Making friends in the moms' group

brachysira

Perhaps years as a laboratory scientist have reduced my ability to make friends.  I married someone I met during my PhD work, so now I am in a small city far from old friends and family.  I'm lucky to stay home with my baby, but my friends from the lab are either working all the time or having moved away.  Looking back, I have been friends with neighbors, roommates, friends of friends, and people from work.  Perhaps I have never had the skills to just walk up to people and make conversation leading to dinner or something.  I feel like I need to build my support network and have prioritized this.  I go to the library baby storytime, have joined a mom's group and attend various events, and we go to the neighborhood park pretty often.  At the library, I try to strike up conversations, but they don't get very far.  At the park, no one says "hello" and if I do, I get a curt nod (but moms often come in pairs--so did they meet at the park once?).  At the moms' group, everyone is nice, but I don't really think I have much in common with many of the members and I'm not sure how to change "so what's your baby's name again?" into a friendship, or even if I should expect that a friendship should develop over simply having babies the same age.  Should I seek different groups?  Be more assertive?  Try to fit in more (the mom's group is fashion-savvy, and I dress like a scientist)?  It feels like middle school all over...

Meggiemuggins

Is there something you can do outside of the baby, like are there activities /hobbies you enjoy?  A few year ago I was looking to expand my social circle so I joined a women's choir - BAM a hundred new friends!  I'm not saying you need to join a choir, but is there a sport you like, or even taking a cooking class or something might be fun.

I agree - it can be tricky to make friends at this stage.  I think it will be easier once our LOs are in school and we meet their friends' parents, but that seems a long way off!

brachysira

Yes--I did join a tennis club and I really like the people--I am often telling my husband that I have more in common with the 60 year-old man who is often my doubles partner than anyone in the moms' group.  This group is tricky though--a lot of people are divorced or single and although they do social things, the events aren't very baby-friendly.  I feel guilty going out too often without my husband (especially if he has to care for the baby since he doesn't go out socially and leave me with her often) and he's not interested in this group.  Plus, although I'm friendly with this group, I'm not sure I really feel comfortable inviting people I know pretty casually over to my house to be around my baby, which I think would be the best way to further these friendships in a family-friendly kind of way.

I do agree that the moms' group may get better when the babies are older.  Right now everyone is so focused on their own baby that there isn't much time to chat.  Plus the subtle age differences really matter (a 2 year-old steals my baby's toy...so she screams but then spots a toy in a 3 month-old's hand she wants...blah).

mishka29

I often find myself in the same boat. Im not very outgoing and my small talk is pretty poor. I did make friends with a neighbour who has a small baby too. I saw her out with her baby and walked right up and said hi. So not me, i was pretty proud of myself! Lol

tamarar5

If you find the right answer key me know! I have the same problem. It's pretty sad that I can count the number of "friends" invited to my wedding on one hand and still have fingers left over.

Myzticsunshine

Glad to see I'm not alone in being socially challenged. Lol

Drea926

When I was home on mat. leave for 7 months I totally was like a desperate single girl again - "OMG you have a baby and I have a baby. We have so much in common - let's be best friends!"

I'd say just keep at it - it sounds like you're putting yourself out there! If I see a mom with an older baby I try to think of something to ask - everyone loves to be an expert! Or I always go the compliment route - "What an adorable outfit, did you get that at Carter's?!" Whatever it takes to break the ice! :P

brachysira

uncaripswife said:

I feel this way, too.  Remember when we were kids and we just played with whoever was around.  Now, it feels so hard to make friends.  I don't have any advice.  Just commiserating.

Unless you happen to be in central Massachusetts... in which case... want to meet up for coffee? 

Ha--no--Michigan.  I really think there must be moms everywhere in the same boat tho!  I mean, if so many people here feel this way, it must be true that other moms would welcome someone trying to be their friend.  The vibe I get at the library and park is more like, "not interested."  I was telling my DH that every single friend I've had is someone who has known me through circumstance and then decided to be my friend.  Whereas this public method involves deciding I look like a friend and then investing in getting to know me.  Perhaps I need to evolve my look to attract more women...

Drea926

@unicaripswife - I live in the metrowest area of MA...I wonder how close we are!

musicalmama5

Meeting mom friends is like dating! Just remember that there's a good chance that they actually feel the same way you do. Maybe the indifference you are getting from people is actually the same nervousness and lack of confidence that you are feeling (and maybe they feel that you are being indifferent to them!)

I would say keep at it. My mom can make friends with just about anyone, it's really quite amazing. The thing she does is asks a million questions. She gets the other person talking about themselves (because we all love to talk about ourselves) and from there the conversation just flows. You can always start out with a compliment, but be prepared to ask a few questions to get things going. 

Don't worry about dressing differently. Work that scientist look! (please tell me you are wearing socks with sandals)

meechellebelle

uncaripswife said:

@Drea926 - I'm in Leominster and work in Boston.  How close are we?  Leominster isn't really close to anything... except Fitchburg. 
:P

Anything west of 495 is no mans land
I'm in mass too haha. From Lynn, living in Amesbury now!

brachysira

musicalmama5 said:

Meeting mom friends is like dating! Just remember that there's a good chance that they actually feel the same way you do. Maybe the indifference you are getting from people is actually the same nervousness and lack of confidence that you are feeling (and maybe they feel that you are being indifferent to them!)

