just want to bitch for 1 minute

potbellypig

I just want to bitch for 1 minute, and sit in my piss for a little while, and then I'll get over it. I realize how bitchy I'm being and this is a better venue for venting than anywhere else especially since it makes me seem totally unsympathetic.

DH's dad passed away three weeks ago. His mom doesn't drive, doesn't know anything about banking/legal stuff that comes from spouse death etc. We live in a different city than her (about an hour drive away). I'm expecting number 2 and work full time. Since his dad got sick in September and then passed away we have been spending almost every weekend in the city with his mom. Before his dad passed (while he was sick) DH was in the city for days at a time during the work week and DD and I would join him on the weekend. DH has been doing her banking, legal stuff, fixing things around the house etc. He calls her 2 or 3 times a day to check in/chat, and because he spends time helping her out he needs to do extra stuff to stay on top of things at work. He's being a very good son but I'm just getting annoyed...I guess I feel like it shouldn't be so hard to drive around and do banking stuff independantly...I know this is probably helping him cope with loosing his dad too, but I (very selfishly) just wish we could move past the death in the family and just go back to life the way it used to be...staying in town on the weekends, getting stuff done in the house or hanging out together during the week, and not always discussing or dealing with the family death/needy mother in law (my words not his, and keep in mind there are my words as I am going through a moment of making this all about me when it really isn't).

Bitchy rant over. I'll go back to being sympathetic and understanding and patient.

potbellypig

OnederfulMother said:

If you feel this lost without your husband who is only an hour down the road and temporarily unavailable, imagine how lost she feels having lost her spouse forever. 

I don't feel lost...I'm just annoyed. I'd like to think that if/when DH dies I'd be able to do the banking and legal stuff and be independant without needing so much help.

Ugh.

potbellypig

CTGirl30 said:

What I was trying to say is...holy shit, have some empathy here.

I know I know...I am very empathetic at home. I just need a tiny vent not in my real world so that I can keep being empathetic without imploding at home. I don't want to say anything to DH about being annoyed because I know it's such a selfish feeling given the situation. I just need a tiny place to vent.

Trust me I'm empathetic at home.

CinemaGoddess

You're being unreasonable and more than a little bitchy about this. 

True story.  

CurlyQ284

I get it. I got a BFP on a Friday. Tuesday my dad landed in ICU with liver failure. I spent most of my pregnancy sitting in waiting rooms, trying to cheer my mom up/helping her with dumb stuff on the same level as banking, keep everyone positive. I drove them an hour away in the middle of the night when he got the call for the transplant when I was 3 weeks away from my due date so I was hugely pregnant and tired. It sucked.

I have a bad relationship with my dad (liver transplant, cirrhosis due to alcoholism and all that that implies). I was also in grad school and working full time. I just wanted a break. So here are some ((hugs)) and ((hair pats)). Its only temporary and soon she will be settled.

ETA uh oh ::zips up firemans suit::

robinsokj

Pregzillas are even better than brodezillas

missyishere

I knew how to drive, write checks, etc but I still had DH handle a lot of my mom's estate stuff, because I was a fucking mess. I'm sure your DH knows how sad your MIL and is willing to help her grief in any way. You just need to keep it in perspective and put the shoe on the other foot.

potbellypig

CurlyQ284 said:

I get it. I got a BFP on a Friday. Tuesday my dad landed in ICU with liver failure. I spent most of my pregnancy sitting in waiting rooms, trying to cheer my mom up/helping her with dumb stuff on the same level as banking, keep everyone positive. I drove them an hour away in the middle of the night when he got the call for the transplant when I was 3 weeks away from my due date so I was hugely pregnant and tired. It sucked. I have a bad relationship with my dad (liver transplant, cirrhosis due to alcoholism and all that that implies). I was also in grad school and working full time. I just wanted a break. So here are some ((hugs)) and ((hair pats)). Its only temporary and soon she will be settled.

Thank you.

