister hides in Chicago and pretends that nothing is wrong with our family here. It's easier to pretend there's no problems when you're far away.  One of my bridesmaids is planning her wedding for June. She's becoming quite the bridezilla. I wish I started out like her. I keep asking my three girls when they can get together to pick dresses and it's all up in the air. One can come this weekend, another can come on Wednesday. It's just becoming to be too much. So I picked a date and texted all of them and said this is when we're doing it. I heard nothing. My sister, mom, and dad (who are divorced) are calling eachother upset that I keep changing plans. Why aren't they calling me??? My sister tells me dad is upset I'm using his money and changing dates and places, etc. Before he even gave me the money he said, I have the money. You use it however you want to use it. If you go to the Bahamas by yourself, so be it. If you use it for a big wedding, great. Now he's upset? He hasn't called me to ask how I'm doing in life in general, much less to ask how the wedding planning is going and how I'm spending his money. If he called me, I'd gladly let him in on where everything is going. It's a shame no one can talk with me. I've been so easy going with this whole thing, I regret it. Now I know why people become control freak bridezillas.

All of the negativity going around I don't even want to have a wedding.

On top of that I talked with DH about adding another baby and he said not for a couple YEARS. I'm beside myself because we had been planning to try after or around the wedding this summer.

My mom won't talk with me because when asking what dates she should ask off of work for, I told her two days we needed a sitter so we can go to Vegas for our friends wedding. She said she could only take one day off and have her boyfriend watch the kids. I don't trust the guy, he creeps me out. No way I'd leave my kids with him. I told her simply we'd find someone else. She has rudely been texting me for two days. She's always been quite mentally unstable, but this is just....adding to all the chaos that is my sad life right now.

My dad and his fiance (my step mom, we have called her that for a year or so) have been planning their wedding without telling us *their adult children*. When confronted about it, they got defensive. There's a longer story about it...but I don't feel like going into it. It's super sad that they would rather keep it behind our backs than share the special moment. Even if they don't want us there, they could at least communicate that with us and say the reasons they'd like to do it alone. Whatever makes you happy...but these are reasons I have changed my plans for my wedding. No one cares if I'm there for them or their wedding. Why should I care to have them there for mine?

I guess I'm not looking for advice. Just...someone to listen. I wish I knew what to tell myself.

TJ1979

All I've got is some lame virtual hugs. Maybe try being the bigger person and calling these people and just asking what is up. GL, and you deserve the wedding YOU want.

littleredfish

Ugh, I feel you. I hate family drama. My parents have been divorced for 18 years now and still fight like cats and dogs when they're in the same room. I know you said you're not looking for advice, I'm just throwing things out there that I can relate too because of our family drama. Mainly I'd say what kept my sanity was I just went about my business and did my wedding plans the way I wanted. 

We also had a small event with close friends and family. It was just easier. Some of DHs cousins didn't come due to some stupid drama on their side. Just go with the flow. At the end of the day some people will come, and some won't, but I think shunning them by not inviting them will make you look petty. Especially if your father has contributed money to the event, it would be kind of rude not to invite him. I get that it's rough when you want others to be excited for you, but some people just don't care about this type of thing. YOU be excited because it's your wedding. I would invite them and if they don't show, at least you were the bigger person trying to open the family doors for everybody to get together and have a good time, and if they throw away the olive branch then that's on them.

As for your bridesmaids, I agree with your instinct to just set a day and go. If they don't come then pick one you want and say "this is the dress, let me know your size". If they fuss, make one LAST date for them to go and pick one they want, otherwise they don't have to participate. My SIL was being difficult too and at the end of the day my other bridesmaids picked the dress, we took her size and she just wore it. If she had made a big deal, I would have said "that's cool, the chairs for the grooms side are over there". There are a millions and one things you can stress over, don't let "try to make everybody else happy" make your list because it's an impossible task.

I also wouldn't concern yourself right now with your dad's wedding. When they want you to know the details they will. I get that there's other things going on, but fueling drama by being upset they won't share their plans with you won't help. It's just another thing that will exhaust you.

