Husband Vent! Long

Tallulahsmom

Alittle background. My husband has always been kind of particular and judgemental. He likes things to be done his way. I understood this about him when we dated and when we married. He has many other amazing qualities and I love him very much. This is not meant to be a husband bashing thread.

The last 2 years or so his quirks have gotten much worse. He banks anything I do that he views negatively or behavior that he has needed to "correct" and brings it up any time an issue or argument arises. Let me be clear that this relates to things like the way I do laundry, whether or not I let the dog on the couch, getting water on the counter while doing dishes.

Last week he was out of town attending training for work. He was gone 4 days. I am eight months pregnant and I also care for our 2 year old and our 13 year old niece who lives with us. The whole time he was gone he talked about how much he missed us and couldn't wait to get home. I was very excited for him to come home. You know, the whole absence make the heart grow fonder thing. When he got home he spent 30 minutes outside raking and other yard work. (in the dark!) When he finally came in, my 2 year old and I were waiting to greet him. He walked right past me. No acknowledgement. About an hour later he tried to stop me on my way out the door to take my niece to basketball practice. It seemed more out of obligation than anything else and I was so frustrated at that point that I just brushed him off. This was kind of how the entire weekend went.

So today he went off on an attacking rant (unprovoked) about how when he got home from the trip the house smelled and the trash needed to go out and the house was a mess. This just isn't true. My niece and I actually spent the day cleaning. We wanted him to come home and relax after his drive. As you can imagine, being eight months pregnant and hormonal, I am very upset. More hurt than angry. I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner this week for his family, mine lives far aways, and he is gone again until Weds around 2am. So there will be no resolution until after dinner Thursday. 

I don't understand how to deal with him any more and especially not while I am so pregnant. I couldn't even argue with him I was so upset. Suggestions? 

SuperMom17

Beat him? In all serious, a serious talk may be I order. He is acting like a giant asshole and needs to be called out. Tell him you understand he has quirks and that you love him because and despite of them, however, treating you like poo isn't going to fly. Shape up or ship out, buddy. Time to put on your big boy pants and stop acting like a brat. I would be livid... Obviously a calm, rational talk would be in order. It I wouldn't take any crap from him either. Stand your ground and be firm.

SuperMom17

And btw... Sounds like major control issues here. Water in the counter? Please. DH would be told to jump in a lake if he "corrected" me. I hardly think so.

jessib10

My husband can be like this too. Usually when he's acting like that it's directed at me accidentally. I would talk with him to see what is weighing on his mind. Maybe he's starting to get stressed about the baby? Maybe he expected other chores to be done too? Or maybe work is stressing him out? I'm sure if you explain how his behavior made you feel he'll be willing to talk through it.. After all I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt you like he did.

HeartOverMind

He needs to be helping you out more. I don't care if he has been working. I wouldn't stand for DH to treat me like that, and I would never treat him that way. You need to have a serious discussion with him and find out what is behind is rude behavior.

Soap1

I think you should go to counseling together so you can have a safe space in which to discuss what each of you wants out of marriage and how you can find a middle ground.

Tallulahsmom

I am usually a no bs kinda girl but I have been so emotional the last couple of weeks. I am finding it hard to handle this on top of everything else that is going on. My first daughter was breech and this lo is currently breech at 33 weeks. So it is looking like a second csection.

To answer some of the questions. He does not come from a perfectly kept home. And his parents aren't a stepford couple. They have their issues. I don't mind cooking dinner for his family. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. They are great and his brother's family are going through a difficult loss. So I am happy to do it. I just don't like the idea of having his family over with things unsettled. Lets just say that my husband has a hard time being agreeable when things aren't so agreeable. We have actually been together for 11 years and married for 5. (High School Sweethearts) Maybe counseling would be the best option.

FemShep

For the next few days, try to focus on having a great Thanksgiving for everyone.  Marriage has hiccups and challenges, and sometimes you need to practice "willful forgetfulness".

