PPA/PPD check in

LoveActually4

Hey ladies, hope no one minds if I start this up. How is everyone?

LoveActually4

I'm not too good. I'm back at work and I just miss my boys, hate my job and I have so much to do in a day it's too overwhelming.

I grew up in a pretty emotionally abusive environment where my dad yelled, screamed and slammed things whenever he lost his temper (which was a lot). I grew up terrified of him. Now when I'm getting stressed out, I'm starting to lose my temper. I get so angry (never at the kids, always at DH) and on Saturday we got in a huge fight and I LOST it. I am so ashamed at how angry I was.

So, I've got an appointment for after the holidays and I'm going to start meds and get some therapy. I don't want people being scared of my moods like I was with my dad. It kills me to think of me damaging my kids due to my anxiety.

Sorry for the vent. Tl;dr = I'm crazy.

LoveActually4

Oh and to add, I was over at my parents house yesterday and y Dad started yelling at my mom (for no good reason). I calmly asked him not to yell at her, especially in front of my kids. He kept on going so I picked the kids up and left . He freaked and started slamming doors. I feel so bad for my mom:( but I'm not going to let my kids be witness to that

LoveActually4

Thanks @pobrecita.

How are you post Thanksgoving?

EVA116

@LoveActually4 I am sorry. DH's dad was like that and I see him start to lose his temper and do the same thing sometimes. He is working on it. He can't believe that he acts like his dad sometimes.

I am doing okay. The holidays stress me out...so much to do!  DS has become much easier to deal with lately. The older he gets, the better I feel. He doesn't need to be help so much and actually enjoys playing by himself for a a little while. This allows me to get more time in with DD.

DD has been so bored lately so I signed her up for preschool on Friday. She starts next month and I am so excited for her. I feel like this will take some stress off of me.

I am just getting depressed about my weight. I gained 65lbs with DS and I still have 20lbs to lose. I just want to feel beautiful again. DS is doing the 4 month wakeful period so I am exhausted when it comes to working out.

LoveActually4

Thanks @eVA116, it made me feel a lot better to hear about your DH.

20lbs left and he's only 4 months?! That's amazing! You've already lost 45lbs. Take it easy on yourself, it definitely takes more than 4 months to lose it all but it will come off.

LoveActually4

Don't blame you at all @pobrecita, 4 Christmases would make me want to drink too.

meaglamillion

First off hugs @Loveactually4 I have a similar situation with my mom. I moved out at 17 with some friends from my church. We have had a fake relationship since. I try to only interact with her once every few months. She puts me on edge, and I even get a speech issue when I'm around her. I honestly have kept dealing with her so I can stay in contact with my younger brothers.

I just wanted to say that it was great you stood your ground and then proceeded to leave.

LoveActually4

Thanks @meaglamillion

BluepointToasted

@Loveactually4, the fact that you are acknowledging a problem and trying to fix it is the difference between you and your dad, and exactly why you WONT turn out like him. My father was the same way, and remembering how his outburst made me feel is the primary reason I will always try so hard not to yell and scream, even at DH. I hope you are able to find the answers you need in therapy and meds, I bet the combo will really help you.

@pobrecita, have you considered having the holidays at your house?  We were in the same boat, Christmas was exhausting, stressful, and anything but merry, shuttling all over town.  Now we do Christmas at my house, and even though I do a brunch AND a big dinner, it is still a hundred times easier and more enjoyable.  If people want to see us, they'll show up.  If not, oh well.  

I feel like I am doing a lot better.  I switched BC pills, which I think was a big contributed, and I feel much more even.  However, the raging headaches I had when I wasn't on the pill are back, but honestly I'd rather deal with them than the depression and mood swings.  Today I felt anxious all day because of my morning (see my MIL vent), and I just came home and ate way too much.  I think a Xanax is really what I needed, but I am afraid to admit I need a script.  In fact, I was just more honest with you guys than anyone IRL.  

LoveActually4

@CTGirl30, I hope you get some rest. I get that feeling too, like I can't stop my mind and my body's trying to catch up with everything. Hugs.

LoveActually4

Hugs @RegalMama, that's exactly how I feel.

Can you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist? They might be able to better manage your medication and refer you to a therapist who may be more tailored to you.

meaglamillion

@pobrecita this year I told everyone that we're doing Christmas Day at our home as a family. If anyone wants to drop in they can for an hour or two, but we're not doing the run around this year. Taking back Christmas, yo.

I fully intend to stay in my pajamas, and eat cookies, and just enjoy my family.

JackoftheBox

Hugs to all of you. It's amazing to know paths that everyone is on. Usually it just feels like your alone and then in the big picture there are others who are facing the same demons.

I'm doing so so. I am currently on the never ending period which is making me want to eat/sleep/and be cranky. My MIL called me today. She wants to do Christmas on the 22nd which is fine but i don't have all of their Christmas shopping done yet... and I am dreading it. Mostly the cost and the hassle. I am hoping this week goes smoothly for all of us.

babyf86

Thanks for this post. Hearing everyone else's situations makes me realize that I'm not too "crazy"!

My LO (as I posted earlier) has RSV, so here we sit in the PICU. My husband blames my family (because we went there for thanksgiving and we found out my dad got sick the day before we left). So I have stress from the DH hating the in laws now. And stress from hoping my LO will be okay. Did I also mention the nurses could care less if she's up all night screaming (she hasn't had food since Saturday morning). They leave it to me to soothe her... How do you do that when you can't feed her, change her, or pick her up? And we're 2 hours from home - so that makes going home to shower or get clothes impossible.

Oh and Christmas is my favorite holiday and I was so excited to spend it with my LO. Now I have no tree, no decorations up, no presents (no money for presents bc DH is using unpaid days off to stay in the hospital and I'm on unpaid maternity leave), and no family because we'll be on lock down if we even make it home for Christmas!

Sorry for the crazy and long rant (especially for being a newbie)!

LoveActually4

@babyf86 I hope your LO feels better soon. DS2 was hospitalized with RSV last Christmas at 5 weeks old so I can empathize with what a roller coaster it is.

babyf86

@LoveActually4 Thank you.

HappyMess15

Hugs to everyone!! I am so glad I opened up on here about how I was feeling. I can't talk to anyone IRL and to hear all of your stories and struggles makes me feel less isolated. I think the holidays are so overwhelming. We are almost out of $ for this month and its only the 9th. I haven't gotten anything for family, just the kids and won't be able to buy anything else. I wish we had family near for the holidays but it will be another year just us. My 10 month old inconsolably cries every single evening. No matter what we try she is miserable. The sound of her crying makes my body temp rise immediately. Every evening is very quiet and strained between me and my Dh (aside from her yelling) because of how much tension she creates. It's only the evenings though, she's such a smiley giggly baby throughout the day. I keep telling myself it will get better after she turns 1. Blah. It's emotionally draining.

I got offered a job though and my first day is Wednesday. I'm so looking forward to communicating with people that are over the age of 3.

BluepointToasted

I hope your LO has a speedy recovery @babyf86. I'm sure your husband is just projecting his anxiety about the situation into anger, but that is the last thing you need right now!