Food for thought--"So long as it's healthy"

tddampf

I have a number of friends with children that are not exactly healthy and have spent the last 9 years working with special needs individuals but never really thought about this perspective on a very common and well intentioned sentiment until I read the blog post below. Please take a minute to read it yourself.

https://liferearranged.com/2014/01/why-it-matters-when-we-rub-our-bellies-and-say-so-long-as-its-healthy/

Luna C

UO alert: I think that's stupid and oversensitive. I have little patience for people who go looking for offense where none is intended. 

tddampf

I generally feel they same way about over sensitivity but I didn't read this in that way. Of course we all want healthy children but it doesn't mean they are loved any less if they are not healthy and I am not going to love my child "as long as it's healthy" I'm going to love it no matter what so this really made a lot of sense to me.

MrsAMB07

tddampf said:

I generally feel they same way about over sensitivity but I didn't read this in that way. Of course we all want healthy children but it doesn't mean they are loved any less if they are not healthy and I am not going to love my child "as long as it's healthy" I'm going to love it no matter what so this really made a lot of sense to me.

I've never heard anyone say they'll only love their child "as long as it's healthy." In my experience, that phrase is usually said when someone asks whether a boy or girl is preferred and the parent usually says they're just hoping for the baby to be healthy, with no preference to the sex. 

My aunt has made a similar comment over the years that it bothers her when people says they just hope the baby is healthy, because her son has special needs, and she takes it as "and what if it's not healthy, you'd love it any less?", but that's not how it's intended at all. Wouldn't any parent HOPE for their child to be healthy. It goes without saying the baby wouldn't be loved any less, but who wouldn't hope their child was healthy. I agree that it is reading too much into it, IMO.

sjn00

I don't care what gender my baby is or whether it is healthy or not, it would be loved no matter what. I just pray that for whatever reason the baby is not still born. Nothing else matters.

FeliciaTwo

Have any of you heard the "pregnant women are smug" song by Garfunkel and Oates?  You'll hear "as long as it's healthy" in there .  . .   (I loved this song when I was struggling to get pregnant and jealous of all the pregnant women out there.  Actually, I still love this song.)

LegalLadyBug

Holy can of worms

babybean82

I agree with PP it's reading too much into it, I love my baby too much to not hope it's healthy, I wouldn't love it any less if it's not but who is going to say "I don't care if it's healthy or not I just really want a boy?" 

FeliciaTwo

Upon finishing reading the entry, I totally get her position.  She's saying that KIDS are hurt by overhearing adults saying that.  And I can't help but agree that it would be incredibly hurtful for a child with a disease or condition to overhear an adult saying "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl so long as it's healthy."  Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

ElTrain5

Nobody wants their kids to have to suffer any kind of disability or health problem. We want our kids to have every possible advantage, and for then to be free from pain, judgement and heartache of any kind. And if they aren't free from disability or illness or birth defects, no one is going to love then any less. I just feel like it's a silly thing to say in any circumstance (in particular when people use it as an answer to an entirely different question, like gender). Seriously. Can we just have some kind of sticky about this? Like "Welcome to June 2014, we would all prefer healthy babies, please check out the blog"

aleksandra_irmina

I think everyone who has commented that she is "reading too much into it" or is overly sensitive missed the whole point of the article.

What she's saying is that we need to be aware of our dialaog - she acknowledges that we all "know" that hoping for a healthy baby doesn't mean that you'll love an unhealthy baby less, but it probably impacts on children and youth who hear these things repeatedly and internalize them, affecting their self-worth.

I thought it was an interesting perspective. I know if my child had any type of illness or disability, I would worry about how it makes them feel when people make comments like these

ElTrain5

Aaaaaaand...we can avoid the whole
damn thing just by answering the questions people are asking us. "Do you want a boy or a girl?" "No preference ". End. Of. Friggin. Story. No one is EVER going to ask you if you "want a healthy baby". Problem solved. You are welcome.

MrsAMB07

aleksandra_irmina said:

I think everyone who has commented that she is "reading too much into it" or is overly sensitive missed the whole point of the article. What she's saying is that we need to be aware of our dialaog - she acknowledges that we all "know" that hoping for a healthy baby doesn't mean that you'll love an unhealthy baby less, but it probably impacts on children and youth who hear these things repeatedly and internalize them, affecting their self-worth. I thought it was an interesting perspective. I know if my child had any type of illness or disability, I would worry about how it makes them feel when people make comments like these

I read the article. I think she's reading too much into it.  I think any adult with common sense would be aware of their audience and would be sensitive to children that might hear it and feel badly by such a statement, without an article being written about it.  I don't see people changing their dialogue or sentiment that's meant from that statement, and I think expecting that it not be said is oversensitive and reading too much into it.

