Stay at Home Moms

Getting away with things

I have a family member who was recently arrested for shoplifting. This was the first time she was caught, but DEFINITELY not the first time she had done it. Recently, it had apparently been a very frequent occurrence. Her attorney feels confident the case will be dismissed for a variety of reasons. I have not talked with this family member about it, but from what I have heard second hand, it doesn't seem like she is remorseful about doing it, only that she got caught. This family member has also gotten away with being less than honest during bankruptcy proceedings two different times during her adult life.

I do hope that the case gets dismissed because a theft conviction would have some very negative consequences for this family member and other members of the family. I don't want to see bad things happen to her. But I also find myself very frustrated with her for not really taking responsibility for her mistakes and I just feel like the same scenarios keep repeating themselves over and over. I can't talk about this with really anyone in my personal life so it helps to vent here.

Do you think people often change in situations like this without having to face the consequences of their actions? What, if anything would you say to this family member about how you feel about their actions? Or would you just stay out of it? TBH, I will never actually talk to her about this, but DH has and certainly will again.

I know I need to let this go because there isn't anything I can do about her actions and I don't want my feelings about it to negatively impact my relationship with her over the long term. I am hoping that after the court date we will all feel some closure to it and I can just let it go. Despite some obviously significant flaws, she is a good person and she loves me, DH, and DD very much and that is what is important.

this is going to be a post and run because I have to go to the grocery store, but I will definitely be back in a couple hours and really appreciate any thoughts people have since I can't talk to anyone else about this.

Re: Getting away with things

  • Honestly, I think people like that don't really ever change without some good counseling regardless if they get punished or not.
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  • Didn't you already tell us this was your MIL?
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  • @katemw, I did, I just didn't put it in here because I am paranoid about someone figuring out who I am who knows my family, but I guess they could look at it in previous posts anyway so it doesn't really matter.



    I definitely understand what you guys are saying about consequences, but part of me is not sure a whole lot would change even if she was convicted. She might not shoplift or break the law but I think the problems would just manifest themselves in some other way.



    I don't think counseling would help at this point bc she doesn't recognize she has a problem, isn't motivated to change what she does recognize is a problem, and blames others for a lot too. I just don't know if things will ever change, but maybe I am being overly pessimistic. I just hate that DH has had to deal with this and other shit his whole life.



    @Cnamom was your friend convicted?
  • Honestly, given her history, it sounds like getting some serious consequence is what would be best for her. Why should stealing not have an impact on her life?


    I agree that it should, but it's hard to wish that on her, mainly because of how it would impact DH, FIL, and BIL
  • I think the other thing that bothers me is that several members of the family don't seem to see shoplifting or what she did with the bankruptcies as hurting anyone so somehow it is not all that bad. I vehemently disagree with this, but obviously voicing my opinions about this will just make things worse.... Okay, going to grocery shop so I can feed my kid.
  • Honestly, given her history, it sounds like getting some serious consequence is what would be best for her. Why should stealing not have an impact on her life?
    I agree that it should, but it's hard to wish that on her, mainly because of how it would impact DH, FIL, and BIL
    Besides being embarrassed, how would it really affect them? 

    Because of what MIL does for a living she will very likely be fired from her job and would not be able to work in the same industry. She doesn't have education past high school and has health problems that would make finding a job difficult. FIL is retired and might also have to return to work but also has some barriers to employment. BIL still lives at home. This would probably force him to grow up some which would be a good thing, but even still. I totally understand and agree with what y'all are saying about consequences but if it were your family member, would you WANT them to be convicted, especially if it meant they would lose their job and have a really hard time finding another?
  • edited September 2013
    Sure it might be hard to watch, but everyone has a sob story. Everyone also makes choices, and those choices have consequences.

    Yeah, I know what you are saying... ETA: to clarify, I definitely understand your viewpoint but I can't say that I hope she is convicted. I just can't wish that on her/ the family. I definitely understand the viewpoint that it might be the best thing, but I honestly don't think a few days in jail is going to change much. She might stop shoplifting, but hopefully that will happen regardless, but I don't think being convicted is going to change the underlying issues.
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    edited September 2013

    I don't know.  If she is so brazen to shop lift, it might manifest into stealing from her job and then the consequences will be even worse.  I would rather she lose her job instead of losing her job, paying restitution and jail. 

    I don't know.  I don't see a happy ending here.  This compulsion she has will progress and yes she will eventually have to suffer the consequences. 

  • aggiecyd said:
    I wouldn't want DD around that kind of environment since it sounds like she's been a liar/manipulator her whole life.

    Fortunately, they live 12 hours away so the amount of time they spend with DD is very limited and to date has been supervised. I am sure that later in life there will be some talks about how we love grandma and grandpa but don't agree with everything they say and do. They really do want the best for DD though and it's certainly not like they have absolutely no moral compass so I know they will make an effort to have a good influence on her.
  • Sure it might be hard to watch, but everyone has a sob story. Everyone also makes choices, and those choices have consequences.

    Yeah, I know what you are saying...
    If this was a one time incidence, I might be inclined to agree with with you. But it really seems that a slap on the wrist won't do anything to solve the issue. Unfortunately, some people have to fall hard in order to get back to normal. I know it's hard to watch. Your fil and bil live with her and have known this was an ongoing issue. This shouldn't be surprising to anyone, sadly.

    I know this doesn't change anything, but BIL didn't actually know. He was really surprised and hurt that no one had let him know what was going on.
  • Sure it might be hard to watch, but everyone has a sob story. Everyone also makes choices, and those choices have consequences.

    Yeah, I know what you are saying...
    If this was a one time incidence, I might be inclined to agree with with you. But it really seems that a slap on the wrist won't do anything to solve the issue. Unfortunately, some people have to fall hard in order to get back to normal. I know it's hard to watch. Your fil and bil live with her and have known this was an ongoing issue. This shouldn't be surprising to anyone, sadly.

    I know this doesn't change anything, but BIL didn't actually know. He was really surprised and hurt that no one had let him know what was going on.
    I probably would be, too, if I were him and living there if your DH and FIL knew. 

    Regardless, the whole thing sucks, I know. I'm sorry. 

    DH didn't know that it was currently happening. He knew it happened some when he was a kid, but had no idea that it was currently happening, especially not to the degree it was happening.
  • Well, fortunately you don't have to decide anything about the lawsuit. If it doesn't go through, though, you and YH, BIL, and FIL (and any other family) should sit down with her and try to convince her to talk to someone. It's not fair of her to make decisions that affect the entire family. I would try to get her to agree to counseling.
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