Baby Confusion/Illness in Family

aliciamarie03

This discussion started out as a response I was going to post on someone else's question. The more I typed, the more I thought maybe I just needed to ask on my own.

I've wanted to be a mommy my whole life. Even in kindergarten when they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, I said a mommy. After DH and I got married, I got a bad case of baby fever. It went on for YEARS. Each time I brought it up, I felt like he was looking for the rip-cord on his seat to eject himself out of the room. He was not ready in the least, not that I could really blame him. We were relatively young (mid 20s), and everyone gets there in their own time. Now DH is ready to go with gusto, and I'm the one that isn't ready. After my last episode of baby fever and his rejection of the idea, it was like a light switch going off. At first, I had a pretty bad case of depression (and the three baby showers for family members that I had to attend in that time frame didn't help... Not that I wasn't happy for them, but you know how it can be). Then, it was like I woke up one day and just didn't want it anymore. We've spent so much time without children, that I feel like I've gotten too comfortable this way. I know deep down I still want children, but I feel like I've suppressed it to the point of submission. On top of all of that, we recently learned that my father is very ill and we aren't sure how much time we have left with him, hopefully a few more years. DH actually said we could start having a baby so my father won't miss out on meeting and getting to know the little one. Is it wrong that I feel like he's only relenting now because he doesn't want to feel guilty for saying no for so long later? He made no suggestions of TTC until we got the news. I want to think the best of him, but I'm a bit skeptical. I know I should talk to him about this and I will, but I was hoping for some outside perspective from anyone with a similar issue.

jnnfrrose6

I agree with PP.  Illness and death can make a person really look at their life and what's important to them.  He may have just had a realization that life isn't short, or he may be seeing how your family is responding to your father's illness and want to create a family of his own.  It's definitely time for you and DH to have a conversation about it, both about why he's now ready (beyond just having a child before your father may pass) and why you're now not so sure you're ready.

AlanaB2010

People's gut feelings on big decisions swing all over the place.  Sounds like you are going through some emotional times, and some decision-making processes, and you and DH are swinging in different directions and having different reactions (which you don't have to psychoanalyze him for - I'd just accept that emotional times + different people = different responses).  Totally agree with PPs - talk with him and wait and see where your emotions land.  And FWIW, that "I know deep down I still want children" feeling is one I completely understand - feeling that you have to take a chance on a family even though it's scary, because really, are you going to miss out on that experience?  Maybe you just need some time considering all the changes going on, but maybe DH would be glad to know you feel that way and that you'll just have to keep chatting and revisiting the issue and the better time for it will come.

SmileyJay

My husband and I got married "young" (21) and decided we would wait around 5-7 years before having babies just to give ourselves a solid foundation. Earlier this year, when I was 23, my dad died suddenly and that threw everything for a loop. After mourning the loss and finding so much comfort and friendship in my husband, stuff like fully funding our Roth IRA or paying off student loans didn't really seem like good reasons to delay experiencing the joys of children. We are still planners and feel stability is important... But family is important too and you only have the present.

Needless to say, this has moved our time table up. We aren't ttc yet but probably within the next year after a trip we have been planning overseas.

I say all of this because death affects people in different ways. For us, it put things in perspective. There is alao some drive to bring light to darkness... New life makes death a lot more bareable.

Just talk to him, but don't make the mistake that he is only wanting a child to avoid guilt or as a temporary reaction to bad news. Facing death and feeling the support of family are some of the few circumstances that have the ability to really change people.

aliciamarie03

Thank you all for the kind responses. I think you ladies are right- we're both reacting in different ways. DH is out of town for work at the moment, but I'll sit him down for a talk when he gets home (it only seems right to have this conversation face to face).