2 days post-MC...very rough day

IslandDoctor23

I just miscarried on Monday and am having such a hard time today. It's the first day I've been alone since everything happened, my mother left town monday night and my husband had to go back to work today. If I'm not distracted by the t.v. all I can do is sob, feel angry or guilty, and wonder why this happened. I know it's normal to go through stages of grief but I feel so much worse being alone. 

On top of this I am finishing medical school and was supposed to start a rotation with a new dr. yesterday (in a peds office nonetheless) and absolutely do not feel ready to go back. I don't want to risk losing my spot but break down even thinking about putting on a happy face and treating other people's brand new babies and energetic toddlers. I'm just not ready for real life and having to pretend like I'm okay :-(

srcr2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this! Being alone while going through this is hard. Try to distract yourself, it helped me. Go for a nice walk or some retail therapy maybe. Re-do an old room or organize something. I organized my makeup collection, I found out I have 56 lipsticks alone, no including liners, pencils, stains or glosses. It's ok to grieve and let it out, but it's also good to do something for YOU! Get a mani-pedi or something or have lunch with a friend if you're up to it. Youtube drunk people dancing and falling is always fun too.

This may be a dumb question, but can you start a new rotation? I know we had residents in our FP clinic who floated around in the ER for a while. I know school is important but so are you and your emotions. You need to take care of you right now before you can even start to take care of others. MC are really hard, and it can take time before you feel like yourself again. My thought and prayers are with you!

Glow360

I know you are grieving, but take this spot and don't miss out on the opportunity. It might make you feel better. This feeling will pass and if you aren't wanting to be alone, this would be a good time to start rotating. I am a little over two weeks and it gets easier. The first week is really rough and difficult and sad, but just remember you will get through this and it helps staying busy. Working in Peds could help with healing and processing for  you too. I do not think it is healthy that people avoid children or situations that bring up something painful. You will learn as a doctor, if you haven't already, that grief is something you go through and not around. You also will face difficult decisions as a doctor that you wont be ale to avoid. I say keep going with work. Keep us posted, so sorry for your loss and hope your heart mends soon. My heart aches for you having to go through this right now.

Glow360

I like the retail therapy idea, I did this and although I went through my shopping experienced foggy brained-it did actually help!

Emma2370

I am sorry for your loss, what your feeling is totally normal and healthy, the first weeks are the hardest, allow yourself to be sad. You will feel better. I work as a nanny and went back to work 4 days after my loss. It was a tough first week,, but after that I was happy for the distraction. It will be tough seeing newborns and young kids I am sure, but give yourself some time. Hugs

Megz52188

I am so sorry to hear this. It's hard. The first time I was alone I couldn't stop crying hysterically. I ended up taking off work because I couldn't stop crying while I was trying to get ready. Hang in there. Hugs!

IslandDoctor23

Thank you all for the replies, I keep trying to do something for me to keep me busy and just keep breaking down. We are going to be taking the baby to be cremated and the thought of that and picking out an urn/keepsake just kills me everything it comes up. 

 

I'm trying my best not to lose the rotation, there is no guarantee of getting to do it again and wanting to go into peds I really need this one. I thought about trying to switch it with my next one but unfortunately that is at an OB office and I think that would only be harder on me. Hoping that a few days off and I'd be ready to start but I feel emotionally worse today :-(

@megz52188 - that's pretty much been my day, I calm myself down only to cry hysterically again a little bit later. Thought I was doing better yesterday and today it all hit me.

kelcistanfield

@IslandDoctor23 I completely feel you. My husband is (more like I am) applying to med school, so I get the gravity of your situation. I MC Sunday night and my husband started a new job Monday morning and couldn't take the day off. My mom stayed to take care of my son but had to go back to work on Tuesday. Being left alone terrified me to death, especially with a wild toddler to care for! But what I found is that my grieving process seems to unravel a little slower, easier when I'm busy. And maybe I'm fooling myself by saying this and that really I'm just avoiding it all, but having something to do, something to keep my mind and hands busy with is helping so much. I think you might find that if you went through with your rotation and went above and beyond to connect with each of the kids, you might feel better. (this being said as I avoid all three of my pregnant SILs because I can't stand to hear about their successful pregnancies) And if you can't do that, maybe take up cross-stitching? It will be great for your surgical rotations! Today I took DS on a seasonal photo shoot to replace our announcement christmas cards - bittersweet, yes, but it's giving me a project to stay busy with. I wish you the same and am sending my love your way!  

MrsG80inTN

My MC was 5 weeks ago.  The first week was the hardest and I stayed home "sick" for 4 days.  I watched Covert Affairs to try and catch up on it... it helped disctract, but I still had moments and bouts of crying.  5 weeks later I still feel like I'm in a funk some days, but it has gotten better.  The first few days at work were hard (co-worker expecting and some people knew or just asked what my sickness was), but it's gotten better and easier.

Hugs.