Wild, Free and Glorious: The Utmost Natural Birth Story of My Sweet Sequoia — The Bump
Birth Stories

Wild, Free and Glorious: The Utmost Natural Birth Story of My Sweet Sequoia

As dawn crept upon me, and the wild winds grew restless at my cheek, I awoke. I had risen but three degrees earlier than usual, as the sun had not quite risen upon my bed of earth. At that moment I knew in my heart that the time must be nearing, for my body to open, for my blessed child to fall upon the earth it would grow to worship. 

For a moment I pondered where I might deliver the fruits of my womb. Where might I find a suitable place to bring my divine gift earth side? Perhaps in the organic kale garden at sundown, where we would be surrounded by mother nature's glory? The creek where I may find myself assisted by the ancient earth bear? Or maybe I might bring new life by the mutilated stump in my neighbour's back yard? Yes, I believe that would be appropriate.

I rose to clear myself with the beautiful woods surrounding me, filled with life, golden light, and the smell of my body's ripe night soil… rather pungent this morning. Reaching down I found a gift from my womb, clearish, sticky, bloody and glorious. smoothing it between my fingers, I decided to bring it with me to the creek that I might wash myself with it… but not before reverently photographing it and sharing it with my likeminded internet friends #thetimeisnearing 

Just two paces nearer the stream I felt the first gentle wave. Calmly I clutched the nearest tree, whispering an earth moan as it caressed my womanly vessel. And then it was over for but 7 cries of the raven. Before long I had to stop once more, this time opening my heart and mind and lungs to the roaring wave. And once again the world was quiet, my moans seemed to have silenced the honking of nearby commuters. I summoned my body's whole power and sped through the woods, my self-weaved hemp skirt and personalized vulva pendant blowing behind me.

As I approached the creek I was overcome with another powerful wave, and dropped to my knees. I pleaded with the earth child 'deliver me of this erotic agony! Cometh forth into the world sweet sweetling'. But alas, the babe was not ready. For some time I rolled in the earth for dramatic effect before enveloping myself in the cool of the creek. The water was frigid and before long I was blissfully unaware of the pain. 'Natures epidural' I mused, smugly aware of my superiority. I floated along in peace, swatting away the occasional cigarette butt, soda can and used condom 'What a waste' I thought to myself. If only everyone knew the euphoria of laying in a creek just steps away from an elementary school, beckoning life into the universe.

A time later I grew weary, the water was unable to conquer my waves, and I decided it was time to move on. As I stood, I felt it. The haste of life! I whispered a moon song to the child as it began to make its way through my folds. Carefully I leaned against the nobel spruce, before commanding my body with all of my wombanly might to bring it forth. At that moment, water burst from my loins, showering a litter of young rabbits with my holy water. And then with the grace and peace never once seen on the corner of 32nd and Main, a cone headed, swollen faced creature was birthed into my bare hands. At once I searched for a penis, that I might hold him up and declare him eternally intact, but no luck. Instead I brought the woman child nearest my cheek and whispered 'Never fear, the lobes of your ears shall remain pure and whole forever' 

And with that, I pulled my garb from my blossomed loins, fashioning it into a wrap, allowing her to suckle as we began the journey home. I peered around me a moment before calling her Sequoia Moonbright to honour the SUV that had been passing as she erupted into the world. Sequoia and I took a stunning (albeit nude) breast-is-best selfie before wandering tepidly home to our cul-de-sac a few blocks away. As my umbilical cord slapped gingerly against my leg, I contemplated parenthood and all of the ways that in just one day I was already a better, more natural mother, than anyone on my street. If only everyone could be like me, motherhood would be easy.

Stay tuned for Round 2: Adventures in lotus birth with a bonus placenta recipe!

Edited twice for paragraphs. 
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Re: Wild, Free and Glorious: The Utmost Natural Birth Story of My Sweet Sequoia

  • Are you some kind of birthing goddess?? Do you teach birthing classes? Teach me your ways!!! Also, I love the name Sequoia! But I'll pretend you named her after the tree and not a unnecessary, environment-ruining car.
    SeptsiggyBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • I really can't wait for part two! I'm very intrigued as to how the placenta didn't fall out on your journey home! 

    Also, I'm sending your birth story to my friend who is due any day and hoping for an empowering experience like yours. So wonderful to see mamas taking charge of their births!
    SeptsiggyBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • C_mo said:


    CaliVal said:

    What should I name my next baby? Since Sequoia is taken I'm thinking of either Avalon, Nova, or Odyssey...

    Perhaps something more majestic such as Shambhala or something a little more simple like Nightfall?

    Thank you soooo much! You are my inspiration! I hope my natural birth is half as amazing as yours! Thanks for sharing.

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  • This is the best thing I've read on this website BY FAR. You just made my night.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 


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    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoxDeardra77sarahsairsairoliviaann91
  • Congrats to you and your netheryaya! Now please don't taint the experience by feeding little Sequoia poison (formula) or putting her in "chemical diapers," as they were called in a recent May 2014 post.


     image

    DS: 11/8/11 | 9 lb 7 oz, 22 in
    DD: 5/22/14 | 9 lb 9 oz, 21.5 in


    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxox[Deleted User]
  • Omg you win the internet.
    stellasmommy412sarahsairsairbbrooke92
  • I'm a pretty crunchy momma, but this was hilarious! You're a talented writer!

    BabyFruit Ticker
    EDD 12/3 - William Garrett
    DD - Stella Gwen (5YO)
  • Now, I mean no offense to OP since I love me some C_mo, but I am wondering, is this meant for some specific wingnuts or just about natural birth and breastfeeding in general? While I think it is funny and ironic, another part of me feels a bit upset since I do plan to attempt a birth without drugs (in the hospital with a doctor) and I would like to breastfeed if I can. I personally don't feel like either way is superior. I just can't help but feel alienated by this post.

    FTM - BFP: 1/23/14 - EDD: 10/5/14 - DD Born 9/13/14

    silverwings72mariebeakler
  • Now, I mean no offense to OP since I love me some C_mo, but I am wondering, is this meant for some specific wingnuts or just about natural birth and breastfeeding in general? While I think it is funny and ironic, another part of me feels a bit upset since I do plan to attempt a birth without drugs (in the hospital with a doctor) and I would like to breastfeed if I can. I personally don't feel like either way is superior. I just can't help but feel alienated by this post.

    I think you're reading into this a bit much. Plan to birth whatever way you wish and don't worry about any other opinions, jokes, etc.
    BabyFruit Ticker

    BFP #1 - 12/12/11 - Missed M/C 1/9/12
    BFP #2 - 4/5/2012 - Son Born 12/12/12
    BFP #3 - 2/2/2014 - EDD 10/16/2014
  • This is better than awesome
  • Oh my Lord... This is the best thing ever
  • This is the best thing I've ever read on the bump. This is also the first time I've actually felt compelled to comment. Great writing and excellent comment on how ludicrous it is that any of us should feel superior. No matter what type of birth, we're all doing something awesome.
    Courtney Landis
  • I'm an L&D nurse and I seriously just cracked the f up. You are hilarious. I read it completely serious, like WTF kind of crazy unsafe mother is birthing in the great outdoors next to a school and condoms. Seriously. I'm totally printing this and taking it for my coworkers to enjoy. Thanks :)
    Daphneh28lund
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