1st Trimester

Pregnant and my husband wants a divorce!!!

I met my husband in 2007 in basic trng and later reconnected in 2010. I got stationed at the same base as him and married in 2011. We have a son who is 1 years old. We have an awesome relationship with the exception of the few fights every blue moon. My husband has anger issues which he promised to work on. Four weeks ago he refused to bath the baby (I asked him to bath him so I can go out and get him some bar b q he wanted) and cursed me out and I left (3 things I told him I won’t tolerate-disrespect-cheating-or physical abuse) and I packed up my stuff and my baby’s stuff and left in hopes to stay at a hotel and cool off. 30 minutes later I came back telling myself I should go back and try to talk it out. I came back and he said he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t trust me not to leave anymore. He left for a week and came back after me begging him to try to make our relationship work. Two weeks later he says he isn’t happy here and wants to leave. I am currently 2 months pregnant (this was a planned baby). The only friends I have here are the friends we share. I’m a family person and love to spend my time with my husband and baby. Now I am torn and heartbroken. After being put through the ringer for over a month I finally decided something has to be done. I told him I don’t WANT a divorce but I feel it is needed. He told me he doesn’t love me like he used to or respect me as his wife so I feel like I’m the only one fighting this battle to keep our marriage together. I feel that he needs to want it just as back for us to make it through this. So I told him we need a divorce and I also need him to move out so I can grieve heal and move on. Do you think I did the right thing? Should I still try to make it work even though he doesn’t? I have no one to talk to so I’m just looking for some support or advice.

Re: Pregnant and my husband wants a divorce!!!

  • I am sorry you in this situation, but if he is not trying then all your trying is for nothing... Time to take care of things, get a divorce, and focus on your new baby, also make sure you talk to someone about your kids, and make sure you and hubby can agree on custody.

    Good Luck

    Started TTC in 2006, LOTS of trying, and trying, and 7 rounds of IVF with 13 embryos, 2 perfect little boys and 5 loses....
    All finished with babies, started to make diet changes, Keto, to be MORE for my kids, lost 30 pounds, still going, and 3 months in, I had a natural cycle, and then ovulated... Hubs and I are going to see what happens now... Maybe a natural pregnancy? After everything we have been through? Or just a return to normal hormones? We shall see what the future holds!

    Baby Dust To All!!!

  • I don't know what to tell you, but I am sorry you are going through this.  Perhaps counseling would help?  If he isn't willing to go with you to work on the marriage, maybe it might at least help you to move on...

    IF DX: DOR & Fragile X pre-mutation carrier
    2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
    BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
    Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
    BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014

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  • Thank you for your kind words. I asked him to come with me to couseling (i go tomorrow) and he said we have a good relationship thats not the problem. He said the problem is that he doesnt love me like he should and no one can MAKE someone love someone. So thats the problem as well as him not trusting me to walk out again.
  • Thank you kfdecarie for your advice. I plan to do just that. He already told me he knows ill get custody of the kids. But i told him i would never stop him from seeign them if he wanted to.
  • I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this. It must really hurt to be told that he doesn't love you anymore. Would he be open to just a separation before rushing into a divorce? Maybe he is going through some things and needs to be alone. He can really think about what it is that made him lose feelings. Such as... Is he bored? Is there something that is not being fulfilled sexually? What changed? Being alone also might help him remember the old times - first meeting, dating, wedding, trips, etc. He may end up deciding that he does want to go to counseling with you and wants to work through this. Counseling can definitely help him reopen those emotions he once felt when you two were going strong.

    But like you said, he has to want it. And there's no forcing it. 
    Personally, he doesn't sound like too great of a guy to just leave you...pregnant and for no reason but "I don't love you anymore." Why plan a baby then two months ago? Again, I am so so sorry. 
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  • Sounds like you were right in where you're coming from. Although once things like that come out you always want to retract. I can't imagine being in your shoes but if I were, I'd move to my moms or best fiends with the kids, find a job or school & move forward for my kids. I'm imagining there's a ton of details you obviously can't express but the weirdest one was the BBQ.
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  • UPDATE: Last night out the blue he came to me and asked if we could talk. he said he is sorry and has been doing some thinking and he doesnt want to ruin a good thing over a stupid fight. So he said he wants to stay and see if things work out. The only thing is im not really sure he knows where he wants to be. but when i said my vows i meant them..."till death do us part"..so i will take him back and see how it goes. It seems like women are so fleixible and sometimes get ran over when men just kinda do what they feel like that day. So im going to stay but keep my eyes open and not get my hopes up just yet. Thank you guys for ALLLLLLLLL the support. This is my first time posting on here and the number of responses warmed my heart. Thank you....thank you...thank you!
  • Rice cakes thank you for your story!! Really gives my situation hope. We are going to counseling today to see if we can help get through his anger issues (which is the root of all our problems). he knows he has anger issues and he has gotten a lot better in the three years we been married but he still has a little work to do. And im no ange leither i make mistakes but im willing to fix them and move along. Again thanks for your story....nice knowing there is hope and im not alone.
  • There is no way I would stay in that relationship unless he got independent counseling PLUS marriage counseling. Relationship issues aside, it sounds like he's got some heavy stuff going on internally. Until he's in a healthier place, he can't support a healthy relationship. 