That said, he is treating you like crap and that is not OK.  How would you feel if your daughter's future husband treated her the way he's treating you?  Would you be happy for her?  Is this the relationship you want to model for your children?  You need counseling as a couple, and you need it as quickly as possible since things will only get harder in the short term with the arrival of a new baby.  And hopefully the counselor will be able to work with your DH privately as well, because it sounds like he needs some perspective and education about how he's treating his family.

rainydayluck

He needs counseling, sounds like unchecked anxiety issues. Also, you both should go to marriage counseling.

beckylynn23

I agree with everyone else..talk to him before his whole family comes over.

My husband can be particular about certain things around the house. I am 32 weeks and work full time and sometimes, those things just can't get done. Talk to him about what you can and can't do, and what he can help out with. One day, when my husband commented about something, I told him to do it himself 'cause it wasn't going to get done that day if he wanted me to do it. He's kept his mouth shut for the most part. 

laurakaz13

Yes, counseling.  What happens when he starts treating your children in this abusive manner?  Will you put up with that?  I hope not.  What he is doing is NOT okay? 

HFrizzle

I second this being on OCD issue and counseling can help, not only him, but both of you.

Tallulahsmom

We have always joked that he was OCD. But when I think of OCD I think repetitive actions that must be completed. Maybe the obsessive with out the compulsive? Today he got home early from his trip and is acting like nothing happened. Like everything is just great. I think that is even more frustrating.

rachaelmary

Leftie22 said:

Sorry, I can't do paragraphs on my ipad! Hope you can still make sense of my post!

Well then. I feel like you just discovered an issue of mine! I always just said it was ocd...but in a non pattern way. I was up until 3am cleaning the other night because DH didn't do it the way I asked........I know it's irrational and I get so crazy and frustrated and angry so fast if he does something "wrong". Hmm...interesting.

jessib10

rachaelmary said:

Sorry, I can't do paragraphs on my ipad! Hope you can still make sense of my post!

Well then. I feel like you just discovered an issue of mine! I always just said it was ocd...but in a non pattern way. I was up until 3am cleaning the other night because DH didn't do it the way I asked........I know it's irrational and I get so crazy and frustrated and angry so fast if he does something "wrong". Hmm...interesting.

My husband never cleans right. We have a deal that he leaves it for me since I'd just go back and redo it anyway.

ScarlettV

It sounds like there is something deeper (or was there was at the time) driving his behavior that he didn't come right out with, so he used the house as another outlet. Did you ask him if everything went okay? If there was something that happened that he needed to talk about? Or perhaps he was so exhausted from the trip, he got into a negative repetitive thought cycle, and got himself all worked up.

Really, it sounds like he had his period.

gigantan

How did Thanksgiving go OP? Did you get to speak with your DH? Just curious if you brought up the notion of therapy and if so, how he responded. 

TheFutureMrsRucker

Sorry you guys aren't getting along right now. That can be typical during pregnancy though. It's far harder on us, but the things we go through can be hard on husbands too. They don't always know how to deal. As far as his quirks, people are just different. I am the quirky one in my marriage, and I am the same way about water on the counter and on the floor and things of that nature. I hate it! I'm just a neat freak. Sometimes I've come home when my hubby says he's cleaned and I look around and think, "Cleaned what?" I can sometimes get an attitude when I come home from work and after picking our son up and the house is a mess when my hubby has been off all day. In the past, I have come home and started cleaning and acted similarly to your husband, but I have learned not to take my issue out on my hubby and understand that we are just different. I think if you sit down and explain to him how you feel, he may in his own time begin to come around. It will take some adjusting on both your parts, but you said it best when you said you know how he is, so it's good that you understand him. This can help you not take his actions to heart so much.

As far as your being pregnant and his expecting you to be keeping things in tip top shape around the house, I do think it's unfair for him to feel this way and put the pressure on you (even if not directly) but don't feel like it's just him. Husbands don't always completely understand how hard pregnancy is on us. They see us as superwomen and expect us to go on as usual. Sometimes they just need a dose of reality to realize they have unrealistic expectations. I don't think your husband is a jerk, he just acted in a way that was not very considerate, which we all do from time to time. Talk it out. Hang in there!