I already feel like a bad mom: choosing bottle over breast feeding

Sunshine7117

I'm a FTM and I know and understand the benefits of breast feeding.  It's a wonderful, awesome thing.  I will do it in the hospital when the baby is first born, but honestly after that I just don't have the desire or impulse to continue. 

My mom did not, my mother-in-law did not, and my sister is not right now with her baby.  I actually feel comfortable with my decision, but I am worried what everyone else is going to say about it as I know people have very strong opinions on this topic and I dont feel like dealing with negative backlash.

My husband also feels strongly that I should try and breastfeed, but I just dont want to.  I know myself and I would get too consumed and overwhelmed with the schedule and would not be able to enjoy the first weeks/months of my baby's life.  I realize I will not be sleeping much once this baby arrives but I feel like I will be LESS exhausted and happier using a bottle.  And it's important to me to really ENJOY this time.  I know it's a beautiful, wonderful thing and I respect anyone that has the stamina and will power to breast feed, I'd just rather have my husband/mom be able to help me feed baby and have a little more flexibility in my schedule.

I'm not looking for any judgment or negative comments here, as I know this is a hot topic, but any advice from mom's who have found themselves in a similar situation ( and how you dealt with people's opinions and/or a husband who felt you should breast feed. )

mcgeeva

Don't feel bad you do what works for you. I bf and I was 100% against it before having my son. Some how having a baby changed my opinions on it. But with that said I see nothing wrong with formula. I used it as well. Do what makes you and baby happy and I totally understand wanting others to help. And when you first start bfding there isn't extra supply to have others do feedings right in the begining. Don't feel bad. You will be busting your rump for that little one when it arrives any ways. And a man - tell him what you feel works for you. It's your body.

aeh72

Please don't take this as a judgement (or an attempt to change your decision) because it truly is not - I formula fed my son, and it was very helpful that my husband could feed him too - but don't stress yourself about it or make any final decisions right now.  You say you plan to breastfeed in the hospital. You may find you enjoy it more than you think you will and might find that it is manageable.  Let things unfold and see what feels right.  It might be BFing, it might be bottle feeding with pumped milk or bottle feeding with formula, but know whatever route you take, your child is being nourished and that is the most important thing.  Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about your decision.  Remember this phrase - "I appreciate your suggestion/concern/advice, but this is what is working for us."  You will use it a lot - and not just about how you feed your child!

KateLouise

I EBF both my girls, and am still BF my 20mth old, so I don't have the perspective you were after, however I just wanted to say that no matter what choices you make as a parent there will be someone who thinks you're doing it wrong. 

A friend came to my home and said, "ugh I couldn't do that" with a tone of disgust, as I nursed my toddler. I just shrugged my shoulders at her because I couldn't care less what she wants to do with her baby, and her disgust doesn't negate how right my decisions are for me.

So some phrases like, "we're doing what's right for us." "this is the decision we've made." etc etc can come in handy for a whole host of situations. That, or just letting your eyes glaze other and turning away works too. I think the important thing is not to try and justify or explain your decision. As soon as you start saying, "we're doing x, y and z because..." then it gives people an opening to argue or to suggest other things, and they think their opinion matters, and it doesn't.

In terms of your husband, yes it's your body but equally it's his child. Is there a compromise point like pumping breastmilk (even if you do a mix of BM and formula?) Not that pumping works for everyone, but maybe it's something you could consider if you haven't already.

Best wishes dealing with everyone, judgey-mcjudgersons suck.

MommyCC22

I was feeling the exact same way earlier this month. I BF with my first child and I am still struggling to figure out what I'm doing with this one because BF for me wasn't the best experience. I'm going to try it, if it doesn't go well I'm not going to beat myself up about it, so you try not to either. At least we tried. Nothing is wrong with formula.

jmajor5

I should preface my comment by saying I BF'd my son until he was 1 year. For me, it was absolutely the best decision and I'm glad I stuck with it for as long as I did. Having said that, I personally feel like every mother is judged in some form when choosing their feeding method. A lot of BFing moms don't understand why you wouldn't "give them the absolute best" while moms and my other public opinions don't understand why you would choose BF...especially in public. How scandalous!

