I think we may go to war with my MIL.

wtfisup

Title only slightly dramatic. 

Background: Since before getting pregnant, my husband and I have been worried about how my MIL's body/image issues would be present in our potential child's life. Husband and I are both progressive, feminist folks who want to raise a kid to be aware and critical of social conventions, to find happiness, blah blah. My MIL had two sons, both of whom grew up with disordered eating and a lot of body hatred. For a brief overview: 

• When my husband was 23, his mother would grab his stomach in public and say, "If you can pinch an inch, it's too much." Half joking, but not really. At the time, he had a 29 inch waist and was six feet tall. 
• Since I've known him, she's been trying to get my husband to get a nose job. (He has a strong nose that reflects his heritage; it's beautiful on him.) 
• She has been coaching her youngest son to lose weight ALWAYS. 
• Her youngest son struggles. A lot. Once we went to visit him, then her. She was remarking on how wonderfully skinny he was and we said, "We're really worried. He's only eating one meal a day of about 500 calories." She replied, "That's not good, but he looks great!" 
• She routinely offers to pay for her youngest son to get liposuction in order to "just trim away the little bit that's left." 
• She comments on EVERYONE'S body/appearance. If she mentions a woman, any woman ever, she comments on whether she's beautiful or fat or whatever.

Fast forward to Christmas day, and she began talking about "how fat" a celebrity singer was. Her sons both said, "You can't say that stuff in front of the baby when she gets here. She can't be exposed to that kind of fat-shaming." MIL FREAKED OUT. Got super defensive. Said, "So if someone's ugly you can't say that? Or if they're fat? People are those things." Then acted pouty and kept making jokes about how sensitive we are. 

So the deal is, her personality won't change. She has a lifetime of narcissism and deeply internalized body issues herself. We have to accept that. But we also want to protect our child from that influence. Above and beyond all. My husband and his brother have talked at length about how damaging it was for them to grow up with her. BUT, that aside, she's an incredibly generous person, and this is her first/only grandkid. 

The seemingly simple solution is just to "talk to her." Which would work, if she were rational. But again -- super narcissist. Everything is about her. She refuses to accept that she has impacted her kids negatively in any way, becomes hyperdefensive, and attacks them. Then cries, tells everyone how hurt she is, and creates an entire scene where everyone is trying to comfort her. 

It's just exhausting to see these battles beginning. She's been a domineering presence in our life for a long time, but we both draw the line at our child. She already tries to sway our decisions (not working). I want to focus on my kid, not her. 

bebemac

Yikes. Keep her far, far away from your LO!

Mrs.C.V.

I hope someone has a better idea but I think distance might be the only solution..

shellbell813

Especially if you have a little girl... watch out. I would definitely make sure to have conversations with the child on a normal basis about his/her body and how perfect it is just the way it is. Although it will probably be impossible to completely keep her away or even monitor her interactions at all times, you can be proactive and reactive with the situation. You might suggest counseling as well for your MIL. Sounds like she's got some issues. Maybe that could be a condition ya'll set for her to get to hang out with your kid. 

elittler

Do you think it's time for an ultimatum?

christinemurray91

We had to go to war with my MIL when I was pregnant with my first. 

MIL was an alcoholic and I was afraid to have that around my daughter  (which is possibly less damaging than what your MIL is doing imo). I just decided enough was enough. I knew she wouldn't take it well at all, so I talked to my FIL and said that we werent comfortable having her around my daughter until she got her drinking in hand.

A huge drama ensued, and we still weren't on great terms by the time baby was born. It wasn't until DD was about 6 months old that she finally got it, and now she knows to limit herself.

You may not have a FIL to go to, but you do need to at least say something to her And say in nor uncertain terms that she will not see her grandchild if she won't keep those things to herself. End. Of. Story.

She WILL lose her shit. She will throw tantrums and try to make you out to be the bad guy  (mine sure as hell did). 

But, she'll eventually come around. It took till DD was 6 Months Old to start seeing her regularly, till DD was 1.5 for her to babysit and now, with DD 2 yo, she just had her first overnight visit. We're just now on good terms where we aren't Tense in the same room.

It was hell. But 100% necessary.