Aside from that, when I said that previously, I was responding to the poster's comment about how she'd love her kid no matter what.

Luna C

My aunt has made a similar comment over the years that it bothers her when people says they just hope the baby is healthy, because her son has special needs, and she takes it as "and what if it's not healthy, you'd love it any less?", but that's not how it's intended at all. Wouldn't any parent HOPE for their child to be healthy. It goes without saying the baby wouldn't be loved any less, but who wouldn't hope their child was healthy. I agree that it is reading too much into it, IMO.

***

Exactly. Is there anyone out there who is all, "Meh. Fine by me if the kid is severely handicapped." Of course not! Which is not to say the child is any less loved or wanted if it does have some illness or handicap. But no one wants that for their child (or, presumably, any child). 

Even the author of the original piece says she if she could wave a magic wand and take her child's disabilities away she would. 

Luna C

FeliciaTwo said:

And I can't help but agree that it would be incredibly hurtful for a child with a disease or condition to overhear an adult saying "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl so long as it's healthy."  

A child would only think that if they have learned from their parents that they are not "healthy" or not "normal."

I have several friends who have kids with autism and one with Downs. Those kids don't think there is anything "wrong" with them and would never consider themselves "not healthy." They do however know that they are a little different ... and that that's Ok because everyone is a little different in some ways. 

diagonalley

I think it's a bit much...I agree that those with common sense tend to be aware of the ears around them.  I also don't agree that a lot of kids would be in tune to what that comment means about them.  Some might, but others might be completely oblivious to it.  I think it's a bit of a stretch, honestly.

Sareynoo

I think she's being way over sensitive, who doesn't want a healthy baby? If mine wasn't healthy we still wouldn't terminate no matter what! We wouldn't love it any less! We opted out of blood and amnio testing for that reason and I don't need the stress if anything came back abnormally. I agree with @luna c, the children wouldn't be thinking that way unless their parents told them that they weren't healthy. I grew up with my brother, he has severe autism and he is perfect in every way. We have gone through a lot with him and he is one of the happiest people. There is nothing unhealthy about him.

Susanbeth85

My 2 cents: I totally get what she is saying.  We need to be aware of how that phrase might impact children since adults all understand the intent behind it.  I, however, feel there is a bigger issue here.  My question is: why does that phrase exist? It goes without saying that we all want healthy babies, so why do we say it?

Well, it is usually in response to the question if we want a boy or a girl.  I believe the real issue here is our society's obsession with sex/gender.  People (not just the parents to be) want to know if it is a boy or a girl months before the baby even comes into the world so they can "prepare."  An infant is an infant, regardless of its sex, but people feel this need to know what to expect.  There are all of the old wives tales for us to predict our baby's sex and everyone has to give you their opinion.  As a member of team green, everyone has to guess if I am having  boy or a girl or, better yet, tell me what they think I should have.  It's a lot of pressure for an unborn baby to live up to!  The team names alone drive me crazy.  So, if I am having a girl, everything must be pink? Why are we raising our children to be only half of a complete person?

I wonder if the obsession on an unborn child's sex went away if the phrase "as long as it's healthy" would, too...

Jennifer&Joseph

I say this all of the time. It really is all that I want. My two best friends had premature babies that still have serious health problems at ages one and three. I pray that we don't have to endure the heartbreak that they have had to. Using this phrase has nothing to do with how much I will or won't love my child. I also use it because I don't think it is anyone's business what my husband and I would prefer.
And yes, everyone is a bit obsessed with gender but I can't wait to find out what we are having. Our baby's gender will only be a small part of his/her identity but at least I can stop calling the baby "it." And then maybe I'll be able to more accurately daydream about our experiences to come.
I understand where she is coming from but people have GOT to stop reading so much into these things sometimes.

Edit: grammatical error.

Luna C

Susanbeth85 said:

My question is: why does that phrase exist? It goes without saying that we all want healthy babies, so why do we say it?

A really excellent point. I have used the "as long as its healthy" myself, but usually only when someone is really pressing to know if its a girl or boy.  When I say we really don't have a preference, I've had people almost argue with me, "Oh, but your DH must want a boy, right?"

Some people just won't shut up until you resort to something like the "healthy" line. And frankly, between fatigue and being hormonal, I'm rarely up for the stress of debating the sociological implications of what they're saying with them. 

Ranada209

I thought about this when I got pregnant, I've always heard the saying but instead we said , "we would like a girl but all we are praying for is a healthy baby". Of course we are having another boy and couldn't be more happy.