This will not be the only thing you're judged on as a mother so just take every comment with a grain of salt and know that only you know whats best for yourself, your situation and your baby. Good luck!

growingmybun

I think that you're really smart for protecting yourself and knowing your limits.  Happy moms put their babies at ease.  

rowanthefrog

I think you will enjoy this blog.

www.fearlessformulafeeder.com

She also wrote a wonderful book.

A

PetuniaFeatherbottom

I wish I could have bf'd my daughter, but I had no milk. I was ashamed that I couldn't do this very simple, natural thing that every woman since the dawn of time could do. I felt like a failure. But dd never went hungry, because formula saved the day. If I can bf this one, I will. If not, so be it. You do you, and what works for you and your family is the right thing. As pp said, you might find that you like it, or you find something in between. Try to be open minded, but in the grand scheme of things, as long as junior is fed, it's fine.

PrimRoseMama

Its your boobs and your baby. Do what you feel is right for you. When your husband has boobs then he can decide. Fuck everyone else. They are not the ones that will have to deal with the pain in the beginning and the work it takes to BF. If you don't want to do it then you don't. It doesn't make you a bad mom. 

Just FYI : You can't tell folks how to respond to your post. You just put it out there and you get what you get. 

KevsLove

Do/will you love your child?
Will you feed your child when they're hungry?

If you answer yes then that is ALL. THAT. MATTERS.

Let the haters hate, screw them. You, as LOs parents, is all that matters.

erin2011

Do what's right for you and your family, because in the end, that's what is most important! 

2010weddinggal

OP, you will take care of your child no matter how you to choose to feed him/her, good luck and get a good support system.

shiway

This gets me: sorry but why shouldn't you feel guilty. You say you know the benefits of breastfeeding. But do you know the risks of formula feeding? Because if you did you would do everything In your power and ability to breastfeed your baby. Yes feeding your baby is important and congratulations to everyone who does. I know the benefits of using a cat seat but if I chose to not use one I would get arrested (or ticketed and possibly child services called) formula is nothing like breast milk and never can or will be. You are not doing the best for your baby if you choose formal over breast milk. I'm sure there are many parents who say "well my baby turned out just fine". How do they know? You can never know the potential of your child if you had made the other choice. There are so many moms who would have given anything to breastfeed their baby and because of unfortunate circumstances had to resort to formula. I will never understand why someone chooses to have a baby and then gives them formula on purpose instead of how nature intended you to feed your baby. And don't think for a second it's just about nutrition. There are so many other important elements of breastfeeding!

hlb622

shiway said:

This gets me: sorry but why shouldn't you feel guilty. You say you know the benefits of breastfeeding. But do you know the risks of formula feeding? Because if you did you would do everything In your power and ability to breastfeed your baby. Yes feeding your baby is important and congratulations to everyone who does. I know the benefits of using a cat seat but if I chose to not use one I would get arrested (or ticketed and possibly child services called) formula is nothing like breast milk and never can or will be. You are not doing the best for your baby if you choose formal over breast milk. I'm sure there are many parents who say "well my baby turned out just fine". How do they know? You can never know the potential of your child if you had made the other choice. There are so many moms who would have given anything to breastfeed their baby and because of unfortunate circumstances had to resort to formula. I will never understand why someone chooses to have a baby and then gives them formula on purpose instead of how nature intended you to feed your baby. And don't think for a second it's just about nutrition. There are so many other important elements of breastfeeding!

Yes, we all know about the benefits of breast feeding, but some moms can't or choose not to and there should be absolutely no shame in that. It's bullshit that we live in a society where women feel the need to judge one another because of the way they choose to parent. Because guess what? We all bring different baggage, life experiences, and personal preferences to the table, so no two moms are going to do things the same way. I'd venture to say it's quite impossible, actually.

