What just happened?

Betty769

I've been lurking this board for almost a week now, getting teary at all the sad stories just like mine. I admire the strength and resilience of the ladies on this board. Your posts helped me get through the worst of this awful experience and I thought maybe it's time to weigh in and share mine. Maybe it'll help someone else out there. I was just over 10 weeks pregnant last week when I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night with a sense of dread. I felt really feverish and I felt a gush of fluid. I rushed to the bathroom and found, to my relief, it was totally clear fluid. When I went back to bed I realized for the first time my breasts were totally different than before. No tenderness, and they seemed to have shrunk in my sleep. I had pinkish discharge for days and my doctor assured me he wasn't worried. Then suddenly on Friday I was at work and it started getting more brown, then it turned to blood. I panicked and called the midwife, who told me it was likely a miscarriage and my doctor told me 50% of bleeding can be miscarriage and the other half the baby is just fine. As much as I wanted to believe that, I just had this awful feeling. The doc scheduled me in first thing Monday morning and told me to take a blood test on the weekend. The next day, Saturday, on the phone with my SIL, who has had 2 mc's, she told me what worried her most was my sense of dread. Or female intuition is so powerful. Another friend urged me to stay positive since she knows many women who had bleeding and cramps and went on to have healthy babies. I tried so hard to think positive but deep down I just knew. By Sunday the bleeding and clots came on full force so my husband and I went to the ER where the doctor gently told us we were miscarrying. Blood tests confirmed my hcg levels were too low. Monday morning in my doc's office, they had fallen more. We never had an ultrasound during the pregnancy. That was supposed to be this Friday. I don't know if that made it harder or easier, not to have a memory of this baby. The worst part of this whole experience - i kept worrying what if I see the baby come out of me? Will I be traumatized for life? Well at the ultrasound clinic just before we went in, I felt a huge gush and out it was. I didn't see anything but blood. I don't know why I even tried to look. At the ultrasound there was no sign of anything. I had passed most of it. The doc told me my body was really efficient and 90% was gone. I'm really struggling. I haven't been back at work. My husband and I have been crying so much but he's trying to be sweet and make me laugh. But we're in such a dark place right now. We want to try again soon but we're also so scared. This was our first pregnancy and we already had a nickname for the baby and felt so close to it. I keep going back and forth between reminding myself that maybe it never had a heartbeat..we never saw an image....and that it would never have survived because it wasn't meant to be. But then I think that even the abstract idea of a baby is enough to make it equivalent to losing someone you love dearly. I wish I could talk to my mom but she's on holidays. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do with myself. Can't get out of bed. Can't go to work. And dreading the inevitable "what happened" questions when I get back. People are cruel. They ask me all the time if I'm pregnant or when we're going to have a baby and now their suspicions are just going to intensify. I may just snap if someone asks me that. We told our families at 8 weeks by having out puppy bring them a teddy bear with a sign "I'm gonna be a big brother". Well our puppy still has that bear and has been carrying it around the house. The other night he brought it upstairs and dropped it by my side of the bed and I just lost it. Anyone out there have advice on how to get through the first awful weeks? It doesn't help that the holidays are just beginning and next week is when we were going to announce the big news to everyone. Second trimester was to begin on New Year's Eve.

N0VaGirl

I'm really sorry for your loss.  The thing that has helped me get through my loss is time.  There is no magic to it unfortunately.  You literally just have to take everything day by day and eventhough its really hard to imagine this now because of the pain and emotions you are going through, but everyday it gets a little bit easier.  Don't rush it.  If you feel like crying, then cry.  You will experience a lot of different emotions. But you will find joy again and you will be able to laugh again.  I dont believe that you ever really "move on" from a miscarriage, you just learn to accept the fact that it happened. 

Poisonives

I'm very sorry about your loss. One thing I learned about my whole experience is to listen to my intuition and how I feel. Although I dont really know if it will help prevent such things. Its also hard to stay positive when you feel something is wrong.

Novagirl is correct, just take things day by day. It is okay to feel angry or sad or a whole lot of different emotions. Talking with your husband about how you guys feel helps too. Everything will be fine eventually, my dear. Will be praying for you.

Betty769

Thanks ladies for taking the time to read my post and respond. I guess time will be the only thing that helps. It's hard to be positive, especially with some bad news I just got from work at the same time. People just know when to kick you when you're down huh? One thing that helped today was a refreshing walk outside with the pup. Seeing him frolick so happily through the snow made me think everything will be ok. I'm so sorry for everyone going through this. But it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

IslandDoctor23

I'm so sorry for your loss - it's so devastating to go through and I wish none of us were here. Like the others have said time is what it takes, not to forget but to learn to live with what happened. Take it day by day, some days you may not want to get out of bed and only want to cry - the next you might feel a little better and be up for more things. The first week for me was very very difficult so I took that time off and let myself sob if I needed to. I wrote a letter to baby and did what I felt I needed to do in order to cope with things at the time, even when people in my life were suggesting I move one or go back to work. Slowly I felt a little better and was able to function normally with my sadness woven in. Now at just one month after the miscarriage I've found myself in a dark place again and am having a tough time. I guess this is the cycle of it all and like you mentioned, the holidays make it a little bit tougher. We should be finding out what we are having and were going to announce to family next week, now I'm just depressed :-( Such a tough road and my thoughts are with you during your journey. 