MNOpea

How much time do you spend with your MIL? I would seriously set some ground rules, knowing that you can't change everything but making sure she 1. Never comments on the babies appearance, or yours, or your dh's etc. especially not to or in front of the baby. But from there I feel like you may just have to take the stance that you are your child's primary influence. What a sad situation

hjl050308

My MIL talks horribly about everyone, family, friends, strangers, etc. it's nothing about weight but just horrible things. Once she told me how she "hates" her one grandson, while he was in the next room. She talks horribly but when is called on her bullshit, she plays the victim. I had decided that I didn't want my children exposed to that type of person and behaviors. My husband and I talked it over for months and each time we were with her it got worse. He finally identified it as an issue with her, she denied it, how I'm an overly sensitive "princess" and he basically said to think about it and call him when she was ready to act right in front of our son (only had 1 at the time), she never called back. 3 years passed and my husband called her. She still hasn't changed. The point to my long story, distance may be what she needs to wake her up. It didn't work with us but that's fine with me because she's BSC.

sjn00

Oh jeez... As someone who has battled an eating disorder since I was 15, I would keep your daughter away from her unless she has a CLEAR understanding that you WILL NOT tolerate that kind of talk to her. This isn't some typical bad mouthing, this could potentially be a cause of your daughter having serious body image isues that could lead to a lot of mental health issues. I for one, would not purposfully put my kids through that, I don't care who the person is. I have had a lot of mental abuse growing up and my child will have no contact with those people because of the way they treated me. I want my kids to know better than what I knew. If seeing her only grandbaby is important to her. She will make the necissary changes so that crap like that will not be said around or especially to your kid. Other wise, I see no reason for her to be apart of your kids lives.

LovetoLive614

Sounds like a real nut job. I am not really sure how to deal with her, I can't begin to comprehend that kind of crazy. It is sad. But unfortunately, she will not be the only person who behaves like that which your daughter will encounter. I hope after your daughter is born she will change her ways but if nothing else, maybe you will be able to use the situation to teach your child to be true to herself, not listen to outside negative influences and stand up for what she believes in. 

k2k2tog

Her viewpoint certainly sucks, but how much time do you expect the baby will spend with her? Unless she's going to be caring for the baby daily for hours at a time, utimately, you are going to influence your child far more than your MIL will. You will even influence the way your child sees your MIL's views. If you build your child up and help him or her develop a strong body image, i don't think your MIL's body image issues are likely to affect him or her.

Mindyvl

So the deal is, her personality won't change. She has a lifetime of narcissism and deeply internalized body issues herself. We have to accept that. But we also want to protect our child from that influence. Above and beyond all. My husband and his brother have talked at length about how damaging it was for them to grow up with her. BUT, that aside, she's an incredibly generous person, and this is her first/only grandkid. 

The seemingly simple solution is just to "talk to her." Which would work, if she were rational. But again -- super narcissist. Everything is about her. She refuses to accept that she has impacted her kids negatively in any way, becomes hyperdefensive, and attacks them. Then cries, tells everyone how hurt she is, and creates an entire scene where everyone is trying to comfort her. 

I could say exactly this of my MIL, though under completely different terms.  My MIL has Borderline Personality Disorder, though she refuses any kind of psychiatric help.  She has constant paranoid delusions, she is forever the victim, persecuted, and always blameless. (Additionally, both she and FIL are racist, homophobic, intolerant, habitually closed minded people).  While we understand that she is truly mentally ill, it makes it no easier to deal with.  

She parented by guilt and shame. She continues to have regular meltdowns over literally nothing, creating drama just for the sake of attention.

 

We have major concerns about her future relationship with our children.  We have talked until we are blue in the face about the specific situations that have come up over the years. She remembers nothing from previous situations, except for how everyone else has mistreated her.  Though she causes virtually problem in her own life.

For now, we've decided to address things as they come up.  Both she and FIL have (kind of) learned not to bring up their racist, intolerant ideas in front of us. Though, their views are far from hidden.  

DH and I both know a day may come when we have to cut off contact, even for a time.  Maybe that would be enough for them to finally seek some help.  

bebemac

sempre_staccato said:

If you build your child up and help him or her develop a strong body image, i don't think your MIL's body image issues are likely to affect him or her.

Unfortunately, sometimes all it takes is a single negative comment to set off a downward spiral of years of suffering.

Luna C

The answer is simple (in theory) but tough to execute: Once the baby is old enough to start understanding what crazy grandma is saying, give her one solid warning that if she says anything about weight or appearance the visit is over. 

Then follow through. No drama or confrontation just, get up, say your goodbyes and head home. (Or, if she's at your place, tell her thanks for coming and walk her to the door.)

Hopefully she decides seeing the baby is more important than spewing the toxicity. If not, that's on her. 

I don't have to deal with anything nearly this bad, but I do know where you're coming from. My MIL (who I try to cut a lot of slack lately, because she is going through a living hell right now) always comments on people's weights too. 

