Never thought I'd post one of these: MIL Vent

haltandsalute

So, I'd like to preface this by saying that I love my MIL (and all my ILs).  I seriously hit the jackpot with these people.   She is nothing but wonderful to all her DILs and I couldn't ask for more.

However.

Last week, when we announced to them we are having a boy, she brought up a shower.  She said that her friends wanted to throw me one (the same ones who threw me a wedding shower 6 years ago), but that she was uncomfortable with the idea of inviting a bunch of "the grandmothers" friends, especially since two of my good friends have offered to throw me one already.  My thought was to just combine the two, and not have a giant guest list, but rather the closest girls of my friends and hers and call it good.  She said she would rather her friends who are offering the shower to just go in together and get a hostess type (read: big) gift instead.

Befuddled and not one to ever rock the boat...I said okay!  Truth be told...my feelers are a little bit hurt!  It's not at all about being showered with gifts, it's that she has turned down such a nice offer on my behalf without a thought about how that feels to me.  It's the first grandchild on both sides, and everyone is ecstatic.  It's just odd.

The other part of the equation that stings a little bit is that my SIL is from the same hometown as these folks, and the women who have graciously offered to throw said shower don't even know me very well, but SIL grew up with their daughters, so you know that when the time comes they are going to throw her one and MIL won't discourage it.

And ironically, MIL is hosting a wedding shower with these same women for another of the hometown girls this month.  I am invited to the wedding, but couldn't pick the bride out of a lineup.  I am invited (or pressured) to attend this shower, and while out with MIL and SILs yesterday we were escorted to a shop where bride is registered so that we could purchase a lovely piece of McKenzie Childs servingware this gal registered for.  I'm failing to see how this is any more okay than what her friends want to do, and she's one of the freaking hostesses!

Sigh.  I know I'm coming across badly.  Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive. It really ISN'T about the gifts...DH and I are more than able to buy whatever we need, and I'll still have a shower in my hometown thrown by my mom's friends, and the one in my current town thrown by my friends.  I just feel a little down that MIL just shut it down like that.

Trivial I know, but I feel better getting it off my chest.  Thanks for reading.   

For clarification:  I realize that my feelings are hurt because MIL pretty much told me, "I don't want them to throw a shower for YOU."  Not that I am not getting a shower.  I do not want the shower.  I realize I am acting like a petulant child.

MamaLlama14

I'm sorry for my skimming b/c DS is climbing all over me like a jungle gym at the moment, but- it sounds like you don't really know these women well? If that's the case, I'd decline the shower.  If MIL wants to invite them to your shower as her guests, although still a little awkward when you don't know the guest of honor well, it would be more appropriate than having them host for you.  My mom and MIL both invited a few friends to my showers that I didn't know all that well, but it was their way of sharing in the excitement of a new grandchild.  I wouldn't oppose that, but having them host it for me would be weird.

haltandsalute

Oh that's what my suggestion was!  I probably didn't spell that out very well... but I figured just invite the few of them that want to throw the shower plus the female relatives in the area that would have been invited to it to the one my friends were going to throw.  Two birds, one stone and all that.  I got shut down.

I can't decline the shower.  MIL already did it before the invite got to me.  

aforst

I get where you are coming from, but I think you just need to let it go.  I mean, I don't really get what the huge deal is.  Let them throw you a shower, be grateful for the effort and the gift and move on to your other showers. 

When I was pg w/ DS1 my mom threw a shower with some of her friends that I have known since I was a child and all my friends.  Instead of DH's family coming to that one, they insisted on throwing me a separate one with a bunch of DH's extended family that I had never met before.  It wasn't exactly how I would have planned it, but I appreciated their thoughtfulness and the gifts were nice to receive. 

haltandsalute

I think you're missing the point.

I have let it go.  They are not throwing me a shower or being invited to another because MIL didn't want them to be.

It was really just a vent that my feelers were a bit bruised that MIL didn't even want any of her friends invited or included, when they vocalized that they wanted to be.  Perhaps her friends are the one who should be butthurt.

aforst

rioandrooney said:

I think you're missing the point.

I have let it go.  They are not throwing me a shower or being invited to another because MIL didn't want them to be.

It was really just a vent that my feelers were a bit bruised that MIL didn't even want any of her friends invited or included, when they vocalized that they wanted to be.  Perhaps her friends are the one who should be butthurt.

