Clothes and Toys

+just+j+

XH is getting DD from 11/11 to 11/17 because it's his weekend following my business trip.  I could get DD very late Thursday night, only to take her to daycare the next morning and then not see her because he'll pick her up for his weekend. It was pointless - and he refused to move his weekend to the 22-24 and restart EOWE the following week.  But whatever.

My clothes question:  Should I send clothes with him?  Given the DICK he's been for the past month, I'm not in the mood to be the nice guy.  I figure if he has the money to spoil her with toys and all his other Disney Dad activities, then he has the money to cover a week's worth of clothes too.  I never send her in anything for her weekends - per his request because he (R really)"bought her clothes".  I'll dress her in their outfit I took her home in and send their extra pair of shoes I have and their coat, but figure if they want to play mommy and daddy to DD together, then they should start covering some of the same expenses I have.  Am I just being pissy because of the latest row?  Or do you think it's ok?

My toy question:  What do I do with all the toys he buys?  XH likes to be Disney Dad.  Every time he sees DD he buys her toys.  I have enough toys and stuff for DD. Her room is FULL. I don't want anymore, and when I do buy something I get rid of something.  He likes to one up me on toys and send them home with DD even tho I have specifically told him to not to send toys home with her, or to expect them back at their house the next visit.   Last night he picked up DD and she came home with 6 frickin' new toys and candy.  WTH!? I said nothing.  I'm trying to decide if I pack them all up and give them back to them and tell them that DD has so much at home, I don't take issue with her keeping a few favorite toys,  but I can't keep taking on more toys every time I turn around.  

I don't even think I can have the discussion of his spoiling her without it turning into WW3 so I think I'll just let him blow his money.  I just don't want all the crap. 

 

cole2144

IMO if he pays support, you should be sending clothes. Now if they won`t get sent back, make him buy his own.

SimpleJane

He can provide a few outfits for her to have on his time IMO

JessH1474

I think this all boils down to whether you want the argument or not. If it were me, I would send her with clothes, I just don't see the big deal. We have clothes for my ss here but if he comes for an extended stay, he packs a bag. As long as they are being returned then I wouldn't be concerned with this. I would ask that exh keep any toys that are bought as his house. Pick your battles.

+just+j+

I have not always gotten clothes back, but now that R is in the picture, I do.  I don't get toys back that DD has taken with her, so I don't let her take the expensive or meaningful toys. 

cole2144

I would send the clothes. As for the toys, if DD wants to bring her toys to your house to use, I would let her. If on the other hand BD wants to send them all to keep at your house, I would tell him to keep them or you will donate them since you do not have room for them.

twister22

XH can provide a week's worth of clothes.

Honestly, I would donate the toys. If you've already told him that you don't want/need more toys for DD and he send them with her anyway, then there's not much more you can do.

KTdidit

If he has said not to send clothes for his weekend visits then i would assume he doesn't need you to send any this time either. Not to be shitty, just from past precedent. As for the toys, tell him you don't have room for them all and she should keep them at his place so she has something to play with next time she goes. Tell DD the same thing.

CFjo2010

cole2144 said:

IMO if he pays support, you should be sending clothes. Now if they won`t get sent back, make him buy his own.

I'm sorry but I disagree with this.

If BD has her EOWE then he should have plenty of his own clothing.  We pay BM CS each month and we maintain our own wardrobe for K here.  CS isn't meant to maintain K's lifestyle at our home, it's meant for BM's home.  BD knows he is going to have DD for that long period of time and therefore he should plan accordingly.  We would never expect BM to send clothes here for K, we're perfectly capable of providing for her.  Now if there's something that DD wants to bring, she should be allowed to bring it.

kaholland4 said:

 As for the toys, tell him you don't have room for them all and she should keep them at his place so she has something to play with next time she goes. Tell DD the same thing.

This is perfect and completely reasonable.

cole2144

jobalchak said:

cole2144 said:

IMO if he pays support, you should be sending clothes. Now if they won`t get sent back, make him buy his own.

I'm sorry but I disagree with this.

If BD has her EOWE then he should have plenty of his own clothing.  We pay BM CS each month and we maintain our own wardrobe for K here.  CS isn't meant to maintain K's lifestyle at our home, it's meant for BM's home.  BD knows he is going to have DD for that long period of time and therefore he should plan accordingly.  We would never expect BM to send clothes here for K, we're perfectly capable of providing for her.  Now if there's something that DD wants to bring, she should be allowed to bring it.

kaholland4 said:

 As for the toys, tell him you don't have room for them all and she should keep them at his place so she has something to play with next time she goes. Tell DD the same thing.