She has mentioned the last two times we saw her how proud she was that she only gained 10 pounds total when she was pregnant with the Dude. ("People at work didn't believe I was pregnant. They actually called my sister to double check!") I feel like she's judging every morsel I put in my mouth. And even though I know those issues are hers (and super fucked up) it's really hard to not let it affect you. You guys really need to find a way to shield the baby from that as much as possible. If tough love is what it takes, then so be it -- that's my philosophy anyway. 

obscurereference

Do you live close to your MIL? I have serious issues with my in-laws as well but have decided that since we live relatively far from them, they will not be a major influence in our children's lives and it's not worth it to rock the boat. I plan on having conversations with our children about the way the in-laws act.

If you live close I don't really have any good advice, but it sounds unlikely that your MIL will be willing to change for her grandkid.

k2k2tog

bebemac said:

sempre_staccato said:

If you build your child up and help him or her develop a strong body image, i don't think your MIL's body image issues are likely to affect him or her.

Unfortunately, sometimes all it takes is a single negative comment to set off a downward spiral of years of suffering.

I disagree. It's impossible to go through life without ever receiving or hearing a negative comment. Body image issues are so embedded in our society. We can't shield or children from all of them but we can teach them how to handle them and to love themselves despite what they may hear from the world - including their grandparents.

I know that mental health issues are fully entwined with body image issues, and I recognize the suffering many go through fighting against it. But balance is possible, and I think finding that balance starts with the values and attitudes parents pass on to their children.

wtfisup

Luckily, MIL is 2.5 hours away, so not close. At the same time, brief contact with her has been enough to make me feel miserable and hideous over the years, and I'm a strong, educated adult.

I think it will take lots of reinforced behavior, I.e. Us calling her out, modeling positive behavior, etc. I just am frustrated at having to moderate her.

I wish it were okay to just flip out. To scream at her. To tell her both her sons are in therapy trying to undo her work.

Mum grateful, though, that my daughter will have both an uncle and a dad who are so willing to go to battle for her. I will too, but I think it's important for girls to hear men invalidate those expectations.

bumpuser9343355

Maybe you could tell her she will only be allowed to be around your kid if she agrees to some counseling.  If she is a true narcissist, talking to her about it most likely won't do anything.  It sounds like she could use some professional help for her issues and if you could all go as a family, maybe it would help her see how she has affected her kids.

emandjp

It's a tough situation but the answer will come naturally. I am a mostly shy person but when it comes to my daughter, I have no problem going out of my comfort zone. You will do whatever it takes to protect your child in any kind of potentially harmful situation (emotional or physical).

What PP said is sadly very true, one comment can cause years of damage, I've seen it happen. You can't control what she says to her own children but you certainly can control what she says to yours.

bebemac

joules235 said:

I also think it would be reasonable for your DH and BIL to confront her and say how her behavior has impacted their lives, maybe in a family counseling session.

I think this is a great idea, especially in a safe environment such as a family counseling session.

wtfisup

Family counseling would be a nightmare. MIL and FIL are not bad people, but they have the emotional maturity of shoeboxes. The three of us (me, H, BIL) are all pretty empathetic communicative adults who tried everything. After one of her lipo comments, my BIL said, "It hurts my feelings when you say that," as sincerely as possible. She angrily flipped around and said, "Well it hurts MY FEELINGS worse when you tell me that! Don't you care about anyone?" Then cried. She cannot hear words that aren't praise.

bebemac

Well this is definitely a difficult situation. What are your initial thoughts about how you might handle it, @wtfisup? Given the gravity and the many attempts it sounds like you have already made to address the situation, I think what I would do is simply ban her from seeing my child.

Read247

Give her one of these...

Sounds like you've got it under control. Be consistent. It's key when training any bitch. Having your male relatives to counteract her negativity is an excellent idea.

maggiexxx

We don't really have contact with my MIL BC she is 8 hours away but I finally have a story yo add. Over Christmas my dh papaw sent all his grandkids 500 dollars. Well he sent our check to my MIL BC he didn't have our new address.(we just moved out of state for husbands job) so I find out about this and ask my husbands aunt to find out why she didn't send it band she told her that she wasn't send us the money BC we moved away and didn't call her!! She is a crazy bitch. She has only seen my dd like 6 times and she is almost 6 and has NEVER seen my DS who is 2. Never called us nothing. I have been married for almost 8 years and she still thinks I stole her baby boy from her. Whore.skank.slut....OK I feel better thanks ladies.

Unknown

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PinkKEL9

Yikes! She sounds a bit crazy. I have a similar (sorta) problem with my FIL. He is a VERY negative person and always trys to put DH down. He makes hurtful comments that he thinks are funny. He has made me and DH cry on several occasions. Actually, they day we told them we were pregnant with their first grandchild he made comments that hurt so much that DH swore a him and hung up the phone and threw it across the room. The man is really mean. 

