Pregnant after IF

Help for an outsider

Please let me know and I will delete this if inappropriate.

I have a good friend who is struggling with IF.  She was able to get pg on clomid a couple of months into treatment, but unfortunately lost that pregnancy.  She is now ending her trial of clomid and about to start IUI.

I have been a shoulder for her to lean on, and a set of ears for her to rage to.  I suffered a loss a year prior to her, which is why it is easy for her to come to me. I am so happy to be able to at least do that for her.

DH & I have become pregnant with our 2nd.  We weren't public that we were even thinking of TTC again, so it will likely come as quite a shock.

Please, I am asking for help in telling her.  I know that no matter how I break the news it will hurt, and she deserves no more pain.  How can I lessen the blow as much as possible.  Should it be in person, or via email (to give her a chance to process it privately).  I want to let her know that I won't be offended if she has trouble being happy for me, but I don't want to put words into her mouth.

Help please.

Again, if you would like this removed from this board, I understand.
PgAL (MC@7w 29/10/11 - lost you before we knew we had you)
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Re: Help for an outsider

  • Personally, I think it's thoughtful that you are seeking advice from women in a similar situation as your friend (or who recently were, since the ladies here are pg). I think if a friend of mine had gotten pg when I was struggling, I would have preferred to find out via email so I could process it at my own pace. I would definitely explain that you are emailing it for this very reason, since some people think email is more impersonal. Good luck, and congrats on your pregnancy.

    Me: 42. DH: 46.

    1st Pregnancy: MC, 11/19/00.

    2nd Pregnancy: DS born 04/10/06.

    3rd Pregnancy: CP, 03/11.

    4th Pregnancy: MMC, D&C 11/30/11, Genetic testing revealed Trisomy 4.

    5th Pregnancy: Ectopic, 2 doses of Methotrexate unsuccessful, surgery 4/10/12, right tube removed.

    Tried Letrozole January 2013-July 2013 (including 2 IUIs), all BFN.  After 2 1/2 years of trying for child #2, decided to "give up" after July cycle, based on AMA.

    August 16, 2013:  BFP our first month of "not trying!"  Still in shock.  Beta #1 (14dpo): 183.  Beta #2 (17dpo):  611.  Ultrasound 8/30/13: baby measured 6 weeks, 1 day, heart rate of 118 bpm! 
    Ultrasound 9/13/13:  8 weeks, heart rate of 176!
    Baby is due 4/26/14

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  • Usually when this question comes up most people say to tell over email but I am usually the exception. I don't like when my friends treat me differently because of IF. I don't want them to be scared to share their excitement with me. I prefer them to tell me the way they would if I wasn't struggling with IF. That being said some announcements do hurt more than others depending on the circumstances. That is one reason I have decided not to announce my pregnancy on FB. Who knows who might be strugtlgling out there. But I could always keep it together in front of my friends. I was genuinely happy for everyone even if I was a little jealous.
    I think it is great that you are asking this question. Congratulations and good luck!

     

    IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.
    fall in love with someone Pictures Images and Photos  photo turtlejpg
       

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  • I think if you say pretty much what you said above in the last paragraph it should be good.  Probably in an email...but you know your friend.  Personally, I would rather have an email so I could cry it out in private...and work through the emotions before I saw the person.


    I suggest acknowledging her struggles and that you find it difficult to share the news but you don't want her to hear from another source.

    Congrats on your second!  You sound like a very sensitive friend.
    Exactly this. I would prefer email to cry it out also. Very thoughtful of you to think of her.
    image



