37 wks...My husband doesn't want to have sex with me...any advice?

BrownEyedGal949

Hi all, this is my first post on this board, but I wanted to find out if I can get some advice.  

I'm 23 years old and 37 weeks pregnant with my first, a baby girl.  My pregnancy has made my relationship with my husband have its ups and downs, but we have been able to work through our issues mostly.  My husband is trying hard, especially in the last few months, to take care of our family and I love him to death for it.  However, there is one thing that is bothering me and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if it is pregnancy hormones...he doesn't want to have sex with me. When he does, it's over in less than one minute (I'm not kidding). 

You see, before I was pregnant and during my first and second trimester, we had intercourse all the time (probably at least once daily).  I was fortunate enough not to show anything until my 7th month of pregnancy.  However, once I started showing, our intimacy all but stopped.  We maybe did the deed twice a week...then once a week...and now, not at all.  We went to my 37 week check-up yesterday and the doctor said our baby girl has dropped very low into my pelvic region.  She said that the baby might come soon and I can't wait!  When my husband saw how low the doctor was holding the ultrasound device, he freaked out and told me that we won't be having any intercourse until she comes out because she's 'too close' to the opening.  He's also afraid of my water breaking when we're intimate....I totally understand his fear, especially as first time parents.  

What kind of grinds my gears is that I have caught him watching porn multiple times in the past four months of my pregnancy.  I know that guys normally do this, but it hurts my feelings when he does this instead of being with me.  It makes me feel unloved and unwanted, especially when I'm carrying his baby.  Now, I won't lie, I used to do it also, but I read an article about marriage and decided that I will stop completely to honor my 'private' time with him.  I don't remember the last time I watched it.  I told him about the article I read and that I committed myself to him and nothing else, and I told him I found out he was watching it the first few times and how it made me feel, but then I just kind of gave up and kept it to myself when I found out that nothing was changing.  

He told me tonight about his desire to wait until post-baby to be intimate and it really makes me feel bad.  I already have a sinking body image from gaining weight and everything that comes with pregnancy (heart burn, gas, expanding belly, etc.), even though I keep telling myself that it WILL be worth it when our little princess comes!  I was really tired my first trimester, but ever since my second and third trimester, I have been full of energy!  I try to initiate a lot now too and it just doesn't work I am trying not to be grumpy with him but haven't really had an in-depth talk about it yet with him.  It was just a passing mention when we were eating appetizers before we went to a movie tonight.  Has anyone else gone through the same thing?  Any advice would be helpful! 

Thank you for taking the time to read this post!

marleybarne

Sorry you're going through all that. From what I've heard and read, I think a lot of guys are freaked out about the sex thing while we girls are pregnant. Not all, but some. Combine the fact that some guys literally are afraid of hurting the woman or the baby with emotional fears they might be having, and I think sometimes they freeze up. I think the only way you and your guy can work through it is communication and you both expressing your desires and fears. Maybe you could find some "evidence"-- i.e. articles or other resources that convey that, in most cases, sex is safe in the later months. Or maybe you could get your doctor to talk to your husband and "clear" it for you guys. I hope you can find a way to communicate and that it gets resolved. Best of luck!

bugandbibs

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think you need to let this go. Think about it from the other side, if you were uncomfortable having sex would you want your husband to pressure you? This whole issue will be moot in a few weeks. Try to connect with your husband in other ways, like massages, cuddling, etc...

Shoshana23

I'm also a FTM, and the moment the doctor did an internal exam and said he could feel the baby's head, my husband said no more sex. I think it freaked him out. With that said, he still wants to cuddle and hold hands. Frankly I'm too tired and it's so awkward anyway that I can't even satisfy myself. This is a new time in our lives. If your husband can show you love and intimacy in other ways it's going to be ok. Hang in there!

sunnidazze12

I have no advice, i just wanted to let u know I feel your pain.

momof2buggs

It sounds like he is maybe a little fearful of the fact that there's a baby in there. And not just any baby--HIS baby!! Sometimes men have irrational fears that they can hurt the baby during intercourse. I guess some women do, too. Give it a bit of time after baby, and it should smooth back out. Be sure and give yourself plenty of time to heal up though. And sex will probably be a bit different after baby is born for several reasons-- your body will be different, your breasts may be leaky, also vaginal dryness tends to be a problem because of the shifting levels of hormones in your body. Just read up on it, and be informed and know what to expect. Good luck and try not to get upset about the porn thing. To me, it seems like he is seeking an outlet for his sexual needs, because it seems he is used to a pretty active sex life, prior to the pregnancy.