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    Rice cakes thank you for your story!! Really gives my situation hope. We are going to counseling today to see if we can help get through his anger issues (which is the root of all our problems). he knows he has anger issues and he has gotten a lot better in the three years we been married but he still has a little work to do. And im no ange leither i make mistakes but im willing to fix them and move along. Again thanks for your story....nice knowing there is hope and im not alone.
    Marriage counseling has meant wonders for our relationship. I highly recommend it to everyone - especially if you can go before years of hurt and resentment build up. Ever since we started, we went from horrible to stronger than ever both as individuals and a couple. We talk openly about it with our friends and family and encourage anyone to check into it.

    From the sounds of it, your husband seems to be suffering some level of depression. In the reading I have done on male depression to further understand my husband, this is often displayed as anger. Have faith and stay strong. You are doing the right thing for you and your baby even if it doesn't work out. Good luck!
  • wtfisup said:
    There is no way I would stay in that relationship unless he got independent counseling PLUS marriage counseling. Relationship issues aside, it sounds like he's got some heavy stuff going on internally. Until he's in a healthier place, he can't support a healthy relationship. 
     
    In my experience, because both my husband and I brought our own problems to the table, marriage counseling has been about working on ourselves first, then our marriage. There has been no need to persue individual therapy because this is actually the FOCUS of marriage counseling. If you cannot learn to love yourself, you cannot learn to love another.
  • Can I be frank? This is a shitty situation he put you in, considering you planned this baby. Let him have his divorce. You will move on and find someone who loves you and won't make you work so hard for it. He sounds like a jerk. I'm sorry you're going through this. But I'd run, not walk, from this guy. Who just decides they don't love their pregnant wife and mother of his one year old? You can have a better life without him.
    Yep! My stupid @$$ didn't listen to my gut after my first was born, we had a second, then finally divorced 3 years later. I'm telling you right now - get out while you can. If he says this awful, hurtful crap now, there's no telling how bad it can/will become, especially given the anger issues. You need counseling for your emotions, HE needs counseling for his anger - plain and simple. I hate to put this out there, but I also think there's more going on besides what you've told us. You probably told us all you know, but I have a feeling he's hiding something.

    Honey, I wish you the best of luck!

    P.S. Is he military or are both of you?
  • Rice cakes thank you for your story!! Really gives my situation hope. We are going to counseling today to see if we can help get through his anger issues (which is the root of all our problems). he knows he has anger issues and he has gotten a lot better in the three years we been married but he still has a little work to do. And im no ange leither i make mistakes but im willing to fix them and move along. Again thanks for your story....nice knowing there is hope and im not alone.

    I'm glad that I could offer some good words. I wish you the best. Marriage is so hard. Good luck!
     TTC#1 Since April 2011 
    BFP#1 5.23.12 C/P 4w4d 
    BFP #2 10.1.13
    EDD June 10, 2014
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  • I am so sorry you are going through this. He sounds like he is being extremely selfish. If you have a good relationship and it's just that "lovin feelin" that's gone, then in my personal opinion there is no need for a divorce. Very few couples feel the same passionate love throughout their whole relationship, but marriage vows mean that you promise to stay together and make it work even when you don't feel like it. Real love is not a feeling, it is a choice to put the marriage first. I truly believe that the feelings will come back in time, because everyone has rough patches, but if you are the only one fighting for it then there's not much point. Again, I am so very sorry.
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  • wtfisup said:
    There is no way I would stay in that relationship unless he got independent counseling PLUS marriage counseling. Relationship issues aside, it sounds like he's got some heavy stuff going on internally. Until he's in a healthier place, he can't support a healthy relationship. 
     
    In my experience, because both my husband and I brought our own problems to the table, marriage counseling has been about working on ourselves first, then our marriage. There has been no need to persue individual therapy because this is actually the FOCUS of marriage counseling. If you cannot learn to love yourself, you cannot learn to love another.
    I think it just depends on the situation, what each person is bringing, etc. For me, I needed a space to deal with my own abuse/trauma as a person before sharing that with my husband and bringing it into our relationship. Each person needs a different shoe. 

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  • Wow, sorry you're going through this. Glad to see he came to a right mindset. It's usual for people to say things they don't mean when they are mad. We are all guilty of it. Counseling is a great idea. Maybe just working on some communication between each other could really help. Good luck!

    It's a BOY










  • Has your H deployed?

    I've been married to my H for 8 years, we met in the Army and shortly after deployed to Iraq together. My H is a combat medic and had an extremely hellacious time during deployment. After returning from deployment he was diagnosed with PTSD.

    It's extremely difficult to be married to someone with PTSD. I, also, was diagnosed with PTSD. We had a tumultuous relationship for the first few years. A few years ago we discussed divorce, but, my boss (who was also my lawyer) suggested counseling.

    I can't even say how much it's helped our relationship.

    I hope counseling works for you guys. My T&Ps to you.

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