    Me 28 DH 30

    After 4+ years TTC

    FET #2 = DS Madden Jeffery <3 July 29, 2014 <3
  • Again, your sensitivity to what she's going through is awesome.  Me?  If it was a close friend, I'd prefer to be told in person, as long as my friend knew (and told me) that it might be difficult to be happy for her at the moment.  It's going to be hard no matter what, and although she wouldn't want anyone else to suffer the pain of IF, it's very hard when everyone else seems to be pg but you.  I think either way you tell her, the fact that you're so open about how it may make her feel will truly make the difference in your friendship.  I'd also let her know, though, that she's welcome to be as much a part of your pg as she wants to be, but if she'd prefer that you not share all the details with her along the way or come to your baby shower (until, of course, she gets HER miracle) you completely understand.  It sounds selfish, but at some point in my 5 years TTC, I finally asked my Facebook friends to just hide their ultrasound posts and pregnancy updates from me for awhile - it was too much.  I finally got to the point of acceptance - I honestly just prayed for God to take my bitterness and jealousy away so that I could be happy for everyone else.
    m/c my Angel Baby in 2000
    IUIs with clomid from 2009-2011   Feb 2011 - Tubal surgery (repair)  Jan 2012 - Tubal surgery (remove)  
    8/13 IVF#1.  Lupron/Follistim protocol - b/g twins born April 1 at 34 +1.  Luckiest woman in the world.
    8/15 FET #1 - transferred 1 thawed embryo - Pregnant with Baby C, it's a girl!  Due April 2016. Pregnancy Ticker  

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    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future"   Jer 29:11
    "All things work together for good to them that love God, who are the called according to His purpose"  Rom 8:28
    "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of salvation unto all who believe"  Rom 1:16
  • And, how silly of me - Congrats on your miracle!!!  I know *I'm* happy for you!  :D
    m/c my Angel Baby in 2000
    IUIs with clomid from 2009-2011   Feb 2011 - Tubal surgery (repair)  Jan 2012 - Tubal surgery (remove)  
    8/13 IVF#1.  Lupron/Follistim protocol - b/g twins born April 1 at 34 +1.  Luckiest woman in the world.
    8/15 FET #1 - transferred 1 thawed embryo - Pregnant with Baby C, it's a girl!  Due April 2016. Pregnancy Ticker  

     Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future"   Jer 29:11
    "All things work together for good to them that love God, who are the called according to His purpose"  Rom 8:28
    "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of salvation unto all who believe"  Rom 1:16
  • Congrats!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

    I think you know your friend best and it’s great that you want to be sensitive.  I know from my experience that the first couple of years I was always okay with a phone call to get the news, but by year 4 and 5 I was begging my friends to send an email.  I think depending on how she is dealing with her journey so far will determine how you should proceed.  It’s painful no matter what, and your extra attention to her feelings will go a long way.

    And don’t ever feel like she has trouble being happy for you.  She will always be happy for you, it’s just that sometimes an infertiles’ sadness for her own situation is stronger than her happiness for others, so it is difficult to show you how happy she is. 

     
    me 33/DH 36
    ttc since 10/2008; d/x: mild MFI, stageII endo
    ~~PAIF/SAIF Welcome~~
    11 IUI’s = 1 m/c (7w4d)
    IVF#1 January 2012 BFN, FET #1 April 2012 BFN
    Surprise BFP October 2012 m/c (7w), Surprise BFP April 2013 m/c (6w4d)
    IVF #2: July 2013, ET 1 embryo 7/18, beta 1 @ 14dp3dt - 757, beta 2 @ 16dp3dt - 1762
    U/S 1 @ 6w4d = 1 little frogger with HB of 118, U/S 2 @ 7w3d measuring right on track with HB of 160
    Stick Frogger Stick! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!   It's a Girl, EDD April 7, 2014

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  • Thank you all for your advice.

    I told her last night, and (while I shouldn't have been surprised because she is that amazing of a person, I was still a little surprised that) right away she was able to congratulate me and say how happy she was for me.  She admitted that she suspected something (MS has been kicking my butt, and I obviously wasn't hiding it as well as I thought I was).

    I'm going to let her decide how "in the know" she wants to be in my pregnancy.  I've never been one to share my pregnancy on facebook (until a couple of weeks after baby is born, when I fill up that joint with baby pics), but thanks for the heads up for that, and other easy to overlook "in your face" venues.

    Thanks again,  and congratulations on all of your pregnancies.  May they be uneventful and as pleasant as possible.
    PgAL (MC@7w 29/10/11 - lost you before we knew we had you)
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