OP, however you choose to feed your child is solely up to you. You said that you're comfortable with your decision, but you're worried about what everyone else is going to say. Stay confident in your decision then and screw everyone else. You need to do what you think is best for your family.

Oh, and comparing breast feeding to using a car seat is fucking ridiculous. There's no law against formula feeding your child. Nor should there be.

Angel5218

Look, I am all about BFing and I chose to EBF because I can. I am a SAHM and am more then able to do so. That being said I don't think ANYONE has the right to judge another based on a personal choice. Sure BFing is the best but formula isn't the devil either. My whole generation was practically formula fed and we all turned out ok.
Formula is there for moms who can't or decide not to BF. You're not a bad mom for deciding to use formula.

I will say that if you can at least give BFing a try. I was not sold on BFing when I had my first but I decided I would try b/c any BFing, no matter then length, is beneficial. I never imagined how strongly I would want to continue BFing once I started. None of my friends/family expected me to succeed at it b/c I just wasn't sold on it. Now with my second I cannot imagine doing anything other...but again that is me and I am in the situation where I can.

My advise would be to at least try, but even if you don't you should never feel like a bad mom for using formula. We are so quick to judge other moms and its wrong b/c each situation is different and no one has the magic answer for everything. Do what is right by your child and by yourself.

laurakaz13

PrimRoseMama said:

Its your boobs and your baby. Do what you feel is right for you. When your husband has boobs then he can decide. Fuck everyone else. They are not the ones that will have to deal with the pain in the beginning and the work it takes to BF. If you don't want to do it then you don't. It doesn't make you a bad mom. 

Just FYI : You can't tell folks how to respond to your post. You just put it out there and you get what you get. 

All of this!  I BF and used formula.  I made sure that both DD and I were happy and we were!  That's all that matters.  BTW, the only judgey bitches I've ever "met" have been on The Bump.  Never in real life. 

laurakaz13

shiway said:

This gets me: sorry but why shouldn't you feel guilty. You say you know the benefits of breastfeeding. But do you know the risks of formula feeding? Because if you did you would do everything In your power and ability to breastfeed your baby. Yes feeding your baby is important and congratulations to everyone who does. I know the benefits of using a cat seat but if I chose to not use one I would get arrested (or ticketed and possibly child services called) formula is nothing like breast milk and never can or will be. You are not doing the best for your baby if you choose formal over breast milk. I'm sure there are many parents who say "well my baby turned out just fine". How do they know? You can never know the potential of your child if you had made the other choice. There are so many moms who would have given anything to breastfeed their baby and because of unfortunate circumstances had to resort to formula. I will never understand why someone chooses to have a baby and then gives them formula on purpose instead of how nature intended you to feed your baby. And don't think for a second it's just about nutrition. There are so many other important elements of breastfeeding!

You are an asshole. 

missesru

When it comes to decisions that I have made with my daughter I've always felt best when I went with what felt right for me and my family.  I'm a researcher/planner/etc, and anytime I tried to follow the advice of others that didn't feel instinctually right for me, it didn't work out.  The bottom line is that whatever you choose, choose what's best for your entire family.  Also, there's no reason to have to make this final decision right now.  You may change your mind once baby arrives.  You might not.  It is beneficial to prepare yourself so that you're able to make the right decision for you when your mind is cloudy and you've just given birth - so it's great you're thinking about it now.  But like all things with being a FTM, I think it's good to go in with an open mind.  Good luck!

VVT3111

i was breast feeding at first and whew i was tired. i was extremely tired always waking up every 2-3 hours. i didnt want to but i decided to bottle feed i felt horrible BUT im less stressed and i get more sleep and i remind myself my baby is still good and eating and happy. so that's all that matters. you shouldn't feel like a bad mom. either way your baby is still getting fed. also you never know..it might change after the baby is here. a lot of moms love the connection with the baby being on the breast more than pumping. i also did pumping but it got boring and it wasnt like breastfeeding and seeing my baby skin to skin with me. it was very beautiful but tiring lol. but again you shouldn't feel bad.