I am really not looking forward to having the baby around him. Thankfully, they live several states away and we probably won't see them but maybe once or twice a year, but still. I don't really know what to do about that either...

wtfisup

Why can't family not suck?

MrsCase1

I have a similar IL issue. My husband will simply say, "That is unacceptable to say in front of my child because________." Then we simply move on. We don't dwell, we don't debate. We are just matter-of-fact. Initially there was some hemming and hawing but not so much now.

katekat8721

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said... good luck girl!

redcloverbaby

Wow. I dont deal with that...but my own mother is super religious. My husband and I are Unitarians and I'm a professing Druid. I do not ever comment on what my mother says religiously to my children....but I do work very hard at helping them understand acceptance and personal opinion.

Maybe you should try and teach your child from an early age that everyone is beautiful and push that a lot especially after seeing Grandma. Show them videos and articles and books about proper body imagine often but more frequently after a trip to grandma.

Letting children know that personal opinion is just that...a personal opinion....will help them make the right decision down the road.

So sorry and hope things get better;-)

2blessingsin1

I don't think either of you are wrong in standing your ground. I agree that your LO does not need to be exposed to that type of criticing. I grew up with it from my mom and grandmother. My oldest son is far from being over weight, but my grandmother and his dad are very hard on him about his weight. I jus reassure him that he is OK, that he is still growing. I struggled with eating disorders ... and even in pregnancy I have to remind myself I must eat and I.must gain. It is what is best for the babies. So I would say stand by your decision, if you MIL gets pouty, tell her this is beyond her parenting boundaries.

AbigailRebecca0711

SaraJoy00 said:

Oh jeez... As someone who has battled an eating disorder since I was 15, I would keep your daughter away from her unless she has a CLEAR understanding that you WILL NOT tolerate that kind of talk to her. This isn't some typical bad mouthing, this could potentially be a cause of your daughter having serious body image isues that could lead to a lot of mental health issues. I for one, would not purposfully put my kids through that, I don't care who the person is. I have had a lot of mental abuse growing up and my child will have no contact with those people because of the way they treated me. I want my kids to know better than what I knew. If seeing her only grandbaby is important to her. She will make the necissary changes so that crap like that will not be said around or especially to your kid. Other wise, I see no reason for her to be apart of your kids lives.

I can relate here , my nanny has always been like this with me which is one reason why I have battled with eating disorders , you in your heart know what to do . Personally I wouldn't want my child around someone like that but yet again she may change when LO gets here, babies do strange things to people. Hope all gets sorted hun xx

Katieluc106

Mindyvl said:

So the deal is, her personality won't change. She has a lifetime of narcissism and deeply internalized body issues herself. We have to accept that. But we also want to protect our child from that influence. Above and beyond all. My husband and his brother have talked at length about how damaging it was for them to grow up with her. BUT, that aside, she's an incredibly generous person, and this is her first/only grandkid. 

The seemingly simple solution is just to "talk to her." Which would work, if she were rational. But again -- super narcissist. Everything is about her. She refuses to accept that she has impacted her kids negatively in any way, becomes hyperdefensive, and attacks them. Then cries, tells everyone how hurt she is, and creates an entire scene where everyone is trying to comfort her. 

I could say exactly this of my MIL, though under completely different terms.  My MIL has Borderline Personality Disorder, though she refuses any kind of psychiatric help.  She has constant paranoid delusions, she is forever the victim, persecuted, and always blameless. (Additionally, both she and FIL are racist, homophobic, intolerant, habitually closed minded people).  While we understand that she is truly mentally ill, it makes it no easier to deal with.  

She parented by guilt and shame. She continues to have regular meltdowns over literally nothing, creating drama just for the sake of attention.

 

We have major concerns about her future relationship with our children.  We have talked until we are blue in the face about the specific situations that have come up over the years. She remembers nothing from previous situations, except for how everyone else has mistreated her.  Though she causes virtually problem in her own life.

For now, we've decided to address things as they come up.  Both she and FIL have (kind of) learned not to bring up their racist, intolerant ideas in front of us. Though, their views are far from hidden.  

DH and I both know a day may come when we have to cut off contact, even for a time.  Maybe that would be enough for them to finally seek some help.  

Id never leave my child alone with her. What a scary situation. Mental health is not something to mess with. Not saying this would happen but to demonstrate the severity of her condition or what it could become reminds me what happened here in mass a while ago.
Long story shot women hospitalized for mental health issues ... 1 year later gets out 2 years go by and she's perfectly fine has been properly treated medicated so forth.... Picks up her nephews from school. Driving down the highway decides to stop and make the kids get out everyone got hit and ultimately died.
I mean this is extreme but it happens.