XP from 6-12 board: Anyone do marriage counselling?

cattre

I am not a regular poster but I want some opinions and don't feel like letting everyone in our "circle" know about this.

 My husband and I have a DS, 2.5, and a DD, 10 months.  Our family life is great it's our relationship that has suffered in the last few years and yesterday it came out.  My DH feels that I never turn the mom switch off, and I can't understand how he expects me to when they are around.  Once they go to bed, all I want to do is sit and veg a bit and I geuss he misses the time we used to spend together.  I agreed with everything he said, our sex life is sucky, it's almost awkard if I'm being honest, we don't have date nights much since we have no family around (although I have found a sitter I am comfortable with now, she comes when the kids are already sleeping) and all in all we don't really do much besides be with the kids.  I grew up in a house where my parents went out every single weekend on Saturdays, now I know why I guess, to keep their relationship alive.

 Anyway, anyone have experience with this and get passed it?  He brought up a good point, he said that in 15 years from now when the kids are living their own lives all we'll have is eachother and I would hate for it to not be there anymore : (  Makes me sad, I knew having kids would change things but I never imagined this much!

TIA

abpdjs

now that you have a babysitter you are comfy with can you have her sit once a month on a Saturday so you and dh can have a night out?  that's a start.  when the kids go to bed can you and dh veg out together (not every night b/c i know we all need alone time) but maybe turn on a movie together and forgo the household chores 2 nights a week?  Sometimes you have to force yourself to do these things but once you are doing them you don't regret taking the time out together.  dh and i have been there at times.  we just refocus and take the time out together that we need.

shouldbeworkin

DH and I went through the same thing last year!  We went to counseling this fall and it really helped.  Everything both of you are saying is correct.  It is really hard to turn off the mommy switch, especially when you have really little ones, and you have to put time into your marriage so it's still there when your kids are off living their own lives.  One small thing we did that really helped was to sit down every night after the kids are in bed and talk.  I had a really hard time being intimate with my DH if we weren't connecting in that way and it is just so hard to talk when the kids are awake that we have to make a point to do it after they go to bed.  We did start going out 2-4x a month.  For me, a Saturday night is hard b/c I'm so tired from being with the kids and running errands all day.  So, we would go out for a quick dinner on Mondays and it worked great.  Sometimes we have a date at home.  We put the kids to bed, make some apps, open a bottle of wine and watch a movie together.  We just needed to get creative and thing of different ways to do things within our limits and it worked out great.  We're so much happier now and have a much healthier, stronger marriage. 

I highly recommend reading this book, too: https://www.amazon.com/Children-Learn-Their-Parents-Marriage/dp/0060929308

Halo79RN

we have this problem. we're so snippy with one another now.  We work alternating schedules.  ( I work nights and many weekends to avoid childcare expense, daycare is insanely expensive here, well, all over, but especially here). Last semester dh was teaching a few night classes...so we didnt' see each other much at all.  this semester will be different and my goal is to find a sitter for a monthly date night.  We need it!  His parents were just here and we (I) had planned on a date night and we didn't go... b/c dh didn't feel like it.  He's not on the same page.  We're so far away from family that we haven't visited home in 2 years.  I say, with two little ones at home, it would be nice to live closer to them and have the help. his response, "we don't need help."  ... My response is maybe you don't but I do... since I"m the one with them Mon-Fri.   It'll get better.  I'm sure of it.  Date night is important though. My parents went out some when I was a kid ... we stayed at my GPs house while they went out.  nice.  I just hope we find a sitter this semester!  we need one!

Married3.22.03

I think everybody struggles with this to some degree.  It's HARD when you have little ones, who depend on you for everything, to be able to be mommy all day and then wife as soon as the kids are in bed.  As you said, it's hard to turn off the "mommy switch."

One area we've had issues is when DD has a "clingy" day, by the end of the day I do not want to be touched at all!  Just leave me alone!    But DH obviously hasn't been home for all of that, and then he comes home and really "needs" to be able to hug me, have his arm around me, etc.  So that's something we're continually working through, but we both have to give a little.  He has to understand that it's not personal to him, it's just that I do not want someone hanging on me for one second longer that day!  And I have to understand that he has been at work all day, hasn't witnessed DD's needs that day, and he's just trying to "reconnect" with me the best way he knows how.

We had some major life issues that really affected our marriage about 2-3 years ago.  Even though the initial crisis is over, that event(s) has still been affecting us, and has really changed our marriage -- some for better, and some not.  I believe we are stronger because of having gone through difficult times together, but I also know that Satan has really used that as a tool to try to destroy our marriage.  It took us until this past fall to realize and admit that this was still affecting us and the way we were to each other.  Those initial days when we were hashing out all the problems and pitfalls and trying to figure out where it all started to discreetly go downhill, those were the hardest days.  After we sort of put everything "out there," we were able to more clearly see what our issues were and think of solutions for them.

Since then, we've had a much happier and more understanding marriage.  Not that we were "unhappy" before, but we were just sort of treading water.  I feel much closer to DH and feel more able to just talk to him and share my thoughts and feelings with him (whether they are big things or just everyday stuff), and I know he feels the same way.  We've been honest with each other about what we each need from the other person -- I think for a long time we were both just assuming the other person would "get it" or figure it out w/o us having to say something, and that's just not how it works!  Date nights have been a huge help.  That doesn't always mean we go out somewhere, but even just setting aside the time at home to watch a movie, play a game, or just hang out and talk.  We try to do this at least once a week, but we maybe only go OUT like once a month.  It is very hard for me to leave DD (even though it's only with her grandparents), but I know it's so important for our marriage, and really in the long run, we're also doing this "for" our DD.  We want her to have parents who are happily married and love and respect each other.

I know it's hard and I know you're sad.  You have every right to be!  But hang in there, and really try to push yourself and your DH to find some solutions that will work for you guys.  GL!

TheNextWest

We did marriage counseling last year. We had to try two different counselors to find one the worked for us. The first guy was ok, but he basically just told my H everything he was doing wrong. I had heard he was hard on the men, but that wasn't helpful and he didn't give us any tools at all. The 2nd guy was awesome. He really heard us and helped us deal with the underlying issues, plus gave us some GREAT exercises that taught us how to really listen/communicate with one another.

 Another HUGE help in our marriage was reading Gary Chapmans "Five Love Languages" together. We read the men's edition, but it made a HUGE HUGE difference in our understanding of each other. I recommend it to EVERYONE.