Betty769

Thanks IslandDoctor23. I'm so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you are still feeling like this a month later. I am finding now being at home is no longer helping. Now that I'm feeling physically a bit better I feel like I need to be busy. So I'm going to try and go to work tomorrow and see what happens. I'm dreading the questions but decided I'm not going to tell anyone what happened. I'm just not ready to talk about it. I'm hoping to get back into the gym and start some projects around the house I put on hold thinking I should take it easy for baby. 

Writing a letter sounds like such a great idea. Maybe I'll do that....I think the worst part is now I find myself obsessing over when we can try again and I feel bad for even thinking about that when I haven't recovered from this loss. I just want to feel that hope again I guess.

Laura&Austin2013

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's such an awful awful thing to go through. That first week was the worst for me, and I agree with the others, time does heal. What helped me a lot was keeping people around me as much as possible for those first few days and trying to do things that were distracting to keep the dark thoughts away when I was most vulnerable. After I had my d&c and had come to terms with the fact that it was really over, my husband and I talked about some ideas for remembering our little peanut. We thought of planting a tree that will bloom in early spring (when the baby was due) and I ended up forcing myself to ask the doctor for the ultrasound pictures from the day we found out that the baby had no heartbeat. Those were the only ultrasound pictures we had and even though I can't look at them even yet, I knew someday I would wish I had them. I still haven't looked at them. Just take it a day at a time and keep people close who know and who you can lean on when you need to. Don't ever feel guilty for grieving, and don't feel bad for being hopeful for the next one either. Love and prayers. 

Betty769

Thanks Laura&Austin. I'm so sorry for your loss. At least you have photos you can look at one day. We never got to see our little one. I take comfort in that now, since I couldn't imagine having heard a heartbeat and then nothing. But I also dread the day that I suddenly long for that photo, that memory of my first baby and I won't have anything except that teddy bear. I just had a good chat with a friend who has been through it and that helped. I went back to work and it was so strange. No one asked me what happened. Maybe they just know? Or maybe my face said don't ask. Either way, I find myself hopeful about trying again one moment, then a pang of grief the next. Every day is different. It's not easier yet but I hope once the bleeding and cramping stops (one week today and still going) that I will be able to finally start putting this behind me.

jenwashington

Thank you for the strength to share your story and I'm so sorry for your struggles. I had the same feeling one morning that something wasn't right and I didn't feel the same. Remembering back and knowing what we were told at our first u/s, I think that was probably the day our baby's HB stopped and stopped developing. I now know to believe in my intuition. You may decide you need to put the toy away for a while so you don't have that as a reminder knowing how it hurts you when you see your puppy with it. I'm happy to hear your DH is right there with you and so supportive.

IslandDoctor23

I hope your days back at work are going alright. I totally understanding wanting to think about trying again and being hopeful but dealing with that guilt that comes with it. I never want to forget this baby and know I'll always have an angel baby whether I get pregnant again next month or a while down the road - and when that time comes I'll be so happy I ended up with 'that' little one. But it's tough being hopeful because I feel guilty, like I'm forgetting about this situation in a sense. We had barely told anyone about the pregnancy and now I am glad I've been able to be open about the loss - so many other people go through this (their stories give hope, to see them now happy with children) and they have been so supportive where I'm working. Since they know they don't sit there and chat about their baby or any of the things that catch me off guard and bring up the anxiety and sadness, even if it's something as little as family Christmas cards, etc. Hope you are doing alright today. 

ProIceSkater

Hi there. I wish that I could say something to make you feel better but it's just going to take time. I will share this in hopes that I can make you feel a little better.... I went for my 10 week US on 12/18/13, no heartbeat. Our baby passed away 2 days earlier. I am home on misoprostol trying to go through the miscarriage. This is mis #3 & my dr finally figured out the problem. I am building antigens & my body is attacking my babies. Though we are heartbroken, my dr is telling us to try again in 3 months & that I will need shots to keep this from happening again. I am telling you this because I know how that 1st mis feels. You are terrified that you will not get pregnant again. I was feeling that way but my dr took me by the hands & told me to try again with his help. Do not sit there playing the what if I did this game. That drove me crazy for a year & almost destroyed our marriage. Just be there for each other. With every 10 fake laughs to seem fine, you will suddenly realize one day that a genuine laugh came out. Hold each other close, if you need to cry, let it out. I found that telling my boss what happened made it easier because she took the task of telling my coworkers for me. I got a bunch of texts on Fri, you will find that people can be more thoughtful if given the chance. If anyone is asking when you are going to have a baby just ask them something personal. "Gee maybe I should try your schedule, so how often are you having sex?" That might shut them up I really feel for you. I know how hard it is & I hope that you take my advice & don't let it take over. I was planning on giving my in-laws a gift to unwrap, a box with that US pic inside at New Year's as it would have been 12 weeks. I was going to say hey, I forgot to give you this. So I know that New Year's is going to be rough for you. Just hold each other close & focus on getting healthy. I am sending lots of love & positive thoughts your way. 