I would say keep at it. My mom can make friends with just about anyone, it's really quite amazing. The thing she does is asks a million questions. She gets the other person talking about themselves (because we all love to talk about ourselves) and from there the conversation just flows. You can always start out with a compliment, but be prepared to ask a few questions to get things going. 

Don't worry about dressing differently. Work that scientist look! (please tell me you are wearing socks with sandals)

No socks with sandals...  and I even avoid wearing my holey acid exposed t-shirts and iron-spotted field pants.  But...I may have worn a few slightly acid-dissolved sweatshirts to baby-walks with the moms' group...  I usually look okay, but I certainly don't look like I shop every week like a lot of the people in the group.

Drea926

meechellebelle said:

@Drea926 - I'm in Leominster and work in Boston.  How close are we?  Leominster isn't really close to anything... except Fitchburg. 
:P

Anything west of 495 is no mans land I'm in mass too haha. From Lynn, living in Amesbury now!

Haha! I'm in Medway which is on 495....so I guess I'm on the border of No Man's Land!

kleigh926

I'm probably one of those people that would seem like I'm not interested. My problem is, I'm pretty shy and awkward if I don't know you, so I try to avoid talking to people I don't know so that I don't embarrass myself! It sucks... I know I come off as really stand-offish, but I don't know how to change. I used to feel socially awkward in all situations, even with friends I knew well.

Anyway, I'm not very good at making new friends either. Most of my friends are from church and a couple from work. I have one friend from high school that I keep in contact with. Honestly, if it weren't for my church friends, I would probably have like 2 friends You're not alone!

wifeofadam

I totally feel your pain.  I always feel like an outcast when I'm at the park as all of the moms come straight from the pre-school pick-up.  They are all in a uniform, it seems, in matching yoga pants and cute shirts.  And there I sit in my long skirt and headcovering, feeling like a social leper with my unsocialized homeschooled kids   I always try to spark conversation, but I have a hard time relating to them when the bulk of their conversations center around pre-school activities and hwo they have to volunteer in their classrooms or it's about the million activities their older children who are in school are participating in.  My life is just so very different, and so it's hard to relate.

I've found that it's nearly impossible to find other mothers who are exactly "like me" and I guess it would be boring to be around them anyways.  Sometimes it's nice to be around people that are very different to bounce ideas off of (and then other times I long for someone to make me feel a little more normal).  My BFF is nothing like me in terms of the way we dress or live, and her kids go to public school, but we both have four children very close in age and are birth junkies, so we can still relate to each other.  And then I have another close friend whose kids are close in age and although we dress nothing alike, we are both kind of crunchy and homeschool, so we have a lot to talk about.  My other friend dresses like me and homeschools, but lives a very different lifestyle still.  None of these women are exactly like me, but I cherish their friendships and input as mothers for very different reasons.

I guess my point is, give people a chance even if they may not appear to have a lot in common with you at first glance!

PB&J9

I know how you feel too!  It's kind of comforting to see that so many other people feel the same way I do.  Meeting new mom friends is kind of like dating!  OP, I also joined a mom's group and feel the same way about the conversations never going farther than 'what is your babies name? etc"  So many of my friends are single, childless and they keep moving away.  I've moved a few times in the last 8 years so that doesn't help either.  I recently made friends with a neighbor who is a mom. I just went up to her door, rang her bell and introduced myself!  We've gotten together with the babies a few times.  It's kind of awkward but it's getting more comfortable each time as we get to know each other better.  It's totally like dating, but I'm funny about not wanting to call her too often and seem desperate, lol!  I'm in a grad program and I talk to people in class but it doesn't go further than there much.  I've been invited to a few things and have invited others, but I think I'm often left off the invite list because people assume I'm busy with the baby.  They go out to the bars often, so yea I can't really go to that much. 

My advice to you is to keep going to your groups and making small talk.  After you've seen the same person a couple of times you might start remembering that babies name and what she's been doing recently so you can ask about it.  You could take a leap and ask that mom if they'd like to come over for a play date one day or meet at a park.  Clearly there are a lot of moms out there (like a bunch of us on this board!) who feel the same way you do, so we should all get out there and make the initiative! 

newmompeanut

I don't have much advice, but just wanted to say I feel the same way!  If anyone's in western wisconsin let me know

brachysira

Well, good news--today a moms' group event was more fun than previous.  I suspect that some of the moms' group is not a good fit--I can't quite put my finger on why--but there are a few of the people who seem like I have a little bit better time with...which is promising.  I do think that it may just be that these people are a little older and more secure, which means they have the confidence to be nice to me and sort of bridge the gap when I am unable to be as friendly and outgoing as needed to make a new friend from scratch.  These women also seem more confident in their parenting (some have older children), which helps too--since they don't just want to compare milestones, brag about successes, and complain about parenting styles of others (not that those things aren't fun--but they don't quite work with people you are trying to befriend).