I'm not unreasonable or unsympathetic at home, nor anywhere else most of the time. I know it sucks way more for him and her, and I know things will go back to normal. I just want a minute for someone to say "hey, I've noticed this isn't a cake-walk for you, either" and I'll be able to have a little more patience when I get home tonight.

ASmallWonder

If this was going on for a year and she was making no effort to learn how to live her new, independent life, sure, I could see it.  It's been three weeks.  There are situations where two able bodied adults have someone's mother come and stay with them for weeks when they have a baby because they can't figure out their ass from their elbow.  Her world has been rocked and so has his.  They are comforting each other while trying to stabilize.  That takes time.

CinemaGoddess

It's been 6-8 weeks since it started, by your timeline. 

You need to take a step back and realize that you're going to be dealing with this for awhile. 

It's one thing to say "Man, I could use a break.  All this stuff is coming down at home right now and I'm having difficulty maintaining my perspective."  But that's not what you said. 

I'm sure if you were this woman, you'd appreciate having your child by your side while you grieved for your husband.  

Girl, please.  

CurlyQ284

I want to throw this out there a little. When my DHs grandfather died, the family was pretty amazing. A lot of family was close by but EVERYONE came from out of town. Mamaw didn't have to do anything at all. They figured out all the details of the funeral, food was pouring in. She was able to completely fall apart and process everything. The service was beautiful, there were pictures everywhere that everyone brought. She litereally didnt have to do a THING, it was taken care of. She probably REALLY appreciates everything.

potbellypig

CurlyQ284 said:

I want to throw this out there a little. When my DHs grandfather died, the family was pretty amazing. A lot of family was close by but EVERYONE came from out of town. Mamaw didn't have to do anything at all. They figured out all the details of the funeral, food was pouring in. She was able to completely fall apart and process everything. The service was beautiful, there were pictures everywhere that everyone brought. She litereally didnt have to do a THING, it was taken care of. She probably REALLY appreciates everything.

She really does appreciate it. Like I said, he's being a good son. She's getting lots of support. And I'm trying (and maybe mostly succeeding depending on the day) to support him, as is his work etc. But since the death isn't mine to grieve really, since it's not my immediate family, there aren't very many places for me to go for support when he's so preoccupied/away. I know it'll fade, things will go back to some version of normal, and I have to be strong. But when you're tired and pregnant and have no time to get anything done at home or otherwise and you feel bad for yourself...then you write bitchy posts on the bump.

The sympathy and the getting-put-in-your-place is good.

aglenn

I agree with @missyishere.  It may seem like simple errands and banking tasks to you but I had (and still have) huge struggles dealing with my dad's financial stuff.  He passed away last December after a long, awful, drawn-out illness.  I am perfectly capable of understanding what is going on and making financial decisions but when it comes to his stuff I just get lost in the emotions because it is a reminder that he's gone, and it is hard to face.  This is not money I want to have or make decisions about.  It is hard to describe but the emotions are brutal.  Your DH is doing the right thing to help out so your MIL doesn't turn to someone else for help who might not have her best interests at heart.

I know it sucks for you, too.  My DH had to put up with a lot during my dad's last couple of years, and it is hard.  It's OK for you to be frustrated, but also know that unfortunately it is likely that you will be on the other side of this issue at some point in the future and you will want your DH to support you and not complain about it.

robinsokj

They're you post the more you sound like a brat

Feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of energy

ASmallWonder

potbellypig said:

CurlyQ284 said:

I want to throw this out there a little. When my DHs grandfather died, the family was pretty amazing. A lot of family was close by but EVERYONE came from out of town. Mamaw didn't have to do anything at all. They figured out all the details of the funeral, food was pouring in. She was able to completely fall apart and process everything. The service was beautiful, there were pictures everywhere that everyone brought. She litereally didnt have to do a THING, it was taken care of. She probably REALLY appreciates everything.

She really does appreciate it. Like I said, he's being a good son. She's getting lots of support. And I'm trying (and maybe mostly succeeding depending on the day) to support him, as is his work etc. But since the death isn't mine to grieve really, since it's not my immediate family, there aren't very many places for me to go for support when he's so preoccupied/away. I know it'll fade, things will go back to some version of normal, and I have to be strong. But when you're tired and pregnant and have no time to get anything done at home or otherwise and you feel bad for yourself...then you write bitchy posts on the bump.