This is perfect and completely reasonable.

We will have to agree to disagree. We maintain a wardrobe for SD here as well but I don`t feel we should have to pay to clothe SD both here and at her mother`s.

MommyEllenSue

We keep a complete wardrobe for the kids here and BM does at her house also. If he's already told you he has clothes for her than he has clothes, don't worry about it. Also I would just let the you thing go. When you get to much just go through them and donate.

emme022

kaholland4 said:

If he has said not to send clothes for his weekend visits then i would assume he doesn't need you to send any this time either. Not to be shitty, just from past precedent. As for the toys, tell him you don't have room for them all and she should keep them at his place so she has something to play with next time she goes. Tell DD the same thing.

I agree with this and if he requested you not to send them for the weekends then if you did for the week he might get mad thinking you are "implying" he can't take care of her etc, not saying it makes sense but from how he seems to be I could see him trying to turn it into a bad thing.

I would let him know once more that you really do not have the room for the toys so he should keep them for when she is at his house and if he still keeps sending them then donate them.  I think if it is one toy once and awhile that DD was really enjoying playing with it makes sense to send it but it sounds more like he is just sending it for the show of it all.

+just+j+

I'll think on the clothes.  Both sides are valid arguments.  Maybe if I send any, it will be clothes that are decent, but okay to lose. But I won't send a whole week worth.

I'll mention the toys one more time. 

DD latches on to toys and will play with them constantly for a few days to a week.  But some are really favorites and she'll come back to 3-4 same ones. If XH gives it to her and she loves it, fine.  But we do not need new toys every week or another damn monster truck.

Seriously. She had one he bought her this past year. She likes it, but its not a favorite. As of yesterday, he bought a set, and she now has five more small monster trucks now and has not even looked at them.  She loves cars....but I had gotten her a motorcycle this week and she loves it.  He saw it. This felt like an attempt to one up me. I bought her a set of small dinosaurs earlier this month. Yesterday he bought her two big ones.  

At this rate..I can't wait when it comes to a car. Maybe I'll buy her a used Honda and maybe he and his girlfriend will buy her a new Lexus.  I think I'll just quit bitchin' now.....

dannie2011

+just+j+ said:

 

At this rate..I can't wait when it comes to a car. Maybe I'll buy her a used Honda and maybe he and his girlfriend will buy her a new Lexus.  I think I'll just quit bitchin' now.....

I love this part.  I wouldn't bother with the clothes since he said they have some. Normally I would say call and ask if he needs you to send a few extras, but with him it would probably turn ugly.

Mkherren12

Don't send clothes and sell the toys! He won't know and you said you don't want them. Why not make some money off his stupidity. If he doesn't like it he can keep the toys at his house.

twister22

cole2144 said:

jobalchak said:

cole2144 said:

IMO if he pays support, you should be sending clothes. Now if they won`t get sent back, make him buy his own.

I'm sorry but I disagree with this.

If BD has her EOWE then he should have plenty of his own clothing.  We pay BM CS each month and we maintain our own wardrobe for K here.  CS isn't meant to maintain K's lifestyle at our home, it's meant for BM's home.  BD knows he is going to have DD for that long period of time and therefore he should plan accordingly.  We would never expect BM to send clothes here for K, we're perfectly capable of providing for her.  Now if there's something that DD wants to bring, she should be allowed to bring it.

kaholland4 said:

 As for the toys, tell him you don't have room for them all and she should keep them at his place so she has something to play with next time she goes. Tell DD the same thing.

This is perfect and completely reasonable.

We will have to agree to disagree. We maintain a wardrobe for SD here as well but I don`t feel we should have to pay to clothe SD both here and at her mother`s.

BD pays CS, and he *has* (not really, although he can according to the CO) DS EOWE. The CO specifically states that BD is to provide all his own supplies for DS, actually states something like "clothes, food, car seat, etc." BD's CS doesn't cover much at all, so it would be a joke to say that he pays for the clothes both at my house and at BD's.

I think it's different since you guys are 50/50, but I don't think your argument works at all for the EOWE arrangement.

sweetwalks

We pay CS but we still provide clothes for SK at our house. Now, kids grow really fast so DC doesn't have a months worth of clothes. I do laundry all week long to stay caught up and not doing laundry all day on a Saturday, so we could easily clothe SK for longer than a weekend if need be.

I just always hated having to pack a bag like going on vacation when I was a kid. I just wanted to feel like I was going home..not having to pack clothes would have helped

twister22

+just+j+ said:

Seriously. She had one he bought her this past year. She likes it, but its not a favorite. As of yesterday, he bought a set, and she now has five more small monster trucks now and has not even looked at them.  She loves cars....but I had gotten her a motorcycle this week and she loves it.  He saw it. This felt like an attempt to one up me. I bought her a set of small dinosaurs earlier this month. Yesterday he bought her two big ones.  

