Dear PGAL brain — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

Dear PGAL brain

I wrote one of these around this time when I was pregnant with DS, and I found it very cathartic, so in the hopes of reliving that moment, here goes:

Dear PGAL brain,

It's time to back down.  I found out I was pregnant just over nine weeks ago, and since then I have had a combined two days of feeling like I am going to actually have a baby at the end of this pregnancy.  The rest of the time I have been *certain* that something was wrong.  I was positive I was going to go into the first ultrasound and there would be an empty sac again.  I was positive I was going to go into the second u/s and there would be no HB.  I have been positive that I will have a m/c between the NT scan and my next appointment next week.  Every time my underwear feels damp, I am positive it is blood and not discharge.

You have been wrong every. single. time.  Most people, when they are wrong SO MANY TIMES, learn to close their mouths so they don't look like complete idiots.  But you?  No, you insist on hitting me over the head with one bad thought after another.  "Your bump should be bigger by now if baby is growing."  "You should have felt movement by now."  "Your pregnancy symptoms shouldn't have gone away already."  You're wrong.  You're wrong.  You're wrong.

I am tired of your constant negativity and your attempts to convince me at all times that I will not take this baby home.  I am tired of you letting me have ONE good day after each appointment, if that, to feel confident, only to then remind me that certainly the heart could have stopped beating in the last 24 hours.  Who do you think you are?  You're not G-d.  You don't know everything before it happens.  And that's been proven.  And I'm not going to listen to you anymore.  I'm done with you. 

You know how they say, "It's not you, it's me?"  Well it is you.  This isn't working for me anymore.  I've had enough.  You can pack your bags.  I want you gone by the end of the day.  Don't call.  Don't write.  Just leave me the F alone.  You and I, we're done here.

Sincerely,

Peanut

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BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
 BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14.  4/27/14:  Our second take home baby is here!

pineconeylv2011porterlove525ktwils2010[Deleted User]amwangelMollySmjgreig83tbiscuit18[Deleted User]springbeduk2MrsWallickmightymousyGapeach83Havlousstarfish011mileswithmyles

Re: Dear PGAL brain

  • Haha I love this! I feel like I could have written this letter. Sorry you're feeling so frustrated and scared. I had a late loss, so I am feeling ok for now... But when 30 weeks comes around, I will be a total wreck! And of course, in my mind I am saying *if* I get to 30 weeks. Ugh. Agreed 100% PgAL brain, go away!

    Ava's Story
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    BFP#2 10/18/13  Blighted ovum 11/25/13

    BFP #3 1/31/14 EDD 10/18/14 -- It's a GIRL!

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    MickeyM04
  • Well written and I fully agree that PGAL brain can go F*** off for the remainder of pregnancy!!

    BFP#1 05.2005- didn't know I was pg until m/c.

     BFP#2 11.01.11 EDD 07.15.12  m/c 11.26.11 @ 6.5 weeks

     BFP#3 03.12.12 EDD 11.26.12 mm/c 04.29.12 @ 8 weeks

     BFP#4 10.08.12 EDD 06.08.13 m/c 11.29.12 @ 8.5 weeks

     cp on 03.27.13 BFP#5 09/10/13 EDD 05.25.14 Induced & Emergency C-section 05/09/14 

     

    Lilypie - (7skc) 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    MickeyM04
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  • Haha.  Very good!!!  I would like to banish PgAL brain too.
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    BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.

    BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.

    BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.

    BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section

    MickeyM04
  • Spot. On. I agree with every word.
    BabyName Tickerimage  BabyFruit Ticker  
    DD born 2/3/03
    BFP 3/21/13 w/ EDD 12/02/13, C/P 3/29/13.
    BFP 9/18/13 w/ EDD 5/26/14,
    Beta #1 @ 14-16dpo = 375, progesterone 33.6
    Beta #2 @ 20-22 dpo = 8,782!
    Beta #3 @ 27-29dpo = 44,230, dx subchorionic hemorrhage/ threatened mc
    Beta #4 @ 29-31dpo = 72, 080 :)
    Grow, little one, grow!

    ***** All  AL  Welcome *****

     

    MickeyM04
  • Yeah, shut the f up PgAL brain. Let Peanut enjoy this pregancy :)

    These words are so perfect for so many of us. Thank you for sharing. FX that PgAL brain fades away into the shadows for good now!!

    BFP #1 11/19/12  EDD: 7/25/13  Natural MC on 12/31/12 at 10w4d

    BFP#2 3/1/13   EDD: 11/5/13   Missed MC 4/9/13 at 10w   D&C 4/11/13  
    Baby #2 diagnosed with Trisomy 16. Diagnosed Hetero MTHFR.

    BFP#3 8/5/13   EDD: 4/13/14   Team Green Turned Team Blue! Our rainbow baby, Griffin R arrived via c-section (breech since 20w) on 4/11/14. 

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    MickeyM04
  • This is perfectly worded, I agree completely!


    Married 8.1.2010
    DD #1: Arrived 10.7.2011
    TTC #2 Since March 2013
    BFP 5.20.2013, EDD 1.26.2014, natural mc @ 5 wks 5.25.2013
    BFP 6.21.2013, EDD 3.14.2014, Twins - missed mc @ 7w6d, D&C 8.6.2013
    BFP 10.7.2013, EDD June 20 2014 - It's a GIRL!   


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    MickeyM04
  • So, so true. PGAL brain is a big asshole.
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    BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d

    BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11

    BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d

    BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13

     

    BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14 

    [Deleted User]MickeyM04porterlove525
  • Excellent!
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    BFP 3.8.16  EDD 11.20.16

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    MickeyM04
  • I love this! Perfect balance of true gritty feelings and humor! I'm trying so hard to get rid of PgAL brain as well but I'm not having much success. I'm going to have to reread this in the morning when she takes over again. But I'm gonna try really hard to tell her f*** off for good!! Thank you for this!

    BFP #1: 3/23/13, EDD: 11/22/13, MC: 4/2/13
    Convinced it was a boy and missing him every day!
    BFP #2: 10/25/13, EDD: 7/3/14, Grow baby Grow! Anabelle Rose born 6/6/14 

    image     image

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    MickeyM04porterlove525
  • Very well written. I LOVE this & agree with it 1,000 %. 
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