This is what I get for moving back home. (long)

LittleNugget93

I'm a single mom. A college student. I lived on my own for a couple of years but after getting pregnant and being left, my only choice was to move home with my mom. (adoption and abortion just weren't options for me) My mom has been VERY gracious. She happily welcomed me home. She has spent a lot of money helping me get things set up for my daughter. Now, however, I feel completely alone. Most of my friends are at school and work all the time, or they have kids of their own. My mom doesn't come home until the time I'm getting ready for bed. She is constantly out at the ranch until late. Then, on weekends, she is gone working on the house that her boyfriend is building. They leave before I get up and come home hours after I go to sleep. (I go to bed around 8:30) I have mentioned to her that I am feeling lonely and I would like for her to spend a little more time with me since everyone else is always so busy. The instant I brought this up, she attacked me. She said that she has sacrificed everything for me to move back in with her and that I don't understand. I do agree that I have become a bit of a burden. However, this has been a trend with my mom since I was 7 years old when she became a lawyer and divorced my dad. She was constantly dating, constantly missing school functions (that were timed specifically so working parents could attend), and when she was around she was angry all the time. She would take time off to go on vacations with her boyfriend but rarely take time off to see me perform in the two choir concerts I had a year. I realize that I am an adult and I have my own daughter to take care of....but it is still difficult for me to get over the past. 

All I'm asking her for is the occasional dinner together where we sit down and talk. I feel so drained and now I feel like I am completely in the wrong and that I should just cope with this life change on my own. 

I guess I'm just looking for advice or sympathy. I understand how I may seem like an immature selfish woman to some of you...but I'd like to ask for help anyway. TIA

Rebecca&Shawn06

I am sorry you are hurting and feel alone. You were brave and did the emotionally intelligent thing by trying to tell your mother how you feel and asking for the support you need. The hard thing is that it sounds like your mother has consistently been unable to respond to that need in a way you want/need. It sounds like your mother is trying to show you she loves you in her own language. We can't change the way people act at a core level--they have to change themselves. In order to stop being hurt by the situation, you may need to change your expectations of her behavior (most of us have been here, too, and know it's not easy,it hurts, etc.). You still deserve the support you need, even if you can't find it in your mother. There are other ways to find support outside of family. Are there mothers groups in your area? A public library that has story time for small children where you might meet other parents?

ASmallWonder

First, I want to say that you aren't wrong in how you're feeling but it seems like you're hoping your mother will be a replacement for the significant other you don't have in your life.  Like I said, it's not wrong that you crave time with someone other than a baby but you also can't put it all on your mom to be the one to rescue you, kwim?  Try to get out and meet other moms.  Also, try making specific plans with your mom that don't focus so much on what you're hoping to get out of it.  Even though your goal is the same, she may react completely differently to "Hey, I'd like to make you dinner tomorrow if you'll be home - what would you like?" or "Any interest in seeing XYZ movie with me?  Maybe we can order it on Friday!" and "I need someone to talk to.  Can't you ever just stay home?"  GL

mmille19

I really think you should try to find a local mother group. Im sure they could be a great resource of advice and friendship for you.

BelhurstBride

I was going to recommend a local mom's group as well. There is something DH learned in therapy that has helped us tremendously in multiple situations... your expectations need to match reality. Despite never making much time for you you're still expecting your mom to want to spend some time with you. That's not reality. It wasn't 20 years ago and it isn't going to be now. I'd try Meet Up and see if you can find some other mom's in your area.