How does XH know you bought her these things? I'm guessing maybe DD tells him, in which case, there's not much you can do about it. But if it's something like DD taking the toys with her on the car ride or something, I would stop. Try to eliminate XH's toy competitiveness in any way possible. You are right that she will pick up on it and it *may* turn her in manipulative brat. She has a fighting chance since she's got you as her mom, but I wouldn't feed into the "game" XH has going on in his head any more than you have to, if YKWIM.

+just+j+

I get a measley $255 a month.  That does not even come close to covering raising this child.

When XH offers to pay for something - I speak up and let him.  This week I'm hoping to get them to buy her new snow boots and snow pants.  I say "them" because I know R spends money on her well and probably does all the shopping.

Ndsales

We tried to get BM to send clothes back and forth (we have ss for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and All summer) but she would send SS for the 2 day trip with the clothes on his back. We provide toys and clothes for our house and she for hers. We do require that she send him with winter gear for the trip as the weather can change at the blink of an eye up here. I feel bad for SS that he has clothes with holes and are too small with BM, but she insists on doing it her way.

twister22

+just+j+ said:

I get a measley $255 a month.  That does not even come close to covering raising this child.

When XH offers to pay for something - I speak up and let him.  This week I'm hoping to get them to buy her new snow boots and snow pants.  I say "them" because I know R spends money on her well and probably does all the shopping.

BD drives me crazy and is like "Oh well DH will take care of that, right?" Yes, yes he will, since you don't do crap. I should be nice, BD did pay for DS's first month of PreK, and that wasn't required of him. Although, he's supposed to pay for November, which is due tomorrow, and he ignored my text about it - when he NEVER ignores texts. And that's yesterday's WTF Wednesday on your thread lol.

+just+j+

What really kind of grates on my nerves now because I just realized this...XH is spending more on DD than he ever did on XSD. That is if it's not really R's money. I paid for almost everything.  And granted, my and his money was "our money"...he was in and out of jobs all the time and depended on my career and paycheck to cover his lazy ass.   I never paid child support, but I paid for a lawyer once. 

No wonder XSD has issues and is jealous of DD.  I'm beginning to feel empathy for her again. 

I guess I should just be happy for DD. 

cole2144

+just+j+ said:

I get a measley $255 a month.  That does not even come close to covering raising this child.

When XH offers to pay for something - I speak up and let him.  This week I'm hoping to get them to buy her new snow boots and snow pants.  I say "them" because I know R spends money on her well and probably does all the shopping.

That`s crazy we have 50/50 and still pay 800 dollars a month and that is reduced for 50/50.

+just+j+

It was either settle for minimum, or have him completely disappear on me and pay what he wanted when he wanted.  I almost considered just letting him disappear but couldn't do that to DD. 

To his credit, when he was working under the table, he paid in full his monthly payment. 

I'm going to try and up it when the time is right.

XH is blue collar.  It wasn't going to be much more than that anyway.  I would have been lucky to get $400.

twister22

cole2144 said:

+just+j+ said:

I get a measley $255 a month.  That does not even come close to covering raising this child.

When XH offers to pay for something - I speak up and let him.  This week I'm hoping to get them to buy her new snow boots and snow pants.  I say "them" because I know R spends money on her well and probably does all the shopping.

That`s crazy we have 50/50 and still pay 800 dollars a month and that is reduced for 50/50.

What the what?! That's crazy. Is BM a SAHM and DH have a great job or something?

cole2144

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

+just+j+ said:

I get a measley $255 a month.  That does not even come close to covering raising this child.

When XH offers to pay for something - I speak up and let him.  This week I'm hoping to get them to buy her new snow boots and snow pants.  I say "them" because I know R spends money on her well and probably does all the shopping.

That`s crazy we have 50/50 and still pay 800 dollars a month and that is reduced for 50/50.

What the what?! That's crazy. Is BM a SAHM and DH have a great job or something?

BM works for an insurance company and has since DH and her were together. My husband graduated from college in 2012 and is an engineer. While he does now make more than BM, he also has a shit ton of school loans to repay.

+just+j+

She's really getting good at the "Just One" rule.  So it's not too hard with her and she does not appear to be spoiled. Yet.  Thankfully. I'd even settle for two toys to bring home, but not a bag full like Tuesday. I think part of the toy thing was to just set me off further.

He's a flippin' button pusher.