I'm back & I'm letting it out.

ShortStuff

Hi there! I've been stalking these boards for a while now... again. I decided it was time to chime in and introduce myself... again. I'm going to try to give you the short version.

The present- Me: 37 DH: 36 No kids for either of us.

The past- I started TTC in 2004 w/my exH. I was 28, he was 35. ExH was tested first and turned out that his infertility was very severe and pretty rare. He had CBAVD. If you don't know what that is, I'm not going to get into it, since it doesn't matter now. Just know that the only chance of us conceiving was IVF with TESE. We spent over 3 years in and out of doctors. We applied for multiple grants for IVF, as our insurance did not cover it and it was going to cost us over $40,000 for a 25% chance of conceiving. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. You all know how much it sucks watching people all around you get PG when it's all you want. It sucks even more when it happens to them by accident. Every month I would pray and still hope that we'd have a miracle, but every month AF would rear her ugly head.  After 4 years of this, we started looking into adoption. This is also when I really started thinking that we didn't belong together. I'm not going to get into any of that, but just as our adoption process was progressing and we were about to have that golden opportunity to become parents, I ended my marriage. It was a very difficult decision, but a very easy process as far as divorces go and we are still friends now. Which was so important to me.  

After my marriage ended, I somehow was ok with not having kids. I decided that if it ever happened for me, great, but if it didn't that was really ok. Then, I fell in love with my DH and it happened again. I SO badly wanted a baby. A series of events happened in our lives that changed my career path. We used these events to set up our lives so that when our baby came along, I would not be working full time. Everything about this marriage is right. I so badly want a family with this man I love so much. This past spring, we started TTC.

And here I am again. This time I think it's me. I was 9 years younger when I first started TTC. In that time, I learned more about my body and the human reproduction system then I ever wanted to know. I charted.. all of it, BBT, CM, checked my cervix. I used OPKs. I O'd every month and my body was like clock work. This time I promised myself that I would not make myself crazy. I would only pay attention to my body. It's changed and I've noticed these changes as they've come. Now, I'm not even sure I'm really Oing anymore. I used to get SO MUCH egg white CM. Now, I don't really get it at all. I did OPK's last month and while the line got very dark, it never got darker than the control line. And then there's the spotting. For the last year or more, I would spot about 4-5 days before AF. Now, I think I need progesterone because in the last couple of cycles, I have had spotting 9 days before AF. It lasts 4-5 days, then goes away and then AF comes. The first month, I thought it was IB. I was so excited. I thought, this is it! But, I was wrong. Cried when AF came, of course.

So for as much as I promised myself I wouldn't get upset if it didn't happen, I am devastated. DH gets upset that I get upset. He hates to see me upset. He says it's ok, we have each other. But he really wants a kid too.

I go to the Dr on Monday. My Dr is amazing. She went through this with me 9 years ago and didn't waste anytime then. They got me an appointment right away when I called and I'm hopeful that she will be super aggressive. I already warned DH that I'll be coming home with a cup for him. He thought I was crazy, but I had to remind him that I've been through this before.

So, here I am, feeling like history is repeating itself. Watching people all around me get PG and have babies... and it's all I want. Just one, I'll be happy with one. Two would be great, but I won't push my luck.

Thanks for reading my story. I think sometimes it just feels good to let everything out. I can't wait for my appointment on Monday!

Mrs.McIrish

Welcome to the board and thanks for sharing your story. I've been on this miserable roller coaster for a few years so I get where you are coming from. The spotting sounds like a progesterone issue which is easily solvable. Hopefully that's all it will be. There's no way to not get upset about this stuff. Good luck on Monday:-)

chucktgirl

Welcome. Your doctor sounds great. I look forward to hearing your progress, and wish a positive outcome for you! (Might be something simple this time, you never know!)

owlprof

I'm sorry you are here, but you are very welcome!

hooligans4

I hope some bloodwork will give you some answers and your Dr. can start planning a route for you to go on ttc.
Good luck at your apt.

ShortStuff

Yep... my Dr. is great! She's sending me for blood work this month. I have to go day 23 or 24. She thinks it's low progesterone too, but needs to the blood work to verify. If it is, she is going to start me on clomid for the next cycle, which will be right after the new year.

On a side note. I was sitting in the waiting room with a pregnant lady, her husband, her mother & her grandmother. Today was the the day to find out the sex of their baby and I had to sit and listen to them going on and on about how they were going to make sure the envelope stayed sealed for the gender reveal cake. I tried so hard to tune them out.

It's sucks being there for fertility issues with pregnant woman around you. I can't believe I'm going through this again.

Ok... I'm done feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully it's not serious this time and clomid will do the trick.

chucktgirl

ShortStuff said:

On a side note. I was sitting in the waiting room with a pregnant lady, her husband, her mother & her grandmother. Today was the the day to find out the sex of their baby and I had to sit and listen to them going on and on about how they were going to make sure the envelope stayed sealed for the gender reveal cake. I tried so hard to tune them out.

What a nightmare! It's so terrible that an occasion that makes some people SO happy can completely destroy others. I'm sorry for your bad day.

LaterMama

I hope it all works out for you. It could be the stress. Can't imagine the above story being helpful--around pregnant ppl so often.