Baby shower etiquette???

Tink1704

So I totally get that you should be grateful for what a host does for you on your shower. My BFF of nearly 18 years is throwing mine. She asked for help and now my mom and dads girlsfriend are helping out. I had mentioned that I really wanted a classy shower and that I would buy the cake because I wanted to put LO name on it and have a cool cake. She told me she had it covered. Now she is talking about doing cupcakes. Would it be wrong to ask to just buy my own cake again? 

Then she has my mom taking care of the food. Who happened to tell me that I wouldnt have time to socialize because she was going to have the guests make their own apple pies and basically turn it into a pampered chef party! She did this at my bridal shower and it was horrible. Over half the party left because they were not interested in buying PC. 

My family and friends know that my ttc journey has been 5 years and one mc. It has been very tough on me and I really want to enjoy a normal shower where you play games and hang out.

Am I wrong for wanting a nice shower without the PC and stuff?  I know its not about the money but at the same time she knows I spent a lot of money on her shower and made it everything she ever dreamed of. She would have been pissed if I did this stuff at her  shower and I feel like its ok for me to have this stuff like she deserves better. Maybe I am being hormonal, but she knows that this is a big day for me. I just dont know what to do?

I am also curious as to what to give as host gifts? I really dont know what is the norm. I know she gave me a $5 scarf something she knows I would never wear, but was thankful in accepting it. I was thinking coffee giftcards?

HopingforChange

I can so relate. My MIL threw me a shower and I was allergic to every single food she ordered except pasta with marinara. I have egg and nut allergies. There was chicken parm (egg), meatballs (egg) and green beans almandine (obviously nuts). I also have GD so I couldn't eat the pasta. There was cake with cake pops and Fannie May Buttercreams and Trinidads (my MIL's faves--I can't eat them normally as I am allergic to coconut) as the favors. She had NO food for me. I had to talk to the manager to get lunch at my own party. It was HER party. I was just there. So, I hear you. I wasn't asked about this in advance--got blindsided.

The PC stuff is NOT cool. I would politely but firmly put my foot down on that one. It is your shower, not an opportunity for your mom to make money. That's just a smidge tacky (no offense intended).

The cupcakes are more of a gray area. Is there a reason she wants to do cupcakes? Is it just a financial thing? What kind of cupcakes? If we're talking about a 12 pack of Wal-Mart cupcakes, then, yes, you have a point. If you are willing to pay for the fancy cake you want, I think that's fine. Just be polite about it. You can say: " I know it's ridiculous and expensive (it is not ridiculous, but this is polite, right?), but I really want X kind of cake. I'll just order that, and it will be one less thing for you to worry about ."

I think coffee cards are a great hostess gift! I got my sister some make up she had been wanting and spent about 30 dollars, but that's my sister. I will probably get my MIL and SIL gift cards to Kohls as they both live there.

ravenclaw1

I would let the cake slide, but not the PC stuff. 

I know you want a fun, fancy cake, but at the end of the day, there could be a reason she's chosen cupcakes instead.

I would politely tell my mom no to the PC stuff. That's annoying.

Tink1704

I guess I should mention that my dads gf is making the cupcakes. She made me a birthday cake last year and I had to CHOKE my piece down it was absolutely disgusting. It was like eating a dry sponge so I am concerned of that. I really dont want to come across as ungrateful or rude just trying to make this not such a party that everyone wants to just leave.

HopingforChange

@Tink1704: you know, you and DH could always go out for a fancy dinner and follow it up with that beautiful cake. There's something kind of lovely about savoring a moment that's been five years in the making with the one other person who totally gets it. Just a thought that might avoid conflict and still help.

Tink1704

that would be a god idea. but hubby is leaving for Afghanistan Sat morning for 10 months. Im not worried about the cake just my mom trying to turn it to a PC party. I have hosted 5 PC parties in 2 years to help her get started but I really think she needs to find others to host parties and not take over my get togethers.

SandSunBliss

ravenclaw1 said:

I would let the cake slide, but not the PC stuff. 

I know you want a fun, fancy cake, but at the end of the day, there could be a reason she's chosen cupcakes instead.

I would politely tell my mom no to the PC stuff. That's annoying.

This, exactly. Cupcakes are still trendy right now i think, so that's probably why she's done that. As far the pc, I would politely tell your mom that you don't feel comfortable asking your guests to buy things. You don't want them to feel like they are in an infomercial. Honestly, if I went to a bridal shower and someone was trying to get me to buy something, I would probably excuse myself early too. I know you want your guests to hang around and enjoy this time. GL!

Serenla

ravenclaw1 said:

I would let the cake slide, but not the PC stuff. 

I know you want a fun, fancy cake, but at the end of the day, there could be a reason she's chosen cupcakes instead.

Just speaking to this, sometimes cupcakes are easier, my grandma is allergic to chocolate so something like cupcakes would be easier for people like her. If you wanted tokeep your LOs name can you spell each letter on a cupcake?

bunnybun4

I agree with most PPs.  I think you have to let the cake slide...she is throwing you the shower and therefore she is in charge of the cake.