I don't think I'm totally missing the point.  Your MIL doesn't want to invite her friends (who you admit to not knowing very well) to a shower thrown by your mom or your friends.  However, they are still offering to give you a big gift. 

I still fail to see how this should hurt your feelings.  Why do you care if they are at your shower if you don't know them very well?  You are still getting a gift, so I guess I don't see what difference it makes.  You are still getting 2 showers.  What is the problem here? The only one I can see is that you are hurt that they will probably throw your SIL (who they know well) a shower and not you. 

oscarwao

I would be thankful you can afford everything you need for baby. If that's the case I wouldn't worry too much about a shower? I know DH and I are going to struggle with baby purchases - we can afford bare necessities obviously but there isn't much wiggle room.

If it makes you feel any better no one in my DHs family came to my bridal shower in a city two hours away. My DH felt gipped by the fact that his family participated in so little (other than the wedding my family paid for entirely) and expressed his interest to my MIL that it might be nice to do something in town (just get together for family time, NOT asking for a shower) since we assume no one will make it to the baby shower. My MILs repose was "well that not our responsibility" and as much as it hurt my feelings for my poor DH I can't really contest that.

Sorry to go off on a tangent.

Tnpeach

I get you, momma. I don't know how I would feel in your situation.

haltandsalute

Thank you for all of your responses... I feel like I was not at all clear in my OP.

Here's what I was trying to say...I think I just feel sad that MIL pretty much told me, "I don't want them to throw a shower for YOU."  Not that I actually want the shower.

As for the bride to be thing... actually the more I think about it the more irritated I get.  I don't know the girl from Adam (or Eve??), and I'm expected to attend and buy her a shower gift because MIL is one of the hostesses of the shower.  How does that make any sense?  And bride to be's mother is one who wants to throw my shower.  

And the women who want to throw the shower do know me, and threw me a wedding shower. MIL had no problem with it then.  It's inviting a bunch of other people to a shower thrown by them that doesn't sit well with her.  

I am seriously  making myself look like an ass.  Perhaps I should let this die.  Ha.  I know I'm being irrational with my feelings.  Can't help it.  Grumble grumble.  For the record, I would NEVER voice any of this out loud to MIL or anyone else (well, except for DH, who agrees with me, BTW).  Just had to get it off my chest.  Even if others think I'm totally in the wrong.  Which I may be. 

Miles2Go

OP, I understand what you're saying. You're feeling slighted by MIL turning it down without talking to you, even though you probably would have turned it down anyway. I would be irrationally upset in your situation, too. I don't think you're looking like an ass here.

aforst

I think you're entitled to be upset, I just wouldn't linger on it too much.  It sounds like you are going to have two really nice showers. 

I would also be annoyed about the bride thing. 

Tkhixen

I have one question...did that bride get invited to your shower/wedding, attend, and bring a present with her? I would not feel obligated to go to my MIL's friends daughters shower whom I have never met...

Edited to add- I would have felt weird at my own shower if some random chick who was my MIL's friends daughter was there....super weird.  It was weird enough having her friends there that I barely know...

haltandsalute

Tkhixen said:

I have one question...did that bride get invited to your shower/wedding, attend, and bring a present with her? I would not feel obligated to go to my MIL's friends daughters shower whom I have never met...

Edited to add- I would have felt weird at my own shower if some random chick who was my MIL's friends daughter was there....super weird.  It was weird enough having her friends there that I barely know...

I do not recall her being invited separately.  If she came, she would have been on the one invitation her family received (The "Smith" Family), as she would have been young enough to still be living at home, single and not warrant her own invitation.  Therefore she would not have brought a gift.

It's just so strange.  

danabsd

A shower is for gifts.  The point is to literally be showered with gifts.  And the people who should be invited are the grandparents friends. Why? They likley have deeper pockets than your friends.

I think you have every right to be upset, I would be.  

Jillzy86

OP I understand what your saying. I asked my cousin who is throwing my shower if we could just do one big shower with both my dad side, my moms side and some friends. I would have been bummed if she said no. I wonder if your MIL was afraid to tell her friends no to throwing you a shower, in fear of sounding rude ( witch I don't think it would be) but you never know how others can take things. I think at this point you just have to go with flow and be blessed that you will have three showers instead of two.