Has anyone ever questioned how much they want children while on the IF journey?

pblge

**losses mentioned**

Need someone to talk to about this, which means you ladies! (Little scared about posting this, since I'm new here, but y'all seem like an understanding group) I doubt I'm alone here, so I wanted to ask others if they've had these feelings. Since my first m/c I've been actively avoiding children and pregnant women, and I'm wondering if I've been too successful at hardening my heart. Recently I've started to wonder if I really want children badly enough to make all this torture worth it. Sometimes I worry that I'm more focused on succeeding in my goal rather than actually having a baby, especially when I consider how much our lives would change if all this actually worked. This second loss has me wondering if there's a reason (in the cosmic sense) that all this isn't working for us, and that maybe we're not meant to be parents. My OH, on the other hand, has never wavered in his desire for children, and would be an amazing dad.

Has anyone else ever felt like this on this crappy IF journey?

walker14

I hear you on this one.  My husband and I were just talking about this very thing after spending New Years confined in a house with two other couples and their young children for two days (not exactly the most pleasurable experience at times).  I think it's natural to have these thoughts, given that those of us in the IF community are constantly having to ask ourselves what we will go through to have a baby, and must think about when and where we will draw the line if it doesn't happen.  I think that most "normal" people do not have to think so hard about having a baby.  They decide to do it and just do it, and that's the end of it.  Sometimes it makes me feel exhausted thinking about the lengths I'll have to go to to (maybe) have a baby, and then once we (maybe) have the baby, that is the happy ending to our IF journey, but then there is the incredibly hard work of raising a child.  It's also hard to walk that line of committing to having a child, and also trying to mentally prepare yourself if it doesn't work out.  So no, you're not alone in this one.  That doesn't make it any easier though!

Twinkie0612

I think sometimes it's easy to lose track of the end goal when you get wrapped up in the details of treatment.  Sometimes I wonder how I will feel if/when we are successful.  So much of my life the last year + has revolved around infertility testing and treatment.  What will it be like when not to have that in my life?  It's hard for me to imagine.  Even now, it's hard for me to imagine IVF #3 working.  In the back of my mind I am making plans for our next step.

I rarely let myself think about what life would be like without children, because my desire for children has never really wavered. But I've never viewed IVF as torture either.  For me cycling has always given me a sense of moving forward/working toward a goal.

I think my husband has probably thought more along your lines.  He doesn't like seeing me upset, so he questions whether or not we should move forward after a failed cycle, whether or not we can handle any more.  He's the one that has questioned if infertility is a sign that we shouldn't be parents.  I don't see a infertility as a sign, just bad luck in the genetic lottery.

Praying4Miracle17

I'm sorry for your losses.  I've felt the same, other it's not do I really want children, it's do I really want biological children.  I've been doing a lot of waiting in 2013 with only one FET attempt (other than two cancellations and a freeze all) and I'm just beginning to wonder if it's worth it.  I know I definitely want children but haven't been able to totally jump on the adoption bus (DH wants to b/c he hates seeing what these drugs do to me).  Also, having to pay OOP for everything also makes me want to quit and buy that new house and car that we want.  I hate having to delay other dreams to get this one.  You are definitely not alone on questioning what you really want with your life.  Good luck.

BRaven985

Your comment about being more focused on succeeding in the goal rather than having the baby TOTALLY hit home for me. I have commented to DH before that I am not sure I will know when to throw in the towel because I will be so concerned with failing.  Obviously my desire to have a baby is what brought me into this crazy process....but I feel like I have become somewhat robotic....and that is where I lose focus.  I also do think about "what is meant to be" and every time I hit a bump I would think about whether or not that was sign to stop....but then I would just convince myself that it is just the world testing my dedication....and I would keep pushing on.  I am not sure how many tests I am supposed to push through before saying no more.  That is the constant question in my head....how far to go???  When to start living the other parts of my life again???  Not sure any of this rambling actually has a point other than you are most certainly not alone.  The things that go through my head from day to day are fascinating even to me. 

happygirl1013

YES!!!  Sometimes I have to step back and say, is this really what I want?  I feel like we've been on this journey for so long, that I forgot what we're working towards.  Thanks for posting this, it makes me feel a little less crazy for feeling like this sometimes.

MrsC430

 OP, I'm very sorry for your losses.

 All of these comments have hit home for me. I'm relieved to see that I'm not alone - though I'm bummed others are feeling this way too. I feel like DH and I were very naive when we first started treatment, and not mentally prepared at all for repeat failures. We have good days and bad days, but overall we're starting to get that "why are we living our lives this way?" feeling. Sending hugs to all of you

ekc0630

Yes!  Debating about this now.  I would love to have a child.  But then I listen to my friends talking about having to get up in the middle of the night because the kids are crying and I think about how nice it is to sleep through the night.  There is nothing in this world I want more than having a child but at what cost.  We have already put thousands of dollars into IF this IVF will be our last.

princessisadora

I have felt this way as well. I have questioned how far I would go for a bio baby. I am only in the beginning of IF treatments but have been in this IF rollercoaster for 2 years now. I have told DH that I want to be a mother, having our own biological child would be amazing even more than that I have no words to describe what it would be, but if and when we decide to go for IVF once again it doesn't happen I will strongly pursue adoption. Like I said before I want to be a mother, I don't necessarily need to be pregnant to become one.

