Adoptive Parents Want a Refund (what in the actual fluck?)

Toribaker171

hopeful808 said:

Toribaker171 said:

You can't blame the child saying its a "bad seed", they can only blame the parenting.... Sounds to me like they don't show the 9 year old enough love and care to begin with. People like this shouldn't have children at all.... Who's to say their other kids will be "good enough" for them to want to keep! Hope this child gets the family he deserves, and doesn't have to suffer the long term consequences of these sick and twisted people! And I hope these "parents", if you can even call them that, suffer at the hands of the court for what they are doing.

If they adopted him when he was 3 months, he still could have significant psychological issues that stem from the first three months of life. Reactive attachment disorder is just one disorder occurs from the care given in the first few months of life. It's also a disorder that can be extremely difficult to treat.  Often no amount of love after that developmental stage can reverse the damage done.  

I didn't mean just while the child was nine, but during its whole life.. The psychological damage caused during a lifetime of not recieving the love and care is far greater than anyone can imagine. I know this sadly is something they will have to face their entire life, that's why I said I HOPE the child doesn't have to suffer the long term consequences their "parenting" has caused.

Winnieella

This is heart breaking and making m cry for that little boy. 

citybeach

A few more details. Seems the parents are in hiding and are going to turn themselves in soon. The other siblings are staying with family. So sad.

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/couple-run-return-adopted-9-year-old-son-article-1.1518315

HappyDoc

At the risk of getting flamed to a crisp....

I work/have worked with several parents who have adopted children at various ages (birth, a few months old, a few years old, teenagers, etc.). One of the most shocking and heartbreaking cases I had dealt with a 10-year-old child, who was adopted at 6 months of age, who had repeatedly tried to kill the family dog and had tried to set the house on fire on two occasions. The adoptive parents had two other adopted children in the home, and had tried everything they could think of to help the 10-year-old, individual counseling, family counseling, parent training, group therapy for the child, residential treatment facilities, a private school, etc. It came to the point where they were helpless and did not know what else to do, as they feared for his safety, the safety of the other children in the home, and their safety. Whether due to biological factors, or Reactive Attachment Disorder, the child had problems that the family just could not deal with.

I will say that this type of case is unusual, but not unheard of. I don't think the solution to a child with problems is to "just give them back," but there are those rare cases where parents feel like they have exhausted their resources and do not know what else to do.

It will be interesting to learn more about this case, and to see if it is similar to what I described, or just parents who do not want to seek out the help that their child needs.

RedSaffron

I feel so sad for the child.. Can you imagine what is going on through his mind and how he feels, those people shouldnt even be called parents ):<

shortstuff15

HappyDoc said:

At the risk of getting flamed to a crisp....

I work/have worked with several parents who have adopted children at various ages (birth, a few months old, a few years old, teenagers, etc.). One of the most shocking and heartbreaking cases I had dealt with a 10-year-old child, who was adopted at 6 months of age, who had repeatedly tried to kill the family dog and had tried to set the house on fire on two occasions. The adoptive parents had two other adopted children in the home, and had tried everything they could think of to help the 10-year-old, individual counseling, family counseling, parent training, group therapy for the child, residential treatment facilities, a private school, etc. It came to the point where they were helpless and did not know what else to do, as they feared for his safety, the safety of the other children in the home, and their safety. Whether due to biological factors, or Reactive Attachment Disorder, the child had problems that the family just could not deal with.

I will say that this type of case is unusual, but not unheard of. I don't think the solution to a child with problems is to "just give them back," but there are those rare cases where parents feel like they have exhausted their resources and do not know what else to do.

It will be interesting to learn more about this case, and to see if it is similar to what I described, or just parents who do not want to seek out the help that their child needs.

I think the difference that I see with this situation is that they are just trying to "return" him.  RAD is a real thing for sure, even if adopted at 3 months, but there has got to be a better way to deal with it than just returning the kid, even if this is RAD.

ach298

HappyDoc said:

At the risk of getting flamed to a crisp....

I work/have worked with several parents who have adopted children at various ages (birth, a few months old, a few years old, teenagers, etc.). One of the most shocking and heartbreaking cases I had dealt with a 10-year-old child, who was adopted at 6 months of age, who had repeatedly tried to kill the family dog and had tried to set the house on fire on two occasions. The adoptive parents had two other adopted children in the home, and had tried everything they could think of to help the 10-year-old, individual counseling, family counseling, parent training, group therapy for the child, residential treatment facilities, a private school, etc. It came to the point where they were helpless and did not know what else to do, as they feared for his safety, the safety of the other children in the home, and their safety. Whether due to biological factors, or Reactive Attachment Disorder, the child had problems that the family just could not deal with.

I will say that this type of case is unusual, but not unheard of. I don't think the solution to a child with problems is to "just give them back," but there are those rare cases where parents feel like they have exhausted their resources and do not know what else to do.

It will be interesting to learn more about this case, and to see if it is similar to what I described, or just parents who do not want to seek out the help that their child needs.

DH's sister has RAD (she was adopted at 2 yr) and after hearing my inlaws' stories of raising her, I have a little less judgement of parents in stories like these, especially when very little of the other side of the story is known. My inlaws ended up having to send her to a special boarding school and then put her in a home until she was 18. It was really hard on everyone in the family and she was really abusive to her parents and siblings.

blue_elle

dhviel said:

HappyDoc said:

At the risk of getting flamed to a crisp....