The sympathy and the getting-put-in-your-place is good.

Listen, it's not that you aren't going to experience your own struggles as part of this but you're not the first person to be pregnant with a present SO.  It's temporary.  Someday you'll hope your kids are as good to you in times of crisis as your husband is being to his mom.  

potbellypig

aglenn said:

I know it sucks for you, too.  My DH had to put up with a lot during my dad's last couple of years, and it is hard.  It's OK for you to be frustrated, but also know that unfortunately it is likely that you will be on the other side of this issue at some point in the future and you will want your DH to support you and not complain about it.

Yep, and I hope that when he does want to complain about it he does so on one of his chat rooms rather than bring it home.

Hence the post.

LaurelBee

I actually get it. You miss your H and want your old life back. I think it's fair of you to miss your imediate family's independence while simultaneously mourn your H's and Mil's loss. Just Bc they have it much worse, doesn't make your struggles invalid.

That being said, you are taking your aggressions out on your Mil. She didn't choose this new life and if she could, she'd change back to her old life too. It's not her fault. She needs your H more than you do right now. Stop raging and placing blame on Mil, when everyone hates the situation they're in.

missyishere

Dude. It should be your loss to mourn. The one and only time I've ever seen my husband cry was the moment I was told my mom died.

MelissaRae1525

Give the lady a break. It's not easy to go about doing things like the love of your life didn't die. My mom was in her late 40s when my dad passed but we still had people helping us make arrangements and dealing with the legal process. I'm sure you have no idea what it's like to lose a parent or a spouse but it fucking sucks and it's an all consuming devastation that you can't prepare for. You're coming off really cold, especially when you said it wasn't your loss. Really? It's your father in law, not some stranger.

CurlyQ284

When she said "not her loss" I took that to mean she's supposed to be there for her husband since he lost his dad. It would be pretty weird if my parent died and I had to pull it together and console DH about it.

ASmallWonder

I know not everyone is close with their in laws but man, the thought of losing either of mine just makes me tear up.  I'm sad that you don't feel this affects you at all.  Like @onederfulmother said - this is your children's grandfather and the father of the man you love.  That right there should make this matter.

potbellypig

OnederfulMother said:

potbellypig said:

CurlyQ284 said:

Wait. You aren't grieving the loss of your father in law and the loss of the grandfather of your Children? 

CurlyQ284 said:

When she said "not her loss" I took that to mean she's supposed to be there for her husband since he lost his dad. It would be pretty weird if my parent died and I had to pull it together and console DH about it.

This.

potbellypig

CTGirl30 said:

When my husbands mother passed 2 years ago, it was a loss for all of us to grieve. She was the grandmother to my children (well, just DD at the time) in addition to the mom of my H. She was family.

How long did it take for things to go back to a (new) normal?

potbellypig

How long did it take for things to go back to a (new) normal?

CurlyQ284

OnederfulMother said:

CurlyQ284 said:

When she said "not her loss" I took that to mean she's supposed to be there for her husband since he lost his dad. It would be pretty weird if my parent died and I had to pull it together and console DH about it.

I fully expect my husband and I to cry together when either of us loses a parent. We would console each other. His loss IS my loss. My loss IS his loss. Your version and the OP's version are what I think is weird.


::shrug:: when DHs grandfather died I took care of my SDs and took care of them during the funeral (DH was a pallbearer), made the plans for travel, made the food for mamaw, went through pictures and had them printed. DH didn't do any of that. And I cried my freaking eyes out at the funeral. I grieved for papaw but I had to support my husband and kids. I can't tell DH and his grandmother "I'm sorry I just can't help you". I need to be the one to pull it together so THEY can fall apart.