vpine

I was just saying to my friend at lunch today how I wonder 'what if God doesn't want me to get pregnant?' and 'what if it's not meant for me to get pregnant at all?' and 'what if I can have children but just not with my husband?' and 'what if my husband can get someone else pregnant but not me?' so yes - your thoughts are normal.

keziah23

Yeah, I do. We are 39 years old, we know its going to be hard. I think we get so bogged down in the details and the always waiting on the next thing that the end goal is hard to see. It always seems like a moving target, one more thing, one more thing, one more thing. The finish line movies. We are getting ready to start our second cycle and I was reflecting today as going to the doctor that the emotional and mental burden of this stuff gets so heavy its hard to be optimistic.  

katib77

Going through this loss I can say two thing: when I was pg I was thinking of more than just getting pg and the baby stage. I had thoughts of first birthdays and trick or treating, of kindergarten and first dates. Maybe because allmy nephews are now 6-14 that I was llooking at all they're doing and how I'd get to live that. So no, I have a lot more than just the result of getting pg.

However we have not yet decided if we will do another IVF or live CFNBC because it will be all oop and we had previously said we'd only do the one IVF. But now we're leaning to one more try.

But I've tried to spend this week thinking of life CF and how we could still have a wonderful life. So in that reapect we've started at least coming to terms with it. It's not what you asked but in a round about way I feel accepting CF is a similar thought. Hope that makes sense.

FloridaSun82

I probably can't count how many times I've questioned whether or not G-d wants me to have a baby. Some days, I feel guilty for doing IVF and not looking more seriously into adoption. Other days, I feel guilty that I can't provide my DH with FREE biological children like the rest of the women in the world can (we're 100% OOP), and other times I wonder how our life would be if we never had kids. The perks of not having children are really evident when going through this process - we'll have more money, can take great vacations, can have nice cars, and all that good stuff. BUT, at the end of the day, I want the birthday parties, family vacations, snuggles, and all of the other wonderful things that come along with having a family. I know in my heart that we WILL have a baby and this will all be worth it.

pblge

Thanks to all ladies who have replied so far. It makes me feel a lot better to know I'm not the only one who loses sight of the goal from time to time. I know we're going to do another IVF, but after that I'm not sure I can take this anymore. I can barely remember what it feels like to not have my life dominated by this, but I do know I used to be more fun, happier, and more productive at work.

walker14 said:

I think that most "normal" people do not have to think so hard about having a baby.  They decide to do it and just do it, and that's the end of it.  ...  It's also hard to walk that line of committing to having a child, and also trying to mentally prepare yourself if it doesn't work out. 

THIS!!! Exactly! I was totally into kids when we first started, but in order to manage the emotional difficulty of IF and the losses I really had to distance myself. I feel like I fell off that tightrope at some point. It really feels like the rest of my life is on hold as we go through all these cycles, and the CF life starts to look better and better.

Margritli

::raises hand high::

It's getting really bad with me. I am to the point where I have pretty much convinced that I do not want kids and am just waiting for IVF to be over, so that I can resume my life. I realise that sounds horrible, but I am just so tired of TTC and don't believe in it anymore. DH just thinks that I am trying to protect myself from the heartbreak. I am not sure.

BeckyP005

Its helpful to be to read all the responses. Thanks for posting.

So much of my journey has been waiting. I started with an RE 4/11 and still have not cycles yet. You ladies are so strong and how you keep going is truly amazing. Not sure I could do it.

Lately my age is really bothering me. I will be 46 in May and if this works will have a baby close to 47. I'm torn. I want to give this dream up but I know I will regret not trying. This will be our only cycle. Like @Katibb77 I look into the future with first day of school, watching playing a sport , and school dances. I've watched 2 kids since they were 4 weeks old and I'm still there after 19 years. Whatching them grow up is what I want to do with my child. I tell myself it will be hard but you can live a good happy life being CFNBC. Well I'm trying to convince myself that

Wishing you all the best on your next cycle. All of you. {{HUGS}}

RunCC37

Yes, most of the time I feel like I'm fighting a battle against the IF monster, and completely lose sight of why we are doing this. I think it is a defense mechanism... It's just too hard to admit that there could be no baby at the end of this. Every now and then, when I feel a glimmer of hope, I can envision my life with children. It is hardly ever a vision of an infant, more often it is a vision of them a bit more grown up. I don't know what that means, but I guess I'm thinking more long term. Also, I feel like I can't see myself actually pregnant anymore. This news, if it ever comes, will be genuinely shocking to me. Which makes me sad.

HeatherHam10

I questioned this all the time throughout this whole IF journey because the pain would just get so unbearable and a person can only deal with so much heartache...you are only human.

singingirl96

Yes, all the time!

After years of disappointment after disappointment, I started to wonder when enough was enough...  As the diagnosis kept getting worse our hope would dwindle and we got to a point (several times) when we discussed it... how badly do we really want this?  Is it worth the aggravation?  treatments? money?

With each failed attempt,  surgeries (i had 2, he had 1) and then unsuccessful donor conceptions.... we really questioned ourselves.

But then our son arrived 8 years into our IF journey, and it made the entire journey worth it.

So don't give up.  In the end, you'll be happy you went through it because it has made you a better person and you'll love your children that much more.   There isn't one day that goes by that I don't thank God for my children.