Soap1

Get a vibrator!

PrimRoseMama

bugandbibs said:

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think you need to let this go. Think about it from the other side, if you were uncomfortable having sex would you want your husband to pressure you? This whole issue will be moot in a few weeks. Try to connect with your husband in other ways, like massages, cuddling, etc...

Agree.

RondackHiker

So you used to watch and enjoy porn, read an article, and stopped?

Don't believe everything you read and don't let one article with one perspective destroy something you enjoyed.

Many couples have very healthy sex lives and watch porn alone or together. Porn isn't cheating and doesn't mean you don't honor your husband. It's a fantasy... Like role playing during sex. As long as you're not banging other people, you're honoring each other.

Even if you don't want to watch any more porn, it isn't fair to ask your husband to change that. Porn used to be okay and likely something that spiced up your sex life... And you read an article and try to tell him it's bad now? That's not fair.

urfh25jp

Hi!  I appreciated reading your posted because I am going through the same thing.  I actually posted on this same topic a few weeks ago because I have had a very easy pregnancy (no sickness, feel myself, still running / spinning and have a ton of energy and above all still want to have sex).

Im almost 28 weeks and I think the last time I had sex with my husband was somewhere around 20 weeks.  I caught him watching porn as well and while that was not the issue - the real problem was that I was totally on board to have sex and yet I felt hurt because he wanted nothing to do with me. 

Not sure what to tell you other than your baby will be here soon and your sex life will recover!  The fact that you still continued to have sex through 7 months is great and I wish i could say the same Best of luck to you!

Kdeanda

I'm 35 weeks and was put on sex restriction twice so far during my pregnancy. One month each time. Recently we got a green light and my husband said it wasn't something he was comfortable with anymore. I talked to him about it and he said he thinks I'm beautiful but just knowing his baby is in there and is dropping lower was a mental block for him. I understood and naturally started crying lol I couldn't stop. I know what he said and I understood, but emotionally all I felt was he no longer wanted to have sex with ME. I started to pull myself together. If it was flipped, I wouldn't want him to guilt me into sex. Plus I'm sure it wouldn't be that great now knowing that's what he's thinking about. I love him and I know he thinks I'm beautiful. We just need to trust we will get our "sexy back" soon enough. This is only temporary.

Giraffealaff

Honestly, some guys just get freaked out. They are afraid of hurting you/the baby, among all sorts of other reasoning. It's more normal than you think. With that being said, you can't expect him to stop being horny altogether. Have you tried other methods of sex aside from penetration? 

DH and I haven't DTD in a few months because of how uncomfortable I have been, we still try to do other things though, and I still take care of myself when needed, as I am sure he has as well. 

It doesn't mean his feelings for you have changed though.

kelli&dave

don't pressure him. if he isn't comfortable, it wont be enjoyable for either of you. cuddle, kiss, massage eachother. get close without sex.

 i realize sometimes it is torture. i had my son 10 weeks ago, and during the first 6 weeks it killed me to know that i wasn't able to have sex. that being said, when we did finally do it, even though it was kinda painful, even though i felt the opposite of "sexy", and even though we had to be conscious of the sleeping baby in the next room, it. was. awesome. i'm talking, better than prepregnancy sex. anticipation really does enhance things. be patient, mama.

bingbongsmama

Try not to take it personally. He sounds like a concerned dad and these sort of fears are super common in dad-to-be. It's not that he isn't attracted to you, he's just worried about the baby.

heddy12

I just wanted to say that I understand how you're feeling because I'm in the same situation.  It can feel hurtful, especially when you are already dealing with all of these emotional and physical changes.  I haven't "caught" him watching porn, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the urges need to be met somehow.  But it doesn't mean he doesn't care.  Maybe just try to have a heart-to-heart talk about how you're feeling (maybe more vulnerable/insecure than usual considering all of the changes going on with your body).  If you're having those feelings inside, they most likely will show up in a passive aggressive way without you even realizing you're doing it (I'm just speaking from my own experience!).  Hang in there and good luck with everything!  :0)