Betty769

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. The first thing my midwife asked when I called her to ask about the bleeding was what is my blood type. I had been tested already and was able to find out I'm O positive. She said if I had been negative that I would need to go to the ER immediately to get a shot to prevent the antibodies from developing and affecting me in future. It must be such a relief to have identified an issue and now being able to know that you're in good hands next time. I saw a bunch of coworkers last night and told the ones I was planning on telling anyway. It was hard and I'm not sure it was the best forum for it, but I found the ones I told to be incredibly supportive. I even had some tell me it has happened to them. So I agree that the more I reach out to others, the better I feel about things. But even as I feel better for a few hours, I quickly go back to my grief when I get home. It's just always with me. And no matter what, I still worry that it's something I did or something wrong with me. I know it's not. But I can't help it. Hoping this weekend is the end of the physical part and that I get cleared at my follow up US on Monday. Totally dreading going to that clinic again and sitting across from all the happy women with big bellies. Such a cruel irony of this whole experience that the one place you go for help is the one that makes you feel the worst about your situation. It makes you feel like you're the only one.

jchuntoon05

Im sooo sorry for your loss.

Everyone has hit it on the head time is the only thing that will make things better. That is just because life happens...you smile a little more every day. You think about it constantly still...but you cope with it a little more. For some reason the world doesn't revolve around us ;0)

I understand the feeling of not even having an ultrasound of the baby.. My husband and I didnt either..instead, I found a necklace on etsy.com that says always in my heart with an angel wing and the birthstone color gem of the month the baby should have been due. I have it hanging on my wall next to my bed.

If you ever need to talk feel free to message me.

francisc

So sorry for your loss.  I wish we didn't have to be in this situation but here we are.  Just as you mentioned, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  In my case, I bled on Christmas eve and worsened over Christmas day.  I try to take comfort in the thought that maybe my LO was needed back in heaven which is why he was called back so early.  

kikimeemee

Oh my goodness, Betty, I could relate completely to your post.  The fear of seeing the fetus when it passed; people's hurtful comments asking when you'll have a baby; intuition that there's no reason to keep hope b/c you can sense it's all over.   Ugh...I am so sad to know others have felt this way besides me.  As soon as I was told it was an early MC, I was so scared of the whole process.   I didn't want to have to deal with the loss, the unknown, the pain, the uncertainty.  The MC is a shock in itself and then the dreaded waiting for things to pass is even worse.  I felt deep depression for a week after I found out it was a MC, and now a month later I still have spouts where I just want to be alone and not see anybody.  My crazy self still went to work the day after the shocking MC news and the day after the D&C, but you were smart to take some time.  You are doing the right thing: allowing yourself to FEEL.   Anger, sadness, depression --- you should feel all those things right now b/c you went through a terrible, horrible thing.  You are justified in how you are feeling b/c you've had a big loss.  

 

I feel the same way -- first time getting pregnant and having a MC has completely ruined the experience for me.  I think I will always be anxious and scared should I ever get pregnant again (feels like a million days away).

 

And I also agree that I have sincere fears of going back to the OB/GYN office and seeing pregnant women.  I had to go to the doctor's office 4 times during my miscarriage and it was just torture and pure sadness seeing pregnant women.  I felt so out of place and so unwelcome to that "club."

 

I'm not sure I have many uplifting things to say; maybe I'm still hurting too much myself.   But thank you for sharing your story as it resonated greatly with me.  It's not nice knowing you went through something terrible as well, but it makes me feel less alone.   xo

Betty769

Hi kikimeemee. Thank you so much for your post and to all the others too. I'm so sorry for all of you. I was doing really well until this morning when I went back for my third ultrasound - I was positive that it would show it was all over. But to my shock there was still a piece left, even after two doses of miso. The worst is my husband and I are supposed to leave for our honeymoon on Sunday. The doctor said I could have a d&c on Monday, but I don't want to ruin our trip. He said its likely a small piece of the placenta still attached that is so stubborn it won't come out. It's been three weeks and counting now since this hell began. The doc doesn't think it's necessary to change or cancel the trip for the d&c so it's back to the miso for me again. He also suggested I go on birth control for a month to try and reset my system and maybe the withdrawal bleeding would help pass the tissue. For the first time since this began I felt angry at my baby. Angry that it is causing me so much anguish. Why can't it just leave me alone already??? Then I felt guilty and mad at myself for blaming the baby, which is long gone. This is just the stubborn remnants. I wish someone had warned me how awful and horrific and psychologically scarring the physical part of a miscarriage could be. It's just so bloody unfair. (Pun intended). At least I have some good support systems through it all. We women are so strong... Good thing we stick together.