You are nothing the kids

es6

How do you get over when BM feels that SM is nothing to the SK's.  BM is constantly(over the phone as she has not physical custody of them) telling the girls (5 and 4) that my family and I are not related to them.  My DH is awesome and stops the conversation when she starts to say things like that but she is constantly doing it.  I understand, as do they, that I did not give birth to them.  That they have one "mommy." But I am very much a part of their lives.  DH works nights, so I am the one that tucks them into bed, I am the one to get them up in the morning.  Giving them baths, holding them when they are sick.  It is not my fault that she picked drugs over her daughters.  And I am in no way just their babysitter.  I am their stepmother and my parents, siblings and other family members are their family too.  I try to not take it personally but it hurts everytime.  I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it does.  Has anyone else dealt with this?  How did you cope?

Hopeforthebest

It sounds as if your DH is handling the BM part by stopping the conversation when she goes there.

All you can do is continue to do what you are doing. The kids are smart. They know who loves them and who cares for them.

 You will never figure out crazy, so don't even try. Cope by hugging them extra much and enjoying your time.

Lavender P

I think you and DH are doing the right thing. However, when BM is saying things like that, it is a good opportunity for you to have discussions about how families come in all different forms and that those little girls are lucky to have so many different people love them. We never directly say that BM is wrong, but we will show SS that there are different ways to think of things. I am not his mom, but I'm his stepmom and that is a special role for me beause no one else in the world gets to call me their stepmom. My SS tells people he is part Asian (he's not at all) simply because my family is. Eventually they start to understand that family is more then just blood.

twister22

Lavender P said:

I think you and DH are doing the right thing. However, when BM is saying things like that, it is a good opportunity for you to have discussions about how families come in all different forms and that those little girls are lucky to have so many different people love them. We never directly say that BM is wrong, but we will show SS that there are different ways to think of things. I am not his mom, but I'm his stepmom and that is a special role for me beause no one else in the world gets to call me their stepmom. My SS tells people he is part Asian (he's not at all) simply because my family is. Eventually they start to understand that family is more then just blood.

That is absolutely adorable!

twister22

Don't let the crazy bitch that BM is get to you. I'm willing to bed she does it because she knows it hurts you, and she knows it hurts the girls.

The girls are witness to the fact that you are there for them, and BM is not. PPs have good points about telling the girls that families come in all shapes and sizes.

How often does BM call and do this?

+just+j+

You cope by realizing that she is insecure. Just because she says it, does not make it so. Continue to be a good parent. Continue to let your DH handle it. Focus on the kids and just let her talk her talk. It means nothing if you are genuinely putting forth ypur best efforts to be a good parent to these kids.

es6

BM calls every Tuesday and Thursday.  She asks the girls how their days were and what they did.  If they mention me or someone in my family, BM stops them to say they are not your family.  We have never taken away that she is mom and her family are the girls family.  I do explain to them that I am special, a bonus (step)mom when my older stepdaughter asks. My younger SD doesn't seem to know the difference yet and hasn't asked questions, she goes with the flow.  She has never seen her mom and dad together.  It is truly a sad story.  BM was pregnant and about to get married to DH the next day when BM's sister tells DH to go home from work.  There was BM with a drug dealer going into their home.  I can't imagine what my DH has been through.   Now I am rambling.  Sorry.

Thank you everyone for your words.  I really try to not think too much about it but somedays it really gets to me. 

 

twister22

Is it CO'd that BM can talk to the girls every Tuesday and Thursday? If not, I wouldn't continue to put SD's through that until BM can behave appropriately.

es6

It is not CO.  The temporary CO states that everything is up to DH.  He does threaten to stop the calls if she continues.  She behaves for a little bit and then its starts again, he threatens and she behaves. She is like a child IMHO.