I hope things work out though. Your wedding should be a happy day! Don't let others make it hard. I'm really sorry about the baby thing though. That's a tough compromise to make. HUGS

Bemyselfandi

littleredfish said:

Ugh, I feel you. I hate family drama. My parents have been divorced for 18 years now and still fight like cats and dogs when they're in the same room. I know you said you're not looking for advice, I'm just throwing things out there that I can relate too because of our family drama. Mainly I'd say what kept my sanity was I just went about my business and did my wedding plans the way I wanted. 

We also had a small event with close friends and family. It was just easier. Some of DHs cousins didn't come due to some stupid drama on their side. Just go with the flow. At the end of the day some people will come, and some won't, but I think shunning them by not inviting them will make you look petty. Especially if your father has contributed money to the event, it would be kind of rude not to invite him. I get that it's rough when you want others to be excited for you, but some people just don't care about this type of thing. YOU be excited because it's your wedding. I would invite them and if they don't show, at least you were the bigger person trying to open the family doors for everybody to get together and have a good time, and if they throw away the olive branch then that's on them.

As for your bridesmaids, I agree with your instinct to just set a day and go. If they don't come then pick one you want and say "this is the dress, let me know your size". If they fuss, make one LAST date for them to go and pick one they want, otherwise they don't have to participate. My SIL was being difficult too and at the end of the day my other bridesmaids picked the dress, we took her size and she just wore it. If she had made a big deal, I would have said "that's cool, the chairs for the grooms side are over there". There are a millions and one things you can stress over, don't let "try to make everybody else happy" make your list because it's an impossible task.

I also wouldn't concern yourself right now with your dad's wedding. When they want you to know the details they will. I get that there's other things going on, but fueling drama by being upset they won't share their plans with you won't help. It's just another thing that will exhaust you.

I hope things work out though. Your wedding should be a happy day! Don't let others make it hard. I'm really sorry about the baby thing though. That's a tough compromise to make. HUGS

The problem with my dad's wedding is that they don't want to tell us at all, but they're telling friends. They're not telling family. It's beyond frustrating, but at the end of the day, I just gotta let it go...

You're right. I can invite parents. My mom probably won't show if my dad is there. DH's dad probably won't so, so technically it's really only four more people.

Thanks.

kldole3

I say take the money, hire a freaking awesome photographer and go to the Bahamas for just hubby and you and kids for the wedding. No muss, no fuss. Granted I'm a little tipsy right now, but that's what I would do if put in that situation.

zaraceligon

I don't think is a good idea to just take the money and forget about it. If you do it, they will be complaining and been a peach all the time they see you. So I don't think is something that you want, plus I don't understand why you need to made others happy, when the only people that you need to made happy is your DH and your kids. And yes sorry for been rude, but is time for you to grown up and decide if you really want your wedding or not. Been with your couple and have kids and been together for a long time all ready, and going thru a lot together, that's what's important. And not to be good with all the people around you. If your parents are with you fine if they are not why been worry about. What is important in my opinion is for my kids to be at my wedding and be proud of keeping my family with me in a very important moment. Not just stress out about what other people said or what they want. Again I'm sorry for been rude, I wish you the best luck in whatever desicion you made.

zaraceligon

Now I feel bad, I think I was to rude. I'm sorry I should then have saying anything.

imakeeff0rts

kldole3 said:

I say take the money, hire a freaking awesome photographer and go to the Bahamas for just hubby and you and kids for the wedding. No muss, no fuss. Granted I'm a little tipsy right now, but that's what I would do if put in that situation.

Honestly, this is a good idea. He gave you the money and basically said "no questions asked". Weddings are supposed to be a happy time - it sounds like they're making it miserable for you. It sounds like you want to keep it super small, so I say elope and take an awesome honeymoon/family vacation. If your friends or family have a problem with it, be honest with them and tell them what's up.

stoneycakes

Hugs!  Family drama is so tough and it's even harder for other people to understand because there is so much history behind it all.  This might be a really useless suggestion, but I thought I'd put it out there in case it might make your planning easier.  I am in a wedding where the bridesmaids all live in different parts of the country.  The bride gave us a color and a length for the dress and told us to go whenever we wanted and pick out whatever we wanted.  It was stress free for everyone.  It was also nice because we all have different body types and we were each able to pick out a flattering cut for ourselves.