Fine if you feel differently but my DH didn't have to worry about stuff, I took care of it. And you might think that's weird but I think I was helpful in their time of need.

robinsokj

All I'm seeing from you is me me me

Your empathy level is in the negatives

missyishere

I'm honestly in tears thinking of how little empathy you have, honestly. Losing a loved one is all but consuming.  Having to deal with the estate matters is so much work; it's basically a full time job.  I can't imagine how difficult it is for your MIL who doesn't know how to handle these matters anyways.  Now you're counting down the days until things are normal?  Maybe you should ask your MIL that question.  

lildevil968

Wow. This post makes you sound completely self absorbed.

When my Grandfather passed away 5 years ago, my mom, and my aunt did everything for my Grandmother. They made all of the arrangements for the funeral, the VA service arrangements, paid all the bills, mowed grass, cleaned her house 3 times a week, etc. They did this so my Grandmother who had just lost her husband of 55 years could grieve her loss. In a way, it helped them grieve also.

RayRay007

potbellypig said:

CurlyQ284 said:

I get it. I got a BFP on a Friday. Tuesday my dad landed in ICU with liver failure. I spent most of my pregnancy sitting in waiting rooms, trying to cheer my mom up/helping her with dumb stuff on the same level as banking, keep everyone positive. I drove them an hour away in the middle of the night when he got the call for the transplant when I was 3 weeks away from my due date so I was hugely pregnant and tired. It sucked. I have a bad relationship with my dad (liver transplant, cirrhosis due to alcoholism and all that that implies). I was also in grad school and working full time. I just wanted a break. So here are some ((hugs)) and ((hair pats)). Its only temporary and soon she will be settled.

Thank you.

I'm not unreasonable or unsympathetic at home, nor anywhere else most of the time. I know it sucks way more for him and her, and I know things will go back to normal. I just want a minute for someone to say "hey, I've noticed this isn't a cake-walk for you, either" and I'll be able to have a little more patience when I get home tonight.

You are, you just keep it in your head. Which I'm sure comes out in your actions. 

potbellypig

OnederfulMother said:

CurlyQ284 said:

CurlyQ284 said:

Yeah, I'm not really getting the vibe from the OP that she's crying, being helpful or really doing shit except focusing on how annoyed she is that her husband is not at home with her, helping her and tending to her. 

Not the case although I'm running out of energy to help. We spent a week and a bit at her home and I took care of all of the cooking and cleaning, as well as making freezer meals for his mom and siblings while FIL was sick. I also helped to plan the funeral and I'm doing what I can to support DH.

Yes this post is "me me me". That's the point. I need a place to vent so that when I go home tonight I don't feel like I need to vent anymore.

potbellypig

RayRay007 said:

potbellypig said:

CurlyQ284 said:

I get it. I got a BFP on a Friday. Tuesday my dad landed in ICU with liver failure. I spent most of my pregnancy sitting in waiting rooms, trying to cheer my mom up/helping her with dumb stuff on the same level as banking, keep everyone positive. I drove them an hour away in the middle of the night when he got the call for the transplant when I was 3 weeks away from my due date so I was hugely pregnant and tired. It sucked. I have a bad relationship with my dad (liver transplant, cirrhosis due to alcoholism and all that that implies). I was also in grad school and working full time. I just wanted a break. So here are some ((hugs)) and ((hair pats)). Its only temporary and soon she will be settled.

Thank you.

I'm not unreasonable or unsympathetic at home, nor anywhere else most of the time. I know it sucks way more for him and her, and I know things will go back to normal. I just want a minute for someone to say "hey, I've noticed this isn't a cake-walk for you, either" and I'll be able to have a little more patience when I get home tonight.

You are, you just keep it in your head. Which I'm sure comes out in your actions. 

Ugh I'm sure it does.

potbellypig

Seriously, your view of this is so skewed, it's making me upset.

Your DH lost his father and your MIL lost her spouse.  And all you care about is when things will go back to normal for you?  That's not all I care about, but to an extent it would be nice to know when I can expect things to be like they were before, yes.

monkeybutt61612

I'm sorry, but you sound like a cold hearted bitch. God forbid you ever loose a parent and want to spend time helping the other one. I hope your husband is a more supportive partner.