I work/have worked with several parents who have adopted children at various ages (birth, a few months old, a few years old, teenagers, etc.). One of the most shocking and heartbreaking cases I had dealt with a 10-year-old child, who was adopted at 6 months of age, who had repeatedly tried to kill the family dog and had tried to set the house on fire on two occasions. The adoptive parents had two other adopted children in the home, and had tried everything they could think of to help the 10-year-old, individual counseling, family counseling, parent training, group therapy for the child, residential treatment facilities, a private school, etc. It came to the point where they were helpless and did not know what else to do, as they feared for his safety, the safety of the other children in the home, and their safety. Whether due to biological factors, or Reactive Attachment Disorder, the child had problems that the family just could not deal with.

I will say that this type of case is unusual, but not unheard of. I don't think the solution to a child with problems is to "just give them back," but there are those rare cases where parents feel like they have exhausted their resources and do not know what else to do.

It will be interesting to learn more about this case, and to see if it is similar to what I described, or just parents who do not want to seek out the help that their child needs.

I think the difference that I see with this situation is that they are just trying to "return" him.  RAD is a real thing for sure, even if adopted at 3 months, but there has got to be a better way to deal with it than just returning the kid, even if this is RAD.

The one article says they wanted to turn him over to county services. The statement that they are "returning" him is one being used by the media. I don't think we can say based on the articles that they are "just trying to return him" versus saying "hey we can't handle this anymore so someone needs to take him"

My first thought reading the article was same as @happydoc. While not common, there are severe cases, and until we know more about this family's situation I'm not yet ready to pass final judgement. 

In either case, the whole thing is very sad..

shortstuff15

blue_elle said:

dhviel said:

HappyDoc said:

At the risk of getting flamed to a crisp....

I work/have worked with several parents who have adopted children at various ages (birth, a few months old, a few years old, teenagers, etc.). One of the most shocking and heartbreaking cases I had dealt with a 10-year-old child, who was adopted at 6 months of age, who had repeatedly tried to kill the family dog and had tried to set the house on fire on two occasions. The adoptive parents had two other adopted children in the home, and had tried everything they could think of to help the 10-year-old, individual counseling, family counseling, parent training, group therapy for the child, residential treatment facilities, a private school, etc. It came to the point where they were helpless and did not know what else to do, as they feared for his safety, the safety of the other children in the home, and their safety. Whether due to biological factors, or Reactive Attachment Disorder, the child had problems that the family just could not deal with.

I will say that this type of case is unusual, but not unheard of. I don't think the solution to a child with problems is to "just give them back," but there are those rare cases where parents feel like they have exhausted their resources and do not know what else to do.

It will be interesting to learn more about this case, and to see if it is similar to what I described, or just parents who do not want to seek out the help that their child needs.

I think the difference that I see with this situation is that they are just trying to "return" him.  RAD is a real thing for sure, even if adopted at 3 months, but there has got to be a better way to deal with it than just returning the kid, even if this is RAD.

The one article says they wanted to turn him over to county services. The statement that they are "returning" him is one being used by the media. I don't think we can say based on the articles that they are "just trying to return him" versus saying "hey we can't handle this anymore so someone needs to take him"

My first thought reading the article was same as @happydoc. While not common, there are severe cases, and until we know more about this family's situation I'm not yet ready to pass final judgement. 

In either case, the whole thing is very sad..

The whole thing is very sad. 

I did read the articles again but still didn't get the same tone you got.  I guess for me even a child with RAD shouldn't be returned to the system.  Like a previous poster said, a special boarding school or home with people trained to help in these specific types of situations, but you don't just try to give him back to the system he came from because regardless, they are still your children.  In any case, if this is RAD it's not something that is easily dealt with and if it's not RAD, then these parents have a whole different set of issues that they are dealing with.

bethughknee

HappyDoc said:

At the risk of getting flamed to a crisp....

I work/have worked with several parents who have adopted children at various ages (birth, a few months old, a few years old, teenagers, etc.). One of the most shocking and heartbreaking cases I had dealt with a 10-year-old child, who was adopted at 6 months of age, who had repeatedly tried to kill the family dog and had tried to set the house on fire on two occasions. The adoptive parents had two other adopted children in the home, and had tried everything they could think of to help the 10-year-old, individual counseling, family counseling, parent training, group therapy for the child, residential treatment facilities, a private school, etc. It came to the point where they were helpless and did not know what else to do, as they feared for his safety, the safety of the other children in the home, and their safety. Whether due to biological factors, or Reactive Attachment Disorder, the child had problems that the family just could not deal with.

I will say that this type of case is unusual, but not unheard of. I don't think the solution to a child with problems is to "just give them back," but there are those rare cases where parents feel like they have exhausted their resources and do not know what else to do.

It will be interesting to learn more about this case, and to see if it is similar to what I described, or just parents who do not want to seek out the help that their child needs.

The tone of the article does lend itself more toward pity for the child and anger toward the "parents," you're absolutely right. There was a family in my church growing up who cared for a foster child for 8 years before they decided that the risks to their other children were greater than any benefit he was or wasn't getting by living with them. He had was antisocial and that ended up with lots of situations where other family members (including pets) were put in danger because he just had no concept for others' rights. It didn't occur to me reading that this could be a similar situation. I signed up for the Google alerts on the family so I hope they explain more as the case develops. If the family wanted a perfect little boy and wasn't ready to help someone with his emotional issues that's one thing, but if they felt like removing him from their house was the only way to keep their other children safe, that's a different matter entirely.

The whole thing is still really sad. Thanks for a different perspective on that, though. The birth mother in me was just set on fire when I read the headline and I went into it a little blindly.