CFjo2010

BM in my situation does this as well.  She deliberately refers to my parents when talking to K as "Jo's parents" or "DS and DD's grandparents", refusing to include K in the relation.  Same thing with my sisters and niece and nephew.  Hell, she tells K she's not allowed to call me DS and DD her brother and sister.  K calls my parents, "Gma S" and "Grumpa" and K has said that BM told her she's not allowed to call them that.  DH and I sat down with K and had her make a list of qualities that moms, dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles have and how they treat family members.  Then we asked her point by point who has the qualities she listed and who treats her the way she listed (she listed every stinking family member on DH's side, BM's side and my side).  After she was done we talked about how sometimes you are born into a family and other times you marry into a family (inlaws).  She grasped it pretty early on and now when BM tells her that my family isn't really her family, K quickly lists the reasons why they are in fact her family.

+just+j+

es6 said:

BM calls every Tuesday and Thursday.  She asks the girls how their days were and what they did.  If they mention me or someone in my family, BM stops them to say they are not your family.  We have never taken away that she is mom and her family are the girls family.  I do explain to them that I am special, a bonus (step)mom when my older stepdaughter asks. My younger SD doesn't seem to know the difference yet and hasn't asked questions, she goes with the flow.  She has never seen her mom and dad together.  It is truly a sad story.  BM was pregnant and about to get married to DH the next day when BM's sister tells DH to go home from work.  There was BM with a drug dealer going into their home.  I can't imagine what my DH has been through.   Now I am rambling.  Sorry.

Thank you everyone for your words.  I really try to not think too much about it but somedays it really gets to me. 

 

In regards to letting it get to you:  I'm going thru this right now. I'm learning how to NOT let it get to me. If I worry about every damn thing XH accuses me of or says about me...I may as well have stayed married to him.  If you let a woman who associates with a drug dealer, and who may even do drugs herself get to you...she wins.  Don't let her win by acknowledging these statements in any way shape or form. You know differently, and that's all that matters.

es6

Thank you!

es6

DH says that with the kind of drugs she was using, her brain is rewired and she is just plain dumb now and will forget things like that.  She took DH to court in either June or July, I don't remember to try to get custody back, she came with no evidence proving she was sober, she thought because she waited over 6 months that she could just get the kids back. 

Littlejen22

Ditto above. And I recommend the picture book by Todd Parr called The Family book. It explains there is no one family. I would just keep telling them that you love them (assuming you really do) and that your family loves them too and leave it like that.

SimpleJane

Kids are not stupid. If you are the one doing the parenting and all of the caring for then it is you who they will be closest to. It doesn't go unnoticed even if you think it does. She's just trying to hurt you, and considering you an YH have physical custody your bond and constant presence will defeat the ideas BM is trying to plant in their heads pretty easily.

agibby

jobalchak said:

BM in my situation does this as well.  She deliberately refers to my parents when talking to K as "Jo's parents" or "DS and DD's grandparents", refusing to include K in the relation.  Same thing with my sisters and niece and nephew.  Hell, she tells K she's not allowed to call me DS and DD her brother and sister.  K calls my parents, "Gma S" and "Grumpa" and K has said that BM told her she's not allowed to call them that.  DH and I sat down with K and had her make a list of qualities that moms, dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles have and how they treat family members.  Then we asked her point by point who has the qualities she listed and who treats her the way she listed (she listed every stinking family member on DH's side, BM's side and my side).  After she was done we talked about how sometimes you are born into a family and other times you marry into a family (inlaws).  She grasped it pretty early on and now when BM tells her that my family isn't really her family, K quickly lists the reasons why they are in fact her family.

Great ideas! We go thru this with BM and SS too. She tells him how his siblings aren't really his becuase they aren't related by blood. My DH adopted my children after we wre married because my frst husband passed away, and SS was at the adoption. She has told him that my family is not really his family not his grandparents, cousins or aunts and uncles. WE explain that my being married to his dad does make my family his family. This all above gives me some really good ideas, thank you

queenteresa30

I have the same issue with my x. He tells the kids over and over that my new Hubby is in no way shape or form a step father and that his daughter is in no way a sister. He threw a fit when we went to Canada to visit my husbands fam cause their not related. We had to get a judge to order him to sign for passports. He doesn't realize he is just alienating his children more and more.