Also, I would give a serious side-eye if I showed up to a shower and there was a PC demo...no offense...I just think it is rude to invite people to a shower and then try to sell them something.  I would definitely politely tell your mom that you would be happy to host one on another occaision where guests know that is what they are showing up for but you want your baby shower to be more relaxed and about your baby.

what if you invited a few close friends over one night for cake and then sprung for the cake you are talking about...it could be real low key (obviously no gifts) but just a time to celebrate before the baby comes?

BootsOrHearts

Yeah I can relate there. I was so grateful that DH's aunts threw me a shower but it's not at all what I would have done for myself - invitations printed on the home computer, homemade cake, etc. But you know, they took the time to do it and I was grateful for it and it was a fun time.

However, I would put my foot down on the pampered chef business. That is totally tacky and rude.

springbeduk2

You don't happen to have another friend or relative who could (by having the time to do this and the political skills to pull this off) manage to get themselves put in charge of the food/cake instead of your mom and your dad's gf?  Though hopefully at least your dad's gf will have learned something from the previous cake episode you described ... we can all get caught having tried a recipe that didn't turn out well (but looked good enough to have not pre-tested it before using it to bake for an event) or screwing up in some other way while baking so maybe she is an OK baker and had a bad one-time thing or is still on a learning curve and has progressed up it?  

Or is there something else you know your dad's gf is good at making that you could maybe ask her to make instead so that you can indulge your wish for that long-dreamed of cake (or of really really good cupcakes to fit the current fashion and what a pp said about it being easier to have a variety of flavors/ingredients to accommodate guests with allergies?  One shower we had at school last year had delicious and really beautiful, classy cupcakes)  It's true that a shower is a gift, but ... I also think that it isn't at all wrong for you to have one particular wish like that cake (or something close to it) and make sure it comes true.  

The other thing is that it seems like a large part of your concern about the food isn't just for yourself but also for wanting to make sure that the guests who are coming to support you have a nice experience and that is really valid.  Especially given that you have prior experience of things not going well that way (what you said about pc at your bridal shower) Where it's your friend coordinating the party but your family who are suggesting the not so good food options, she might feel like she has to defer to them because they are your family (hard for one outside the family to say no to grandma-to-be) so you might need to intervene with your family unless there is someone else who can.

also what everyone else said about vetoing the PC part is right on.

Tink1704

My best friend said she is going to put a stop to the PC stuff when they meet this week. She had no idea. So I am glad I mentioned it to her. She also asked about the cake and getting a Costco cake to go with the cupcakes. I told her whatever is fine. She said she wanted this to be a special day and to send her a pic of what I would like. So I did. She is basically family and has no problem putting my mom in her place.
The only reason I am letting my mom be a part of the shower is trying to maintain a cordial relationship. We are not close and she has burned her bridges with me, DH, my father and my BFF. So my BFF really doesnt mind telling her that the PC thing is tacky as all get out. I was freaking because I thought they had already met up and did the planning (since its next Sat).  This is a huge relief since my mom doesnt have much for common sense. I really dont want her cooking in my kitchen. She did 2 years ago for Thanksgiving and stuck a kettle full of Brussels sprouts down the disposer and busted my sink for 3 weeks!
Letting her into my pregnancy journey has been very difficult and the shower was her chance at being a part of it all. That has proven ineffective. In all I really wish I had just kept her out of it completely.

deren1em

Sorry, that sounds frustrating. I think you could let the cupcakes slide but then maybe mention you are going to bring a small cake with baby's name on it in addition to the cupcakes. I would def veto the PC stuff - it is easy to tell mom how you feel more so than to tell a friend. Besides, if there are cupcakes then no need for DIY apple pie, right?! In the end it will be a wonderful day full of friends, family, and cute little wee baby things!!!

Snooches07

I had to take a backseat on my shower and got into it with my sister, who is throwing mine, all because I wanted a larger guest list and she didn't want to pay for and then I offered to pay if she just wanted to host and I finally just had to tell her, whatever you want to do, and step aside. The thing that I don't understand with when someone wants to host your shower is why they find a way to make it about themselves and forget about you. Especially if you've had a journey to either get pregnant or keep a viable pregnancy. But sometimes, it's just better to let that person do what they want, and when the day comes most of the guests will either know that the host didn't think of you during the planning process or they just didn't care. It sucks but at the same time, it's not worth the stress! I've got mine this weekend, so I guess I'll see if my sister thought of me or herself! Lol

Tink1704

Snooches07 said:

I had to take a backseat on my shower and got into it with my sister, who is throwing mine, all because I wanted a larger guest list and she didn't want to pay for and then I offered to pay if she just wanted to host and I finally just had to tell her, whatever you want to do, and step aside. The thing that I don't understand with when someone wants to host your shower is why they find a way to make it about themselves and forget about you. Especially if you've had a journey to either get pregnant or keep a viable pregnancy. But sometimes, it's just better to let that person do what they want, and when the day comes most of the guests will either know that the host didn't think of you during the planning process or they just didn't care. It sucks but at the same time, it's not worth the stress! I've got mine this weekend, so I guess I'll see if my sister thought of me or herself! Lol

I agree. My BFF has asked me countless times what Ideas I have for what I want. I made a board on Pinterest and told her anything was fine but if she needed ideas then to check it out.
I had dinner with my dad and his GF last night and we talked a bit. She too is vetoing the PC. So it looks like things are getting back on track to a "normal" shower.