Mrs.adambabycakes

There isn't a time limit on grieving, sheesh.

ASmallWonder

potbellypig said:

OnederfulMother said:

CurlyQ284 said:

CurlyQ284 said:

Yeah, I'm not really getting the vibe from the OP that she's crying, being helpful or really doing shit except focusing on how annoyed she is that her husband is not at home with her, helping her and tending to her. 

Not the case although I'm running out of energy to help. We spent a week and a bit at her home and I took care of all of the cooking and cleaning, as well as making freezer meals for his mom and siblings while FIL was sick. I also helped to plan the funeral and I'm doing what I can to support DH.

Yes this post is "me me me". That's the point. I need a place to vent so that when I go home tonight I don't feel like I need to vent anymore.

This just gets better and better.  You're running out of energy?  To do the things that we all do?  Cook, clean, freeze food and plan things (sure, not funerals but we all run or co run households, even when pregnant).

potbellypig

MabelShesTheBomb said:

potbellypig said:

RayRay007 said:

potbellypig said:

CurlyQ284 said:

I get it. I got a BFP on a Friday. Tuesday my dad landed in ICU with liver failure. I spent most of my pregnancy sitting in waiting rooms, trying to cheer my mom up/helping her with dumb stuff on the same level as banking, keep everyone positive. I drove them an hour away in the middle of the night when he got the call for the transplant when I was 3 weeks away from my due date so I was hugely pregnant and tired. It sucked. I have a bad relationship with my dad (liver transplant, cirrhosis due to alcoholism and all that that implies). I was also in grad school and working full time. I just wanted a break. So here are some ((hugs)) and ((hair pats)). Its only temporary and soon she will be settled.

Thank you.

I'm not unreasonable or unsympathetic at home, nor anywhere else most of the time. I know it sucks way more for him and her, and I know things will go back to normal. I just want a minute for someone to say "hey, I've noticed this isn't a cake-walk for you, either" and I'll be able to have a little more patience when I get home tonight.

You are, you just keep it in your head. Which I'm sure comes out in your actions. 

Ugh I'm sure it does.

So you're admitting that you're being a spoiled fucking selfish brat?

Fukc yes. This very moment, I totally am. Absofukcinglutely. And it feels good, for however long this has been posted, to be able to be coming accross as a brat. I am not a brat at home, nor is this usually my perspective.  At this moment I want people to feel sorry for me, too. This is being a brat given the situation.

I'm almost over it and ready to take all of the good advice and perspective home with me.

bullybutt

"Ummm, when are you crybabies gonna stop grieving because I was done the next day.  Plus I need H to be home to sit on the couch with me and watch Wheel of Fortune"

potbellypig

bullybutt said:

"Ummm, when are you crybabies gonna stop grieving because I was done the next day.  Plus I need H to be home to sit on the couch with me and watch Wheel of Fortune"

Yea this is how I feel right now. Putting up with other people grieving is annoying.

Rae1105

pobrecita said:

potbellypig said:

bullybutt said:

"Ummm, when are you crybabies gonna stop grieving because I was done the next day.  Plus I need H to be home to sit on the couch with me and watch Wheel of Fortune"

Yea this is how I feel right now. Putting up with other people grieving is annoying.

Oh.

she was trying to be sarcastic since @bullybutt was sarcastic first right?....right?? 

Rae1105

I wasn't even going to say anything on this thread, but seriously? you want normal? after someone's FATHER died? and it isn't your loss to grieve? Did you ever meet him? Was he an integral part of raising the man that you married and had children with and claim to love? Yeah, your right, totally not your loss. What if your husband changes from this? Some people change after the loss of a parent. Then you will never have normal again. Are you going to blame him? 

Glad you are annoyed after 3 weeks. Try grieving still after 3+ years. It doesn't just fucking go away. Just wow.

MamatoA2010

Have some fucking sympathy, seriously. Your FIL just died and its ONLY been 3 fucking weeks. Please...